Many NFL cheerleaders are now suing their respective NFL teams for being made to work for free. And by being made to work for free, I mean, they put on cakes of makeup and super tight workout gear, cut any bitch who stepped in front of them in line, and begged the teams to let them come cheer for free. Beyond just the dispute over the meaning of the word free, some of Buffalo Jills cheerleader claim they were gawked at, fondled, and told to jiggle their bodies to see how they looked in the unis during tryouts. Outrageous. All you ever wanted was to pom pom in a super short skirt and a bra for 60,000 drunk dudes and this is what you’re subjected to? Even off-Interstate strippers get treated nicer. And they get paid. Which leads me to one fucking conclusion, why the hell are you not stripping? You know, you can hook up with professional athletes and have illegitimate babies via the Internet these days. If you’re a stripper, your odds rise astronomically of at least one child support claim. And you don’t need to put up with all that objectification nonsense, not without some Washington’s stuffed into your crannies. Despite all the brochures, cheerleading is not a real profession. These ‘indentured servitude’ lawsuits make a mockery of the real misery of slave labor experienced by seamstresses in Myanmar or Kendra Wilkinson’s husband. Let it go. G-O. Let it go.
It’s hard to say how Alec Baldwin will respond to his eighteen year old daughter hanging out tight with butch rapper Angel Haze. I don’t mean how he’ll respond publicly in a prepared moment with his hair perfectly coiffed. I mean in that special rage place that Long Island Hellboy goes to when he’s had a couple too many gins and is calling paparazzi cocksucking fags and his own daughter a rude little pig. Until recently, Ireland had been dating that fake surfer dude with the funny white guy name. I guess when he broke her heart she ran into the arms of Angel Haze, an outspoken proponent of an openly gay voice in the otherwise highly homophobic rap community. The girls have been coloring their hair together, dancing at Coachella, sending out bubbly gushy crush Tweets to each other, and even got matching tattoos.
Never been so fascinated by one person. Like endlessly. Even your happiness has become my own. — Angel Tweeted
I don’t know the world of women all that well, but for men, you’re only getting matching tattoos if you served together, you pledged together, or you’re sucking each other’s bone at night. I know Ireland Baldwin isn’t in the military, or school for that matter. So I’m going to assume it’s the bone. Seeing Michelle Rodriguez swoop in and gobble up Cara Delevingne’s snatch must’ve sent shockwaves through the modeling community. A professional permission to openly scissor kiss other girls by day and still book the Versace show at full card rate in the evening. I’m all in favor of this lesbian model wave. I just hope to God somebody remembers to take pictures.
Photo credit: Ireland Baldwin, Instragram
Girls from Belarus can do fierce face better than American girls. That’s a scientific fact. American women are soft from too many take-out salads and advanced sexual toys and Fat Oprah owned channels. While Belarus women must fight the local swamp rats for scraps of dead pigeon entrails to feed their families. You start fighting the local rodent population to avoid starvation, you’ll get a fierce fucking smirk. It could also be gas.
Photo Credit: Vogue Spain
Being the star of a J-Lo all-inclusive, multicultural, multisexuality, multiethnic, multiracial, blended family dramedy doesn’t pay like it used to, because Teri Polo just filed for bankruptcy. Looks like she busted right through that Fockers dough on essential handbags and Whole Foods dried fruit and now owes her credit card company and the IRS a ton o’ cash she can’t afford to pay back. Also, her landlord is suing her because he says she turned her luxury rental into a giant crapper for her twenty million dogs who pushed out feces in every corner of the abode and on the front walk, forcing even the neighbors to complain of the fetid smell. I don’t suppose Jennifer Lopez could come by with her shiny new GLAAD Media Award for The Fosters and use it to help Teri scoop up some of the turds. Or maybe just give her a raise so she can afford Whole Foods again. Nobody wants to see a TV star shopping at Ralph’s. It’s unsettling.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash is in the clear after a court of appeals judge threw out his child molestation case. Three men brought a suit against Clash for trying to stick his hand up their puppet holes when they were still under the age of majority. The case was dismissed because the statute of limitations was up before the molested boys filed the suit. Clash is still facing a legal threat from a dude who claims that Clash made him smoke crystal meth before learning the words of the day, ‘ass’ and ‘rape’. Clash was driven off Sesame Street by Big Bird carrying a kitchen knife after allegations of diddling kids first appeared. Sadly, they quickly found a replacement puppeteer to stick his hand into Elmo, meaning that irritating bitch of a puppet lives on. I can only imagine how pleased that makes Clash’s victims who probably look for an upper floor window every time they hear that piercing voice.
Iggy Azalea now wears multiple layers of protective undergarments in concert because when she crowd surfs, a bunch of dudes and girls keep literally sticking their fingers up the figurative title of her track, Pu$$y. The finger banging itself seems kind of sexist because a vagina is involved. Vaginas make everything sexist. Though drunk stoned fans have been known to grab the packages on guys they like too when surfing by, but it’s different for a lady. Actually, maybe that is sexist. This shit is tricky.
“Like, they think I’m real slutty, like ‘Oh, she got a song called ‘Pu$$y,’ I know what she wants. She wants these two fingers.’ Why would I want a stranger to ever finger me? Buying my album for $12 doesn’t mean you get to finger me when I come to your city.”
Who buys a whole album these days? I’ll tell you who? Finger rapists, that’s who. Might as well dump that entire customer list from the iTunes store and start rounding those animals up. Iggy says she sees people on Twitter before her shows talking about fingering her and she tries to tell them it’s not okay. Sign of the devil, cool. One in the stink, one in the pink, unacceptable. She wants it to stop because it’s, well, rape, and as wrong as white Australian rappers, only even a little bit more.
I hope we can all agree that Iggy Azalea is in the right on this issue. Also, we can all agree we’ve never fucking heard of Iggy Azalea until now.
Photo Credit: Getty
Gwyneth Paltrow slapped a stalker with a restraining order after he managed to get into her house twice. The plucky weirdo, Nickolaos Gavrilis, was able to bullshit his way into both her London and LA homes by saying he had an appointment with her. Really? That’s what it took to get by her security and staff? Let’s send this guy after Putin. The restraining order says that Gavrilis can’t come within 100 yards of Gwyneth, her kids, or her estranged mildly autistic gay husband. It’s unclear if the stalker wanted to ritualistically slaughter Gwyneth and eat her face or simply wanted to ejaculate in her eye cream. Or both. I think perhaps Gwyneth should reconsider this restraining order. Now that she’s getting consciously uncoupled it is going to be harder on her to meet men. Women over forty who are incredibly unlikable have a tough time with the whole dating thing. Here is a guy who loves her unconditionally and is willing to go through a lot to meet her. I think he’s a keeper.
If I had to choose between the shrill screams of angry jobless journalism majors or a simple sign and a pair of painted tits, I’d choose the latter. But I’m pretty sure the PETA ladies who come up with these topless in public plans don’t think their strategies completely through. If a topless woman asks a dude to give up the slaughtered flesh of baby lambs, he’ll say yes without hesitation. The minute those tits disappear, he’ll be biting into the neck of a llama to fulfill his carnivorous destiny. Now, you bring those bad girls back to the flat, he might just clear out the suckling pig in the fridge. For a good toss in the sack, he’ll probably shove those fake meat patties that taste like dirt up his ass and swear off consuming all sentient creatures. Men require a value proposition. This is 2014. You can see ten thousand tits for free on the Internet. PETA, if you truly love animals, you’ll tell the girls to dig a little deeper into their vagina pockets during field ops.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News