Lindsay Lohan Hospitalized in Lindsay Lohan Condition

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 1:27 PM


The first thing an ER nurse will do is try to establish a baseline against which to measure your current condition. With Lindsay Lohan, the triage questions run the lines of, is your vision more blurry than normal? Are your joint pains more severe than as a typical Sunday morning? Is that gentleman’s cum in your ear canal?

Lindsay Lohan was admitted to a London hospital related to that mosquito borne virus she picked up while scratching her anus along lava rocks in Bora Bora. Lindsay played through the symptoms while on vacation with the strict regimen of vodka and cocaine, but thanks to British customs, she fell into rather steep decline upon return to her new adopted homeland.  The prognosis is solid for Lindsay to make a full recovery. Unfortunately that will be recovery to 2015 Lindsay Lohan, not 2004 Lindsay Lohan as she had asked the doctors if it was possible. C’mon, science, pick up the pace.

Lindsay Lohan Touts Her Infection

By Lex January 06, 2015 @ 9:15 AM

Lindsay Lohan Plays Naughty On Twitter
Lindsay Lohan posted a picture of herself wasted on tropical disease to remind everybody that she just brought a infectious bug with her back to America, as is the current vogue. Nobody seems to care that Lindsay’s kuru contracted from eating back cock in French Polynesia will now spread through Soho faster than horrible singer-songwriter fare. I’m sure the CDC will get to investigating once it’s too late for the entire milieu of Adderall abusing Soul Cyclers. This could be one of those military experiments where they let the virus run its course to measure its effectiveness in battling enemies overseas. In which case Lindsay will be medaled posthumously and buried in the relatively obscure drunken skank section at Arlington. Not so far from where Kennedy is buried. He would have wanted it that way.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Lindsay Lohan Mosquito Threatens Polynesia

By Lex December 30, 2014 @ 12:11 PM

Lindsay Lohan notified the world she’s playing through the chikungunya virus she contracted on her current vacation to French Polynesia. Chikungunya is a poor man’s malaria, or a really lucky man’s Ebola, contracted through tropical mosquito bites. Lindsay’s going to be recovered in a week. But who shall care for the lowly mosquito who unwittingly just had himself a very bad day? That’s Lindsay Lohan blood on your proboscis, buddy. You have no idea how much shit you just sucked into.

This isn’t the kind of mosquito we can wait to plunge into amber and then unearth one thousand years from now when cures for even the most savage viruses are sold for a buck at the corner bodega. This insect needs to be captured, quarantined, and studied by scientists who won’t be tempted to sell the deadly cocktail they uncover to ISIS for a few million. I’d put a bounty up now. By the time you hear the high pitched buzzing, your genitals are already filling with puss.

Photo credit: Lindsay Lohan Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Is Christmas (VIDEO)

By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 10:11 AM

Lindsay Lohan got the latest nod to dance creepily for Love Magazine’s ode to Quaalude Christmas. Video producers had the foresight to put Lindsay in an oversized sweater so viewers can pretend drinking since puberty hasn’t left her looking like an aging madam in an Old West saloon. I couldn’t think of anything more Christmas than watching Lindsay Lohan trying to be coquettish. Perhaps the reindeer pulling a train on Mrs. Clause while Kris films with a GoPro mounted to his hat. Or the birth of Jesus.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine

Lindsay Lohan Launches Her Men’s Clothing Line

By Lex December 05, 2014 @ 1:33 PM

Lindsay Lohan Spreads Her Legs For Civil Clothing
Lindsay Lohan just launched her line of skater wear for young men at Pac Sun. I know teens are impressionable fucks, but I’m wondering which part of the myth of Lindsay Lohan might attract even the most moronic freshman mall rat. The line is called My Addiction, lending the street cred of Lindsay’s losing battle with drugs and alcohol to the purchase inducement of her spread eagle in advertisements. Now I’m wondering which kid doesn’t buy this merch. If you’re going to get your ass kicked by seniors in the bathroom, why not doing it dressed in Lindsay Lohan’s clothes. That’s the stuff of high school legends.

Photo Credit: Civil Clothing

Lindsay Lohan Got A New Mommy

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 9:33 AM

Lindsay Lohan Has A New Mommy
Michael Lohan decided not to tell his kids that he was making an honest woman out of Kate Major the second she got out of jail gestating his second bastard child. It’s kind of romantic in an abandoned building shooting gallery love affair kind of way. Having his celebrity kids attend the wedding would’ve turned the entire event into a media circus rather than the quiet Satanic letting of the blood in the name of the Dark Master Michael and Kate were hoping for. After a quick service, the couple fed each other pieces of cake Michael had laced with human growth hormones and Rohypnol as he turned on a taped message for their toddler son to put a pillow over mommy’s face as she slept because it’s so funny.

Photo Credit: Twitter