Selective outrage was easier to tolerate before the Internet. Limited to angry letters to the paper and men getting loaded and beating their families with dignity behind closed doors. Now opinions are not only like assholes, they’re assholes with self-publishing tools. A bunch of people didn’t take too kindly to the first funny SNL video in nearly forever because it made fun of teens running away from their families to join ISIS. You see, teens really are running away from their families to join ISIS in Syria and Iraq and losing limbs and their sanity and virginity, not necessarily in that order. How can things that are fucked up and wrong with this world be appropriate subjects for satire? ISIS wins this round. We’ll be back.
I’m not sure what $100 million U.S. is in haggard vagina dollars, but it’s probably still a lot. Kris Jenner nailed down a fat Comcast contract for herself and her sexually active ducklings to keep making their show on E!, inclusive of TV spin-offs, digital projects, and aerosolizing toxins from the top of tall towers to retard a next generation of viewers. It’s moments like these when I think of every single letter ever received about not giving the Kardashians any press so they might go away.
The E! deal includes the services of Kris Jenner, her five whorelets, plus that dude who gets loaded and fucks babies into the shortest one. Jenner rakes ten percent of everybody else’s fees, on top of her own appearance dollars, so expect her to stow about $15 million into her own ocean floor bottom safe. Bruce Jenner isn’t part of the new contract since he’s selling his cock lopping under his own imprint. This is one expensive fucked up human circus and a prime example of what happens when a network can’t come up with a single second idea in eight years. Expect your Comcast cable rates to double in the next four years. Consider it penance for every time you ever nailed a girl with a double digit IQ.
Michelle Rodriguez got panties in a bunch over the weekend by saying that minorities shouldn’t steal superhero roles from white male actors she likes to bone when hetero phasing. She said instead minorities should push for new minority superheroes to play in their own movies. The day Hollywood does that I’ll saw off my own dick.
Read Michelle stick her foot in her mouth. (Huffington Post)
You know what’s awesome? Big titties. (The Chive)
Maitland Ward can barely fit her tits in this Silk Spectre costume. (Egotastic)
Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife Nicole Murphy is MILFtastic. (TMZ)
Ashley Benson is covered topless for your viewing pleasure. (Drunken Stepfather)
Bella Thorne is hot in leather pants, but they’d look better on my floor. (Hollywood Tuna)
Jessica Perez looks better in a bikini than your girlfriend. (Popoholic)
Are you an orphan and will you take your top off for post-dated Burger Bucks? That’s the sum total of the interview before the Canon tilts at your bottled water selling knobs on the beach in Malibu. It’s possible these chicks are wearing sympathy tits, to see what real fake tits would feel like to drag around at the office before they make their final decision. Whatever cc’s seem right at 20 when you’re hustling for rent probably will be ill-suited to 40 when you’re hustling for rent. Pride is just another word for broke.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Just like her dad made it okay to be an indignant asshole, Sophie Simmons is hoping her plus sized modeling will let women feel okay about being a buck sixty and strapping into kinky lingerie. I’m just glad she found a purpose larger than herself. Sophie recently lost ten pounds and her chronic vagina rash by giving up tuna and pecans. If tuna and pecans are not a substantial part of your diet because you don’t live in a terrarium beneath Trader Joe’s, you could try doughnuts and baked ziti and hope for similar results.
Photo Credit: Galore Magazine
Kelly Osbourne finally quit the E! channel’s riveting dry snatch klatch, Fashion Police. Osbourne decided to take a stand against not particularly offensive teleprompter comments read by her dancing Sinbad skeleton show partner, Giuliana Rancic. Last week Osbourne insisted that Rancic power up up with a Diet Shasta and issue an on-air apology to the not black girl who was offended by not racist comments about her not real hair. Rancic humbled herself because her parents aren’t rich and she needs the gig, then Osbourne quit anyhow.
Sharon Osbourne expressed tremendous respect for her daughter’s decision. The kind of respect that can only be felt by a mother who’s raised two sickly alcohol and drug addicted children and speaks to them primarily through Tweets:
@KellyOsbourne, I am so proud of you. You can never be bought. You always wear your heart on your sleeve. #ProudToBeYourMum
I’m pretty sure that’s vomit on her sleeve. But mom’s are prone to bias. Most people familiar with the show are suggesting Osbourne had issues with the producers since returning without Dead Joan Rivers and Osbourne was just using the Zendaya Coleman hair fury as cover to quit. While most people in general agreed they don’t give a shit and won’t miss her.
If there’s anybody who can speak to the need for gay parents, it’s a coven of surgically altered witches who’ve fucked up their kids with booze and pills and divorce and a haunting desire for fame. They ought to spell themselves back in time and hand over their newborns to the nearest male male couple with a designer crib and a dream. I can’t imagine the sexuality of parents matters much to kids growing up. Not as much as access to premium cable and money for braces. By the time you realize what your dads are doing in that bedroom with the never enter without knocking rule, you’re already into sports and siphoning off their weed stash slowly so they don’t notice. Lea Michele showed off her small tits just in case you had doubts about something.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/INF
Whoever stole Lupita Nyongo’s pearl studded Calvin Klein gown from her hotel room returned it in a garbage bag after realizing they’d been duped into thinking it was easy money. The dress was worth $150,000 because it contained “6,000 alabaster akoya pearls” according to a bunch of lying publicists. Turns out the pearls were made of plastic as you’d expect if you weren’t still behaving like a retarded child who believes in mermaids. I’m curious how they arrived at $150,000. The actual paint on the Mona Lisa can’t be worth more than thirty bucks with inflation but that’s a work of art. This is a bridesmaid dress a guy in a scarf took a glue gun to. Brands lie to sell bullshit. Apply the story of this dress to every item at the mall and then dust off your tennis rackets. You’ll be dead in fifty years, do some laundry and spend the leftover money running up massive bar tabs. You’ll thank me later.
Photo Credit: Getty Images