Sophie Simmons Inspires

By Lex March 02, 2015 @ 10:37 AM

Sophie Simmons Black And White Covered Topless In Galore Magazine
Just like her dad made it okay to be an indignant asshole, Sophie Simmons is hoping her plus sized modeling will let women feel okay about being a buck sixty and strapping into kinky lingerie. I’m just glad she found a purpose larger than herself. Sophie recently lost ten pounds and her chronic vagina rash by giving up tuna and pecans. If tuna and pecans are not a substantial part of your diet because you don’t live in a terrarium beneath Trader Joe’s, you could try doughnuts and baked ziti and hope for similar results.

Photo Credit: Galore Magazine

Kelly Osbourne Quit

By Lex March 02, 2015 @ 9:24 AM


Kelly Osbourne finally quit the E! channel’s riveting dry snatch klatch, Fashion Police. Osbourne decided to take a stand against not particularly offensive teleprompter comments read by her dancing Sinbad skeleton show partner, Giuliana Rancic. Last week Osbourne insisted that Rancic power up up with a Diet Shasta and issue an on-air apology to the not black girl who was offended by not racist comments about her not real hair. Rancic humbled herself because her parents aren’t rich and she needs the gig, then Osbourne quit anyhow.

Sharon Osbourne expressed tremendous respect for her daughter’s decision. The kind of respect that can only be felt by a mother who’s raised two sickly alcohol and drug addicted children and speaks to them primarily through Tweets:

@KellyOsbourne, I am so proud of you. You can never be bought. You always wear your heart on your sleeve. #ProudToBeYourMum

I’m pretty sure that’s vomit on her sleeve. But mom’s are prone to bias. Most people familiar with the show are suggesting Osbourne had issues with the producers since returning without Dead Joan Rivers and Osbourne was just using the Zendaya Coleman hair fury as cover to quit. While most people in general agreed they don’t give a shit and won’t miss her.

All The Big Names in Haggery Came Out for Parental Equality

By Lex March 02, 2015 @ 9:04 AM

If there’s anybody who can speak to the need for gay parents, it’s a coven of surgically altered witches who’ve fucked up their kids with booze and pills and divorce and a haunting desire for fame. They ought to spell themselves back in time and hand over their newborns to the nearest male male couple with a designer crib and a dream. I can’t imagine the sexuality of parents matters much to kids growing up. Not as much as access to premium cable and money for braces. By the time you realize what your dads are doing in that bedroom with the never enter without knocking rule, you’re already into sports and siphoning off their weed stash slowly so they don’t notice. Lea Michele showed off her small tits just in case you had doubts about something.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/INF

Lupita Nyong’o’s Gown Depreciates

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 8:05 AM


Whoever stole Lupita Nyongo’s pearl studded Calvin Klein gown from her hotel room returned it in a garbage bag after realizing they’d been duped into thinking it was easy money. The dress was worth $150,000 because it contained “6,000 alabaster akoya pearls” according to a bunch of lying publicists. Turns out the pearls were made of plastic as you’d expect if you weren’t still behaving like a retarded child who believes in mermaids. I’m curious how they arrived at $150,000. The actual paint on the Mona Lisa can’t be worth more than thirty bucks with inflation but that’s a work of art. This is a bridesmaid dress a guy in a scarf took a glue gun to. Brands lie to sell bullshit. Apply the story of this dress to every item at the mall and then dust off your tennis rackets. You’ll be dead in fifty years, do some laundry and spend the leftover money running up massive bar tabs. You’ll thank me later.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Demi Lovato Thigh Gap Speaks

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 7:33 AM


Demi Lovato posted a photo of her pubic mound along with some self-inspired musings about having a healthy body image and followed it with a bunch of pics of herself psychotically working out at the gym after she had a bite of cheesecake:

“Regardless of what society tells you these days… You don’t have to have a thigh gap to be beautiful. It is possible to love your body the way it is. #fitness #health #acceptance #selflove… Don’t train to be skinny, train to be a #badass”

I don’t remember anyone ever saying you had to have a thigh gap to be beautiful. In fact I’ve only heard the term mentioned by stocky chicks and a chorus of the black dudes and neck beards cheering them on while trying to bang them. Also if you love your body the way it is why commit to countless hours at the gym? The whole point of working out is to change your body. Chicks who love themselves unconditionally are typically entitled nightmares who have flabby asses because their faces are pretty. Self loathing Bugs Bunny looking chicks have stripper bodies and are dead inside. Then there’s your average cool normal chick you see in the movies. Regardless, Lovato deserves a pat on the back because her thighs healthfully squish her vagina. If you happened to be born taller than her you don’t know what love is.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Cindy Crawford Too Real

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 7:07 AM


The photographer who took this leaked photo of Cindy Crawford claims it was stolen and then photoshopped to make Crawford look past her prime. Also, he concluded that the cops framed OJ. The photographer’s hired a lawyer to send out cease and desist letters to news outlets and the fugly women who use this as their screensaver. Fuck, I’ll be getting two.

This is a slap in the gut to the chorus of Mercer Island lesbians who were empowered by this because they’ve confused being unattractive with making a social statement. Crawford is 49 and has two kids. Nobody expects her to be carved out of marble. It’s some people’s job to look perfect. They’re called models. When they take a fairly revolting photo they normally have the sim card heel crushed by a German porn star and then they mechanically pose in a supine position for hours until they capture the lighting that negates whatever happened here. They cry and post it to Instagram in an attempt to set the record straight.

Crawford is ashamed at what the women’s rights crowd considers real. Because what they consider real is someone at their worst. Both taut sex objects and those confined to a futon have social security cards. That’s the secret. You’re all real. Some are just hotter than others. Have some integrity and gain some more weight. We’re drinking beer at the softball park and liberating the shit out of ourselves.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kevin Federline Also Now a DJ

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 6:32 AM


Kevin Federline is the latest washed up tabloid scrub to professionally take up the hobby of DJing. Federline is apparently making a grand per night plus all the Totino’s Pizza Rolls he can eat playing shows at Heat Ultra Lounge in Orange County. This should come as a surprise to most of the patrons who will show up pissed there’s a cover. It’s the seven chicks who actually came early you’ll need to be weary of. Pepper spray them now before they hound your for Britney Spears tickets before pocketing your iPod. I’d like to visit a club where the whole staff is comprised of reality show trash. Federline can DJ, Nicole Ritchie can bartend and John Gosselin will mop up whatever Brandi Glanville has dripped onto the floors. Like a Jack Rabbit Slims except the people aren’t dead quite yet. I’d DJ for a thousand bucks as long as I can take smoke breaks every fifteen minutes and pretend I’m texting someone while I play minesweeper. Can I bum a cig?

Photo Credit:

Paris Hilton’s Stalker A Keeper

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 6:07 AM


Paris Hilton has a stalker named Johnny Rock Page who enjoys dressing up in motorcycle gear and calling himself a pro racer. He recently got into Hilton’s gated community by saying he was a flower delivery guy at which point he scared the shit out of Hilton and she asked the number for 911. Page had come to deliver a Cadillac to her which he bought as a gift. He’s also mailed her a wedding dress and had two separate aerial banner flown over her house which read:

“Can’t Get Paris Whitney Hilton Out of My Mind… Mr. & Mrs. Hilton, may I court your daughter Paris?”

The Cadillac sat on the street and then someone came and bashed out all the windows. Page denied being the culprit in a letter he hand pasted from magazine scraps. Page also has two daughters who are going to have to transfer schools now. The oldest rule in the book is chicks don’t like a dude who seems desperate. He could have been inside her already if he’d just called her fat or read her Wiki page out loud.

Photo Credit: Twitter