Sharon Osbourne Throws Her Soup on Jonah Hill’s Relatively Fatter Brother

By Lex January 27, 2014 @ 5:41 PM

According to ace on the scene reporter, Cyndi Lauper, Sharon Osborune didn’t take kindly to music manager Jordan Feldstein taking a dig at her son Jack during the Clive Davis pre-Grammy gala at the Beverly Hilton. Nobody was close enough to hear the precise put down, but it’s Jack Osbourne, so there’s a decent amount of material there. You may recall that Jordan Feldstein briefly married Clint Eastwood’s daughter in Vegas last Fall before she sobered up and realized how fat and sweaty Jordan was and that she already had family money.

“I love Sharon, but after last night I kind of love her more. Sharon dumped some stuff on him (Jordan Feldstein) like a plate of food and some water to wake him up and said, ‘Don’t fuck with my family.” — Cyndi Lauper, eyes on the ground.

First of all, who doesn’t admire the hell out of Sharon Osbourne. When you think about all that wonderful shit she does that doesn’t come to mind at all. So she lied about having her vagina replastered. A pittance compared to so many benevolent acts like stuff I can’t think of or find on Google. I’m with Cyndi. Don’t let some fat fuck rip on your largely unemployed adult son. Though I would note that in the wild even rather fiercely protective moms do let their weaker offspring trail far enough behind to no longer be a bother.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Sharon Osbourne’s Vagina Story Turns Out to be a Fish Tale

By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 4:03 PM

This is precisely why they effort to settle horrific sexual assault cases before they go to trial. Nobody wants the victim to have to sit in a courtroom across from her attacker. I feel the same way about Sharon Osbourne’s gaping labial maw. She made a furor over her scratchy snatch a couple weeks back when she announced on British television that she’d had her wizard sleeves shape shifted back to their original virginal dimensions. She even made a detailed point about how excruciating the vag-hatchet job was to undergo. Now she’s telling Howard Stern it was all just a joke. Her reproductive junk remains dangling from her frame like an everted starfish stomach digesting fish chum on the ocean bottom. Howard didn’t believe her snatch retraction retraction, so Sharon swore on the lives the children she fucked up that her vagina remained untouched since the last time Ozzy went stumbling for a sandwich in the middle of the night. Everyone agreed that she was telling the truth and that nobody who’d heard the full story would be able to eat a solid meal for at least a week. Probably longer for a cheesesteak.

Sharon Osbourne Shores Up Her Cooter

By Lex December 02, 2013 @ 9:08 PM

Proving that no Sharon Osbourne vagina story is a good Sharon Osbourne vagina story, the cackling talk show maven managed to burp out on British TV that he’s had some work done tightening up her lady cave.  Civil engineers used pretty much the same process employed to shore up the New Orleans levees to make Sharon’s snatch feel less like a bowl of decomposing pudding and more like the vice gripping kegel beast that kept Ozzy coming back even when he could barely remember his own name. Sharon called the process excruciating. The physician who had to laser back her undulating meat curtains agreed.

Sharon Osbourne Shit All Over Kanye And Bieber

By Travis July 30, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Co-host of The Talk, judge for the U.K.’s X Factor and all-around honest, old bitch Sharon Osbourne recently did an interview with The Daily Beast, and in between ripping Anthony Weiner and praising Mariah Carey, Ozzy’s wife took a few moments to spit hot fire at Kanye West and Justin Bieber for basically being massive douchebags.

Of Kanye, she said, “… he’s an average-looking man with an average talent, but he’s a great salesman” and stated the more-than-obvious that he’s his own No. 1 fan. As for Justin, she claims that she feels bad for him as he tries so hard to be a tough bad boy, calling him “mean as a fuckin’ kitten” while reminding everyone that very few teen stars make the transition to adult very well.

Of course, Sharon wasn’t asked for her opinion of herself, because if she ever answers that question, she’d have to return to hell to once again serve as one of Satan’s hemorrhoids.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

These Two Old Broads Need Each Other

By Lex April 16, 2013 @ 6:12 PM

Ozzy and Sharon are the two slow kids who innately know to expose their junk to one another on the first day of kindergarten. Nature encourages the similar to seek each other out. But now reports have these two haggard lesbians on the skids after twenty plus years of marriage. Not divorce, but Splitsville. Separate mansions. Assistants not talking to each other. The whole rich person separation spectacular. I don’t believe that love conquers all, but I do believe that nobody else on this planet could put up with either one of these two screeching hens. Figure it out, ladies.

Good News, Ladies: Ozzy Osbourne Might Be Single

By Travis April 16, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

After 31-years of marriage, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have presumably split up, as the matriarch has moved into the Beverly Hills Hotel, according to TMZ. Ozzy, on the other hand, is renting a house close to her hotel, which means that their house is ripe for the picking.

Apparently, though, this has nothing to do with the strength of their relationship, as Ozzy says he’s just trying to get clean and stop pissing everyone off.

For the last year and a half I have been drinking and taking drugs. I was in a very dark place and was an asshole to the people I love most, my family. However, I am happy to say that I am now 44 days sober.

Just to set the record straight, Sharon and I are not divorcing. I’m just trying to be a better person. (Facebook)

Well, that must be disappointing for all of the young, single women of Los Angeles, who had been on the edges of their seats, waiting for this couple to split. A 64-year old addict with three children and little-to-no ability to perform basic daily functions doesn’t exactly grow on trees. Oh well, there’s always hope that Phil Spector could get parole.

(Photo Credit: Getty)