By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 7:29 AM
For every national media scare there is a promotional product for sale. That’s what makes this country great. We turn ginned up cable news stories into opportunities for licensed merchandise. Occasional rapper and assault victim Cam’ron is selling an Ebola Mask on his group’s website with his face on it. The mask retails for $19.99 and is designed specifically for Ebola and being taunted until you kill yourself:
“Wrap it up and protect yourself from Ebola just like Killa Cam! PRE-ORDER – Ships 11/7/14. Provides complete protection while remaining light and comfortable. Polypropylene outer facing offers a soft, fluid protection barrier while the cellulose inner facing assures comfort and breathability.”
Of course this mask wouldn’t protect you from the common cold, let alone Ebola, and anyone who would believe so lacks the twenty bucks required to make the purchase in the first place. It’s unclear if this is an inside joke on Cam’ron’s part or if his fans are just exceptionally dim. My money’s on the latter. If you should ever see someone wearing this spit in their eyeball and tell them you have Ebola. This should not go unpunished.
Photo Credit: Dipset.com
By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 7:01 AM
An Indian soccer player died after injuring himself doing flips while celebrating a goal. One could take the easy way out and mock the guy, but he should be commended. Most people die far removed from the glory days of yesteryear, telling boring half truths to people who are staring at their veins. You’re at the height of your game feeling the wind beneath your balls while you hurl yourself through the air as the entire assembled crowd virtually fellates you. Peter Biaksangzuala may have never topped that moment. Get in there, leave your mark, and go out with a bang. Take pride in knowing your story will be told in bars and frat parties around the world for the next thousand years. You have given us the greatest gift of all. The gift of some shit to talk about.
By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 6:32 AM
Carmen Electra appeared on Oprah’s “Where Are They Now?” and talked about her marriage to Dennis Rodman and some other shit that even Oprah couldn’t pretend to care about any more. Getting screen time is a bitch these days, so why not dredge up some old gossip for a younger generation of unemployed single parents and stay at home chardonnay drinking divorcees who can still locate Oprah on their Magnavox floor units.
“Our relationship was very passionate. When it was good, it was amazing. And when it was bad, it was the worst.”
Often times gigantic cross-dressing manic depressive alcoholics are a bit volatile. Few people needed this update, but the subject matter is neither here nor there. Electra wants you to know she is still a hot piece of ass and is available for acting in the role of escort or real escort work if the price is right. Naturally, Oprah gets a taste. If this were charity, she’d build another rape school in Africa.
By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 6:02 AM
Jay Leno was honored at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts with the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Leno has been hypnotizing his vanilla wafer eating audience into a state of catatonia for the past two millennia. When you lack a memorable sense of humor you need a non-prestigious award named after a long dead guy to kick you in into obscurity. Leno was surrounded by a ton of colleagues since he lacks friends after having run a few too many of his watered down jokes by them at Dockers clad backyard barbecues. The ceremony was attended by Jerry Seinfeld, Jimmy Fallon, and Wanda Sykes among other who will have a shot at winning this garage sale bargain bin item if they convince someone to donate a shit load of money to the Kennedy Center. There’s no finer moment for an entertainer than nailing a big honor in Washington D.C. It means they don’t hate you, they really really don’t hate you.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 2:22 PM
I’m going to assume Victoria’s Secret is more rigorous with their age screening process for models than they are for the garment workers in their swank Myanmar warehouses. I can abide toddler sewing slaves, but the notion that I might be thinking adult thoughts about a girl who is still a full week away from being allowed to shoot ass to mouth porn rattles my moral compass. That eighteen rule is the fine line that separates us from slipping into Georgia. I take it pretty seriously.
Photo Credit: Victorias Secret
By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 1:24 PM
Arizona is still trying to get the death penalty for Jodi Arias over six years after she shot, stabbed, and carved up her boyfriend because she got lost a little in her crazy girlfriend role. Arizona has always struck me as a place where they move pretty quickly on shit that needs getting done. The O.K. Corral, stealing old people from Floriday, the University of Phoenix passing out college degrees in less time than it used to take to download a Cindy Margolis jpeg on a 14.4 modem. But they just can’t seem to bring themselves to agree on the death penalty for this convicted murderer.
If you give defense attorneys enough time, they will bring the fucking kitchen sink into the defense of their client. Especially in a death penalty sentencing phase because the thought of murdering murders is abhorrent to many.
Jodi Arias [now claims] that ex-lover Travis Alexander wrote letters to her apologizing for an alleged incident in which she said she caught him masturbating while looking at pictures of young boys.
It’s sort of unclear how even if true that goes to mitigating her butchering him to death in the shower. Was she defending the integrity of America’s youth from being virtually spunked? Did he force her to call herself Billy and dress in Little League uniforms during sex play? I’m not a death penalty proponent but I’m so tired of this chick I might grab some Good and Plenty’s and go watch if there’s tickets.
It’s hard for many people to order the execution of a woman, especially when she’s dressed like their mom. This is especially true of men. Most women would order the slow painful execution of a chick for not returning a scarf or making eyes at their man. Men are inherently inferior at dealing with the dirty jobs in life. It’s probably because they’ve never experienced child birth. Also, because they imagine if they spare Jodi Arias her life they might somehow get to fuck her during conjugal visits and see for themselves just how crazy she gets in the sack.
By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
Sometimes you just want to take your best gal to a weekend matinee. Maybe grandma. Or the nieces and nephews. You don’t want to have to explain to a bunch of high fructose corn syrup jacked up grade schoolers where Kim Kardashian ass babies come from. Do you need to go backless at the mall theater? This isn’t the seventh grade pool party where you’re showing off your newly growing girl body. You’re inflated to maximum capacity. You’ve got to wrap that dramatically warped flesh frame in some kind of prairie frock before boys at the mall start experiencing the overwhelming desire to slap their girlfriend on the ass and start calling her bitch.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Jack October 20, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
It looks like Ray Rice’s indefinite suspension may not be so indefinite. He may get to play as soon as next month. If you think about it, he’s less likely to hit his wife if he gets to spend Sundays with the guys. If you think about it.
Read all about Ray Rice’s lucky break. (The Superficial)
Apparently, it’s not too late to make some money off Fappening extortion. (TMZ)
Kim Kardashian dresses like a whore to go to Taco Bell. Surprised? (Huffington Post)
Maryna Linchuk naked in Allure Russia will make your wiener’s day. (Drunken Stepfather)
But let me tell you about Rita Ora’s tits. They are big. (Hollywood Tuna)
All I want for Chanukah is Natasha Barnard in lingerie. (Popoholic)
The rise and fall of a giant French art butt plug. (Dlisted)