By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 9:33 AM
Michael Lohan decided not to tell his kids that he was making an honest woman out of Kate Major the second she got out of jail gestating his second bastard child. It’s kind of romantic in an abandoned building shooting gallery love affair kind of way. Having his celebrity kids attend the wedding would’ve turned the entire event into a media circus rather than the quiet Satanic letting of the blood in the name of the Dark Master Michael and Kate were hoping for. After a quick service, the couple fed each other pieces of cake Michael had laced with human growth hormones and Rohypnol as he turned on a taped message for their toddler son to put a pillow over mommy’s face as she slept because it’s so funny.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex October 28, 2014 @ 10:53 AM
When nobody wants to see your tits anymore, you’ve got two choices. Breastfeeding selfies or commissioning a street artist to paint you as a naked Marilyn Monroe. Lindsay Lohan’s probation terms don’t allow her to handle infants, so she paid a dude in London to paint her tits. The great families of Europe have been sitting for portraits for generations. The less great families have been paying street artists and latex sex toy manufacturers to model their genitals for a while now too.
I love Lindsay, she is beautiful. She has had such hard times, but comes back even more beautiful. I loved painting her. — Pegasus, street artist commissioned by Lindsay.
Looks like some street artist just got a fat check. Lindsay fancies herself as Marilyn as both women famously abused alcohol and prescription drugs and slept with more people than they could possibly remember. Next stop, Elton John’s house to down pay on a Candle in the Wind requiem. You can’t take the chance the Pinball Wizard might forget you when you’re gone.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Splash
By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 9:21 AM
Photo Credit: Instagram/FameFlynet
By Lex September 29, 2014 @ 8:51 AM
It’d be a real knee slapper to go through all the crappy reviews of Lindsay Lohan in her British stage debut. All the tweets and rants and pans about how she forgot her lines, clearly wasn’t well-rehearsed and had to have the nervous bald dude who lives in every theater feeding her lines from the trapdoors. But, fuck you, people who get involved in obviously horrible shit just to complain about it. You don’t cast Lindsay Lohan in your fancy West End play because you want a dramatic performance for the ages. You don’t pay some bit of quid to go see Lindsay Lohan on stage so you can Facebook your Cambridge college gal pals and gush about the most wonderful performance. You pay to see a train wreck. Why not go to a Harlem Globetrotters game and bitch about the Washington Generals phoning it in. Or yell at the rodeo clown to stop being such a dufus. You’re there to see that sad, overly made-up buffoon take a painful horn to the ass. I’m talking about Lindsay now.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Jack September 03, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
Lindsay Lohan showed up to the GQ Man Of The Year Awards in a skimpy dress that showed off her pasty white emaciated legs. She looked, in a word, busted. To think that there was a time when every man with a pulse wanted to fuck her. How the mighty have fallen.
See the horror that she’s become. (Dlisted)
Nina Agdal in lingerie, however, makes my wiener happy. (Popoholic)
Allison Williams as Peter Pan looks weird. (Huffington Post)
January Jones wants Jews to drink her booty sweat. (The Superficial)
Master thespian The Rock will play Black Adam in the new Shazam movie. (COED)
Jessica Lowndes in a bikini on an inflatable swan is sexier than it sounds. (Drunken Stepfather)
Jesse J wears barely a dress and it is wonderful. (Hollywood Tuna)
(Photo Via GQ)
By colin September 02, 2014 @ 12:05 PM
Remember when Lindsay Lohan used to be drunk and high and drive her car into other people? Those were good times. A couple years ago she totaled her Porsche into the side of a truck she thought was just a figment of her imagination. At the time, Lindsay convinced her assistant to tell the cops she was the one behind the wheel because Lindsay wasn’t sure her Chuck E. Cheese License to Drive badge was still valid. Addicts only have about three moves. This is one of the classics. The truck driver sued for mental and physical suffering related to Lindsay somehow having auto insurance from a company that wasn’t super diligent about Googling ‘Lindsay Lohan arrests DUI’. The truck driver settled for a cash payout and Lindsay admitting in haiku that she was both the driver and the one at fault. She also agreed that totaling your Porsche on Adderall and booze means people can call you a total dipshit for forever and you’re not allowed to say anything back.
Photo credit: Splash News