Khloe Kardashian Is Not Currently Screwing Her Brother

By Jack April 22, 2014 @ 12:24 PM

Big boned Kardashian sister Khloe made it clear that she is not having sex with her brother Rob. She made this revelation while she was guest hosting Chelsea Handler’s horribly canned laugh track funny funny show. She and Rob are currently living together because Rob also likes to eat to fill the empty space where a normal human mother’s love would be. During her unfunny monologue, she brought up the subject of her deadbeat bro and cleared up a rumor she just made up by saying,

“However, most people know me as the sister of fashion icon and sock tycoon Rob Kardashian. Rob’s been on my mind a lot lately because we’re currently living together. And no, we’re not sexually involved — my brother’s not nearly black enough for me!”

I’m going to guess the writing room at Chelsea is something akin to the girls at Curves meeting up with their gay BFFs for appletinis after pushing their hearts to the limit at 90 bpm. E! is an incestuous shop so it’s not surprising they went with incest as a super hilarious bit for the sad clown to read off the teleprompter. And then throwing on the racial bit was tres hilarious. Here’s what’s funny. Rob is probably one negative comment away from a self-pity stab at his neck with a sharp object to end the pain. Khloe spends her days like a twelve-year old on Twitter spiraling between lovelorn mania and bitter depression. The entire family has been fucked up their large asses by their mother’s blind stage ambition for fame and fortune at the cost of her mildly retarded children’s health and well-being. The lucky one was Robert Sr. who had the innate sense to die young just to escape his particular circle of Hell. How about mouthing reading that off the prompter, Khloe? The producers can pump up the laugh track to cover the sounds of air escaping the various orifices of the rotund monkeys clapping in the sound stage bleachers.

Rob Kardashian Is In So Much Pain

By Travis April 02, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Like the bravest of souls, Rob Kardashian took a little time away from Twitter as he continues his struggle to lose weight, and he made his triumphant return the other day to promote his socks. Yesterday, he also tweeted the very vague message, “no one will ever understand how much it hurts,” which most people think is related to his quest to lose weight, and the fact that his mom reportedly forced him to go to fat camp so he could be thin enough for Kim Kardashian’s wedding. But maybe he meant something deeper and more emotional, like it hurts to see his teenage sisters posting provocative photos of themselves for perverts on Instagram. Or maybe he meant that it hurts to see his sister drive her NBA player husband to smoking crack with prostitutes. Hell, maybe he meant that it hurts to know that his family is only famous because Kim let a nobody fuck her in front of a video camera. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure that millions of people know how much it sucks to be fat.

Photo Credit: Getty

Rob Kardashian Doing Well At Fat Camp

By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 4:59 PM

You may know Rob as the Kardashian who loves to eat McNuggets and knit fashionable socks and embarrass his sisters by not looking OMG fabulous in a bikini. Depending on which reports you believe, evil whorecat mom Kris Jenner is either supportive of her son Rob and has flown him off on a secret jet to a fat camp workout center, or she’s berating him constantly for being a ruinous loser glutton who is costing the family serious cash and won’t be invited to the big wedding.

Rob is fatter than ever, and Kris finally flat out told him that he’s an embarrassment to the family. She called him a fat slob and said he’s losing out on business opportunities because no one wants someone as huge as him representing their products

So says the anonymous Star source who might just be Kris Jenner herself. She’s so fucked in the manicured head she probably can’t keep track of her various media attention schemes. The source went on to say that Fat Rob’s sisters get in on the sadistic fat shaming as well:

They’re embarrassed to be photographed with him and bully him for being fat. They also tease him for by leaving cakes and cookies around to tempt him.

Well that surely does sound mean and evil and therefore like it’s probably true. You may recall that Fat Rob got so sensitive about his weight that he recently deleted all of his Instagram pictures and last year a female photographer claims he punched her and stole her camera memory card for taking a picture of him topless. Actually, you probably do deserve to be punched in the face for capturing Rob Kardashian topless. Though a Kim Kardashian topless could net you $100,000. She was probably just confused.

Rob is now sending out updates from fat camp with pictures of his gym letting everybody know how everything is awesome once more.. I generally don’t feel bad for fat people, but fat people who got raised in the Kardashian family, that’s pretty war torn kid found in a Killing Fields hovel full of snakes and grenades type shit. I’ll grant you a little comfort snacking to make the sounds of shrieking shrew female voices and the sight of Bruce Jenner trying on your mom’s panties go away. I’d quit those bogus workouts and just stay fat if I were you, Rob. It might just be your ticket off Devil’s Island.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Rob Kardashian Too Fat To Be on the Bride Side

By Jack March 11, 2014 @ 2:26 PM

Rob Kardashian doesn’t want to go to sister Kim’s magical third wedding because he’s too fat. Rob has been steadily gaining weight over the last few years and is embarrassed that he doesn’t look like a plastic demon-troll like the rest of his family. Rob is whining to anyone who will listen that he feels like he’s going to stick out like a fat Armenian thumb if he goes to France for Kim’s heavily staged nuptials. Rumor has it that the two haven’t been that close in recent years because, you know, she’s an evil ambitious bitch like her mom and he’s a self-pitying fat lounge-about sock-designer who secretly hates his family. Instead of slamming cheeseburgers down his gullet, it sure would be interesting if he went to the wedding and took hostages in whatever chateau has agreed to barter their historical soul for cash. The mere idea of CNN reporting on Rob Kardashian threatening to blow up his entire family in the castle keep gives me a Kate Upton level boner. Go to Paris, Rob. Please. Bring your years of pent up rage. They have McDonald’s. And plastique.

Rob Kardashian Is a Big Boy with a Small Water

By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 1:16 PM

Rob Kardashian Looking Large As He Arrives At A Hotel In Beverly Hills
Let’s be honest, if you’re a dude with one slutty sister, life is hard enough. If you’re surrounded by a gaggle of slow witted chunks, you’re going to either spend your life getting into fights or stress eating a shitload of Cheez-It’s. Or both. Rob Kardashian just wants to be left alone to sit under the cork tree and make his designer socks, but they just keep trying to haul his fat ass off the skanky bull fights. Don’t be shocked if he pulls a reverse Chaz Bono at some point and just shows up one day in Khloe’s wardrobe. No tailoring required.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Rob Kardashian Just Wants to Make Socks

By Lex October 04, 2013 @ 3:04 PM

Unlike your typical fame-obsessed Kardashian, Rob Kardashian is truly a grounded guy. He doesn’t need to be in the media spotlight for being fat or useless or punching women, he just wants to be left alone to make his designer socks.

“Literally, my job is I make socks. That’s all I do. I don’t necessarily care about the show. I would rather film this — me doing what I do — than being around my family.” — Rob Kardashian told the WSJ

For those of you who’ve been living under a rock or not completely obsessed with everything designer mens sock related, Rob Kardashian started a custom designed footwear line called Arthur George. Arthur George is Rob’s imaginary friend he invented to comfort himself after walking in on Khloe pleasuring herself with a house lamp.  Sometimes Rob likes to use stripes, or circles, or swirly patterns in his designs. They can be blue or yellow or purple or anything he really wants. His creative visions are limited only by the ability of his powerful family to insist retail outlets carry his bright gay socks.

“But I’d like to do my own thing and focus on what I love. If people accept it, they accept it. If they don’t, they don’t.”

We accept you, Rob. You and your socks.