Coolio Has A New Record Label

By Matt July 23, 2014 @ 7:01 AM

Coolio

Coolio will be releasing his music on Pornhub.com from now on because it’s the website most often visited on mute. Pornhub agreed to provide Coolio with some porn stars to dance around in his new video because he didn’t have the requisite $200 dollars for sixty minutes of on-camera dancing and a hand job if it’s not The Sabbath. This is a real blow to Cooli’s rep because porn chicks will appear in your videos for free if you have any name recognition whatsoever,  even if just for killing children on a school bus.

Coolio has not released an album in five years. To put that in porn terms, most of the girls dancing in his video were just fourteen year old incest victim runaways at the time of his last album. Still, most of them are from Eastern European nations where Gangster’s Paradise just hit their smuggled transistor radios. I guess this is the wave of the future. Digital porn-horrible rap synergies. I’m not sure I need to hear Coolio lamenting the lack of economic activity in the hood while I’m jerking off for the third time and wondering why I didn’t attend law school.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Richard Pryor’s Son Threatens To Sue

By Matt July 23, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

PryorJr

Richard Pryor Jr. sent a cease and desist letter to his stepmother demanding she halt production of Richard Pryor’s fledgling biopic. The letter claims a dying Pryor Sr. was tricked into signing away the rights to his life story by Jennifer Lee Pryor, who was only his ninth hottest wife. Jennifer married Pryor well after his MS diagnosis and continued servicing his member until it was all that was left of him. Pryor Jr. didn’t mind the trickery so much as he just really wanted to play his father in the film. Everybody agreed  this was not a good idea since he’s far too old to play a young Richard Pryor. Also, he’s not actually an actor. Now Prior Jr. is arguing Nick Cannon should play his dad which shows he’s just making up random shit. That or he’s super unfamiliar with the names of black actors.

The legal claim seems like total garbage. The movie rights deal was Pryor paying off a young chick willing to blow a horny sickly comedian on a Hoveround. He was in his right mind when he made a solid decision based on solid cock reasoning. It definitely makes more sense than giving control of your legacy to your shitty kid who thinks Nick Cannon is an actor.  Especially if your son isn’t willing to blow you after you’ve peed uncontrollably in his face like dependable Jennifer.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Patriots Got Aaron Hernandez’ Back

By Matt July 23, 2014 @ 6:07 AM

Hernandez

Aaron Hernandez’ legal defense team requested his team files from the New England Patriots. The Patriots refused to release some of his scouting reports citing ‘trade secrets’. When a ruthless murderer is standing trial it’s important nobody know how they measure vertical leaps. It might also show what shitty judges of characters they are since they drafted a meth smoking, gun toting gangster and thought he would be content running patterns and blocking. Hernandez’ legal team asked a second time, more insistently:

“Any record bearing on a defendant’s psychological function, illnesses or afflictions, addiction, cognitive ability, social interactions, behavior under stress, relationship with authority and other such factors are undeniably relevant to the defense of an individual charged with first degree murder.”

Given that Hernandez was a known lunatic prior to joining the Pats, this elaborate testing process seems pointless, unless the team is actually screening out those not prone to deadly use of force, which would kind of prove Belichick really is a genius. They probably have confidential case files full of dead hookers and street orphans in every city in the AFC East. I’m guessing Hernandez walks and re signs with the Patriots for less money. Plus they make him mow the field because he owes them. Smartest team in the league.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Breanna Mitchell’s Auschwitz Selfie Making Friends

By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 2:33 PM

The-Auschwitz-Selfie

If I could, I’d never judge civilians for shit they do at eighteen. I even feel bad at times for wishing Justin Bieber the victim of an industrial grinder incident. I feel like maybe if I’d had $100 million in the bank at eighteen and my homeless parents on my payroll, I’d probably have been a world class a-hole as well. Probably with my shirt on, but all the same. But the Auschwitz selfie from American teen “Princess” Breanna Mitchell deserves a little spotlight. Not just because this high school grad felt the concentration camp where over a million Jews were gassed and baked was a solid backdrop for a grinning selfie, but because of what it says about our modern culture. We are a bunch of narcissistic fucks. We earnestly believe our lunch salads, our grossly uninformed medical opinions, and photos of our very average children doing very average things are worthy of the world’s attention.

I’ve never bought into this Greatest Generation bullshit. I think circumstance creates heroes. But I have to believe no eighteen year old GIs were smiling for photos when they liberated the concentration camps and saw the rumored horrors finally therein. I’ve been to Dachau. It chills you to the ugly core of humanity. You just kind of know there are those certain places where you don’t crack a smile. The middle of Communion, in front of your old man when he’s holding a belt, and when taking in genocide. That’s not a complete list, but it’s a good starting point. Not all social media narcissism is bad. But as a rule, if it doesn’t involve tits, you can probably just email it to your mom.

Nina Agdal In A Bikini

By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 1:52 PM

Nina Agdal In A Bikini At The Beach In Miami
I wonder what goes through your mind when you realize Adam Levine dumped you to marry a different cute foreign model. Probably something akin to being stuck in the TSA line and missing an airplane that ends up crashing. That’s God giving you a shot across the bow. For Nina Agdal, she’s taking her second chance to bone a new male model boyfriend. Next comes the locusts.

Photo Credit: Splash

Beyonce And Jay Z Probably Splitting And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 22, 2014 @ 1:30 PM

452363120

America’s second most annoying couple, Jay Z and Beyonce, are rumored to be splitting up. The reason seems to be that Jay Z likes to stick his dick in other women while Beyonce’s independently wealthy and doesn’t need that shit.

Read all about the trouble in d-bag paradise. (Huffington Post)

Apparently there is a Miami bikini fashion week and it’s all bikini models (Drunken Stepfather)

Taylor Swift wants you to finish on her legs, that’s implied. (Hollywood Tuna)

Miley Cyrus takes a topless selfie in the desert because why the fuck not? (Popoholic)

Jonah Hill came to officiate Adam Levine’s wedding; he stayed for cake. (Fish Wrapper)

Alexandria Morgan running in a sports bra in slow motion? Yes please! (COED)

Conor Oberst decided to not sue the woman who falsely accused him of rape. What a guy. (Dlisted)

Ben Stein Judged By Pregnant Hooker

By Matt July 22, 2014 @ 1:12 PM

Stein

Ben Stein is being accused by a pregnant lady of being super fucking creepy. No, that’s not a crime. Stein met Tanya Ma, a self described performance artist and former escort in the airport. Former escort being something akin to former Guatemalan. Stein proceeded to give her money to stay at a hotel and she sent him her ‘performance art’, which I’m guessing is not MOMA eligible content. The two texted quite a bit with some steamy old man entries on Stein’s part:

“When you get here i want to hug and kiss you. I understand you don’t want to fuck me. But i want to touch you and kiss you.”

When Stein started coming on harder than apologetic requests for first base, Ma first asked if they couldn’t just be dinner buddies. When the requests for nookie kept coming, she got on the sort of self righteous feminist kick only pregnant web cam whores are capable of and called him out publicly:

“It’s unhealthy and toxic behavior that needs to be exposed”

There’s nothing worse than a prostitute who needs to be reminded of the underlying principles of her chosen trade. Most “former escorts” would rather talk to some dude over a free coq au vin  than suck his balls, but I’m sure Stein has plenty of buddies and a wife he can eat with and not have to feign interest in their performance art by texting boner pics. Stein is now owning this whole thing as if he is a martyr for the sexually incompetent senior citizen cheaters:

“I have never touched her, I have never had any sexual contact with her. I should get a medal for helping this woman.”

Failing to bang a whore does not make you a hero, but I can’t think of anyone else whose creepy transgressive sexting would go only as far as hugging and kissing. Its almost cute in a new millennial sort of way where everything is crude and people are terrible. Meantime, Stein needs to get his act together. At this point, it’s going to take him thirty years and thirty grand to get to third base. Fingering a whore won’t seem so cool when you’re 99.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Arianny Celeste in A Bikini

By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Arianny Celeste Goes For A Swim In A Bikini In Miami
Miami used to be the place you’d go to browse markets for the freshest cocaine. Then maybe in the evening be sucker punched by one of the Canseco brothers. Now you can also see girls like Arianny Celeste in their bikinis taking a break from their jobs of being in bikinis. I’ve liked Arianny Celeste ever since she beat the crap out of her boyfriend in a limo. I appreciate a women who lets you know how she’s going to hurt you in advance. That’s either jaded or sensible or both.

Photo Credit: Splash