By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 2:25 PM
There have been low points for this country before. I’m not 238 years old, I don’t remember them all. Humdingers like the Civil War didn’t affect me personally. This North Korea ass-raping of the American film industry is a different matter. This isn’t a group of overachievers on some podunk college basketball team who upset Kansas or Kentucky once a decade and make for a great story. This is North Korea. They’re friendless street punks. They just made our entertainment industry fall to their knees and start sucking.
“There is evidence to indicate we have seen destructive activity with malicious intent that was initiated by a sophisticated actor. And it is being treated by the FBI and the Department of Justice as seriously as you would expect.” — White House statement
Stop it, White House. You’re making Kim Jong Un laugh while he’s trying to masturbate to his victory. That douchebag found a couple ‘sophisticated actors’ in his country, offered them the choice of double rice portions of death to hack into Sony, and now we’re waving the white flag like it’s our national emblem. I could give a shit about The Interview. If I never have to see James Franco and Seth Rogen gay-bait for promotion ever again, I’ll abide. But cowardice is somewhere below both greed and thinking Steve Harvey is funny on the list of unforgivable sins. Today, we sucked, America.
By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 1:56 PM
Jail time looks good on Colleen Shannon. Damn, that ass. I can only imagine how coveted she was in the Sapphic showers of the women’s penitentiary. Two packs of smokes and a case of the pre-expired tampons just to be the one who got to hold her in the full-nelson. If they housed all the better looking women in one prison and put up cameras and streamed it to a premium pay site, they could make enough dough to easily pay for the entire correctional system. How the hell am I not governor?
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 1:05 PM
If you’re not getting an invite to be in this Love Magazine Christmas not quite nude melange, you ought start figuring out how to get frigid magazine editors to anoint you the next Lena Dunham. Every girl with a pretty smile and a nice ass has been featured in these videos this month. They even let Kris Jenner pose after she promised to buy a ton of copies and not flash the triple-6′s etched into her skull during The Creation. Not being featured in this feature is like going through college without getting an STD. It only means you weren’t popular.
Photo Credit Love Magazine
By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 12:20 PM
This chick reminds me what a pain in the ass it must be to be a woman shopping for a bikini. I couldn’t buy a bathing suit if I saw one of the Hemsworth brothers modeling them with their abs just prior. Too much fucking pressure to look Thor. Unless you’ve got a body like Candice Swanepoel, this Victoria’s Secret shit is going to be riding your crack and unflattering your flaws. I’d still buy it because there are starving kids in India who need day jobs. But I’d have buyer’s remorse the minute I pulled that thong out of my bag at home and realized I was going to look like a tied Christmas roast. I’d make a horrible woman.
Photo Credit: Victorias Secret
By Jack December 18, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
On top of being a serial amateur chemist, Bill Cosby is also a plagiarist. It seems that he had two of the Fat Albert and Friends writers from back in the day write his doctoral thesis for him. Is there no end to how much of a quack Dr. Huxtable is?
Hey, Hey, Hey you are like school on Sunday, Cosby…no class. (The Superficial)
Love is officially dead: Kris and Bruce Jenner’s divorce is final. (TMZ)
Jennifer Lawrence in leather pants looks better than your girlfriend in leather pants. (Huffington Post)
Hey, wanna see Candice Swanepoel’s nips through a bustier? (Drunken Stepfather)
Victoria Klinkova does a naughty Lolita inspired spread and it is oh so good. (Hollywood Tuna)
Miranda Kerr in lingerie is like candy for the eyes and cock. (Popoholic)
A day with Nina Agdal in lingerie is automatically better. (COED)
By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 11:41 AM
With all the Ferguson and Eric Garner protests going on, The Obamas turned to the hard-hitting People magazine to remind less educated Americans that they have racism stories too. Michelle Obama shared the time somebody mistook her for an employee at Target when she was shopping there on some publicity stunt and asked her to help them find something on the shelf. Pretty harrowing stuff.
The only person who came up to me in the store was a woman who asked me to help her take something off a shelf. Because she didn’t see me as the first lady, she saw me as someone who could help her.
Because the first lady wouldn’t help you, naturally. Sorry, I meant, no!!!!!!. This is like watching the scenes from Roots that had to be cut out because they were too chilling for network television.
Barack took his pre-designated term with the chowder whores at People by mentioning how he was mistaken for a waiter while in a tuxedo at a black tie event and also mistaken for a valet outside a restaurant:
There’s no black male my age, who’s a professional, who hasn’t come out of a restaurant and is waiting for their car and somebody didn’t hand them their car keys.
Fuck, why was this not in the CIA torture report? Though you have to consider that parking valet is a more legitimate job than your wholly contrived gig at the time as a community organizer. I know what I’d do if some asswipe slipped me a twenty and the keys to his Porsche and told me to park his baby somewhere safe, but being white I would so without the shame of enslaved generations on my shoulders. Just some chick I called to impress with what I tell her is my new ride only to discover it’s pretty impossible to have sex in a Porsche.
It’s probably a good thing that the Obamas are talking about ignorant racial shit even if their own stories are super sucky. These teachable moments are one of the reasons so many voted for him. To scold and to remind. We really don’t elect Presidents because we think they’re strong executive material any more. Not since they started allowing those ‘other people’ to vote. No, not the blacks. The women. They ruined everything.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 10:29 AM
It might be time to re-animate Theodor Geisel and have him pen some instructive prose along the lines of Could You Would You Please Wear A Bra. Sharon Stone’s latest tits only date back about a couple or three years, but there comes a time when Grandma needs to throttle down on the free swingers. Twenty-five years ago men would’ve killed to have Sharon Stone tits slapping them in the face, now her commando tits are making everybody wonder if being gay is so bad. This isn’t sexist. We need to shut down that silver fox in bike shorts crap as well. Only the genitals of our nation’s most attractive young people should ever been seen. That’s the thin line keeping us from going third world.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 9:48 AM
I didn’t think Simon Cowell would stick with his buddy’s wife he knocked up for almost a full year now since she shat out his spawn. But there they are in Barbados with the little bastard, her other son from her marriage tucked safely away in boarding school on the most remote islet of Tierra del Fuego. Only in the movies do relationships originated in sin and deceit lead to horrible outcomes. In real life, you get Caribbean vacations and cute as a button kids who make for wonderful magazine covers. Though I wouldn’t try this at home unless you’re pretty fucking rich.
Photo Credit: Splash