Tom Cruise Isn’t Checking In With Suri Very Often

September 19, 2017 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

A new report in InTouch Weekly claims Tom Cruise hasn’t seen his daughter Suri in the past four years. Or about since that time he sued the shit out of  Life and Style magazine for claiming he had abandoned his daughter post-divorce.

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Tom Cruise Persona Non Grata

July 21, 2015 | Uncategorized | matt-ralston| 0 Comments

Persistent rumors indicate Tom Cruise is thinking about leaving the Church of Scientology, at which point we can stop discussing whether or not he is gay because they will purchase a two hour block of prime time to air his bathhouse fuck tapes. Cruise’s nine year old daughter Suri is not being raised in the church possibly […]

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Tom Cruise Is Missing And Shit Around The Web

April 7, 2015 | crap around the web | editor| 0 Comments

Reports coming out of dead-eyed Katie Holmes’ camp claim that demented dwarf Tom Cruise hasn’t seen his daughter Suri in over a year. Since he owns his own plane, a couple helicopters, and four rickshaw boys from the Canton province, it seems unlikely he’s been unable to find transportation. Read all about Risky Business’ shitty […]

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Remember When We All Got Together to Not Photograph Kids?

June 24, 2014 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

I have pretty much every Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell high minded missive tattooed on my sleeve of awesome celebrity insights. I remember at the beginning of this year when the two headed vegan Bell-Shepard hydra bitch announced a boycott of all magazines that show pictures of celebrity kids. Jennifer Garner and Halle Berry and […]

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Suri Cruise Needs a Spanking

April 5, 2014 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

I like to think of myself as a parent to all the world’s children. Kind of like Willy Wonka or Hillary Clinton or a very ambitious androgynous authoritarian, so either of those two previously mentioned. I understand that Tom isn’t around to do this kind of thing. Plus his cleansing supervisor has advised him that […]

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Suri Cruise Has a Twitchy Middle Finger

December 7, 2013 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

The last time Suri Cruise flipped the bird to photographers, her suck ups in the media were quick to call it a mistaken hair twisting hand gesture. This time, what? She’s hailing a cab? Working her way into a raised fist for Mandela? No, that’s definitely a big bird flip off from the seven year […]

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Suri Cruise Bugs the Shit Out of Her Mom at Work

August 26, 2013 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Suri Cruise melted down on the set of the film Miss Meadows where Katie Holmes was shooting a wedding scene. Suri may just be seven, but she knows that every time her mom marries, another spawn of Xenu’s Intergalactic War Dragons is born. To prove her point, Suri welled up tears made of a corrosive […]

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Paparazzi Calls Suri a ‘Brat’ and a ‘Bitch’ (VIDEO)

July 13, 2013 | video | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player Yeah, it seems all but certain that by no real fault of her own Suri Cruise is destined to grow up to be one of history’s most insufferable privileged women. Still, you don’t start calling a girl a bitch at six. Especially when your job is to stalk children. Did […]

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Suri Cruise Plays At The Beach With Her Pretend Family

July 9, 2013 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Little Suri Cruise spent the holiday weekend at the beach with the actors hired to portray her loving family. Suri is none the wiser to the fact that paid employees of her famous Scientology father and desperately asexual mother call themselves aunts and cousins and surround her with fake love in her esteem building bubble. […]

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do Suris legs not work or something

July 19, 2012 | celebrity | editor| 0 Comments

Yesterday Tom Cruise picked up his daughter Suri for his first visitation, and he hasn’t put her down since. They went to Tom’s hotel, then left the hotel to get in a car, which took them to her gymnastics class, and today they got on a helicopter, and Cruise carried her the entire time. She’s […]

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