do Suris legs not work or something

By brendon July 18, 2012 @ 2:07 PM

Yesterday Tom Cruise picked up his daughter Suri for his first visitation, and he hasn’t put her down since. They went to Tom’s hotel, then left the hotel to get in a car, which took them to her gymnastics class, and today they got on a helicopter, and Cruise carried her the entire time.

She’s 6. Seems a little old to be carried everywhere. Tom should tell her to stop being such a needy little princess, just like my dad told me when I wanted to see a doctor about my broken arm.

(image source = fame/flynet)

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Tags: katie holmes, suri cruise, tom cruise |

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Tom Cruise got to visit Suri today

By brendon July 17, 2012 @ 7:02 PM

Tom Cruise was allowed to visit his daughter Suri in New York today for the first time since Katie Holmes filed for divorce, the Daily Mail says. Because, remember, he’s the bad parent. His religion takes millions of dollars from it’s members and believes in an all powerful being who came to earth a long time ago, whereas Katie Holmes is a Catholic.

Tags: katie holmes, suri cruise, tom cruise |

43 Comments

Suri was hit by a garbage truck

By brendon July 17, 2012 @ 1:03 PM

Wait, what? Why was Suri Cruise in the garbage to begin with? Why did Katie Holmes throw her away? Is she Chinese? Let’s find out together friends!

E! News has confirmed that the duo’s vehicle was dinged by a garbage truck in midtown Manhattan.
At around 9:30 p.m. a black Mercedes driven by Holmes’ chauffeur got into a fender-bender with a private sanitation truck.
No injuries were reported … Holmes and Suri were reportedly on their way back from gymnastics class.

You can see Holmes creepily peering around here, and the damage to the car here. That’s the side where Suri was sitting so it’s lucky that there were no injurious. “Luck had nothing to do with it,” the truck driver hissed as he shape shifted back into the form of Scientology leader David Miscavige. “This was only a hint of my power!”

(image source = bauer griffin)

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Tags: katie holmes, suri cruise |

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try and guess if Suri got this puppy

By brendon July 16, 2012 @ 5:53 PM

No. She didn’t. Katie Holmes took Suri to a pet store in New York, and they looked at puppies, a “morkie” and a French bulldog, but then they didn’t get one, and Suri cried. A lot. The photo agency described her as “inconsolable”.

And then an hour after that, this mysterious brochure was slid under Suri’s door titled, “Scientology. We have like a million puppies!”

(image source = splash)

10 photos in gallery >

Tags: katie holmes, suri cruise, tom cruise |

28 Comments

whats the latest with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

By brendon July 05, 2012 @ 3:58 PM

I hope that headline didn’t imply that I know all the latest developments in the divorce between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Oh my God this stupid thing is so confusing, and there’s like a billion stories on it every day!

CRUISE WILL FILE RIVAL DIVORCE PAPERS – probably in California, and may ask for full custody of Suri. Did you know you’re not allowed to bluff when asking for full custody, and you actually have to keep the kid? Holy shit did I learn that the hard way. (bbc)

HOLMES WILL BE IN FAMILY COURT – on July 17 in New York City at an order to show cause hearing. Which has something to do with custody and child support. Like all legal talk, the explanation just looks like they typed random words in no particular order. (e!)

THE NIECE OF DAVID MISCAVIGE – who is the leader of Scientology and the guy who set Cruise up with Holmes, says Katie is right to be scared of what Scientology will do to Suri. “My experience in growing up in Scientology is that it is both mentally and at times physically abusive.” Also there’s very little Science going on, despite what the name may lead you to believe. (nydn)

THE DIVORCE IS NOT ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY – according to someone close to Cruise. And it must be true because why would he lie? (tmz)

KATIE TOOK SURI TO THE CHILDRENS MUSEUM OF THE ARTS – in New York today, and she was crying a little. Is that because of the divorce? Is it because I was just off camera in a werewolf mask, pointing at her and then stabbing at the air with a knife? Both? (image source = splash)

11 photos in gallery >

Tags: divorce, katie holmes, suri cruise, tom cruise |

29 Comments

Damn you Katie Holmes

By brendon July 05, 2011 @ 11:34 AM

Katie Holmes and Suri were at the pool this weekend, but not the pool at their house. It was their hotels pool in Miami. So it’s not one of those times when the paparazzi are a million miles away and the pictures are all blurry. But after seeing Katies belly button, what a treat it would have been if it were.

(image source = inf)