Iggy Azalea Knows Shit

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 12:11 PM

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There’s nothing more American than Labor Day. It might be an international trade union event that morphed into communism and the world’s worst parades ever, but it’s still the day we close all the public pools sending the pedophiles back into the classrooms and Fed-Ex Kinko’s. Nothing says U.S.A. like some British chick and an Australian chick with a big fake ass at a Made in America concert in Los Angeles. They did a lot of pretending to make out and feel each other up, which I appreciate. You can’t auto-tune fake lesbian stage antics. Within this decade Labor Day will be swapped out for a holiday about turning off your air-conditioning so that marmosets won’t go extinct. Enjoy it now, comrades. America, Fuck Yeah.

Photo credit: INF Photos

Jenny McCarthy Finally Married, Again

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 10:54 AM

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Fuck you for telling a lady on her wedding days she can’t feel like a virgin. Jenny McCarthy looked like an angel with silicon tits at her marriage over the weekend to the less successful Wahlberg brother. While celebrity marriages face long odds, celebrity marriages where both spouses have clear calendars until their iPhones stop counting stand a remarkably good chance at success.

Mark Wahlberg was unable to attend the wedding because he didn’t have enough airline points. Also because he’s a Catholic who believes you charitably accept wayward whores, you don’t marry them. Everybody was happy for Donnie for bagging the busty blond so they could update his Wiki page for the first time in twenty years. Donnie’s already practiced his ‘no comment’ smile for when reporters ask him if he agrees with his wife that ebola is natural and just makes kids stronger.

Photo credit: INF Photos

Alena Blohm in Lingerie

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 10:09 AM

Alena Blohm Poses For Fall Winter LOU Lingerie
Who doesn’t want something on underneath their clothes that makes them feel like a right proper whore. I once had a girlfriend who made me wear a pair of something other than muted color boxers and I felt like a million goddamn self-esteem points. My confidence skyrocketed, I asked the boss for a raise, I told my dad I didn’t want to be a cantor like he and his father before him, and I finally got calves after a decade of futility at the gym. It was like discovering you were from Krypton and not like all the other boys. I had sex with the girl at the office I never thought I could get. My girlfriend cried and dumped me. Her fault. I went back to gray boxers. That was too much power.

Photo Credit: LOU

Emma Stone Not Representing the U.S. Well

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 9:44 AM

Emma Stone Shows Off Her Cleavage At The Premiere Of 'Birdman' At The 71st Venice Film Festival
The powerhouse that is America may not be the shining light on the hill it once was, but we still stand for all things super-sized. Everything here is supposed to be big. We have big business, big cars, big round people, and we’re supposed to have big tits. It’s okay for your standard liberal arts college coed to have itty bitties, but when we send envoys around the world, they need big boobs that scream America. Emma Stone is kind of disappointing. She’s in Venice. We had a war there not so long ago. We don’t need bosomy Italian women laughing at our flat chested saplings. Now that I didn’t legally see them, I’m allowed to say that Kate Upton has big old jam filled mams. Certainly we can train her to act to the level of an Emma Stone. A year at an actor’s academy and some number of electrical shocks ought to suffice. This time next year, I want all Europeans once more scoffing at us stupid Americans and with our big bloated tits.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty

Marky Mark Is a No Show And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 01, 2014 @ 9:20 AM

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Marky Mark Wahlberg decided to not attend the wedding of his brother Donnie to screeching succubus Jenny McCarthy. Maybe he hates her because she is a batshit crazy anti-vaxxer bitchhole or maybe it’s just that he likes being the only asshole in the room and doesn’t want to share the spotlight.

Read all about Marky Mark’s feely feelings. (Dlisted)

Playmate April Summers has some big ‘ol titty balls. (COED)

“The Jersey Shore Massacre” may be the best movie ever. By best movie I mean a huge pile of shit. (Huffington Post)

Freckle-faced Nadine Leopold is hot as fuck in this spread for Urban Outfitters. (Popoholic)

Arianna Grande wears a very short skirt on the Today Show. Very short. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nina Dobrev in a bikini on a yacht. Happy fucking Labor Day! (Egotastic)

I fucking hate Rihanna but appreciate her in a bikini. (The Superficial)

Gay Michael Sam Released

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 9:05 AM

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Gay Michael Sam did not make the final cut for the St. Louis Rams start of the season roster. This could mean an abrupt end to the ESPN investigation into how Sam’s teammates were handling his alluring gay penis in the locker room. I don’t mean literally handling. Or do I? ESPN 360 that shit. Michael Sam made history on draft day when he kissed his boyfriend with a mouth full of cake on national television to signify that men who open mouth kiss other men with mouths full of cake would now be accepted into the manly male club of the NFL. To the Rams, it signified that it was time to figure out a way to cut Sam all fairly and squarely and then cover their tracks:

Well, it was a football decision and it was no different than any other decision that we make. It was a football decision. It was a football decision back in May to draft Mike. And once again, it’s been all about football. — Jeff Fisher, Rams Head Coach

I’m sensing from Jeff Fisher that this was entirely a football decision. Fisher went on to document just how many snaps Sam took during preseason practices, how he had told Sam landing a roster spot would be tough from the beginning, and then holding hands with his fellow Rams staffers at the press conference and singing the LGBT Theme Song, which sounds remotely like Elton John’s Daniel. Somebody had to be first. Just like that black baseball player who was in the minors before Jackie Robinson but didn’t make the cut so nobody remembers his name or gives a shit. That’s probably Michael Sam’s fate after the next openly gay player becomes an MVP quarterback and gets an inspirational book series for young boys that parents refuse to allow in their house. History remembers the generals, not the soldiers.

Suge Knight Could Go Out With A Bang

By Matt September 01, 2014 @ 8:37 AM

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Questionable sources claim Suge Knight may have been shot because he was seeking a tell all book deal. Knight apparently scored an advance for a similar book years ago but realized he would have to pull a drive by on his own home were it ever published. He never wrote the memoir but kept the publishing advance because fuck your credit score when you get shot at thrice yearly.

“[Suge Knight's book would] chronicle the inspirational story of Knight’s emergence from the streets of Compton, Calif., to become one of the most significant and controversial personalities in the music industry  and detail Knight’s take on the deaths of Tupac and Biggie Smalls, his friendship with John F Kennedy Jr… Incidents involving Snoop Dogg, Vanilla Ice, Dr Dre, Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lozpez, among others.”

I’d read that, even though I suspect he’d forget to mention any details of his five dozen felony offenses. The new date for the publication is probably well into the next millennia after he and generations of his cohorts and enemies have killed each other off, leaving the memoir to be sold in college book stores to trust fund kids with Knight’s poster on their dorm wall.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Joe Jackson Can’t Get Face Time

By Matt September 01, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

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Joe Jackson wrote a post on his website complaining that none of his relatives want to see him. He didn’t mention this is because many of them regularly appear on Oprah to acknowledge how he beat the crap out of them. Jackson lives in a modest condo in Vegas. He’s had four strokes. He probably deserves more. When he was recovering in the hospital Janet was the only one who visited him, probably in a failed attempt to pull the plug or raid his old sheet music for song ideas. Jackson ekes out a meager existence trying to cash in on his deceased son’s name, who stipulated in his will that Joe Jackson be escorted to an international territory where he could be lawfully murdered by chimps. Joe refuses to admit wrongdoing while copping a plea for the affection of those who hate him. My money says that strategy is likely to fail at the rate of Jackson’s nervous system. His only hope is that Jamie Foxx makes a Jackson biopic and pays Joe to reveal the secret of  getting his evil cartoon mustache so thin.

Photo Credit: Getty Images