Tom Cruise Persona Non Grata

Persistent rumors indicate Tom Cruise is thinking about leaving the Church of Scientology, at which point we canstop discussing whether or not he is gay because they will purchase a two hour block of prime time to air his bathhouse fucktapes. Cruise's nine year old... read more

Tom Cruise Is Missing And Shit Around The Web

Reports coming out of dead-eyed Katie Holmes' camp claim that demented dwarf Tom Cruise hasn't seen his daughter Suri in over a year. Since he owns his own plane, a couple helicopters, and four rickshaw boys from the Canton province, it seems unlikely he's been unable to... read more

Remember When We All Got Together to Not Photograph Kids?

I have pretty much every Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell high minded missive tattooed on my sleeve of awesome celebrity insights. I remember at the beginning of this year when the two headed vegan Bell-Shepard hydra bitch announced a boycott of all magazines that show... read more

Suri Cruise Needs a Spanking

I like to think of myself as a parent to all the world's children. Kind of like Willy Wonka or Hillary Clinton or a very ambitious androgynous authoritarian, so either of those two previously mentioned. I understand that Tom isn't around to do this kind of thing. Plus... read more

Suri Cruise Has a Twitchy Middle Finger

The last time Suri Cruise flipped the bird to photographers, her suck ups in the media were quick to call it a mistaken hair twisting hand gesture. This time, what? She's hailing a cab? Working her way into a raised fist for Mandela? No, that's definitely a big bird flip... read more

Suri Cruise Bugs the Shit Out of Her Mom at Work

Suri Cruise melted down on the set of the film Miss Meadows where Katie Holmes was shooting a wedding scene. Suri may just be seven, but she knows that every time her mom marries, another spawn of Xenu's Intergalactic War Dragons is born. To prove her point, Suri welled... read more

Paparazzi Calls Suri a 'Brat' and a 'Bitch' (VIDEO)

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player Yeah, it seems all but certain that by no real fault of her own Suri Cruise is destined to grow up to be one of history's most insufferable privileged women. Still, you don't start calling a girl a bitch at six.... read more

Suri Cruise Plays At The Beach With Her Pretend Family

Little Suri Cruise spent the holiday weekend at the beach with the actors hired to portray her loving family. Suri is none the wiser to the fact that paid employees of her famous Scientology father and desperately asexual mother call themselves aunts and cousins and... read more

do Suris legs not work or something

Yesterday Tom Cruise picked up his daughter Suri for his first visitation, and he hasn't put her down since. They went to Tom's hotel, then left the hotel to get in a car, which took them to her gymnastics class, and today they got on a helicopter, and Cruise carried her... read more

Tom Cruise got to visit Suri today

Tom Cruise was allowed to visit his daughter Suri in New York today for the first time since Katie Holmes filed for divorce, the Daily Mail says. Because, remember, he's the bad parent. His religion takes millions of dollars from it's members and believes in an all... read more

Suri was hit by a garbage truck

Wait, what? Why was Suri Cruise in the garbage to begin with? Why did Katie Holmes throw her away? Is she Chinese? Let's find out together friends! E! News has confirmed that the duo's vehicle was dinged by a garbage truck in midtown Manhattan. At around 9:30 p.m. a... read more

try and guess if Suri got this puppy

No. She didn't. Katie Holmes took Suri to a pet store in New York, and they looked at puppies, a "morkie" and a French bulldog, but then they didn't get one, and Suri cried. A lot. The photo agency described her as "inconsolable". And then an hour after that, this... read more