The Haunting Patrick Schwarzenegger Tattoo

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 1:23 PM

Patrick-Schwarzenegger-Tattoo

I lost track of Miley Cyrus’ tits like ten tits ago. But that Arnold Maria crucifix tattoo on the side of Patrick Schwarzenegger continues to vex me. When you’re a celebrity kid who sort of acts and attends ‘some USC’, your main job is not to get DUIs or stupid fucking tattoos. Nobody ever listens. Getting the first names of your cheating divorced parents crossworded into the sign of the cross on your body seems pretty horrible. It might just eclipse the matching NSFW tattoos you and your girlfriend keep telling the press you got etched on your respective penises. If I was Maria Shriver, every time I saw that tattoo on my son, I’d think about my husband fucking a baby into the chubby cleaning lady. If I were Arnold, I’d think about fucking Miley in the ass in front of my son and making him cry. That’s just how I’d think. If somebody is Catholic and this makes sense on some liturgical level, write me a foul message and tell me how the murderous albino monk is coming for me. I’m ready to die. I’ve seen Cats.

Photo credit: FameFlynet/SplashNews/AKM-GSI

The Bachelor Almost Got Interesting

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 12:40 PM

Ashley Girls Start Stripping On Third Episode Of The Bachelor
Network television is inherently uninteresting because it lacks tits and swearing and grotesque violence and the other things that form the basic hierarchy of interesting viewing. Contestant Ashley on the Bachelor touted her virgin status then took off her bikini top to prove that she can both lie and follow producer instructions. The goal of the show is to become marketable enough to sell a diet powder when the series ends or if you’re lucky, become the second wife of an NFL player until your untimely death. I’ve never understood the allure of staged reality shows. I like real. I like fake. I don’t see the value of fake real. If my girlfriend is reading this, you don’t need to pretend. I don’t care that much. Let’s not get caught up in who’s getting what and when. It’ll all even out when you find a better boyfriend.

Photo Credit: ABC

Drake Narrowly Avoids Cherp Herps And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 27, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Former Canadian teen dramatist Drake supposedly struck out with Lebanese porn star Mia Khalifa. She was moved by his music, but less impressed with the not black part of his junk. He’ll likely create a new rap that shades the story differently.

Read about this modern day love story. (Dlisted)

Hackers threaten Taylor Swift with releasing titty pics. (TMZ)

Nadja Bender shows off her awesome thumper for Vogue. (Egotastic)

Lady Gaga does yoga in a thong because, Oh God my eyes! (Huffington Post)

Naomi Campbell is still highly fuckable. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hailey Clauson in a bikini is super fucking fappable. (Popoholic)

Kerrie McMahon uses her tits to sell overpriced water. (The Superficial)

Norwegian Girls Visit Sweatshops, Cry, Go Home (VIDEO)

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 11:43 AM

Norway also has reality shows featuring attractive young adults. Except they don’t drive Bentleys and face emotional challenges coming out to Lance Bass. They shove them into sad, disheartening, morose situations so everybody can feel horribly Scandinavian. Deadly Fashion sent three young Norwegian fashion bloggers to spend a month living side by side with workers in a Cambodian clothing factory that makes trendy ensembles for Gap and other major Western retailers. You might be surprised to learn that life as a garment worker in Cambodia sucks fairly severely. Like, shut up poor people of America who have cars and cable TV and Oscar Meyer deli meats and smokes kind of sucks.

The workers get paid nickels and dimes to sew for endless hours a day and they have nowhere to shit properly and cant’ afford real food to eat, which helps alleviate shitting problem somewhat. Then they shuffle off to their lean-to’s ten per room to rest their weary bones. You don’t work, you don’t eat. Somebody’s grandmother died because she had no food and starved. There’s a side story in their somewhere about really shitty grandkids. The Norwegians cry a lot as they realize how horrible life is and promise never to wear clothes again. Then they go home and slowly but assuredly drink themselves to death. If TV is going to suck, it should suck like this.

Nick Cannon and Amber Rose Working Magic

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 10:49 AM

Nick Cannon With Amber Rose While He DJs At Drais Nightclub In Las Vegas
The island of misfit toys production of dumped spouses with very hidden talents had Nick Cannon DJing at a nightclub in Las Vegas with Amber Rose at his side. The two discussed the tribulations of being ass puppets for more successful partners and how far buffed body parts might get you in life on your own. Then they snorted a few rails and cried about their children whose names didn’t come easily. The music never stopped pumping and the base never stopped jumping. That was according to notecards turned in by nightclub guests at the end of evening. Nick Cannon’s DJ Yelp rating is climbing steadily. He should be booking more gigs. Amber Rose will be fine so long as men continue to want to get laid.

Photo Credit: INF

Kris Jenner Isn’t Really Wearing Pants

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 9:33 AM

Kris Jenner Wears See Through Pants While Shopping At Yves Saint Laurent In Paris
Remember that time Kris Jenner announced she would shove a finger up Muhammad’s ass during sex because he was into that kinky shit? C’mon, ISIS, she’s right there in Paris. The aging succubus with see-through pants. Ready, aim, Allahu Akbar. We can look the other way. No unity rallies. The Times will order its staff to use the term ‘errant youth’ and establish a multicultural understanding fund. Fire.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews/Splash

Cumberbatch Concerned for the Coloreds

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 9:02 AM

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Anybody who speaks in public often enough is going to say some stupid shit at some point then that soundbite is going to be a headline in articles and debated endlessly by people with way too much time on their hands. Having said that, you probably don’t want to drop the term ‘colored’ for black people on national television. And if you’re going to, don’t be a descendant of a well-known slave owning plantation family speaking on the Tavis Smiley show.

Benedict Cumberbatch found himself appalled at his own appalling slip of the tongue when he said how horrible the career field is for colored actors in the U.K.:

“I’m devastated to have caused offense by using this outmoded terminology. I offer my sincere apologies. I make no excuse for my being an idiot and know the damage is done.”

That’s your standard devastated progressive actor statement. First, express mortification. In fact, if you can get away with it, use the word mortified. People eat that shit up. Second, profuse apology. Like you just ran over an old lady’s cat, or her favorite grandchild. Third, way over blow the damage you’ve caused. Maybe somebody cut him off before he hit the Alec Baldwin fourth with a note about having many colored friends. Cumberbatch is an outspoken gay rights supporter so he’s pretty much got carte blanche to say whatever the hell he wants. The press would go neutral if he announced the world was better off when slaves knew their place. Like we’re not all thinking it.

Photo credit: Splash News

NFL Pounces on Ball Deflater Scum

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 8:55 AM

Bag-of-NFL-Footballs

According to the NFL, the New England Patriots under-pressurized balls from the AFC Championship Game were the result of a lone gunman. A locker room attendant who was seen on video tape taking the big bag of game balls and disappearing into the toilet stall for ninety seconds. There are only so many things you can do in a bathroom with twenty four fresh balls and a minute and a half, one of which apparently involves deflating a dozen pigskins to a precise measurement. You’d have to read the Sandusky diaries to cover your other options. Avoid the illustrations.

Why a locker room attendant would choose to spend years developing the skills to pull off such a superhuman feat remains a mystery. Dengue fever seems a likely culprit. Also, violent video games should never be overlooked. The NFL believe this is the same locker room attendant who swapped out all the expensive safe helmets for cheap unsafe dummy helmets that caused concussions and brain damage to the former NFL players now suing the league. It’s also possible he punched Janay Rice in the face while pretending to be Ray Rice and has intentionally mismanaged the Oakland Raiders for the past decade.  The important thing is, the NFL investigation worked, the fiend has been found, and nobody needs to ask any more questions. If you go to sleep now, the Super Bowl will come quicker. I believe.

Photo credit: Getty Images