Russell Brand went to an AA meeting in West Hollywood today, and looked every bit the part in his sandals and scruffy layers of clothes. Then he left and drove off in a brand new Infiniti SUV. “What the fuck,” several confused bums could be heard yelling.
According to AOL and the Huffington Post, Russell Brand mocked Katy Perry during his monologue at the MTV Movie Awards, with exclamation marks thankfully included to indicate the things that are supposed to be jokes.
Brand also made jokes about his short-lived marriage to pop star Katy Perry through Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.
“(And if after recent events you think it’s hypocritical of me to joke about a celebrity beating up a paparazzi), wait until you see what I have to say about celebrities with short-lived marriages!”
And as you would know if you’ve ever seen Russell Brand on stage, he had absolutely nothing to say about short-lived marriages.
“Kanye storming the stage the last time I hosted took a lot of pressure off me, and Kim’s record-breaking short marriage also took pressure off me. Cheers.”
Please believe me when I tell you that nothing was left out and that was the entire joke.
Brand and Perry met at the MTV Video Music Awards in September of 2009.
“The last time I hosted I did marry someone who was there, so I’m keeping my eyes open for a new wife tonight,” Brand said, before shouting, “Fassbender!”
Oh well Michael Fassbender would make a fine wif-WAIT HUH?!? But he is not a lady, you cannot marry him! Oh, Russell, you’ve done it again, you madcap jester!
Katy Perry married Russell Brand in India of October of 2010, then filed for divorce in America fourteen months later. But then she went back to India earlier this month, and according to Us magazine and some snitch who can’t keep a secret, that made her all sentimental and plagued with regret.
“Katy’s been trying to get him back! She’s a lost soul right now. She’d already been missing Russell. Being back there stirred up even more old feelings.”
Well of course it did. India is dirty and smells bad, just like Russell Brand. It would have been the same if she’d gone to New Orleans, she’d have been wet the entire time.
(image source of katy on saturday at day 2 of coachella = wenn, splash)
Russell Brand, seen above with the terrifying glare that only an effeminate, British wheelchair-porn enthusiast could muster, apparently took it upon himself to accost a photographer and chuck his cell phone threw a window as proven by this blurry mess and this broken window. New Orleans Police would like a word this this cheeky git (God, British slang is absurd) regarding the incident, reports Radar Online:
The bizarre incident occurred at around 7 pm on Monday in the Warehouse District of the city, when a paparazzi photographer named Timothy Jackson was reportedly trying to take photos of the Arthur star on his iPhone; Russell became angry and snatched it out his hand and threw it through a nearby window.
Look, it’s not cool to go around stealing people’s shit and whipping said shit through innocent bystanding windows. We can all agree on that, but Russell Brand isn’t allowed to mainline crack anymore and his nutsack is forever constricted by skinny jeans. How’s a guy supposed to blow off steam? Anyway, he was probably just mad because his favorite footballer got hurt or his fish and chips got cold. I know very little about the English.
Katy Perry made her first public appearance since her divorce Friday night at the Mirage in Las Vegas for a charity event called GiveLove. I don’t know who that guy is that she’s with though. I looked but it didn’t say. His parents should be ashamed of themselves for raising such a failure for a son.
Russell Brand says he used to be a sex addict and have sex 5 times a day, so if it seemed unlikely that the religious and sugary-sweet Katy Perry could satisfy him in bed, that’s because it was.
Russell Brand is notorious for his once-wild lifestyle and attempts to change his bad boy ways. But according to a report in the newest issue of Us Weekly, Brand allegedly wasn’t able to kick all of his bad habits.
“Katy was kinky enough during their first times together and he was very attracted to her,” a source claimed.
Wait, so she was more fun in bed before she got married, but then made sex routine and monotonous? Well this is the first I’ve ever heard of a girl like that. What did he want that she was too good for anyway?
“He likes dirty things. He really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair. He’s attracted to things he can’t imagine happening to him. (And) he has a closet full of sex toys.”
Ok well obviously I didn’t know about the wheelchair thing. Maybe she has a point. Because if you’re a hot girl with big tits, and you can move in the direction that your hair is pulled and open your mouth on command, the sex is gonna be fine. I should write that on my eharmony profile somewhere. I don’t have time for a bunch of games.