Not everybody dies with the heroic dignity of the Navy Seals in Lone Survivor. Some have to hang on by hook or by crook, draining every last feeling of goodwill and fond memories they created throughout their lifetime. On a completely unrelated note, Playboy rented a bus to drive a bunch of girls around Los Angeles to gin up interest in their 60th anniversary. They tried to celebrate their anniversary last month by featuring an aging supermodel nobody cares about on their cover, but apparently that went about as well as everybody who doesn’t work at Playboy expected. For the bus ride, Playboy spared no expense. That included the non-Costco waters and hiring Jayde Nicole to be the hostess. Jayde’s smile is a tribute both to modern surgical practices and her ability to think of candy canes and wealthy men, rather than the fact that nobody has purchased a copy of Playboy magazine since people thought Ross Perot was sane. Everything was going well until the bus pulled into the Chevron for a refill and the Playboy credit card got rejected. But the girls held a carwash or something to raise money to fill the tank and off the bus went for one final circle around the toilet bowl.
“This creates a heat for the brand globally. It started with Marilyn Monroe on the cover of Playboy 60 years ago, an icon for her time. Now we’ve got Kate Moss!” – Jimmy Jellinek, Playboy Editorial Director
Really, Jimmy? I hope to God that your press release writer added that exclamation point without your knowledge. Wasn’t it just two Christmases ago that Photoshopped images of a horse tranquilized Lindsay Lohan was your Marilyn Monroe? The entire world is not holding their breath to see Kate Moss over-produced nudes. She’s been naked a hundred times before, thousands of shot glasses and bumps of coke ago. She’s not even a Playboy type model. She’s a 40-year old fashion model you’re going to have to airbrush until you’re out of air.
“You’re talking about the face of Burberry, the biggest supermodel in the world on the cover of Playboy. She’s the perfect partner for us to help launch the next 60 years.”
Not Burberry, the upscale British clothing and accessories house. Fuck, Playboy, are you even listening to yourself? Kate Moss in 2013 is like your sommelier pissing in your wine glass and telling you it pairs perfectly with the fish. It’s probably time to pack up the magazine business. You don’t even need to tell the old man. Just crank up the twilight slumber gas in his stasis chamber and tell him Barbie Benton’s here to give him a handy. Let him go out feeing like a champ.
On one hand, it’s probably the least surprising revelation of the year that when told Monday that his probation was revoked and that he’d have to appear in court in August to face possible jail time, Chris Brown went and partied at the Playboy Mansion one night later. I don’t really blame him, either, because we all know that there’s a better chance of Brown curing cancer than serving time in Los Angeles.
But it’s also nice to see so many young women crowding around the guy famous for beating Rihanna senseless, because you know that somewhere their fathers are praying for swift deaths.
There are some people out there who believe that Amanda Bynes’ perceived public meltdown is less about her trying to convince Drake to murder her vagina by turning herself into his favorite stripper, Blac Chyna, and more about drawing a ton of attention to herself so she can find a new job and make money. And while most people think she’s just a colossal fucktard, it appears that Playboy Radio has bought the bait that she’s just looking for a paycheck.
According to TMZ, Playboy Radio wants to give Bynes a one-week trial run for her own hour-long show, on which she can talk about stuff like piercing her cheeks, accusing police officers of sexual assault and suing everyone who even whispers her name. It’s really the perfect move for her, as she has the tits for Playboy and face for radio.
Located across the street from the legendary Playboy Mansion, the Bunny House (AKA the Bunny Hutch) is a 5-bedroom, 6.5-bathroom residence that has been called home by some of the sexiest women in the world for more than 60 years. But gone are the days of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends throwing nonstop parties and putting up with D-list celebrities for the sake of cheap rent, because Hefner has put the Hutch up for sale.
For just $11 million, some lucky guy can brag to his friends that his new home has had more young ass in it than George Clooney’s hot tub, but only after he finishes removing all of the pubic lice from the carpets. But is this ranch house and its 1.3-acre lot really worth it? The Real Estalker says no.
To be honest with y’all the property looks a bit on the scungy side for a house in this particular neck of hoity toity L.A. The neighbors probably hate it.
Sure, it would probably sound cool to tell people that you own the old Bunny House and live across the street from the Playboy Mansion, but $11 million is a ton of cash to spend to put up with David Spade and Pauly Shore trying to dry hump you every night.
I don’t know how it works, but I assume that because Amanda Cerny was Playboy’s Miss October for 2011 and Ciara Price was Miss November 2011, they get to be roommates in the Playboy mansion. Maybe they even have bunk beds. And every night they help each other try on lingerie before they pillow fight each other to sleep. Again, I’m no expert at Playboy protocol, but I think I’m close enough.
Anyway, Amanda Tweeted this video of her and Ciara hanging out in an empty Los Angeles apartment, which I’m pretty sure is how at least 90% of Criminal Minds episodes begin, and they’re both dressed up like sorority girls at a slumber party with their face masks on as they dance around like kids. Amanda called it the “No Pants Dance”, but Ciara is clearly wearing pants, and I hate when girls lie.
Honestly, if we can’t trust our Playboy Playmates to be honest with us and not wear any clothes, then who can we trust?