Matthew McConaughey went for a jog around Malibu, again, with his shirt off, again, and apparently it was cold enough to keep his little hat on but not his shirt. What an asshole. Yeah, we get it, you have nothing to do all day because being an actor is great. Only two kinds of people take their shirt off and run around in public: narcissistic attention whores and feral children who were left in the woods and think they’re wolves. McConaughey has a full body wax, so guess which one he is.
06.15.2010 tuesday headlines
CAMERON DIAZ - is in a bikini in Hawaii. Is she as fug and pale and flat chested as she seems? Let’s find out together my friend! (the sun)
AL GORE - filed for divorce recently, and now Star says he’s been having a two year affair with the ex-wife of Larry David. When asked for a comment, Bill Clinton nodded proudly. (star)
BIG BOI - has released a second single from his next record, and after I become a UFC fighter this will totally be my entrance music. (youtube)
CAMILA ALVES - and her husband Matthew McConaughey (image not available) walked around New York yesterday, and she’s actually not that great looking. It’s weird. And yet here I am, not caring. (splash news online)
twitter …….. facebook …….. refrigerator apartheid
01.04.2010 monday morning headlines
AVATAR - has already made 1 billion dollars, only the 5th movie to ever do so, and it’s only been in theaters for three weeks. Wait, no, three months. Weeks. I don’t know, one of those two. What am I, on trial here? Leave me alone! (los angeles times)
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY - His girlfriend gave birth to a girl yesterday, their second child in just 18 months. What a slut. Hopefully her new years resolution was to keep her pants on for 10 minutes. (us magazine)
OLIVIA MUNN - Despite telling Maxim last month that she was single, Olivia was out this weekend with her on again/off again boyfriend, ‘Star Trek’ star Chris Pine. More like Chris FINE, am I right?! Wait. No. No it is Pine. With a P. My mistake. (people)
MELISSA SATTA - is an Italian actress and model, and I don’t know much about her, but I do know that she was in Miami this weekend and that her ass is fantastic. It’s so firm looking, I feel like if I tried to hump it and missed my penis would crumple up like an empty beer can.
06.22.2009 Afternoon headlines
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY - his wife is pregnant for the second time, just 11 months after giving birth to their first child. I hope he still has time to make a shitty romantic comedy every six weeks. One where he and his ex-girlfriend are both lawyers and they end up going against each other would be amazing, and of course some kind of reverse “My Fair Lady” with him and Anne Hathaway needs to be done, just because Hollywood thrives on completely retarded ideas. (source = e! online)
INGLORIOUS BASTERDS - the brand new second trailer is out (see it here), and Hitler seems really upset. I should send over a Pick Me Up bouquet. It has bright daisies in a colorful keepsake vase.
MEL B - celebrated her 34th birthday this weekend at the MGM pool in Vegas. That deck looks too slippery to be wearing heels. She should take her top off and dry it. (7 more pics here. hq jump here. image source = splash news online)
05.21.2009 McConaughey looks like a fool
I bet Mario Lopez is gonna have a good laugh when he sees Matthew McConaughey throwing out the first pitch at last nights Dodgers game. “What is he doing, haha!”, Mario will probably say. “Why is he on the mound? You’re supposed to scooch way way up, like I did (1). Or like that 100 pound girl from “the Hills” (2). Or the Kardashian girls (3). And then spaz out when you throw it, as if you were a retard trying to catch a butterfly (4).”
“52-year-old Tom Hanks made the same silly mistake last week in Japan (5). So did 62-year-old President Bush when he threw that strike after 911 (6). The Dodgers must have played a joke on Matt. They told me the same thing. They said, ‘don’t you think people will notice that you’re a boy and you’re standing in the middle of the grass like a woman?’ But I don’t think anyone noticed. I was very sensible. It’s dangerous to throw from the mound. It’s too far, and I heard that rubber strip is made of poison.”
(image source = splash)
04.16.2009 matthew mcconaughey was smooth
Matthew McConaughey says in this month’s Elle magazine that when he was a young man getting to know the pleasure of life, the vagina was still a confusing pit of mystery, a riddle that not even softcore porn could unlock.
"From checking out Playboy I always thought — jeezum, we still don’t have a better word for it than vagina, do we? —I thought it was behind the pubic hair, and it faced horizontal. You know, east/west, not south. So the first time I got to third base, man, I was hunting for a long time."
I never know what the hell stoners are talking about and this is no exception. At the risk of making a fool of myself, I’m pretty sure it is behind the pubic hair, and it doesn’t really go any direction as much as it just kind of “opens’. There’s no zipper if that’s what he was expecting. If all he remembers is that he discovered it was not behind the pubic hair and it went north-south, I think he’s suppressing that he first got to third base with a dudes ass. I think he was raped.
