Lindsay Lohan in A Bikini

By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 10:59 AM

Lindsay Lohan Parties In A Bikini In Greece
Lindsay Lohan was sent to Greece to remind those debt skating motherfuckers what happens when you turn your back on an obligation to the EU. Everybody retiring on government pension at forty-five doesn’t sound so idyllic when HSV’s one through five are percolating in the Aegean. Start pressing the olives that much harder. Juan Pierre will be by on Tuesday. Next comes an air drop of Donatella Versace’s vivisected skin trimmings. There will be no passover.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lindsay Lohan Moving To London, Again

By Lex June 24, 2015 @ 12:39 PM

Lindsay Lohan Models A Bikini
Every few months Lindsay Lohan announces how much she loves London because she can spell it and the cool air is good for her open leg wounds and how she might move there permanently. I think she’s waiting for somebody to say please don’t go. Mostly everybody is just trying to figure out how to change the locks on America’s door in case she changes her mind. Never make a threat you don’t intend to carry out. Also, never assume a move to a foreign country will cure you of what truly ails you. Unless it’s tax fraud, then maybe.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Addicted to Freezing

By Lex June 16, 2015 @ 11:43 AM

Lindsay Lohan Does More Freezing Therapy
Lindsay Lohan returned to the cryo tank to freeze herself back to only semi-lividity. If applied properly, the negative Kelvin temperatures of the chamber can alleviate joint pain and cause your poor decisions of the last ten years to disappear. Imagine the joy on Greasy Bear’s face when a decade’s worth of cocaine reappears in his gym bag. Adam Levine, that tingle in your scrote is your spooge returning. Stick it in your wife and see if she grows freckles. It’s a shame you only get three minutes in the tank. I’d recommend sex with your female friend to survive. Keep the gloves on.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Closes the Chapter

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 12:53 PM

Lindsay Lohan was pronounced clear of all charges and punishments though not sexually transmitted diseases by an L.A. judge who reviewed her community service logs from the past couple of weeks and declared her debt to society paid in full. The judge profusely thanked Lohan’s attorney for making sure the community service bit got finished, merited since at least half the hours were performed by her attorney in a Lohan wig. This ends an era of eight straight years of probation for Lohan for her various crimes and misdemeanors. Lohan’s cruel path should serve as a reminder to others considering a life of drinking and driving and drugs and body checking your mom away from your stash and casual sex partners that you too could face a ton of probation, or as black people call it, jail time. Everybody’s wondering what Lindsay will do next now that she is finally free to associate with known drug felons at all hours and locations without any supervision or check-ins. Bet embracing her sobriety and picking up her acting career if you like the long odds. Don’t worry, children, Helper Lindsay will be back by September to finish Go, Dog Go!

Photo credit: Getty Images

Lindsay Lohan Freezes (VIDEO)

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 11:46 AM

Lindsay Lohan took time from her lazy sprint to complete her community service hours to hit the cryogenic tanks in New York. Cryogenic therapy involves shoving rich white people into a -180 degree tube until their bodies start releasing endorphins in an attempt to finally feel happy before death. It’s unclear what Lindsay thought happens in these liquid nitrogen chilled chambers, but she came out three minutes later asking if humans were living on the moon yet and if they were, did they also have Adderall. Lindsay prepped for her therapy by submersing herself in an ice bath to get a feel of the sensation. She discovered cold. Also she suddenly remembered where she left the car she rolled in 2005 and the name of the guy still trapped inside. The therapy doesn’t hold long and within an hour she was eating a french dip and setting up orange traffic cones randomly in the street ordering her assistant to run a timer on her and report the hours.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Doing the Impossible

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 9:14 AM

Lindsay Lohan Web Of Lies
Lindsay Lohan has ten days left to perform 140 hours of community service as prescribed by the court to pretend they’re punishing her from one of he last four legal offenses. Lindsay’s trying to max out at a childcare center in Brooklyn but the place isn’t even open that many hours a day for Lindsay to clock in and out. Also, some people are beginning to question the wisdom of letting convicts do their service time at childcare centers. Sometimes that click takes a while. Lohan will have to be run through a formal background check wherein they will discover that she’s no more dangerous than her own mother in terms of being around children. So the kids have a slightly better than not chance of living though eating disorders and self-medication with Craigslist grade prescription drugs seems a given. Parents at the center didn’t seem to have much problem with Lindsay Lohan being around their kids which just goes to show how desperate moms are for childcare. It’s just booze and cocaine and some bad decisions. They’ll be fine.

Photo Credit: Instagram