Lindsay Lohan was released from jail at 1:35am this morning after serving just 13 days of a 90 day prison sentence. Officially she spent 14 days in jail, but that’s because LA county sheriff Lee Baca is a pussy who thinks it’s cute to play little paperwork tricks. She was discharged at 1:35am, but the process to release her reportedly began at 12:01am, and the sheriff counts that :01 as a new day in jail (*). This way both the sheriff and Lindsay can pad their stats while Lindsay gets inconvenienced as little as possible. I think we can all agree, that’s what matters most.
In Bacas defense, his instincts are uncanny. That’s why, on June 20th, his spokesperson said, “She is scheduled to be released on either Aug. 1 or 2 for overcrowding issues and good behavior.”
He knew even before she started that she was gonna behave herself. That’s amazing! (She didn’t behave but whatever.) It means that either LA has three precogs who can see how criminals will act in the future, or the sheriff is an incompetent asshole who somehow manages to keep his job. Either way, it’s damn impressive.
(*) Paris Hilton was released just after midnight for the same reason. That was in 2007 when she was sentenced to 45 days in jail, and after just 3 days Baca signed orders reassigning her to home confinement and electronic monitoring, even though the judge specifically stated there was to be, “No work furlough. No work release. No electronic monitoring.”
But Baca did it anyway, saying, “…because of her celebrity status She got more time in jail.” And he didn’t like that so he let her out. So basically LA county doesn’t have that branch of government anymore, the one with trials and prosecutors and judges. LA has one guy deciding who goes to jail and who doesn’t. This guy got a second DUI just like Lindsay, but for him “early release” only came after 3 months in jail. But he didn’t make any movies that the Sheriff liked, or wear a bikini and wash a car in a commercial for hamburgers like Paris did, so fuck him.