Courtney Stodden just posted this to her Instagram account. She forgot the hashtag desperate and just farted. I will admit to some Discovery Channel level of interest in the results of harrowing silica mining operations. It’s mostly Courtney Stodden’s tits and the medical devices used to manufacture Courtney Stodden’s tits. Also silly putty, which is Courtney Stodden’s tits for kids. I’m not sure if these kinds of photos get you work, but they beat listing hiking on your resume as interests. I just assume those people are serial killers. Hiking is for Europeans. Guys in America who hike are looking for places to shallow bury their victims.
When you’re sixteen and your Catholic school girls gym teacher is banging you multiple times a week on school grounds, you’ve got to start believing in Jesus. Megan Mahoney, who sounds like every single girl who ever went to Catholic school, was busted for over 30 counts of statutory rape on one of the students at Moore Catholic High in Staten Island. Let’s just admit any time there’s an underaged sex crime involving Catholic institutions our first thought goes to boys and paddles in the rectory. So even the pearl clutchers who lament twenty and thirty-something crazy horny women riding high school boys have to be a little relieved nobody’s going too traumatized to lead a normal life. In fact, this lucky young bastard got a nice head start on life.
Unlike most hot for teacher cases these days, this boy seemed to keep the entire taboo fuckfest on the down low. Good for you, son. He got busted after his ex-girlfriend saw him being post-coitally giggly with the school teacher at a pizzeria. New York pizza really is the best in the world after you’ve been railing the chesty assistant girls basketball coach. Leave it to a jealous ex to ruin a good thing.
Mahoney faces up to a lifetime or two in prison for her crimes of passion. We need to set an example so good looking teachers with large knockers know they can’t just fulfill the most powerful dream of their male students because their vaginas get tingly around junior jocks. Teen boys are meant to struggle with girls. It encourages all sorts of positive feelings like frustration and anger and misogyny. Shame on you, Megan Mahoney. Any idea where you’ll be locked up yet?
Photo credit: Staten Island Advance/Hilton Flores
Nothing quite says I’m a noted author like tossing out your big fake tits like they’re the daily catch at the fish market. Who wants some tits? Get your tits here? Hey, you read my new book? Hemingway never pulled that shit. Then again, Hemingway only had sagging man boobs, not the trumpet sections Katie Price delivers when she launches the latest installment of her lighthearted memoirs.
Since nobody’s actually ever read her books, it’s impossible to confirm the excellence that surely lies within her folds. But if you buy 100 copies for your store, Katie Price will come dressed as the kind of angel that gets passed around at bachelor parties after the more squeamish guys have left. Katie puts out another one of these autobiographical novels pretty much every six to twelve months. She’s either living some kind of interesting life or the books contain a detailed diary of her stools. I’d probably buy the bowel movement recordings for my Kindle. I’ve got a low threshold on digital downloads.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
Adrianne Curry reeks of feminine power. If you need somebody to flash their bare ass at Comic-Con and then punch a nerd for being inappropriately handsy, Adrianne is your gal. A woman can’t possibly exude more vaginal power of Gaia then when posing naked and curled up in the corner. It’s only a matter of months before the Hilary Clinton abused nudes in the corner appear ahead of her New Hampshire primary push. Gunt side facing away from the camera, if you please, Madame Future President.
Photo Credit: Instagram
This is precisely the kind of shit that happens when we tell disaffected teenagers it’s verboten to drown your feelings in booze and cheap sex. Abstinence makes boys want to kill and girls want to fly to Syria to become the Desperate Housewives of ISIS. The days of predators trolling the Internet for underaged victims seems quite innocent now compared to militant Islamists catfishing Muslim girls in Western countries and convincing them that death to the infidels can love them like daddy never did. Just the chance to be a freedom fighter’s evening rape doll sounds so much better than listening to bitchy American girls brag about their boyfriends while suffering through high school trig. Who doesn’t pray for death during high school trig?
Three Somali-American chicks from Denver skipped school and stole their parents cash to board a series of planes destined for Syria to meet up with their new supercool ISIS boyfriends. Their plan would’ve worked had it not been for their meddling parents kind of remembering their daughters spending the last year chanting Death to America in their rooms. To be fair, they thought it was just hip hop music. The parents phoned the cops who caught the plucky teens at the Frankfurt airport and arrested them on suspicion of being exceptionally stupid teen girls. It’s one thing to run up dad’s credit card at the mall or date the greasy haired Breakfast Clubber from the wrong side of the tracks, yet another to go be the bag weaver for severed journalists heads in Syria.
These girls aren’t the first to make the leap from suburbs to Syria. A bunch of ethnic Muslim British teens and other Americans are dying to get over there experience the adventure vacation that is jihad. This bitter teen migration just might cut down on school shootings domestically, but we don’t want our men in uniform to have to take on kids from White Plains with assault rifles still pissed that Suzy Watkins got a beemer for her sweet sixteen while all they got was a raisin honey cake and a beating for wearing culottes.
There’s a time and a place for artificially enhancing a woman’s looks by way of illegally downloaded software. If you’re still buying wall calendars with pictures of hot chicks with big tits, you’re the time and place. There’s a difference between Kris Jenner having a team of Liechtensteiner scientists vectoring wrinkles off her shrunken apple head for Twitter candids, and some guy at the calendar company making Kelly Brook’s tits look hairless so you can spunk to June. If woman is object, why not make the sleekest shiniest object possible? I’m more feminist than most women and it kills them.
Photo Credit: Kelly Brook
I keep remembering then forgetting who this chick is. I looked it up again. Her mom is on one of the Real Housewives show where women who butcher their faces to hold on to their fleeting youth get wasted on fruity cocktails and discover their husbands are crooks. Then Andy Cohen goads them into tears while grinning like a Cheshire cat and bearing down on the four-pronged dildo built into his chair. Gigi’s bio dad is a playboy about L.A. who delves into large volumes of third tier Hollywood pussy. Which leaves Gigi nineteen and looking for acceptance by showing off her body. That’s only sad for girls who can’t pull it off.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Vogue