By Lex April 28, 2015 @ 10:31 AM
Polish chicks in their underwear remind me why we need to defeat ISIS. We should drone any man who advocates eradicating this for he’s no man at all. Your faith has given you hairy chicks and sand fleas. Jesus is making hot chicks in Poland. Show us your tits good women of the civilized world and I shall march behind you. Occasionally reaching around for a feel. Even the righteous man is horribly flawed. Just pretend I’m handsome.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
By Lex April 28, 2015 @ 9:56 AM
Political correctness dominates the truth in every public forum these days. But what happens when two bits of hyperbolized intellectual bullshit lock horns in the ring? Alice Eve lifted the holy mop of gender pay gap and poked Bruce Jenner for labeling himself a woman:
“Nope. If you were a woman no one would have heard of you because women can’t compete in the decathlon. You wouldn’t be a hero. You would be a frustrated young athlete who wasn’t given a chance. Until women are paid the same as men, then playing at being a ‘woman’ while retaining the benefits of being a man is unfair. Do you have a vagina? Are you paid less than men? Then, my friend, you are a woman.”
Lesson learned. Shooting yourself up with hormones will never make you as blindly outraged as drawing estrogen naturally from the font of Gaia. You can’t get sand in your vagina until you get one, and even then you can probably afford a sand resistant vagina. Alice Eve’s post was immediately attacked by Tranny High Command which declared Eve to be transphobic which I previously believed to mean you were scared of midgets fucking your mom in the backs of their tiny cars. Eve removed her post and replaced it with a photo of David Bowie in one of his 70′s concert transvestite guises and a slogan about accepting everyone for everything, except for suggesting the gender pay gap is bogus, naturally.
Here’s pictures of Alice Eve’s big perfect tits in case you were trying to figure out whose side to take.
Photo Credit: “Crossing Over”
By Lex April 28, 2015 @ 9:12 AM
The Mariah Carey combustion clock edged another minute closer to midnight. Carey has some fleeting amount of time left in between the loss of her once impressive pipes and the moment earnest college students pour buckets of sea water over her to keep her from suffocating. Being a wealthy lady let who lets it all go won’t be so bad. You can eat and breathe and disappear the staff that make fat jokes to Chinese body harvesting camps. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless the exploding waves of viscous matter are visible from space. Then you’re on YouTube.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty
By Lex April 28, 2015 @ 8:41 AM
Achieving divinity status in modern media is pretty fucking easy. Confess a socially suitable problem. Cry. And celebrity media encourages the world to love you. Bruce Jenner was a hero. He trained his ass off and won the decathlon in the Olympics at a time the U.S. was desperate for a win of any kind. If he did so while wearing panties beneath his track suits, all the power to him. Gold medal is scoreboard. Maybe he’ll become a great leader for the tranny movement and progress society toward tolerance. But he’s not a great father.
The bandwagon throngs have been spitting that praise out these past several days. Bruce Jenner is a likable enough guy who happens to be a shitty dad. Jenner has married and divorced three times, keeping deep secrets from his wives, creating kids in two marriages, the first set of which he ditched for years, lying to all of them about in the least being a woman, if not also gay. His personal shame led him to submit to Kris Jenner’s insistence to put his own young daughters into her money making whore machine. He allowed his little girls to become sexualized prepubescent TV personalities and models, pulled from school entirely to sell cosmetics and their budding tits in bikinis. Eventually, his teen girls were pushed out to the clubs, shot in more and more revealing wardrobes, their days spent on social media and nights spent underaged banging older rappers and calling it publicity wonderful. Good dads don’t allow that shit. Great dads don’t even allow that in theory. I don’t care if your confounding inner vagina is causing you all kinds of personal pain, you put your shit to the side and take care of your girls. What kind of man, or woman, are you?
Photo gallery: Getty Images
By Matt April 28, 2015 @ 8:05 AM
Bill Belichick was bustted checking out Chrissy Teigen’s ass at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, a yearly gig where the President books future talk show appearances and actors and models feel vindicated for writing me-too political shit on their Twitter feeds. John Legend Tweeted the photo because it’s not as if there are ever going to be moments of his wife winning science fairs. She has nice ass. That’s not nothing. When she asks you why you love her, just say sweet and smart. She’ll know you mean ass but you won’t have to sleep on the couch. On the plus side, Belichick took a step closer to being human, even though he is clearly devising the most methodical way to rub one out later. I think you dropped something, Mrs. Glory Singer. Where are my blockers?
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt April 28, 2015 @ 7:34 AM
Demi Lovato dedicated her song Warrior to Bruce Jenner while on tour in New Zealand for having the courage to promote a stupid reality show where the season finale will culminate with him wearing a dress and baking a cobbler. Jenner puts our men and women in uniform to shame with his super ballsy shaved trachea. Lovato was really impressed:
“I just want to dedicate this song… It’s so cheesy that I’m even doing this, but fuck it, whatever. I want to dedicate it to someone who became an even bigger hero last night: Bruce Jenner!”
Note that Lovato already considered Jenner a hero. One might think this was in reference to his Olympic gold medal, but nobody under twice Lovato’s age has any real recollection of Bruce Jenner the athlete. You know the Jenner who shuffles around his house while his step children get pounded raw on camera in the room upstairs. Less of a hero than a creepy sap with problems like the rest of us, though slightly different. I demand a little more of my heroes, like that they not be a cast member on a show which is drowning American culture in a pool of lube and fragrances. Also, maybe they didn’t kill anybody in a car crash recently. Martin Luther King’s family might write you a letter for a shoutout at your next concert.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt April 28, 2015 @ 7:06 AM
A Russian court sentenced three chicks to a couple weeks in jail because they made a video which shows them twerking next to a World War II monument. Of the five in the video, two were spared because of poor health, which reaffirms my belief that you should always wear a condom with chicks from the Soviet Bloc because they probably have the Krokodil AIDS. The girls were charged with buying their first 80′s Casio keyboard and hooliganism which is Russian for some nosy bitch with old KGB connections made us do shit. Prosecutors are also planning to charge the parents of one of the girls for:
“The failure to encourage the physical, intellectual, physiological, spiritual and moral development of a child.”
My money says it’s the fat one. We could use laws like this stateside. Put Bruce Jenner in the joint where he can be free to express himself through heavy handed monologues and win a shit load of Emmys. Those soldiers would have appreciated that tight little body. Maybe more so than your Draconian police state. Russia is fighting an uphill battle. Hide your wife, they’re coming and their gold chains are blinding.
By Matt April 28, 2015 @ 6:32 AM
UFC fighter Jon Jones allegedly ran a red light in New Mexico and slammed into a pregnant woman’s car which was really fucked up because he was already having a rough day and really didn’t need the headache. He reportedly got out of his car and ran into the hills, then returned to grab a large handful of cash and jump over a fence and run away to hang with the other Beagle Boys. In the car police found some pot and a pipe. It’s interesting Jones returned for the money but not the pot, both of which are extremely rare in New Mexico but as of now money is still legal while pot isn’t. Police reportedly called Jones several times but he was unable to get reception in his bear den. This looks pretty bad. Jones’ best bet is to turn himself in, then break out of prison and climb a large building and be shot down by helicopter. A word to the wise: Don’t hang out with him. Maybe read the bible again.
Photo Credit: Twitter