Lindsay Lohan Freezes (VIDEO)

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 11:46 AM

Lindsay Lohan took time from her lazy sprint to complete her community service hours to hit the cryogenic tanks in New York. Cryogenic therapy involves shoving rich white people into a -180 degree tube until their bodies start releasing endorphins in an attempt to finally feel happy before death. It’s unclear what Lindsay thought happens in these liquid nitrogen chilled chambers, but she came out three minutes later asking if humans were living on the moon yet and if they were, did they also have Adderall. Lindsay prepped for her therapy by submersing herself in an ice bath to get a feel of the sensation. She discovered cold. Also she suddenly remembered where she left the car she rolled in 2005 and the name of the guy still trapped inside. The therapy doesn’t hold long and within an hour she was eating a french dip and setting up orange traffic cones randomly in the street ordering her assistant to run a timer on her and report the hours.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Doing the Impossible

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 9:14 AM

Lindsay Lohan Web Of Lies
Lindsay Lohan has ten days left to perform 140 hours of community service as prescribed by the court to pretend they’re punishing her from one of he last four legal offenses. Lindsay’s trying to max out at a childcare center in Brooklyn but the place isn’t even open that many hours a day for Lindsay to clock in and out. Also, some people are beginning to question the wisdom of letting convicts do their service time at childcare centers. Sometimes that click takes a while. Lohan will have to be run through a formal background check wherein they will discover that she’s no more dangerous than her own mother in terms of being around children. So the kids have a slightly better than not chance of living though eating disorders and self-medication with Craigslist grade prescription drugs seems a given. Parents at the center didn’t seem to have much problem with Lindsay Lohan being around their kids which just goes to show how desperate moms are for childcare. It’s just booze and cocaine and some bad decisions. They’ll be fine.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Scrambling

By Matt May 11, 2015 @ 8:07 AM

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After lying and fudging her community service hours multiple times while wearing a butt plug a judge has ordered Lindsey Lohan to complete her 125 hours before May 28th. That’s seven hours a day, seven days a week. We’re talking a lot of birdwatching. Lohan is apparently having trouble finding places to complete the hours but I heard the peep show in the meatpacking district needs a mop guy. Knock twice and welcome back.

If Lohan doesn’t finally fulfill her obligation there’s a good chance she’ll be heading back to jail with an itchy fire crotch and generic Valtrex. Lohan was previously claiming that performing in her London play counted as community service but a judge ruled that’s only for the spectators. Something tells me she’s not going to make it and still be let off the hook. Minor celebrities get all the special treatment, plus The AIDS ward is backed up. You can’t really get pregnant from anal right?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Lindsay Lohan An Ass

By Matt April 22, 2015 @ 8:41 AM

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Lindsay Lohan posted one of those inspirational photos of words for all the deep thinkers whose last five books have been Instagram posts. There’s some Arabic writing, and underneath it says “You’re beautiful” which is the perfect bit of Pablum that carries social media denizen forward for one more day. Throw in some Arabic and you’re not just a cocaine addled former child star, you’re up for a celebrity appointed United Nations Ambassadorship. Unfortunately the English translation of the Arabic phrase is “You’re a donkey.” Get a handle on your first language, then branch out to others. I never understood how getting the words Spit First tattooed on your ass in sanskrit made the message any more powerful. Lohan is a buffoon. At least you can delete photos from you Instagram. Adam Levine’s been notarized.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Dina Lohan Hawking Lindsay’s Shit

By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

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Lindsay Lohan’s white trash mother Dina is selling a bunch of her daughter’s possessions online. The stuff, including furniture, clothing, and zero books, was moved into Dinah’s house for the filming of some Oprah segments which were so authentic they circled back into being fake. Dina reportedly thinks anything left at her house is legally hers, including people’s cars when they park them in the driveway during social visits. Lindsay is trying to get her fake friends to go to the house and pick up the stuff but they’re busy getting anal bleachings and laying on couches wondering why their buttholes sting. Lindsay says if this doesn’t stop she’ll have to call the police who will find baggies of crack in her childhood chest of drawers and issue a warrant. Personally, I could use a a new nightstand. If Valtrex is good past the expiration date, throw in thirty. I dated an exotic girl in college. I’m short on cash but how about I bring you a bottle of banana rum and coupon for a guy who does clit piercings. Let’s dance, devil.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Seems Refreshed

By Lex April 07, 2015 @ 1:34 PM

Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Show For Homme Style
Lindsay Lohan has declared herself ready to conquer the world once more. Typically this means she’s found some ingenious travel case hiding places for her unscripted meds. Or, there are fabulous new photos of her with the track marks connecting her freckles shopped out. Lindsay’s decided to take this time in her life to focus on herself, as opposed to the party orphans she used to protect by ridding the world of its cocaine supply. It’s easy to get lost in the addiction of helping others. Especially so when you’re super wasted.

Photo Credit: Homme Style