Tom Cruise Persona Non Grata

Persistent rumors indicate Tom Cruise is thinking about leaving the Church of Scientology, at which point we canstop discussing whether or not he is gay because they will purchase a two hour block of prime time to air his bathhouse fucktapes. Cruise's nine year old daughter Suri is not being raised in the church possibly because Katie Holmes spurned them after shecashed the check for answering their mailorder bride...

read more
Tom Cruise Is Missing And Shit Around The Web

Reports coming out of dead-eyed Katie Holmes' camp claim that demented dwarf Tom Cruise hasn't seen his daughter Suri in over a year. Since he owns his own plane, a couple helicopters, and four rickshaw boys from the Canton province, it seems unlikely he's been unable to find transportation. Read all about Risky Business' shitty parenting. (TMZ) Martha Hunt is topless in a building just for you. (Egotastic) Gigi Hadid...read more

Remember When We All Got Together to Not Photograph Kids?

I have pretty much every Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell high minded missive tattooed on my sleeve of awesome celebrity insights. I remember at the beginning of this year when the two headed vegan Bell-Shepard hydra bitch announced a boycott of all magazines that show pictures of celebrity kids. Jennifer Garner and Halle Berry and I think that woman who became a man but still had a baby on Oprah joined the protest,...

read more
Suri Cruise Needs a Spanking

I like to think of myself as a parent to all the world's children. Kind of like Willy Wonka or Hillary Clinton or a very ambitious androgynous authoritarian, so either of those two previously mentioned. I understand that Tom isn't around to do this kind of thing. Plus his cleansing supervisor has advised him that any sort of heated physical altercation could snap him right back to cock. Katie's too guilt ridden to...

read more
Suri Cruise Has a Twitchy Middle Finger

The last time Suri Cruise flipped the bird to photographers, her suck ups in the media were quick to call it a mistaken hair twisting hand gesture. This time, what? She's hailing a cab? Working her way into a raised fist for Mandela? No, that's definitely a big bird flip off from the seven year old. I've committed to never calling Suri Cruise a little bitch like paparazzi members have in the past because I think it's...

read more
Suri Cruise Bugs the Shit Out of Her Mom at Work

Suri Cruise melted down on the set of the film Miss Meadows where Katie Holmes was shooting a wedding scene. Suri may just be seven, but she knows that every time her mom marries, another spawn of Xenu's Intergalactic War Dragons is born. To prove her point, Suri welled up tears made of a corrosive acid and shot fire balls out of her mouth, leveling the entire set. Though it was on location in Cleveland, so nobody...

read more
Paparazzi Calls Suri a 'Brat' and a 'Bitch' (VIDEO)

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player Yeah, it seems all but certain that by no real fault of her own Suri Cruise is destined to grow up to be one of history's most insufferable privileged women. Still, you don't start calling a girl a bitch at six. Especially when your job is to stalk children. Did you not learn anything from Brandi Glanville's talking tampon string about judging others? Grow up,...

read more
Suri Cruise Plays At The Beach With Her Pretend Family

Little Suri Cruise spent the holiday weekend at the beach with the actors hired to portray her loving family. Suri is none the wiser to the fact that paid employees of her famous Scientology father and desperately asexual mother call themselves aunts and cousins and surround her with fake love in her esteem building bubble. At some later age, Suri will become wise to her Truman Show and likely slaughter many of them...

read more
do Suris legs not work or something

Yesterday Tom Cruise picked up his daughter Suri for his first visitation, and he hasn't put her down since. They went to Tom's hotel, then left the hotel to get in a car, which took them to her gymnastics class, and today they got on a helicopter, and Cruise carried her the entire time. She's 6. Seems a little old to be carried everywhere. Tom should tell her to stop being such a needy little princess, just like my...

read more
Tom Cruise got to visit Suri today

Tom Cruise was allowed to visit his daughter Suri in New York today for the first time since Katie Holmes filed for divorce, the Daily Mail says. Because, remember, he's the bad parent. His religion takes millions of dollars from it's members and believes in an all powerful being who came to earth a long time ago, whereas Katie Holmes is a Catholic.

read more
Suri was hit by a garbage truck

Wait, what? Why was Suri Cruise in the garbage to begin with? Why did Katie Holmes throw her away? Is she Chinese? Let's find out together friends! E! News has confirmed that the duo's vehicle was dinged by a garbage truck in midtown Manhattan. At around 9:30 p.m. a black Mercedes driven by Holmes' chauffeur got into a fender-bender with a private sanitation truck. No injuries were reported … Holmes and Suri were...

read more
try and guess if Suri got this puppy

No. She didn't. Katie Holmes took Suri to a pet store in New York, and they looked at puppies, a "morkie" and a French bulldog, but then they didn't get one, and Suri cried. A lot. The photo agency described her as "inconsolable". And then an hour after that, this mysterious brochure was slid under Suri's door titled, "Scientology. We have like a million puppies!" (image source = splash) [gallery...

read more
whats the latest with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

I hope that headline didn't imply that I know all the latest developments in the divorce between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Oh my God this stupid thing is so confusing, and there's like a billion stories on it every day! CRUISE WILL FILE RIVAL DIVORCE PAPERS - probably in California, and may ask for full custody of Suri. Did you know you're not allowed to bluff when asking for full custody, and you actually have to...

read more
Damn you Katie Holmes

Katie Holmes and Suri were at the pool this weekend, but not the pool at their house. It was their hotels pool in Miami. So it's not one of those times when the paparazzi are a million miles away and the pictures are all blurry. But after seeing Katies belly button, what a treat it would have been if it were. (image source = inf) [gallery id="7694"]

read more
Yes. Katie Holmes too.

Katie Holmes was also in a bikini this weekend, spending yesterday on Miami Beach with her daughter Suri, and if I could go back in time I'd go back to this morning and warn me that Katies stomach looked like this now, no doubt because she had that stupid kid, and not to open the pictures. So if science could get off their ass and invent a time machine, that would be great. FUN FACT: the bag Katie is using with the...

read more