By Matt February 25, 2015 @ 7:33 AM
Some random guy was just chilling in his blog office late last Thursday when an unknown woman knocked on his door and announced:
“I have Oprah and she really has to pee. Can she use your bathroom?”
This supplicant happened to be Ava DuVurnay, the director of Selma. She and Oprah were out getting shitfaced prior to their Oscar snub. The guy whipped open the door as Oprah called for her rose petal throwers to illuminate a path to his shitter. Afterwards the guy was super flattered Oprah had stopped by his office since she is too good for the Rite Aid and god forbid a Burger King in a pinch like the rest of us:
“The woman needs to use the ladies room and she stops by our freaking office!!!!!!! What are the odds for gods sakes?? I’m in shock.”
Calm down dipshit, you’re not getting a car. At best, you could lick your toilet seat and become Eskimo brothers with Stedman. Maybe a hint of Gayle. Perhaps you should be asking yourself why Oprah chose your front door to seek bladder sanctuary. Is it possible her Waze app includes finding the fastest route to submissives with Oprah fascinations. I’ll admit, when somebody name drops Oprah outside your door, you at least have to take a peek. When you get a gun to your face and somebody steals all your valuables, that’s when you’ll know it was really her. Damn you, Oprah.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt February 20, 2015 @ 6:36 AM
Straight as Cupid’s arrow Tyler Perry threw a Christening for his three month old manually conceived son and gave him three Godparents including Oprah and some old guy and I think dead Rock Hudson. It’s unclear if Oprah is in Perry’s trifecta of trustworthy adults or if there’s some marketing at play. That being said if you have a chance to have your kid UPSed to Oprah once you bite the dust just put a gun in your mouth now. We’re talking Yale. Perry had a plethora of musical guests perform including Bill Withers and Jennifer Hudson. Everyone had a great time except the kid who is still trying to figure out how many daddies he has. There’s the new rich old guy and the one who leaves in the morning.
Perry posted a review of the event on Facebook in which he thanked Oprah repeatedly but not his wife or purported mother of the child. In fact she is absent in all photos since the deferred payment waterfall kicked in. Perry and Oprah will now mold the kid into a Manchurian candidate in the form of a lobbyist who presses congress to ban non-transgendered comedies. With any luck their audiences will remain culturally retarded well into the future at which point they’ll hit the cryo lab and leave this little fucker to roam the Florida panhandle searching for his real father and bequeathing various mansions to his inherited Pomeranian.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Travis March 05, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
In the first full trailer for Queen Oprah’s ultimate spin machine ‘docu-series’, Lindsay, the former talk show host and current network head learns what everyone already knew about Lindsay Lohan – that she’s a spoiled, misguided, arrogant has-been. But Oprah thinks that the actress deserves yet another chance, because there’s a huge chunk of the public that loves watching a former child star continuously trip over her own stupid errors and blow every last opportunity that she receives. In addition to watching Dina Lohan pretend that she’s mom of the year while Michael Lohan takes the direct blame, Lindsay’s sober coach tells the camera that she’s still not sober, so Oprah has to board her chariot and take matters into her own hands to tell Lindsay to knock her spoiled baby bullshit off. Honestly, it looks pretty decent.
By Travis November 12, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
On Sunday night, OWN will air the show “Oprah: Where Are They Now?” so Oprah Winfrey can ask Tori Spelling, Sully Sullenberger and Jenna Jameson about how boring their lives have been since Oprah last interviewed them. Jenna will probably talk about her book and maybe her divorce from Tito Ortiz, and probably the promise that she made to her children five years ago, when she retired from the porn industry and vowed never to return. She might also talk about why she lied to her children back then, because she’s been spreading for a web cam lately to make ends meet.
Jenna told TMZ that this is still about her kids, though, because this job gives her a steady paycheck to support them. And hopefully she’ll still find steady work in another few years, when her kids are going to need therapy after their classmates keeping playing clips from Jenna Loves Rocco.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis October 17, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
As Lamar Odom continues to try to keep his marriage with Khloe Kardashian together for the sake of the giant paychecks they receive from E! for their reality series, he also reportedly believes that there’s a snowball’s chance in Los Angeles that another NBA team would give him a shot again after he spent most of the last two months either smoking crack or denying it. But now TMZ reports that the always opportunistic and shamelessly exploitative Oprah Winfrey is trying to land a tell-all TV interview with Lamar with the hopes that her relationship with the Kardashians will earn his trust.
Know what else might earn his trust? A large check. Or just cut out at the middle man and tell him to look under his seat. What’s in that gift box, Oprah? “IT’S CRACK COCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINE!”
Photo Credit: JP/JFXimages/WENN.com
By Travis August 19, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s interview with Oprah Winfrey finally aired last night on OWN, and this is just a wild guess, but I assume that the $2 million she was paid for it has already been blown. That’s because Lindsay finally admitted that she was an addict, hooked on alcohol, cocaine and Adderall, and if everything that movies and TLC shows have taught me about addiction is true, she was probably offering Oprah’s assistants rimjobs for a can of air duster by the third question.
Lindsay might have also revealed a lot of additional personal information, but I couldn’t hear her over Oprah cutting her off during every answer to ask the next question. I’m starting to think the way Oprah gets her guests to cry is by frustrating them and pissing them off so much that they just want to rip her throat out. Then they unwind later by smoking some crack and have to come back and do it all over again. It’s genius, really.