Lily-Rose Depp Seems Ready for Something

By Lex April 01, 2015 @ 12:59 PM

Lily-Rose Depp Flashes Bare Midriff At Chanel Show
I’m not going to make rude come-on jokes about a fifteen year old girl. Not out loud. In Paris, she’s three years past her modeling prime and already a bit over the hill for hooking anywhere outside the no-go zones. Johnny Depp and his former live-in model girlfriend know what’s best for their own daughter and are able to relay that adequately to the staff dedicated to raising her. She wants to be an actress like her old man. Though after receiving the adulation of nicotine browned fingers up her backside from so many at the Chanel show in France, she’s also considering modeling. Computer engineering coming in a distant third. Too many creepy dudes.

Photo Credit: Getty/FameFlynet

Behati Prinsloo Bare Ass And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 01, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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The wind did us all a favor and blew up Behati Prinsloo’s skirt at a Tommy Hilfiger show. I guess God wanted to see her ass. Or she did. Thought probably not her husband who still finds girl parts gross.

Check out Behati’s lovely bare ass. (TMZ)

Robert Pattinson might wed his latest beard FKA Twigs. (Huffington Post)

Gigi Hadid sports a towel and that’s all. (Egotastic)

Niykee Heaton is covered topless and it is amazeballs. (Drunken Stepfather)

Josie Maran in a rare set of candid bikini pictures. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nina Agdal hot bikini body like a fucking champ. (Popoholic)

I’ve never wanted to fuck Boba Fett…until now. (The Chive)

Hilary Duff Tits Seem Single Again

By Lex April 01, 2015 @ 11:35 AM

Hilary Duff Major Cleavage At Younger Premiere In NYC
There are five stages of grief. Just three stages of being free of your former husband. Sadness. Hair dip. Tits. Hilary Duff kind of went through that fast. Your girlfriends are for cheering you up with white wine and the support only women who were crazy fucking jealous of you and your husband can provide. Your tits are for finding a new daddy for your baby. There’s plenty of time for bras after you’re hitched again. 27 and only been married once. Hollywood does not approve.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Teresa Giudice Seems Like a Happy Prisoner

By Lex April 01, 2015 @ 10:22 AM

Teresa Giudice Poses For US Weekly Cover In Prison
Teresa Giudice is on the cover of US Weekly with her smiling family visiting her in prison. They’re either putting on a brave face or they’re just kind of excited the shower drains at home aren’t constantly clogged up for the first time in forever. The story is really about how Teresa’s daughters are coping without their felonious mom around to give them strong guidance. They’re telling the five year old that mom’s at work because, technically, when you’re a thief, incarceration is really just an extra shift. It’s unclear whether or not her prison stint followed by Toilet Joe’s four year stretch is going to hasten or delay these girls from ending up horribly like all other reality show kids sold out by their parents. The Giudices say they would return to Bravo! if the money was right. Or if they could just steal whatever they wanted out of Andy Cohen’s ass safe.

Photo Credit: US Weekly/WWTDD Archives

Coachella Banning Selfie-Sticks

By Lex April 01, 2015 @ 9:22 AM

Selfies-at-Coachella

Coachella and Lollapalooza and other music festivals have started outlawing selfie-sticks at their venues because they remind concert-goers that they just paid three hundred bucks to be squeezed next to 20,000 dicks they can’t stand on Facebook. While the phenomenon of millennials self-publishing pictures of their gaping maws continues to skyrocket, doing so from a better shooting angle is now considered too much. The wider angle actually allows these Kardashian generation pumpkin heads to bring friends into their pictures, which you might argue is slightly less offensive. When I see one of these group photos, I think, well, these kids aren’t future doctors, but at least they’re not going to be shooting up their schools. Nobody shares this with you in kindergarten, but the world needs attention whores just as much as doctors. Perhaps even more. Next time you see your doctor, see if he’ll fuck you just for telling him how hot his dipped hair looks.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Charlie Riina in A Thong

By Lex April 01, 2015 @ 8:52 AM

Charlie Riina Booty In A Thong While Selling Water
I give up, that’s just poetry right there. Nobody is buying this water, but sticking anything next to a good looking girl’s tight ass is still the best way to sell shit. It’s not a four dollar bottle of tap water, it’s your cock, if you pay the four dollars. This girl’s bottom is what we should ring on the Fourth of July and paint on the smart bombs we’re firing into ISIS shitters. I think my cancer just went away. Thank you, hot ass.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Getty Heir Suffers Traumatic Rectal Injury, And Also Death

By Lex April 01, 2015 @ 8:26 AM

Police-Outside-Andrew-Gettys-House

Just hope that when your number is called the words ‘traumatic rectal injury’ are not part of the coroner’s report. Police found oil fortune heir Andrew Getty dead in his Hollywood Hills home. His girlfriend called the cops to alert them of his condition. Getty had a restraining order out against her but once you’re in his house standing over the deceased body, you might as well make the call. The cause of rigor mortis is currently uncertain, but that bloody busted rectum was mentioned as noteworthy. When is it not? Cops had been regulars to Andrew Getty’s home on domestic calls. Getty and this chick were typically super fucking high and shrieking, but when you’re rich, the cops just politely ask you not to kill each other. Should’ve said pretty please.

Mega money is a curse. If you have the next ten thousand hours free you will eventually end up scheduling pills and sex with other people on pills just so your iCal isn’t empty. From there it’s a straight line to the ditch. Maybe reaching 47 isn’t so bad in these circumstances. If I’d hit the ATM at age 20 and the balance was ten million dollars I would’ve last three days tops. That disappointing $17.42 tally is what keeps you alive. Have to get to work. Speedballs and sex while driving a dangerous road at midnight maybe tomorrow.

Photo credit: Getty Images, yeah, I get the irony, the agency was started by this dude’s first cousin

UPDATE: the girlfriend was an aspiring model with big plump knockers. This explains the ‘why’ part of ‘why the fuck would you keep a crazy ass annoying girlfriend’. You can see some of her photos HERE.

Harvey Weinstein Accuser A Pro

By Matt April 01, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Model

Ambra Gutierrez, the model who accused Harvey Weinstein of groping her, testified against Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi in his underage prostitution case four years ago. Apparently Gutierrez found herself at one of Berlusconi’s summer house orgies not knowing there would be sex involved because even sometimes Romans fall asleep during Roman history She also sought damages for losing potential TV weather girl jobs in a separate trial, claiming her name being associated with the Berlusconi trial led people to believe she was the type of chick to show up at orgies and not participate. Weinstein’s people believe Gutierrez is a straight up opportunist:

“We believe this is a blackmail attempt, and he did nothing wrong”

The only gig easier than TV weather girl is serial sex charge lawsuit settlement person. It’s possible Weinstein did touch Gutierrez inappropriately. It’s also possible he touched her appropriately after she bent over to pick up a pencil she dropped on purpose right in front of his face and she wasn’t wearing panties and had drawn an arrow toward her pie hole with the words ‘Harvey, fuck me’ in red lipstick. Weinstein will cut a check and the charges will be dropped. What’s the barometric pressure in Tuscany? Now we’ll never know. Nice shirt.