Suri Cruise Needs a Spanking

By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 6:18 PM

Suri Cruise Hides From Cameras With Katie Holmes On The Set Of 'Dangerous Liaisons' In New York
I like to think of myself as a parent to all the world’s children. Kind of like Willy Wonka or Hillary Clinton or a very ambitious androgynous authoritarian, so either of those two previously mentioned. I understand that Tom isn’t around to do this kind of thing. Plus his cleansing supervisor has advised him that any sort of heated physical altercation could snap him right back to cock. Katie’s too guilt ridden to provide the proper stick to her offspring. Way too fucking much carrot. I’d help out. I’m gentle and giving with the left hand, but I serve cold justice with the right. That’s mainly due to the tendonitis in the left. I want the giving part to be painful to remind myself of the true cost of generosity. I hesitate to think of the consequences of Suri reaching adulthood without any sense of consequence. In the very least, the Jews and the Mexicans will likely be disintegrated when her death star is fully operational. I’ll mop up all the half-boiled hemoglobin with your angry letters about how spanking is abuse.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com

Suri Cruise Has a Twitchy Middle Finger

By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 6:56 PM

The last time Suri Cruise flipped the bird to photographers, her suck ups in the media were quick to call it a mistaken hair twisting hand gesture. This time, what? She’s hailing a cab? Working her way into a raised fist for Mandela? No, that’s definitely a big bird flip off from the seven year old. I’ve committed to never calling Suri Cruise a little bitch like paparazzi members have in the past because I think it’s unfair to label any kid a twit when their parents have fucked them up so very well. But someday that little bitch is going to flip it toward a cop or a Gambino crime family member and suffer a beating worse than the time she told her dad she didn’t believe large doses of niacin and rubber suit jogging had cured him of his gay.

Photo credit: Pacific Coast News

Suri Cruise Bugs the Shit Out of Her Mom at Work

By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 1:06 PM

Suri Cruise Has A Meltdown And Tugs Katie Holmes' Skirt On The Set Of 'Miss Meadows' In Ohio
Suri Cruise melted down on the set of the film Miss Meadows where Katie Holmes was shooting a wedding scene. Suri may just be seven, but she knows that every time her mom marries, another spawn of Xenu’s Intergalactic War Dragons is born. To prove her point, Suri welled up tears made of a corrosive acid and shot fire balls out of her mouth, leveling the entire set. Though it was on location in Cleveland, so nobody really noticed.

Photo Credit: PCN

Paparazzi Calls Suri a ‘Brat’ and a ‘Bitch’ (VIDEO)

By Lex July 12, 2013 @ 3:20 PM

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player

Yeah, it seems all but certain that by no real fault of her own Suri Cruise is destined to grow up to be one of history’s most insufferable privileged women. Still, you don’t start calling a girl a bitch at six. Especially when your job is to stalk children. Did you not learn anything from Brandi Glanville’s talking tampon string about judging others? Grow up, paparazzi.

Suri Cruise Plays At The Beach With Her Pretend Family

By Lex July 08, 2013 @ 2:47 PM

Suri Cruise Plays On The Beach With Her Family At Westhampton Beach
Little Suri Cruise spent the holiday weekend at the beach with the actors hired to portray her loving family. Suri is none the wiser to the fact that paid employees of her famous Scientology father and desperately asexual mother call themselves aunts and cousins and surround her with fake love in her esteem building bubble. At some later age, Suri will become wise to her Truman Show and likely slaughter many of them in their sleep. But, her ‘family’ were all pre-screened as loners and orphans, so nobody will come asking questions when they go missing.

Photo Credit: PCN

do Suris legs not work or something

By brendon July 18, 2012 @ 2:07 PM

071812_50836568
Yesterday Tom Cruise picked up his daughter Suri for his first visitation, and he hasn’t put her down since. They went to Tom’s hotel, then left the hotel to get in a car, which took them to her gymnastics class, and today they got on a helicopter, and Cruise carried her the entire time.

She’s 6. Seems a little old to be carried everywhere. Tom should tell her to stop being such a needy little princess, just like my dad told me when I wanted to see a doctor about my broken arm.

(image source = fame/flynet)