By Travis August 19, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s interview with Oprah Winfrey finally aired last night on OWN, and this is just a wild guess, but I assume that the $2 million she was paid for it has already been blown. That’s because Lindsay finally admitted that she was an addict, hooked on alcohol, cocaine and Adderall, and if everything that movies and TLC shows have taught me about addiction is true, she was probably offering Oprah’s assistants rimjobs for a can of air duster by the third question.
Lindsay might have also revealed a lot of additional personal information, but I couldn’t hear her over Oprah cutting her off during every answer to ask the next question. I’m starting to think the way Oprah gets her guests to cry is by frustrating them and pissing them off so much that they just want to rip her throat out. Then they unwind later by smoking some crack and have to come back and do it all over again. It’s genius, really.
By Lex August 13, 2013 @ 2:56 PM
I wouldn’t fuck with Oprah. She’s big and rich and vindictive. But, somebody has got to speak truth to fat power and that somebody is the anonymous store clerk from the Swiss store where Oprah claims she was the victim of vile designer handbag racism.
‘I wasn’t sure what I should present to her when she came in on the afternoon of Saturday July 20 so I showed her some bags from the Jennifer Aniston collection. It is absolutely not true that I declined to show her the [expensive] bag on racist grounds. I even asked her if she wanted to look at the bag.’
So, sort of the opposite of what crying Oprah said. Not that there’s any proof. But now that Switzerland has apologized, from the store owner on up to the Burgermeister Meisterburger, and Oprah apologized back to all of Switzerland from atop her floating island lair, can’t we all just agree that the real villain here is Jennifer Aniston. Does she really need to be hocking purses? Friends money running dry? Jennifer Aniston ruins everything.
By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 5:39 PM
The Swiss Paula Deen, the woman who wouldn’t show Oprah Winfrey the expensive purses in her Zurich store, has finally been exposed. Meh, I couldn’t be bothered to look up her actual name, but suffice it to say, she’s a cross between Bull Connor and the plantation owner played by Leonardo DiCaprio in Django Unchained. Our long international nightmare is over. In typical Swiss fashion, everybody in the entire country of Switzerland apologized to Oprah, everyone duly admitting that had they known she was an important black person and not a broke-ass stealing ghetto crack smoking black person, they would’ve let her shop for the high end purses. Apologies accepted, everyone in Switzerland went back to work making clocks and hiding stolen gold from Jewish Holocaust victims.
By Lex July 19, 2013 @ 12:56 PM
This entire audio tape is rather shocking. First, who knew that Rae Dawn Chong was still alive? Well, she is. And she’s complimenting Oprah by saying how amazing it is that such an unattractive fat black woman has been able to accomplish what she did. Back in the day Oprah would’ve been lucky to be picking cotton and raped by the Master’s blind son. Wow. High school girls bathroom (from what I’m told). Both these women filmed The Color Purple thirty years ago. Rae Dawn quickly faded into obscurity. Oprah went on to become the single most powerful person in the entire fucking world. When Oprah takes a leak, 10,000 Chinese villagers die in a flood on the other side of the world. You lost Rae Dawn. You’re the punk fighter beaten to a pulp on the canvas. Stop talking shit about the champ.
By Travis July 16, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s “people” were claiming as recently as last week that as soon as she gets out of this latest rehab stint, she wants to move somewhere off the grid and focus on remaining sober and keeping out of the public eye. Of course, that will never, ever, never-ever-ever-ever happen, because as soon as she smells a Parliament Light, she’ll probably be on the first pilot’s lap back to Los Angeles.
But now there’s a surprise twist to Lindsay’s upcoming July 31 release from rehab – she’s going to get $2 million and two personal assistants from Oprah Winfrey for an 8-episode “documentary series” that will chronicle her struggles and her latest attempt at a comeback. And we could rip on Oprah for empowering this freckled nightmare, but Lindsay is 27 now and strange things happen to celebrities at that age. So there’s a decent chance Oprah just bought first class seats for the last stop on this train wreck.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
By brendon April 26, 2012 @ 10:03 AM
Oprah Winfrey has everyone kissing her ass again today thanks to a planted story on Page Six, which got picked up by AOL and the Huffington Post and others, except now the headline says, “Oprah Feeds Homeless Man Dinner, Gives Him A Fat Wad Of Cash.”
A homeless man named Eddie saw Oprah Winfrey eating dinner on the patio of Scarpetta in Beverly Hills recently. Eddie asked her for a bowl of soup, (but) the media mogul did him one better.
“Please, can we get him some money, get him a meal?” asked Oprah. As Scarpetta staff brought him a “feast,” one of Oprah’s dinner companions handed over a bunch of cash.
Oh hey so it turns out Oprah did not feed a homeless man dinner or give him a fat wad of cash. Other people did. Her idea of charity is to oink orders at her staff, then wallow in the spotlight and take credit for things she didn’t do or pay for.
In a related story, Gayle King was in a total panic when she heard Oprah lost her “fat wad”, because that’s her nickname for Oprahs clitoris.
(the pictures of seleta ebanks aren’t relevant to anything, if you were wondering. well they are in the sense that i looked through a few pictures of oprah and panicked.)