Russell Brand Honored As Idiot

By Matt December 04, 2014 @ 7:21 AM

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Russell Brand received an award for saying unnecessarily stupid shit from the Plain English Campaign, a British organization which advocates the use of normal language over complex jargon which often means nothing and confuses the dumb. Each year the association designates a Foot In Mouth Award winner because they are spectacularly cheeky. Brand’s knack for brain damaged yet pretentious verse cast him as a clear favorite. They singled out a few of his rants as prime examples of his false sense of intelligence such as this one from his book Revolution:

“This attitude of churlish indifference seems like nerdish deference contrasted with the belligerent antipathy of the indigenous farm folk, who regard the hippie-dippie interlopers, the denizens of the shimmering tit temples, as one fey step away from transvestites.”

Big words aren’t the problem. They actually sound intriguing when uttered by most British people who haven’t riddled their brains with heroin.. The Brits are supposed to have a lofty vocabulary. That and ruddy women with naturally plump bosoms are all they have left. We have ice in America. And orthodontics. We can afford to speak plainly, as in, Russell Brand, take your memories of jack rabbiting Katy Perry and get the fuck out. 

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Russell Brand Wrestles With Truth

By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 6:02 AM

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Russell Brand addressed the casual speculation and educated guesses that he simply has to be gay. Brand broke up with his girlfriend and took the opportunity to expound on his sexuality. It’s not that anyone gives a fuck but sometimes you want to hear someone say it so you can go “Yep” and move on. Like I Love You or Harder. Due to his appearance, behavior, and speaking voice, Brand has chip on his shoulder regarding the topic. Its like Kareem Abdul Jabbar discussing basketball:

“I wish I was bisexual. That’s one of the things about me where I’ve got a very traditional moral code. I’m tedious with my heterosexuality.”

That isn’t how a straight dude responds to that question. Slightly later Brand altered his tone, coming close to self actualization before removing his toe from the pond:

“I wanked off a man in a toilet… I thought, ‘I think of myself as heterosexual but perhaps that’s cause of the environment that I grew up in where homosexuality may have been difficult for me to express.”

Maybe a few more perms and some new jewelry and you’ll get there, buddy. In the meantime it may not be productive to rattle the one fat woman in Iowa who assumes you’re straight with talk of jerking off dudes in bathrooms. She’s buying tickets because she think she’s still got a shot.

Photo Credit: Twitter

If Russell Brand Is Mayor, What’s the City?

By Matt October 27, 2014 @ 7:36 AM

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Russell Brand is reportedly mulling over a run for mayor of London. It’s unclear if he will be widely considered intelligent in a land where everyone else has the same ridiculous accent that makes them seem smart for precisely one sentence. Brand is essentially that cousin who comes to Thanksgiving after his first semester of college and wants to lecture you on the Federal Reserve. You’re thinking isn’t this the same guy who pissed in the fireplace while you stare at his mouth moving as his forehead sweats. Suddenly this shit for brains knows everything. His opinions will morph with each succeeding 102 class or something he hears on Stern and passes off as his own formed thought. I support Brand’s run for mayor. I don’t know if he would be good or not, but nobody here gives a shit about what happens in London, and it’s a full time job. That means less Brand over here. Vote Brand for Mayor.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Katty Perry Didn’t Want To Have Russell Brand’s Womb Ferrets (VIDEO)

By Jack December 10, 2013 @ 3:37 PM

Katy Perry finally revealed the true reason why she and human hard-on Russell Brand split up: he wanted to fill her with a baby. It seems that the prancing Limey really wants to be a father. Katy just wasn’t ready to have kids because there are too many insipid repetitive songs left to be sung from her heart. She also says it was a way for Brand to “control” her,

“[Brand] really wanted me to have children, and I knew I wasn’t ready — I think it was a way of control. I think it was part of, If I have a kid, then I would have to sacrifice — I’d have to be home more.”

I for one applaud her decision. Not because of some feminist reason of her owning her reproductive destiny, but because I don’t want those two to make offspring. That would be fucking horrible. It would be just a mop of hair and tits with a chalkboard scratching voice listening to Katy’s parents read a bed time story about how the Jews are ruining the world. We couldn’t allow that child to reach adulthood and I for one am getting too old to keep sneaking into homes and stealing devil babies.

Russell Brand Kicked Out Of Awards Show

By Jack September 06, 2013 @ 1:41 PM

The former Mr. Katy Perry, Russell Brand, was kicked out of the GQ Men of the Year Awards for gettin all political.I didn’t even know GQ had awards. I thought they just printed ads with homosexual models wearing overpriced clothes. Instead of just thanking his fans and GQ like an adult, he decided to do the annoying celeb thing and talk politics. Since he also insulted GQ, he was promptly kicked out.

“Glad to grace the stage where Boris Johnson had just made light of the use of chemical weapons in Syria. Meaning that GQ could now stand for Genocide quips. I mention that only to make this next comment a bit lighter because if any of you know a little about history, and fashion, you know it was Hugo Boss who made uniforms for the Nazis.”

What’s happening in Syria is fucking horrible and Assad and probably 10,000 other idiots deserve a bazooka to the face, but is it really Russell Brand’s job to tell us about it. Was the world waiting on input from the guy who was funny once in Forgetting Sarah Marshall ? Why do famous people think we give two shits what they think of political situation? They’re violating the basic celebrity social contract. For relatively minimal work, you get lots of money and hot girls and good drugs. We get your silence outside of work.

Islamists Declare A Jihad On Russell Brand

By Jack June 21, 2013 @ 1:15 PM

Russell Brand had to cancel his tour dates in the Middle East over concerns for his safety. You might remember Brand from such films as Forgetting Sarah Marshall or as the dude who used to fuck Katy Perry. Russell was planning on playing in Abu Dhabi and Lebanon on his Messiah Complex tour as a show of love and inclusiveness. While it’s real nice and all that he wanted to bring a little laughter to that part of the world, should he really be surprised that a Western comedian known for his sexual escapades with a show called Messiah Complex would not go over well in fucking Beirut?

Abu Dhabi is a popular tourist destination and plenty of Western artists perform there. It’s like Vegas with less whores or fat people from Nebraska on Segways. Brand can’t possibly be the most offensive act scheduled to play at one of their hotels. You’d think they would be more upset about some female singer that showed her ankles or Zionist overlord Neil Diamond. They’re probably just big Katy Perry fans and they don’t like how he treated her. The only album they have in their terror cell is a bootleg tape of Teenage Dream. (I was going to say Dynamite, but, you know.)