Lindsay Lohan Is a Wreck And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 03, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

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Lindsay Lohan showed up to the GQ Man Of The Year Awards in a skimpy dress that showed off her pasty white emaciated legs. She looked, in a word, busted. To think that there was a time when every man with a pulse wanted to fuck her. How the mighty have fallen.

See the horror that she’s become. (Dlisted)

Nina Agdal in lingerie, however, makes my wiener happy. (Popoholic)

Allison Williams as Peter Pan looks weird. (Huffington Post)

January Jones wants Jews to drink her booty sweat. (The Superficial)

Master thespian The Rock will play Black Adam in the new Shazam movie. (COED)

Jessica Lowndes in a bikini on an inflatable swan is sexier than it sounds. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jesse J wears barely a dress and it is wonderful. (Hollywood Tuna)

(Photo Via GQ)

Lindsay Lohan Pays Truck Driver She Smashed Into

By colin September 02, 2014 @ 12:05 PM

Lindsay-Lohan-Totaled-Porsche
Remember when Lindsay Lohan used to be drunk and high and drive her car into other people? Those were good times. A couple years ago she totaled her Porsche into the side of a truck she thought was just a figment of her imagination. At the time, Lindsay convinced her assistant to tell the cops she was the one behind the wheel because Lindsay wasn’t sure her Chuck E. Cheese License to Drive badge was still valid. Addicts only have about three moves. This is one of the classics. The truck driver sued for mental and physical suffering related to Lindsay somehow having auto insurance from a company that wasn’t super diligent about Googling ‘Lindsay Lohan arrests DUI’. The truck driver settled for a cash payout and Lindsay admitting in haiku that she was both the driver and the one at fault. She also agreed that totaling your Porsche on Adderall and booze means people can call you a total dipshit for forever and you’re not allowed to say anything back.

Photo credit: Splash News

Lindsay Lohan In A Bikini

By Lex August 08, 2014 @ 9:28 AM

Lindsay Lohan In A White Bikini At The Beach In Mykonos
Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety buddies are worried that Lindsay has fallen off the wagon and is now hiding out in Europe to avoid confrontation. Worrying seems a bit pointless as it’s almost certain to be true. RadarOnline has paid an anonymous single source who once saw Lindsay across the street at an AA meeting to confirm everybody’s worst fears:

Lindsay has abandoned her friends and her sober community. She has stopped responding to our texts and calls and is basically ignoring everyone now. She’s getting the texts because they show up as read; she’s just not answering.

Sobriety friends are just like bad clingy girlfriends. They know you’ve read their texts which only infuriates them even more. Here’s a thought, if you’re really Lindsay’s friend then you’ll understand how important booze and drugs are to her happiness. Instead of sending her pleading bitchy texts she’s probably giggling while reading with whoever she’s drunk fucking in Greece now, how about you send her a bottle of the good American whiskey which is impossible to find in Europe. Love your friends for who they are or you’re not a real friend at all. You’re just Oprah.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lindsay Lohan in A Bikini Writing Her Memoirs

By Lex August 05, 2014 @ 9:04 AM

Lindsay Lohan Goes Jet Skiing In A Black Bikini In Mykonos
According to an inside source almost certainly Lindsay Lohan’s publicist, the red-headed eternally drunk Freshman girl is going to write a tell-all book that is going to blow the roof off of something. According to the unnamed, anonymous, and likely paid source, the trifecta of solid journalistic sourcing, Lindsay has been hitting up London publishers with sample tales of her celebrity life that have made their ‘jaws drop’. Given that Lindsay’s already had her drug and drinking life well documented, had her private life exposed in five thousand TMZ stories sold by her parents, and even wrote down a list of all the celebrities she’s slept with in Hollywood on the back of a tampon wrapper she left behind at a Denny’s, it’s hard to imagine there’s more. But Lindsay falls into that category of extreme offender where I’m certain there is.

It may seem unlikely, but she thinks she’s in with a shot of getting (Fifty Shades of Grey) E.L. James to work on it — they met recently at the Chiltern Firehouse and got on well. Another pie in the sky idea was that she might persuade J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter) to work with her.

Both of these seem like completely plausible ideas. I’m sure every vaunted British author will be clamoring to pen partially recollected memories of Lindsay being rabbit fucked in her ear by a tweaking Bob Saget. I bet there will be some shit in that book. But who’s going to pay $25 for a copy versus waiting for the four reasonably interesting bullet points to be posted online? I hope she’s not counting on this tome for her back rent. At least she found a better bikini top for her tits. Baby steps.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lindsay Lohan Bikini Misdirection

By Matt August 04, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

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Lindsay Lohan posted a bikini pic to Instagram where she looks like a legit nine, minus a point for the scabies bites. The heavy shadows help to obscure a plethora of bruises, gashes, knife wounds, shrapnel scars, skin grafts and botched cocaine pinky fingernail amputations. Lindsay’s like that yard weed you just can’t eradicate. No matter how much planet-destroying poison you drop or rip it to shreds with your primal hands, it comes back looking relatively healthy like a fucking middle finger to your claim to the  top of the food chain.

Lohan is the most confusing of all the women you’ve ever had the pleasure of mentally banging. Like one of those forced perspective Vermeer paintings, she looks amazing from far away but when you approach its just a jumbled mess of sloppy cracked paint hastily thrown together by a guy on the juice. It’s jarring when you warm up jerking off to this photo on her Instagram and click the one to the right of it, revealing you’ve been pleasuring yourself to the equivalent of your mother’s sympathy bingo partner. It’s the social media Crying Game.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Lindsay Lohan Seems Down

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 8:39 AM

Lindsay Lohan Goes Jet Skiing In A Swimsuit In Ibiza
Lindsay Lohan’s plan to escape the tabloid press by moving to Europe seems to be going well. I’ve only seen her seventeen times in the past three days, documenting her every step and bowel movement. All the news outlets mocking Lindsay’s sagging titties today are missing out on the larger point, look at that monster gunt. And the even larger point, why must we immediately criticize women for their looks? That seems sexist and shallow. If Lindsay were sober enough to speak, I’m sure she’d ask just to be judged on her work. And when you asked her what that was, she’d pretend not to hear you as she raced toward the water with her right tit bouncing up and down atop her rib cage like a tethered paddle ball.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News