By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 7:34 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s white trash mother Dina is selling a bunch of her daughter’s possessions online. The stuff, including furniture, clothing, and zero books, was moved into Dinah’s house for the filming of some Oprah segments which were so authentic they circled back into being fake. Dina reportedly thinks anything left at her house is legally hers, including people’s cars when they park them in the driveway during social visits. Lindsay is trying to get her fake friends to go to the house and pick up the stuff but they’re busy getting anal bleachings and laying on couches wondering why their buttholes sting. Lindsay says if this doesn’t stop she’ll have to call the police who will find baggies of crack in her childhood chest of drawers and issue a warrant. Personally, I could use a a new nightstand. If Valtrex is good past the expiration date, throw in thirty. I dated an exotic girl in college. I’m short on cash but how about I bring you a bottle of banana rum and coupon for a guy who does clit piercings. Let’s dance, devil.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex April 07, 2015 @ 1:34 PM
Lindsay Lohan has declared herself ready to conquer the world once more. Typically this means she’s found some ingenious travel case hiding places for her unscripted meds. Or, there are fabulous new photos of her with the track marks connecting her freckles shopped out. Lindsay’s decided to take this time in her life to focus on herself, as opposed to the party orphans she used to protect by ridding the world of its cocaine supply. It’s easy to get lost in the addiction of helping others. Especially so when you’re super wasted.
Photo Credit: Homme Style
By Lex April 06, 2015 @ 9:27 AM
Lindsay Lohan is a victim of free labor. Too many people around her for too many years offering free shit and services that have left her vulnerable to the harsh mechanics of the real world. For instance, a skilled Photoshop re-toucher is going to cost you a couple hundred bucks. You keep thinking entourage Chad who scores addies off Craigslist in any city can proficiently clone out inches on your waist, you’re going to end up with a Twitter photo fail. Lohan pulled this one shortly after even the legally blind noticed the staircase behind her cinched waist was slightly askance. The photo was a paid shill for whoever makes that corset that keeps the fuller figured ladies in Hollywood looking linear:
“Just received my waist trainer from @nowaistclique!! #LovingIt http://nowaistclique.com #majorsituation
Medical experts point out that these types of restrictive garments cut off oxygen flow to the heart and brain and can even lead to organ failure. Darwinians merely applauded.
Photo credit: Twitter/Lindsay Lohan
By Matt March 13, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Linsday Lohan poorly Photoshopped her ass and posted it to Instagram without peer sponsored review. The obvious bending and time of space seems like something a sober person would promptly flag. Then again not being able to do things properly is half the point of getting fucked up. In fact that’s what it’s called. It’s fine if your ass resembles a pair of bananas. You’re still young in years no matter the story your DNA tells. Put down the bottle, get out there and do some lunges. You’l be ship shape by Flag Day. Or sit on your ass popping pills and downloading better Photoshop apps. Whatever works. Clearly not this.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 6:07 AM
Lindsay Lohan had more than half of her already bogus community service hours stemming from a reckless driving incident thrown out. Lohan was having her hours managed and verified by a charity called Community Service Volunteers. Once it was discovered they were happily cheating on her behalf because she blew the guy who signs the papers Lohan somehow arranged for her insurance company to donate $10,000 to them. This Saran Wrap ploy pissed off anyone still paying attention, limited to TMZ trolls and the judge in the case. Lohan will now have to repeat half the hours where she will inevitably show up drunk and be sent to the pokey only to be released on a medical waiver because they only carry synthetic Valtrex. This cycle will continue until she perishes in the frozen wild with a complacent grin on her face. Maybe it’s just the Botox.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex February 20, 2015 @ 11:48 AM
I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to sit like that when you’re actively carrying Chikungunya. That slick disease Lindsay contracted from snorting crushed up mosquitos while doing her jet ski community service work in French Polynesia over the New Year’s holiday. Lohan’s lawyers will be in an L.A. courtroom next week arguing that their client really did work hard at her 30 days of ordered community service, even though there’s no specific or even non-specific proof. If the judge feels Lohan skipped out, he could choose to order her to appear in court and be scolded several more times and told how real punishment is coming if she doesn’t take this fake punishment more seriously. You don’t want the scolding. It makes the Chikunyunga nervous.
Photo Credit: Hunger Magazine/L’Officiel Hommes