Tom Cruise Likes to Abandon Things

By Lex December 23, 2013 @ 5:45 PM

Tom Cruise had been suing Life & Style magazine for $50 million for claiming he abandoned Suri after his divorce from Katie Holmes. The magazine had based their accusation on the fact that Tom disappeared for some number of months after the divorce, while Tom claimed that reality wasn’t all it seemed and who are we humans anyhow to claim to know the truth. Also, keeping his secrets locked in a shame closet take a lot out of him and sometimes he needs an extended Turkish sauna adventure vacation to center himself. Without prejudice for his completely unwinnable case, Tom Cruise quietly dropped his lawsuit last week and told the magazine he’d see them again when they published pictures of him doing kegels with his unusually handsome male trainer.

 Photo credit: Getty Images

Tom Cruise Sues the Shit Out of a Magazine

By Lex November 08, 2013 @ 6:17 PM


Some ladies gossip magazine wrote that Tom Cruise ‘abandoned’ his daughter Suri after Katie Holmes renounced Tom and Xenu in one fell swoop. So, Tom Cruise sued them for $50 million for defamation and libel and slander and everything else that means ‘you hurt my feelings, now give me money’. But in the very first round of depositions, Tom admitted that he didn’t see Suri for 110 days straight after the divorce. Tom also went on to say such priceless shit as his film location shoots were more difficult than Afghanistan tours of military duty and more taxing than being an Olympic sprinter, but that’s just because he’s crazy with the gay. The 110 days thing could be a problem. I don’t know where you come from, but all the divorced kids in my neighborhood expected to see dad at least once a week, or a couple weekends a month. You know, unless they were really overseas fighting in wars alongside Ethan Hunt.

Photo Credit: Getty

Connor Cruise Seems Grounded

By Travis August 30, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

While Tom Cruise was married to Nicole Kidman, they adopted two children (possibly because he found it difficult to get her pregnant through having sex with men), and one of those kids was a boy named Connor Cruise. Now 18, Connor is doing amazing things with his father’s famous name, and by amazing I mean that he’s a professional DJ flying around the world in a private jet.

Hey, I don’t blame the guy for taking advantage of having incredibly wealthy parents, pretending that being a DJ is a career and then bragging about his private jet on Twitter, but at least have some models with huge tits hanging around. You’ve got a lot to learn, Connor.

Ex-Scientologists Protested At Tom Cruise’s Oblivion Premiere

By Travis April 04, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Last year, while he was filming his new sci-fi movie Oblivion, Tom Cruise was in the middle of his divorce from Katie Holmes. But he needed people to remember that no matter what happened with this, his third divorce, he was still a walking, talking boner machine that loved having sex with hot women. And in this case, it was his co-star Olga Kurylenko.

Of course, even though Olga was dating someone else, she was still linked to Tom, because that’s just how it works when you spend your days with someone who slays as much pussy as he does. So they must have had a good laugh about that when they were together in Ireland last night for the premiere of Oblivion.

They probably also laughed when ex-Scientologist Samantha Domingo showed up to protest in a t-shirt that read, “Scientology Church of Forced Abortions”, referring to her accusations that the church once forced her to get an abortion. “You’re still hung up on that,” Cruise would chuckle before ordering a team of naked men to use their glittery genitals to deflect her evil energy. At least that’s how I assume it went down.

(Photo Credits: WENN.com)

Wednesday Morning Headlines

By brendon January 16, 2013 @ 1:34 PM

arnolds_reddit_alien

VICTOR GARBER – of ‘Argo’, ‘Titanic’, ‘Alias’, etc., has come out and said he’s gay. And good for him. No one should ever hide or be ashamed of the person they date, unless that person is from Alabama. (greg in hollywood)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER – whose movie ‘the Last Stand’ is getting surprisingly good reviews, did an AMA (Ask Me Anything) on reddit last night, later saying this was his favorite part, and even did a sketch of the reddit alien (above). He was amazing; a charismatic Austrian who likes to draw, experimented with physical perfection, acquired global power, and ran a government. I’d follow a guy like that anywhere! (reddit)

TOM CRUISE – probably won’t get a sequel to ‘Jack Reacher’ because, even though it’s completely fucking awesome, it will likely fall short of the $250M needed to warrant a sequel (it’s made $165M so far). So they’ll just have to use the extra-short camera mounts that point up in a different movie where Tom Cruise beats up people. (hollywood reporter)

ARCHER – returns to FX on January 17th, so until then here’s Archer, Pam and Cheryl/Carol answering the question, “What’s your idea of a perfect day?” If your answer to that would be “watch videos in little boxes”, I’ve got good news. (av club)

Tom Cruises ‘Oblivion’ has its first trailer

By brendon December 10, 2012 @ 4:24 PM

‘Oblivion’ is set on earth 60 years after a cataclysmic attack, and if we had Wall-E technology it was destroyed because now Tom Cruise has to do that job. He and some girl are all that’s left, and she warns Tom Cruise not to take any chances. He immediately takes some dangerous chances, and some wolf thing tricks him and handcuffs him to a chair. Ahh, or was it Morgan Freeman, who I guess just sat in the dark waiting for Cruise to wake up so he could dramatically light his cigar?

NOTE: it was more than likely Freeman and all those people who weren’t supposed to be there.