OKCupid Fucked With People’s Romance

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

okcupid-homepage
There aren’t many things we hold sacred in this fragile fabric we call society, but online dating was supposed to be one of them. 99% of Internet matchmaking might consist of fraudulent profiles, dick pics, crazy hooker scams, and people pretending to love to hike, but there was a small corner of the digital dating realm that we believed was as clean as Disney’s Main Street. Not any longer. OKCupid just shit on Main Street.

You may recall OKCupid as the dating site so high minded that it refused to allow Firefox users access through its glistening portals because the Mozilla CTO once donated to an anti-gay marriage proposition. They were a dating site that took a stand. Also, one who was finding new business only in same sex registrants. Now the founder of OKCupid, Christian Rudder, admits OKCupid intentionally mismatched potential couples to see if their algorithm of compatible boning actually worked, or if test dupes who were duplicitously told they were matches would fall for each other just the same.

The ultimate question at OKCupid is, does this thing even work?” In the back of our minds, there’s always been the possibility: maybe it works just because we tell people it does. Maybe people just like each other because they think they’re supposed to?”

Ten years into the life of your Harvard geek website seems about the right time to ask if your product actually works. At least Zuckerberg tested his algorithm first. He knew through some scientific rigor that it would ruin society. Then he cackled like a vengeful nerd and moved forward.

It turns out people don’t actually like finding out their online services are fucking with them for the purposes of blind experimentation. It’s like people who join disease studies then find out they just got the placebos for six months and now they have four weeks left to live. But, hey, thanks for advancing science. It’d be easy to say that anybody who naively believes in the ability of online dating service to find them happiness deserves what they get. So I’m going to say that.

Anais Zanotti In A Pink Bikini

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 10:50 AM

Anais Zanotti In A Pink Bikini At The Beach In Miami
I’m going to go ahead and say pink is this French girl’s color. I once had my color profile done at a mall. The girl shuddered as she told me I was black as death. Then she hurried away in tears screaming about Carcosa. That was awkward. If I could only find a partner like this chick who is both pink and has enormous tits, we could blend into something like a muddy brown and more subtly drive the people around us into insanity.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Orlando Bloom Justin Bieber Bar Fight Was Super Intense (VIDEO)

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 10:00 AM







No matter where you fall on the pussy scale of life, it’s super important at any given moment in your life to not be the biggest pussy in the room. The second biggest pussy skates. The biggest pussy is singled out by the pack and devoured. Look around the room. If you’re not sure if you’re the one, you’re the one. Get the fuck out.

Orlando Bloom nearly landed a swipe to Justin Bieber’s smug maw at a club in Ibiza after the two fay combatants exchanged words. There’s a true gangster history between these sub-150 lb. scooter riders since Justin claimed he got busy with Miranda Kerr backstage at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Then Orlando took Selena Gomez on a date after he got divorced. It was some real sit-com love triangle stuff that finally exploded in Ibiza when Bieber did that bitch ‘I want to shake your hand’ move. Orlando came back with a few choice words in perfect Elizabethan English then Bieber squeaked something about Miranda Kerr’s vagina and Orlando tried to smite him but missed. The 47 bodyguards who keep Bieber from getting in real fights hustled the tiny Canadian around in increasingly small circles until they were all trapped in the center of a vortex of shame. I’ve seen some good bar fights in my time. This wasn’t one of them. Thanks to WorldStarHipHop I can tell you this wasn’t even a good girl fight.

Shortly after, Justin Bieber retreated with his posse and posted a photo of Miranda Kerr in a bikini to Instagram. You could almost feel John Wayne’s fist stirring in his grave.

Here’s Orlando earlier in the day in Ibiza. He looked so summery. Why did Justin have to ruin his day?

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Stephen A. Smith Suspended (VIDEO)

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 8:39 AM

When a man is caught on camera beating his girlfriend and dragging her unconscious out of an elevator, that’s not really the time for a deep dive into the complex pathologies that twist a romantic relationship into violence. That’s the time to say, that fucker deserves the chair. Next case please. Stephen A. Smith can’t keep the power of his insight contained so he suggested maybe women shouldn’t provoke angry NLF running backs who can bench press 450.  Now, Smith’s suspended too and doing the fake corporate media apology dance with mea culpas on Twitter and TV. It’s like watching somebody neuter themselves with a  tin can lid while forcing a smile.

On Friday, speaking right here on ‘First Take’ on the subject of domestic violence, I made what can only amount to the most egregious error of my career. My words came across that it is somehow a woman’s fault. This was not my intent. It is not what I was trying to say.

There’s nothing technically wrong with what Smith said. You curse and jab and talk about pulling a train of Steelers defensive linemen a little less and you probably don’t get a pop in the face from your super cool boyfriend Ray Rice. There’s all sorts of ways you can walk the earth like Caine and try to stay out of trouble. Though, that actually never worked for Caine. Smith’s real fault here was not going all the way and saying ‘crazy bitches deserve crazy beatdowns’ then ripping off his mic, leaving ESPN, and joining a co-ed Fight Club. You can’t go half-in on beating women. That just makes you suspended and a waffler.

Jesse Ventura Defeats Dead Guy

By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 7:25 AM

Ventura

Jesse Ventura won a settlement for $1.8 million dollars against Chris Kyle, the Navy SEAL sniper who wrote American Sniper. In the book, Kyle claims he overheard Ventura talking anti American shit at a Navy SEALS reunion, including about how the Navy SEALS could lose a few pounds and how the U.S. was killing innocent Iraqi civilians. Naturally, he punched Ventura. Ventura claims he never badmouthed America or the SEALS, he never got punched,  and that his reputation had been damaged by the book to the point it was becoming difficult to book speaking engagements about why his hair suddenly went missing after being interviewed by the FBI. Ventura sued Kyle over the book but Kyle ended up getting shot and killed by a crazed Marine on a gun range in Texas in 2013. But the book had already raked in over $6 million in sales to the Kyle family, so the trial continued.

The jury heard from a bunch of reunion eyewitnesses who claim the altercation never occurred that evening and awarded Ventura the cash from the Kyle estate. I’m not sure why Kyle felt the need to lie about Ventura in his book. Maybe he really did get into a drunken fight at the reunion with some douchebag and woke up the next morning assuming that douchebag was Jesse Ventura. Easy mistake. I bet that happens to a lot of people who come across Jesse Ventura.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Chris Brown’s Neighbor Seems Cool

By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 6:41 AM

Brown

Chris Brown’s neighbor threatened to shoot him if he sets foot on his property. It is unclear why the guy has a problem with Brown though equally unclear why anyone would not have a problem with Brown. Chris has been throwing loud parties and some of the depraved whore guests have spilled their fake cleavage onto his front yard. Unlike the millions of people who fantasize about accidentally pushing Chris Brown into an oncoming train, this neighbor guy sounds crazy enough to follow through:

“It can be the devil.  I can care less.  I don’t care if they’re having orgies.  It can even be Saddam Hussein for all I care, as long as he doesn’t trespass onto my property, if he does, I shoot him.”

Consider this is a challenge for the rest of us to get Chris Brown to walk across this guy’s lawn. Maybe we Hansel and Gretel out a trail of joints that leads Chris across the adjoining property lines. If he won’t budge, we can experiment with catapults provided by the History Channel. We can’t just let this opportunity pass. This is the best lead we’ve had in years.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Robyn Lawley Is Blowing Up

By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 6:11 AM

Lawley

Robyn Lawley is getting a lot of attention for an untouched photo she posted on Facebook, stirring debate about whether she is actually a plus sized model. On one side are fatty activists who think models should be the size that God made them, give or take a few runs at $5 endless apps at TGIFridays. On the elevated end of the see-saw are the people who think models should look like a walking mannequin whose distended ribs you hold onto as you bang her at a Charlie Sheen cocaine party. The silent majority think Lawley is 6’2″ and needs to lose a couple or three.

Lawley is a poster child for body image discussions. She writes a food blog called Robyn Lawley Eats which features photographs of the shit they found rotting in Elvis’ colon during autopsy. She gets pissed about thigh gaps, fails to note that some chicks are not as tall as Jason Kidd’s media guide height, and believes that vive la différence is French for kill all the skinny bitches. She also stuck up for Lady Gaga’s recent weight gain, opining its completely normal for an overly sexualized pop star to morph into Samwise Gamgee. She panders to the BBWs by rocking the tiniest gut in a winking nod of solidarity. Most of her fans are too far gone to identify with Giselle, but can still fantasize about the day they will be semi-cute with a muffin top Bradley Cooper wants to lick clean.

Photo Credit: Facebook, Instagram 

Toni Garrn Topless on a Boat

By Lex July 29, 2014 @ 3:20 PM

Toni Garrn Goes Topless On A Yacht In Ibiza
Leonardo DiCaprio is not a man with a ton of time to waste. If you discount clubbing, karate kicking, and deep musing, he’s a very busy guy who medically requires sex five times a day with somebody with a modeling card in Frankfurt and Milan. Clothes take time to remove. Fancy model clothes take even more time. Then there’s that whole bit about wrinkling them or how it’s impossible to get horse pee out of silk. Total bother even for the man with nothing but time. Leo has no time. It’s best you just wait for him on the boat with as little as you can wear without being arrested by Interpol. You know who liked to wear clothes? Bar Refaeli. Now she’s running homing beacons into Hamas apartments. Anything more than a thong bottom and you can swim back to shore. DiCaprio, out.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI