Phil Robertson Preaches Young Love

By Jack December 31, 2013 @ 1:30 PM

Phil Robertson is back with more nuggets of inbred swamp redneck wisdom. This time he is advising the men folk to marry girls when they are 15 or 16. The Duck Dynasty star was explaining the ducks and the fucks to a group of fellow born-agains in 2009 when he explained that when a young man is in the market for a bride he should go young…real young. By the time they get to 20 they are too worldly and have, like, finished high school and stuff. Phil married his own wife when she was just 16. He says,

“They got to where they’re getting hard to find, mainly because these boys are waiting ‘til they get to be about 20 years old before they marry ‘em. Look, you wait ‘til they get to be 20 years old the only picking that’s going to take place is your pocket. You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16. They’ll pick your ducks.”

Of course, everybody who has built up Phil Robertson as their tobacco-spitting strawman for intolerance will now point to him as a pedophile defiler of children. That’s got more sweeping hysterical appeal than just the fact that he preaches against sodomy. I’m not sure what people are expecting out of a redneck duck hunter from the Deep South. That he’s going to tell his minions to bang loose chicks until they’re 35 then marry a Sex in the City girl on her second go-round and adopt a Chinese baby for the nanny to raise. 15 seems a bit extreme in these modern times, even the State of Louisiana raised their age of consent to 17. This definitely seems worthy of another fake reprimand from A&E.

Phil Robertson Is Back Because… Money

By Lex December 30, 2013 @ 5:28 PM

The good thing about living in an almost purely money driven society is you can easily predict what’s going to happen in any given situation. Even the ever-angry activists at GLAAD know they only win when they put rock hard manstick type pressure on the flow of economics. They knew Phil Robertson and Duck Dynasty was coming back to A&E. It’s not like the cable channel can get fat Steven Seagal stuffed back into a cop suit and film some more Lawman episodes. Duck Dynasty is their cash cow. When Phil Robertson drove the self-declared enlightened folks nuts with his comment about ass-love being heretical, A&E corporate kneejerks couldn’t slip in their own spooge fast enough to suspend the Duck commander. I guess they’ve now had a week to run the numbers. Knock-knock, mofos, the born-again hicks from Monroe are paying for your Prius and your mistress because your wife doesn’t understand your need to smell leather during sex. Everybody is lining up to call out the winners and losers in this public reaming. But I say there are no winners or losers, but mostly because it’s too much work to figure it out.

The Phil Robertson As Jesus Penis Sculpture Is Here

By Lex December 27, 2013 @ 6:32 PM

Daniel Edwards Creates Sculpture Based On Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson
Where there is controversy to be sculpted, you’ll find Daniel Edwards. Like so many who work in the sculpting medium, Daniel is a lighthearted free-spirit type of guy. His past works have included naked fat Oprah in a golden sarcophagus, Britney Spears giving birth on all fours, dead naked Paris Hilton in autopsy, and Hilary Clinton with female type boobs. They all have some accompanying social message that I really can’t bother to read because who can control their faculties after seeing Hillary Clinton or Oprah topless. The dead Paris Hilton doesn’t bother me so much, it’s a cautionary tribute to the perils of drunk driving. Now Daniel’s done and gone sculpted vagina-loving ass-hating Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty. He depicts Robertson as a crown of thorns Jesus cock with miserable looking Marriage Equality ducks as his nuts. I’m going to go ahead and say this represents Phil Robertson being a prick for using Jesus to hate on man-man love. But that’s just this layman’s interpretation. I’m more interested in how David Geffen plans to mount it after purchase.

Photo Credit: Daniel Edwards/Facebook

Duck Dynasty Backlash Backlash at Cracker Barrel

By Lex December 23, 2013 @ 5:07 PM

When people laud democracy and diversity and tolerance and such, what they really mean is, this shit is great when people agree with me. When they don’t, time to cut that Kumbaya crap out and start a boycott or sign an online pledge. Corporate America is largely a bunch of nutless weasels. When they get thrust into the middle of culture battles, they never know which way to kneejerk. Cracker Barrel put out notice they were canning the Duck Dynasty licensed merch in their country marts because Phil Robertson thinks Sodomites aren’t going to heaven. I guess they made this decision without anybody pointing out that their store is called ‘Cracker’ and it’s based heavily in the South. So they got a shit ton of backlash on their backlash and were forced to wet themselves in poorly worded apologies:

When we made the decision to remove and evaluate certain Duck Dynasty items, we offended many of our loyal customers. Our intent was to avoid offending, but that’s just what we’ve done. You flat out told us we were wrong. We listened.

Cracker Barrel’s mission is pleasing people. We operate within the ideals of fairness, mutual respect and equal treatment of all people. These ideals are the core of our corporate culture.

No shit your mission is pleasing people. You’re jumping over the pleasing table like a whore desperate to make rent. At what point exactly did you realize that doing something that would offend 95% of your customers was not such a great idea? You can’t take both sides in a fight, you simps. That’s not how life works, even in the majestic Eden that is the Cracker Barrel country store.

Phil Robertson Now Hates Blacks and Once Killed a Duck!

By Lex December 20, 2013 @ 4:01 PM

After everybody got done misquoting and misrepresenting Phil Robertson’s comments in GQ about how he loves vagina, can’t imagine a dude tanking another dude in the ass, and called homosexuality sinful, the landscape settled down and people realized that about half the country agreed with him. Actually, 45%, and probably double that among his audience. Losing traction in the crusade against Duck Dynasty, people who hate that other people think differently then they do turned the attack on Phil Robertson to his vile racism. Specifically, comments about how black people he worked the fields with in the 1950′s and 1960′s in the South were happier before the rise of the welfare state and the civil rights movement in earnest. A somewhat uninformed suggestion at best, but not exactly Sheriff Bull Connor with a stick and a hose. Still, Phil Robertson serves as a platform to remind ourselves that only by publicly claiming to be more enlightened than the next man can we truly find enlightenment ourselves. I think Buddha said something like that while watching his monastic slaves work his property.

Gay Activists TKO Duck Dynasty In Very First Round

By Lex December 19, 2013 @ 3:58 PM

That was a quick fight. Within about 24 hours of the furor over Phil Robertson’s anti-ass and pro-vagina comments, A&E removed him from the Duck Dynasty show he’s headlined into the most successful basic cable show in the history of that gloriously retarded medium.

It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.

That’s the quote that got gay activists to Defcon 1 in their war room, determined to make Phil Robertson choke on the pages of his own bible. It was like watching the U.S. bomb Iraq during one of the many times we seem to do that. Endless sorties of the world’s most advanced air weaponry technology taking on dudes on the ground with rusty handguns and bad mustaches. Surrender was onl a matter of when, not if. Phil Robertson was also quoted in GQ on some insensitive comments about how black folks in Louisiana didn’t mind being segregated cotton pickers before The Great Society social programs. A little naive, at best. But let’s be honest, talk about cotton picking doesn’t come close to ass dicking in terms of suiciding your career in the media.

A&E is now facing backlash over the backlash from the show’s mighty strong faithful. They’ve lost either way. They might as well start looking for the next wacky family to turn into a TV show because people find their own families lame and boring. And they best prep them not to speak of their love of vaginas. Nobody needs another reaming.