Tom Cruise Is Missing And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 07, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Reports coming out of dead-eyed Katie Holmes’ camp claim that demented dwarf Tom Cruise hasn’t seen his daughter Suri in over a year. Since he owns his own plane, a couple helicopters, and four rickshaw boys from the Canton province, it seems unlikely he’s been unable to find transportation.

Read all about Risky Business’ shitty parenting. (TMZ)

Martha Hunt is topless in a building just for you. (Egotastic)

Gigi Hadid flashes her panties. (Drunken Stepfather)

Stephanie Pratt is covered topless and it’s amazing. (Hollywood Tuna)

Kendall Jenner’s booty peeks out of her short short dress. (Popoholic)

Hot chicks with lots of tattoos. That is all. (The Chive)

Amber Rose dyes her hair blue, is still a filthy whore. (Huffington Post)

Scientologists Really Really Angry

By Matt January 27, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

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A new documentary called Going Clear is being roundly applauded at the Sundance Film Festival which likely means it’s cloying and unwatchable. It spills a bunch of beans about Scientology like how they abuse children and subvert labor laws and hypothesizes Nicole Kidman left Tom Cruise because he was way too into the Church although it doesn’t mention his love of the cock. The Church of Scientology is super pissed at film director Alex Gibney and HBO for agreeing to air the movie:

“The Church has documented evidence that those featured in Gibney’s film regurgitating their stale, discredited allegations are admitted perjurers, admitted liars and professional anti-Scientologists whose living depends on the filing of false claims.”

If you need to see a documentary to learn that Scientology isn’t for you, then Scientology probably is for you. There’s nothing inherently wrong with joining a cult and handing over your free will and all your worldly possessions. It’s not really that different than marriage and some guys just don’t do well as adults on their own. So long as the cult isn’t trying to blow up pizza shops, I could care less. Money and power flow from the stupid to the not stupid. That’s human nature. If it wasn’t Scientology, it’d be something else. I’d rather pretend Ethan Hunt is straight for as long as possible.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Emily Blunt Took Tom Cruise To A Sex Club (VIDEO)

By Travis May 16, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Emily Blunt was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to promote her new film Edge of Tomorrow, which stars Tom Cruise, and she told a story about how Tom was so eager to be a part of the gang that he asked to join Emily and her husband John Krasinski in whatever they were doing for Matt Damon’s birthday one night. John thought it would be a great idea to go to a London sex club, so they did and Tom happily went along with them. That’s where the story suddenly stops, though, which means that Tom probably asked them to join the church of Scientology, offered John a large sum of money to let him marry Emily instead, cried and stomped his feet like a tiny adult when they said no, and then threatened to lock them both up in the Scientology sea dungeon if they told anyone else about what happened that night. I’m not saying that actually happened, but I’m spitballing and it sounds pretty realistic.

Tom Cruise Likes to Abandon Things

By Lex December 23, 2013 @ 5:45 PM

Tom Cruise had been suing Life & Style magazine for $50 million for claiming he abandoned Suri after his divorce from Katie Holmes. The magazine had based their accusation on the fact that Tom disappeared for some number of months after the divorce, while Tom claimed that reality wasn’t all it seemed and who are we humans anyhow to claim to know the truth. Also, keeping his secrets locked in a shame closet take a lot out of him and sometimes he needs an extended Turkish sauna adventure vacation to center himself. Without prejudice for his completely unwinnable case, Tom Cruise quietly dropped his lawsuit last week and told the magazine he’d see them again when they published pictures of him doing kegels with his unusually handsome male trainer.

 Photo credit: Getty Images

Tom Cruise Sues the Shit Out of a Magazine

By Lex November 08, 2013 @ 6:17 PM


Some ladies gossip magazine wrote that Tom Cruise ‘abandoned’ his daughter Suri after Katie Holmes renounced Tom and Xenu in one fell swoop. So, Tom Cruise sued them for $50 million for defamation and libel and slander and everything else that means ‘you hurt my feelings, now give me money’. But in the very first round of depositions, Tom admitted that he didn’t see Suri for 110 days straight after the divorce. Tom also went on to say such priceless shit as his film location shoots were more difficult than Afghanistan tours of military duty and more taxing than being an Olympic sprinter, but that’s just because he’s crazy with the gay. The 110 days thing could be a problem. I don’t know where you come from, but all the divorced kids in my neighborhood expected to see dad at least once a week, or a couple weekends a month. You know, unless they were really overseas fighting in wars alongside Ethan Hunt.

Photo Credit: Getty

Connor Cruise Seems Grounded

By Travis August 30, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

While Tom Cruise was married to Nicole Kidman, they adopted two children (possibly because he found it difficult to get her pregnant through having sex with men), and one of those kids was a boy named Connor Cruise. Now 18, Connor is doing amazing things with his father’s famous name, and by amazing I mean that he’s a professional DJ flying around the world in a private jet.

Hey, I don’t blame the guy for taking advantage of having incredibly wealthy parents, pretending that being a DJ is a career and then bragging about his private jet on Twitter, but at least have some models with huge tits hanging around. You’ve got a lot to learn, Connor.