This week Matt and I discuss all the shit that shouldn’t have happened but it did in the past week including Peyton Manning noodle arming obvious Budweiser endorsements, Beyonce remembering once a year that she’s black, and Johnny Depp’s kid becoming the first coming out gay teen in Hollywood to announce she was going back into the closet. Other shit happened too. It’s all there. We don’t stop fucking talking.
Target could’ve just stopped sorting their kids bedding aisle by boys blue space ranger crap on one side and girls pink princess crap on the other and mixed and matched their Chinese slave labor sewn blankets. Instead they announced a corporate policy to go ‘gender neutral’ with their kids bedding because packs of three year olds were marching in the street demanding a socially progressive unscientific view on gender identity. According to their corporate spokesperson who had a ton of time to come up with a far more meaningful bit of bullshit:
Girls like rockets and basketball. And boys like ponies.
Which isn’t actually true except on the margins. But it’s a convenient thing to say when shilling for sales point in a world where the LGBT lobby has ironically become The Man. I’d love to see the sales figures on boys picking ponies over rockets. This isn’t as big a deal as the SI Swimsuit pandering because I don’t beat off in the kids bedding aisle at Target. I’d suggest you refrain from the same. They take that shit even more seriously than feigned attempts at achieving gender equality among preschoolers. Maybe this will work and girls will finally invent the rocket ship to get me off this planet. It’s really starting to get lame.
Nicola Griffin is the oldest woman to appear in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition by a meaningful number of years. After nabbing a couple fatties to expand the definition of the word ‘bikini body beautiful’, the magazine went straight for old ladies as they checked off the categories of women not a single reader asked to see in a bikini. Sports Illustrated doesn’t cover heavyset women or old ladies in the course of its normal sports coverage. It’s hard to know who to blame for this explicit pandering but I’ll choose Lisa Garcia Quiroz, Chief Diversity for Time Warner. Time Warner’s CEO now has thirty-percent of his executive compensation tied to diversity results. Fat chick and old ladies in bikinis just earned him a new boat. There’s a method to this madness. Follow the money. Eventually it will lead you back around to the 22-year old Brazilian models as it should.
Photo Credit: Instagram
Oscar bait Meryl Streep said that the whole hoopla over diversity at the Oscars is stupid because after all “we’re all Africans really.” Needless to say, Twitter and social media tore apart this national treasure like a chicken at a pit bull convention.
I guess that’s easy to say if you’ve won 4000 Oscars. (Dlisted)
Alison Brie wears a lace-up dress and makes my peepee happy. (Last Men On Earth)
Miranda Kerr’s chest puppies want to pop out of that leather corset. (Egotastic)
Blac Chyna uses her ass to sell Rob Kardashian’s shitty socks. (TMZ)
Who doesn’t love a hot redhead? (The Chive)
Selena Gomez sure knows how to wear a sweater. (Popoholic)
Why put on airs, here are some pictures of girls with giant tits. (Radass)
Emily Ratajkowski wore a Bernie Sanders crop-top so now she’s a political activist. if she fucked Bernie Sanders she probably could’ve received an ambassadorship to somewhere cool. She aimed too low. Ratajkowski gave an introductory speech for Sanders at the University of New Hampshire. She played off the Gloria Steinem quip about young female Sanders supporters only being for Benie to impress cute boys.
So I am a young woman and um, well, just to make one thing clear: I’m here because I support Bernie Sanders… I’m not here for the boys.
The news came as some surprise to the boys in the crowd who were imagining dry fucking her tits and for one shining moment thought they were somewhere far cooler than a political rally. New Hampshire doesn’t offer that many extra-curricular activities in the middle of February. Staring at sweet racks is the mid-winter version of a Fall foliage tour. Gloria Steinem should’ve amended her statement to say that young chicks are pretty fucking stupid so there’s no accounting for their political tastes. That’s less offensive in some way. True in most ways. Now then, show us your tits for free college tuition. I’m paying taxes, so you kind of owe me.
Photo credit: Emily Ratajkowski/Instagram
Girls go nuts for The AIDS. These amFAR events scheduled around the world in concurrence with various Fashion Weeks bring out the best looking ladies. Dress up, show off, there are men with money and not long to live here. Best party ever. Condoms are ten grand each. You’re going to want at least two.
Photo Credit: Splash
Combine the archetypal male fantasy of midget whores with giant potato head babies crowning through rapper creampied vaginas and you have my attention. Magic like this doesn’t happen in a vacuum. There are teams of assistants providing hair and wardrobe and STD blister mitigation support. Then and only then can you say, I was there when Cloverfield revealed itself. I remember four tits and the smell of an uncleaned 7-Eleven hot dog warming roller. Then darkness.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Jaden Smith was announced as the new face of Louis Vuitton womenswear. Will Smith laughed his famous self-deprecating laugh and declared that perhaps he and the missus had been too lax with the boy. No shit. Will Smith was brought up Catholic in working-class West Philadelphia and it drove him to become a top selling rap artist, TV actor, and movie star despite churning out largely mediocre product. Why not raise your kids the exact opposite of what worked well for you? Your children are ripe for life-destroying blind experimentation. The results are in. Your son is an asshole trading off the family name to book cross-dressing gigs. Take heart in the fact he has chosen his own path and that he’s already reached clear at the Center. That’s all any dad could ever ask of his son. Also, that he not mix stripes with patterned knit skirts. That’s pretty lame.
Photo credit: Jaden Smith/Instagram