By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 10:39 AM
Hailey Baldwin and cousin Ireland Baldwin mouth kissed on the red carpet of the Mission Impossible premiere because Ireland Baldwin was just cured of her booze and lesbianism and this was her first real test. You never know how you’re treatment will hold in the field until your hot cousin is looking to swap spit. Tom Cruise could only clench his toes and hold back three decades of tear-filled regret. Everyone agreed that this was at least as good as the movie itself, if not slightly less derivative.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 10:26 AM
Dentist and big game hunter Walter Miller confused his daily practice grind with being a Make-a-Wish Foundation candidate and requested the chance to kill, skin, and behead Cecil the Lion. Cecil’s a regular in YouTube clips from visitors to the national park in Zimbabwe. This is fucking Africa. Keep the windows up so we don’t get The AIDS.
DDS Miller paid some local game hunter $50,000 to help him lure Cecil off park sanctuary grounds by dragging a dead animal behind their Jeep. It’s the trophy hunter version of pedophiles with ice cream trucks. Once off the grounds, Miller shot Cecil with a bow and arrow, missing the big cat’s vital organs, so the lion died a slow and painful bleeding out death precisely like you might see in a Hunting-Is-Murder protest video. I definitely want you as my dentist. What do you mean you took out the wrong tooth?
Everybody is pissed to shit. The Zimbabwe government which surely got their own cut is pretending to throw an unlicensed hunting trial for Miller and his hunter accomplice. Social media is blowing up with boycotts of Miller’s dental practice in Minnesota. And Pamela Anderson poured out some of her breakfast vodka rocks out for Cecil, though quickly lapped it up off the counter because there’s no reason to believe Cecil wouldn’t want her to be happy.
It’s hard to see the exhilaration in killing a dumb beast purely for sport. But if you accept the premise that somebody wants to be a dentist in the first place, all kinds of wickedness is possible.
Photo credit: U.K. Telegraph
By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 8:18 AM
Katy Perry seems like she finished what she came here to do. Make a buttload of cash as Raffi with tits. The ongoing fake Twitter feud between Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift and Perry speaks to Perry’s dispassion. She couldn’t even drum up reasonably feigned outrage. Raffi refused to take a Baby Beluga movie deal on moral grounds. You’ve sucked in anything green and on paper like an F5 hooker tornado. You could buy your parents that Jew-free world they’ve always dreamed of. Digesting your mad meals is a treasure like no other. It’s time for your ninth VH-1 retrospective. This is what real smiles feel like.
Photo Credit: Giampaolo Sgura For Vogue Japan
By Matt July 28, 2015 @ 7:59 AM
A West Virginia hooker is being credited with shooting a probable serial killer to death. Neal Falls answered an ad on Backpage, and showed up to the woman’s house, asked her “Live or die?” and began choking her. The hooker, calling herself only Heather, was able to fight him off:
“When he strangled me, I grabbed my rake and when he laid the gun down to get the rake out of my hands, I shot him.”
That is the most West Virginian thing that has ever happened and Heather should probably go on their license plates. Inside Neal Falls’ car cops found a machete, axes, knives, a shovel, a sledgehammer, bleach, plastic trash bags and four sets of handcuffs. Which way to the Gathering of the Juggalos? Falls is now being tied to several murders in the Las Vegas area where he used to live as well as missing people in several other states and probably owes the True Value hardware chain an apology. It’s a good thing Heather made it out alive. Take this as a new lease on life. Stop selling your body. It’s clearly not private property. Move.
Photo Credit: ABCNews24/Youtube
By Matt July 28, 2015 @ 7:11 AM
Pawn shop and Iowa neo Nazi hate rally Muzak supplier Wes Scantlin of Puddle of Mudd was busted for DUI in Minnesota and blew a .310, which is over the legal limit for driving or even being considered a sentient being. Scantlin has been arrested multiple times for domestic violence and just genuinely being a drunken asshole, although he did once swim in the pool at Graceland illegally, a solid bucket list checkmark. Scantlin also fled the arresting officer at 100 mph yet unfortunately maintained control of the car instead of nailing a telephone pole. For that he deserves credit. It’s not quite pitching a no hitter while the batters appear as white elephants, but piloting a rented Taurus at triple digit speeds at four times the legal limit is nonetheless a specialized skill. The story should gain Scantlin some props with the boys in the prison yard until they find out who he is and beat the shit out of him. I robbed my first house to that album. Repent for your sins. And your catalog.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt July 28, 2015 @ 6:26 AM
Hipsters and racists are both awful to be around and take a lot from society without giving back, but rarely can one douche check both boxes. Christian Englander threw a banana peel at Dave Chapelle while he was performing in New Mexico last year and has been charged with disturbing the peace and battery, because this was a super big banana. Englander either doesn’t understand the symbolism involved or is being coy, and pretending that throwing a banana peel at a black dude who happens to be obsessed with racism lacks any racist overtones:
“If I can, I would like to avoid a trial. I’m not afraid of the end result, but it’s a waste of human resources. There are real criminals out there they can try.”
Even assholes occasionally make a good point or two. Englander had taken some dour hipster cunt to the show as his date and as Chappelle was performing she was sitting in the front row drawing in a sketchbook. When Chappelle noticed this and started making fun of them, Englander got pissed and the banana was thrown. I don’t know what’s worse, bringing a banana to a show for the purpose of making a racist statement, or bringing a banana to eat at a comedy show. Either way, completely unacceptable but I’d expect no less from a guy who brings a knitting wheel into Starbucks. Chapelle went to the police station after the show to confront Englander but unfortunately didn’t kill him and was more than likely tasered into a coma. Englander is guilty. Of this and so much more. Please don’t have kids.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Lex July 27, 2015 @ 1:38 PM
We’re going to keep doing this shows until Matt admits that he’s always wanted to be a woman who always wanted to be a man that doesn’t believe in gender labeling. So like three more weeks.
This week’s episode delves into the how shattered nobody is anymore that Billy Cosby sleep-raped five soccer teams full of women, why Ashley Madison cheaters are the dumbest men in the world, and how Russell Wilson’s dick got deeply fucked over by his higher power.
Thanks to our sponsors at ThePornDude.com who are probably the last people on the Internet still giving people exactly what they think they’re getting. It’s porn, dammit. Just porn.
You can comment and subscribe to the show on iTunes. For show contact: LastMenPodcast@gmail.com or LastMenPodcast on Twitter.
By Lex July 27, 2015 @ 12:43 PM
Khloe Kardashian just gave her little teen sister permission to bang older men and it may be the most intelligent thing that’s ever come out of her mouth.
I think at 16 I was probably fucking someone that was in their 20s, for sure. I wouldn’t say I was even dating, probably just sleeping with them. But again, Kylie is not a normal 17-year-old. You’re not gonna say, ‘Hey, so what are you doing this weekend?’ and have her say, ‘Having a slumber party at my girlfriend’s’ or ‘Going to prom.’ That’s not what Kylie does. Kylie is taking business meetings and bought her first house, or she’s going on a private plane with Karl Lagerfeld to take a meeting. That’s not even what people do in their 30s. It’s a rare circumstance, so let’s treat this as a special case.
Perhaps not a great sign that you can’t remember who you were fucking at sixteen. You’re not the old lady from the Titanic. You’re thirty and unencumbered by deep thoughts, you should have an inkling. Nevertheless, if you get past that first part where you vomit a little, Khloe is able to objectively assess her sister’s psychological slut age, versus the knee-jerkers who cling to the Age of Consent like it descended on tablet from heaven. When Jesus was alive, girls were being married off at twelve years and one day and he didn’t say squat.
This isn’t a debate about First Century A.D. practices or if Stephen Collins’ little neighbor girls are old enough to see his half-hard cock, this is whether or not some seventeen year old girls are mature enough to fuck rappers in their 20′s. If you’re raised to be a working whore since childhood, the odds are you’re going to be pretty fucking savvy by seventeen. Thai hookers are more street smart by puberty than anybody currently running to be President of our nation. Kylie Jenner does own a house, a Mercedes, has a fake high school diploma, and earns in the millions from her numerous commercial deals. You think Kris Jenner and Vagina Dad would make wiser decisions on her behalf? Look at the parents. Look at the girl. At least let her be a skank on her own volition. Fuck, Khloe, now we can’t put you down without wondering if you knew what was happening.
Photo credit: Getty Images