Matthew McConaughey Well Read

By Matt May 18, 2015 @ 8:19 AM


The University of Houston paid Matthew McConaughey $135,000 to deliver a commencement speech to their graduating class who at some point must have wondered why their tuition was high. You’ll soon be unemployed and McConaughey’s cornball platitudes make for great cardboard sign material. The University received some backlash when it was discovered they were wasting people’s money but they stand by their decision because McConaughey generates a lot of publicity, as would the Dean if he sucked his own dick on the news. McConaughey has a tenuous connection to the university because his dad played football there and he also banged a few coeds after his speech. He says he will be donating the money to charity because he desperately wants to seem likable and will also be suing the shit out of whoever leaked his appearance fee. The speech itself was filled with head scratchers but still received a standing ovation because effort should be rewarded even if coming from an under-qualified mimbo:

“We write our own book, overcoming our fears. We make friends with ourselves. And that is the place that I’m talking about.”

Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I can’t remember who spoke at my college graduation because I was black out drunk but I’m going out on a limb and claim it was a scientist. If Bob Saget had been available I might have sobered up. The lord works in mysterious ways. He won an Oscar.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Matthew McConaughey Goes Against The Grain

By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 8:03 AM


Matt McConaughey said he doesn’t think the Washington Redskins should change their name in a GQ interview. He feels he’s an authority on this issue since he identifies with being vaguely spiritual and doesn’t know any surly res dudes who would kick his ass when he wears his Redskins gear. His poor rationale for his own drawling flighty rambling makes you wonder why you should give a fuck about anything he says that isn’t written on paper for him:

“What interests me is how quickly it got pushed into the social consciousness. We were all fine with it since the 1930s, and all of a sudden we go, ‘No, gotta change it’? It seems like when the first levee breaks, everybody gets on board.”

I’m sure McConaughey longs for the days of segregated Woolworths counters and watching white ball players dominate pro sports, but these things tend to work exactly like he described. Somebody says, okay, it’s 2014, time to stop using old Injun slang in our pro sports teams names. And then most everyone else goes, yeah, huh, we should probably do that. It’s not like we’re modifying the Washington Monument into a giant penis and rededicating it to honor gay marriage. That’s not coming for a few years yet. We can live through the loss of white people waving imaginary tomahawks and screaming ancient war chants written in the 60′s.

Look for McConaughey to issue an apology soon, claim he is a quarter Native, and explain to everyone that he’s a stoned idiot mimbo and reading one of his interviews is akin to paying attention to the man’s face when you watch porn.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Brad Pitt Throws Like a Girl

By Lex May 20, 2014 @ 3:10 PM

Brad Pitt Throws A Beer To Matthew McConaughey From His Balcony In New Orleans

Nobody gets everything in life. You got the A-list movie career, the hot wife who is only half crazy with self-mutilation and third world adoptions, and the adoration of millions of fans. Men want to be you, women want to be with you. You’ve succeeded simply by being super fucking charming. The world is your god damned oyster, except, you throw like a girl. And you’re standing next to Drew Brees. He throws like a man. You’re girl tossing a brew over to Matthew McConaughey. Matthew’s the epitome of male and his dad played for the Packers, so he’s likely got some decent ball skills. Here you are under-handing a 12-oz can like you’re tossing a sweater to Tammy to pack for the debutante picnic. God simply doesn’t want anybody to be perfect.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Matthew McConaughey Is Just Like All Of Us

By Travis March 04, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Because we need constant reminders that a lot of famous people were once ordinary losers like us, people are going crazy over this photo of Matthew McConaughey dressed up for his high school prom. After Matthew won the Oscar for Best Actor on Sunday night, a girl Tweeted this photo of her aunt and the Dallas Buyers Club star from their big night many years ago, and I guess it’s cute in a folksy kind of way. But what I’d rather know is how dirty they got in the back of their limo or back in their hotel room that night. Did Matt give her an epic, all-night fit of sexual ecstasy or did he pump two times, jizz on her leg and then cry and apologize as he drove her home? That’s the kind of shit we need to know to determine just how normal this guy really was before he became a huge star.

Matthew McConaughey is doing great

By brendon November 13, 2012 @ 1:25 PM


The good news for Anthiony Cumia is that he looks like Matthew McConaughey now. The bad news is that it’s because Matthew McConaughey looks like Ground Zero for the AIDS epidemic.

But here he is in New Orleans filming ‘The Dallas Buyers Club’, and that mustache really makes him look like a paranoid scumbag. Like like he’d tell you Jews have a dewclaw that can poison you, just like a platypus.

(image source = pacific coast)

Matthew McConaughey needs lots of attention

By brendon January 24, 2011 @ 5:18 PM

Matthew McConaughey

Matthew McConaughey went for a jog around Malibu, again, with his shirt off, again, and apparently it was cold enough to keep his little hat on but not his shirt. What an asshole. Yeah, we get it, you have nothing to do all day because being an actor is great. Only two kinds of people take their shirt off and run around in public: narcissistic attention whores and feral children who were left in the woods and think they’re wolves. McConaughey has a full body wax, so guess which one he is.