By Matt March 13, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Linsday Lohan poorly Photoshopped her ass and posted it to Instagram without peer sponsored review. The obvious bending and time of space seems like something a sober person would promptly flag. Then again not being able to do things properly is half the point of getting fucked up. In fact that’s what it’s called. It’s fine if your ass resembles a pair of bananas. You’re still young in years no matter the story your DNA tells. Put down the bottle, get out there and do some lunges. You’l be ship shape by Flag Day. Or sit on your ass popping pills and downloading better Photoshop apps. Whatever works. Clearly not this.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 6:07 AM
Lindsay Lohan had more than half of her already bogus community service hours stemming from a reckless driving incident thrown out. Lohan was having her hours managed and verified by a charity called Community Service Volunteers. Once it was discovered they were happily cheating on her behalf because she blew the guy who signs the papers Lohan somehow arranged for her insurance company to donate $10,000 to them. This Saran Wrap ploy pissed off anyone still paying attention, limited to TMZ trolls and the judge in the case. Lohan will now have to repeat half the hours where she will inevitably show up drunk and be sent to the pokey only to be released on a medical waiver because they only carry synthetic Valtrex. This cycle will continue until she perishes in the frozen wild with a complacent grin on her face. Maybe it’s just the Botox.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex February 20, 2015 @ 11:48 AM
I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to sit like that when you’re actively carrying Chikungunya. That slick disease Lindsay contracted from snorting crushed up mosquitos while doing her jet ski community service work in French Polynesia over the New Year’s holiday. Lohan’s lawyers will be in an L.A. courtroom next week arguing that their client really did work hard at her 30 days of ordered community service, even though there’s no specific or even non-specific proof. If the judge feels Lohan skipped out, he could choose to order her to appear in court and be scolded several more times and told how real punishment is coming if she doesn’t take this fake punishment more seriously. You don’t want the scolding. It makes the Chikunyunga nervous.
Photo Credit: Hunger Magazine/L’Officiel Hommes
By Matt January 30, 2015 @ 8:13 AM
Lindsay Lohan worked off her court ordered community service for super shitty unlicensed driving by allowing young people to follow her around as part of a Work Shadow program. Though she had no job at the time. So she took them to a meet and greet with her fans. Fans is a subjective term. More just people who recognize that thing from the news. Hanging out with Lindsay Lohan is obviously not an educational experience and most likely represents a threat to the integrity of the neighborhood. Why is your daughter gargling salt water every morning? The prosecutor in the case is now recommending jail time for Lohan since she went janky on her community service. We all know giving celebrities community service is some kind of justice joke, but we do expect them to at least make up something half-decent. Like when your high school kid comes home at 3am stinking of booze. He’s supposed to say he was studying at Mike’s and lost track of time. People can live with lies. It’s the shameful truth that eats away at you.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 8:28 AM
Lindsay Lohan posted a photo of herself shopped to look like a Barbie Doll and pretended nothing was up. She got herself down to her natural waist size, when she was eight and couldn’t eat because dad was beating mom so severely she wanted to save her food money for future booze. She claimed she was posting the photo to show she’s living fine with her new tropical virus. Or that’s what the virus wants the world to believe. You can Photoshop things on your phone now. Just not convincingly. Whatever people claim, McDonalds isn’t that terrible. However a medium Dr. Pepper is plenty. Don’t get plastered and go there overly confident. This is what happens. I definitely still would.
Photo credit: Instragram
By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 1:27 PM
The first thing an ER nurse will do is try to establish a baseline against which to measure your current condition. With Lindsay Lohan, the triage questions run the lines of, is your vision more blurry than normal? Are your joint pains more severe than as a typical Sunday morning? Is that gentleman’s cum in your ear canal?
Lindsay Lohan was admitted to a London hospital related to that mosquito borne virus she picked up while scratching her anus along lava rocks in Bora Bora. Lindsay played through the symptoms while on vacation with the strict regimen of vodka and cocaine, but thanks to British customs, she fell into rather steep decline upon return to her new adopted homeland. The prognosis is solid for Lindsay to make a full recovery. Unfortunately that will be recovery to 2015 Lindsay Lohan, not 2004 Lindsay Lohan as she had asked the doctors if it was possible. C’mon, science, pick up the pace.