Jackson Family Values

By Matt June 26, 2015 @ 6:11 AM


Tuesday was the sixth anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death and subsequent refusal to acknowledge his sexual preferences by the black community. When Jackson passed away his estate was bankrupt. It is now worth $2 billion. Each of Jackson’s definitely not biological children Prince, Paris, and Blanket, are now eligible to liquidate his estate and make $100 million a piece and follow in his footsteps of overdosing on hospital grade pharmaceuticals. The money has come from sales of albums since his death, the movie This Is It and that Michael Jackson Cirque du Soleil tour which you told your girlfriend was canceled. It is reported the kids will probably hang onto the estate since the new buyers would no doubt find evidence of dozens of sex crimes. I’d recommend a DNA test. My real dad’s not a pederast. I think it’s one of the dudes from Entourage.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Michael Jackson Gave a Lot of Money to Children

By Matt April 09, 2015 @ 6:06 AM


In case the candles are still burning from your last Michael Jackson vigil, snuff them out. Michael Jackson was most definitely a pederast if you didn’t know already. He didn’t write any songs but the dude could certainly dance his ass off and since he was a castrado your racist aunt allowed it in the sedan because we all know what Marvin Gaye was up to. Jackson paid $200 million to 20 kids who claimed he sexually abused them. $10 million a pop seems a bit much to cover a small misunderstanding. Sexual abuse is a bit of a vague term so just imagine his Brazilian fabricated nose like object going down on the child of a broken seventh generation failed actor whom his private detectives sought out at the Rosewood. Jackson got away with levels of molestation only guys with money and power can. The justice system isn’t set up to deal with a predator who own his own amusement park. The only shot at cessation is to murder dudes like this and catch an overnight to Belize. You can apply for sainthood at Vatican.org.

Michael Jackson Prank Called Russell Crowe

By Matt April 01, 2015 @ 7:34 AM


Russell Crowe firmly believes the King of Pop prank called him repeatedly over a period of several years although it’s unclear how he verified this. Clearly it is more flattering to believe the most famous music artist ever is calling you and not the bellhop who you stiffed and thinks you’re a tool bag:

“For two or three fucking years, I never met him, shook his hand, but he found out the name I stayed in hotels under, so it didn’t matter where I was, he’d ring up, do this kind of thing, like you did when you were 10, you know… [He’d say,] ‘Is Mr. Wall there? Is Mrs. Wall there? Are there any Walls there? Then what’s holding the roof up? Ha ha.”

Many questions arise. Could you not change your fake name? How did he know which hotel you were at? Most pertinently, are you lying about this? This could be a grandiose hallucination on par with the sun is following me or Lean Dunham is witty or whatever caused Russell Crowe to freak out in hotel rooms and start throwing shit. I’m guessing it wasn’t Pop in a Can jokes. Crack in a Pipe seems more likely. When Crowe alerts us to to his next Michael Jackson prank phone call this will all be settled.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

A Hologram Of Michael Jackson Is More Important Than Most Living Musicians (VIDEO)

By Travis May 19, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

To give you an idea of just how average last night’s Billboard Music Awards show was, two of the top selling points were Robin Thicke’s pathetic groveling to get his wife back and the first ever American performance of an Australian boy band called 5 Seconds of Summer. I’m sure all of the idiot teenage American girls just went crazy over that one. But the biggest spectacle of the night was a performance by a hologram of Michael Jackson, because there’s no point in having actual music artists who are alive perform their actual hit songs when you can just play a glorified music video for a bunch of clapping morons. The standing ovation for a computer image was short-lived, though, when several hologram adult men came forward and said that hologram Michael Jackson had molested them when they were just hologram children. A hologram investigation is pending.

Wade Robson Says Michael Jackson Touched His Pee Pee, For Real This Time

By Jack May 08, 2013 @ 2:51 PM

A douche named Wade Robson is alleging that Michael Jackson really did molest him when he was little, he just forgot. He previously testified in Michael Jackson’s 2005 child molestation trial that he had not been molested. Wade’s shitty parents used to let little Wade hang out with the weird pop superstar when he was a kid. Wade would often even spend the night, you know, because who wouldn’t want their kid sleeping alone with a creepy grown man? Now Wade claims that he just didn’t remember because he had repressed the memories. While I admit that I might try to forget it if a pop icon stuck a glittery-gloved finger in my butt while he rambled about his daddy beating him, I can’t help but question his motives. Why go after MJ after he’s been dead for four years? Was he afraid that a less decomposed Michael zombie might come after him with his army of the break-dancing undead? The only thing worse than people who exploit children are people who exploit dead child molesters. Actually, that’s not true, but it’s still pretty horrible.

You Can Buy Michael Jackson’s Medical Records Now

By Travis April 05, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

A 51-year old ambulance driver and former real estate agent named Brian McDaniel is trying to sell Michael Jackson’s old medical records from his infamous burn accident on the set of a Pepsi commercial in 1984. Seen above in a hilarious scene from The Jacksons: An American Dream, the accident is believed by many to have led the King of Pop to a life of pain killers and plastic surgery.

McDaniel claims that he conveniently found the records next to a dumpster at the hospital, and now he is hoping to sell them again, after he was denied last year.

McDaniel sought last year to sell the documents via an online auction house, but the firm yanked the items in the face of objections from Jackson fans and representatives of the singer’s estate. At the time, Pristine Auction generously estimated that the records could sell for between $100,000 and $500,000. (The Smoking Gun)

I don’t know who on Earth would want to waste a half million dollars on some medical records that probably feature the phrase “enough activator to suffocate an ox”. Unless Jackson himself shows up wearing a fake mustache and offers to trade naked pictures of Macaulay Culkin for them. But McDaniel shouldn’t accept that offer because he can probably get those pictures for $20 and a pack of Newports.