Adrienne Bailon Wants Rob Kardashian Off Her Ass

By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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A pendant would make more sense. Or a homemade coupon book for blow jobs. Trust me when I say he’ll appreciate that more than a tattoo. Adrienne Bailon’s forecasting skills weren’t so hot six years ago when she got an ass tattoo of the full name of the guy whose job was being ‘loser brother’ on the Kardashian show. Since their breakup she’s tried twice to get his name lasered off to no avail. Now her new dude is complaining that every time he slams her up against the Ikea Billy he sees Rob Kardashian’s name in his rifle sight. Adrienne enlisted the help of space age technology to turn her Kardashian ass signature into something resembling a melting Fudgie the Whale.

“For me, I feel like getting the tattoo was painful. And I think living the last six years with somebody’s name on your body is a little weird and that’s a bit more painful. Like, I’d have to explain that to my kids.”

Well yeah, those future rug-rats are going to want to know why the name of the argyle sock designer who famously sat at a Farrell’s Ice Cream parlor and ate Gibson Girls until his thorax exploded is permanently stenciled into your dumper. Kids are curious like that. Clear that tat off post-haste and hope that Google searches are considered totally lame ten years from now. You know, since you went on Extra to talk all about your Rob Kardashian ass tattoo and created a dozen top ranked search results.

Kris Jenner Drops Fat Rob from The Family Collage

By Lex July 08, 2014 @ 5:19 AM

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Kris Jenner runs her ship like Michael Corleone. You go against the family and you’re out the 4th of July red white and blue family collage. It’s a fate worse than Fredo. His was a merciful death. Fat Rob Kardashian should be so lucky. He got fat on sizzurp and donuts and questioned the social legitimacy of his artificially shaped sisters. That means purgatory. There are no argyle socks in purgatory. And you have to live with your mom and listen to her slam her jack rabbit against her bean while screaming out ‘Fuck me, Number 32, and give me a baby’. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t choose one in the back of the head over that.

Rob Kardashian Has a New Job (No, Not the Fucking Socks Again)

By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 1:13 PM

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Kris Jenner moves the pieces of her retard child army around the master board like Tywin Lannister plotting his armed dominion over Westeros. She couldn’t let the media circle around the meme of her fat, distraught son. The last time that happened she re-invented him as an argyle sock designer. Now, he’s a construction contractor overseeing the renovations to Khloe’s new home.

Having my brother oversee my construction at our new house while I’m in NY is a tad scary. I’m way too controlling lol — O.J.’s daughter on Twitter

I got u don’t you worry. Got the boom boom room all set up and everythangggggg. — Fat Rob responding on Twitter

Khloe’s new house just happens to be Justin Bieber’s old home. I’m sure the neighbors are piss pleased at Bieber finally moving out and the Kardashians moving in. I’d torch that Amityville home nightly. Dutiful puffy Rob is helping Khloe put an underground basketball court into the mini-palace, a place of serenity where she can post up and dominate in the paint as is the athletic wont of her true bloodline. It’s possible the basketball court is the idea of the new rapper boyfriend she snagged to please her mother. Whoever buys that house next will experience the joy of finding the parquet flooring covered with stale jizz and Gino’s pizza rolls. Carry on, Rob.

Rob Kardashian Has the Eye of the Tiger

By Lex May 30, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

Rob Kardashian At The Gym In Los Angeles
Wedding day tantrums aside, Rob Kardashian has to toe the company line. He might be appalled at the shrieking cash vacuuming succubi he calls family, but his designer argyle sock line isn’t going to keep him rolling in Mercedes SUV clover. He’s shit out of luck. His family business is whoring and fat man whores don’t get paid. Rob hit the gym in Beverly Hills to ensure that every local paparazzi would catch him working out and and report on it. When he got home, Kris Jenner patted him on the head and handed him a cookie she snatched away just as he reached for it. Fail. Kris kicked her son in the nuggets and had him locked in the sub-basement next to the Arab sheik who thought he could fondle Kendall and pay with an out of state check. If Rob doesn’t fix himself up soon, Kris will order him onto the same amphetamine and semen diet regimen that got Kim into her junior prom dress.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet

Rob Kardashian Sent into Fatty Exile

By Lex May 26, 2014 @ 4:14 PM

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Able was I ere I ate Elba. Depending on whose side of the story you believe, Rob Karsashian either ditched his sister’s Florentine wedding because he’s the only Kardashian with enough integrity to see through the disgustingly shallow and money grubbing disease that plagues his entire family, or, because he’s a fat whiny bitch with enough integrity to see through the disgustingly shallow and money grubbing disease that plagues his entire family. According to reports, a tear-streaked Rob fled Italy prior to the wedding like an exiled Caesar:

Rob said he was sickened by Kim and Kanye’s display of wealth and clothes and beauty and called it superficial bullshit.

In addition to Rob’s comfort eating enlightenment, Kim and her sorority apparently made one too many biting comments about Rob not losing enough weight to fit into his Armani tuxedo which was storyboard approved for Kim’s wedding day photos. It’s pretty damn mean when your own family calls you a fat whiny chunk of pussy. Even when you are. How about a little love for your sock designing prowess and your ability to slug female paparazzo? As the sole male heir to dead Robert Kardashian, Rob is in line to inherit about twelve bucks someday. That’s just enough cash to wolf down two footlong meatballs at Subway while watching his starving, successful sisters roll by in their Bentleys sitting atop rapper dick so they can see over the dash.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Khloe Kardashian Is Not Currently Screwing Her Brother

By Jack April 22, 2014 @ 12:24 PM

Big boned Kardashian sister Khloe made it clear that she is not having sex with her brother Rob. She made this revelation while she was guest hosting Chelsea Handler’s horribly canned laugh track funny funny show. She and Rob are currently living together because Rob also likes to eat to fill the empty space where a normal human mother’s love would be. During her unfunny monologue, she brought up the subject of her deadbeat bro and cleared up a rumor she just made up by saying,

“However, most people know me as the sister of fashion icon and sock tycoon Rob Kardashian. Rob’s been on my mind a lot lately because we’re currently living together. And no, we’re not sexually involved — my brother’s not nearly black enough for me!”

I’m going to guess the writing room at Chelsea is something akin to the girls at Curves meeting up with their gay BFFs for appletinis after pushing their hearts to the limit at 90 bpm. E! is an incestuous shop so it’s not surprising they went with incest as a super hilarious bit for the sad clown to read off the teleprompter. And then throwing on the racial bit was tres hilarious. Here’s what’s funny. Rob is probably one negative comment away from a self-pity stab at his neck with a sharp object to end the pain. Khloe spends her days like a twelve-year old on Twitter spiraling between lovelorn mania and bitter depression. The entire family has been fucked up their large asses by their mother’s blind stage ambition for fame and fortune at the cost of her mildly retarded children’s health and well-being. The lucky one was Robert Sr. who had the innate sense to die young just to escape his particular circle of Hell. How about mouthing reading that off the prompter, Khloe? The producers can pump up the laugh track to cover the sounds of air escaping the various orifices of the rotund monkeys clapping in the sound stage bleachers.