This is the third official Cannes Film Festival for Sharon Stone’s latest version tits. Not bad for rentals really. Sharon barely made it through customs as European countries continue to crackdown on the transporting of freshly drawn children’s blood from which Sharon draws her life sustaining force. Next stop for Sharon, the Venice Film Festival followed by death.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, WENN
Doug Hutchison took Courtney Stodden to Disneyland to celebrate the 2nd anniversary of his first statutory rape. The 50-something Doug is quick to point out he first fell in love with Courtney online before he even knew her precise grade in high school. The two would talk quite innocently for hours in a chatroom about acting and artistic inspiration and how good Doug’s dick would feel inside Courtney’s still developing body. Courtney’s mom monitored all of her daughters chats with Doug, as well as carefully investigating the future net worth of his SAG residuals from Lost. In the end, she gave her approval and thanks to the more lenient laws of the State of Nevada, the two were united in matrimony. There really is no sweeter love than that between an older man who can only get it up for teen girls and any random teenage girl willing to let him have sex with her. Congratulations, you two.
Photo Credit: WENN
I have this buddy who dates lots of models. Let’s call him Chad, even though his real name is Mark. Chad likes to bitch about how boring and self-absorbed these models are. We like to punch Chad and call him a homo and then ironically beg him for tales of crazy sex with these models because we’re insanely jealous. It’s not easy being a man. We get no Oprah to discuss our complicated feelings, feelings like wanting to get laid, wondering when we’ll get laid next, and lamenting how we’re supposed to get laid with guys like Chad stealing more than his fair share.
Here’s Emily Ratajkowski modeling for Surfline. Men go to war over girls like Emily, except for the one man banging her who just wants to stay home and talks about the benefits of peace.
Photo Credit: Surfline
Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio could have Fran Drescher’s voice and Amanda Bynes’ brain and she’d probably still be invited to everything from the Cannes Film Festival to the birth of Jesus because of her amazing ability to stand in one place and look gorgeous. Alessandra attended last night’s De Grisogono party at Cannes, probably just because the company’s founder, Fawaz Gruosi, wanted to take a picture with her and post later on his Facebook that he totally banged her.
Also at the party was Paris Hilton, who still shows up to these A-list events because I assume people just gave up at telling her to fuck off. But if Alessandra were smart, she would have stood next to Paris until everyone there eventually named her the most beautiful woman on Earth.
(Photo Credits: Getty)
I once saw a stripper fire a ping pong ball out of her cooch and dead-on through a Nerf basketball hoop. She shot 80%. A real crowd pleaser. I asked her what other tricks she knew. She asked me why the fuck she would need any other tricks. Advantage Kayley.
Here’s Heather Graham looking still amazing at The Hangover 3 premiere. I guess they’re going to keep making this same movie until people stop hooting and throwing dollar bills at its vagina.
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A lot of people have been complaining that it was completely unnecessary for Alice Eve to have to strip down to her underwear in one scene during the new film, Star Trek Into Darkness, enough that the film’s writer, Damon Lindelof, found it necessary to apologize for it on Monday. Of the outrage over an attractive woman in underwear for a whole three seconds, Lindelof Tweeted, “I copped to the fact that we should have done a better job of not being gratuitous in our representation of a barely clothed actress.”
He also claimed that the film’s star, Chris Pine, had appeared shirtless several times in both Star Trek films, but that didn’t really help his cause. The only real solution is to have Kirstie Alley reprise her role as Saavik in the next Star Trek film and wear nothing but a thong. Then people can really decide which is more offensive.
Jacqueline Simpson is a big time Gospel singer. So big, I couldn’t find any mention of her anywhere on the Internet. Except for the fact that she’s suing McDonald’s because she allegedly swallowed some glass in her Chicken Sandwich and it fucked up her singing voice. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, either way, if I’m on the jury, I nullify. Short of non-Chinese human child organs, there’s nothing really you shouldn’t expect to find in your 99-cent anything sandwich at McDonald’s. It’s not food. It’s food-esque. Glass is probably the most natural substance in your meal. Not saying you want a bottle shard with every bite, but you have to accept some level of risk when you want three day’s worth of piping hot kilocalories for the change in your pocket. Old people and fat people need to stop suing McDonald’s, because it’s your very best friend.
When you give everyone an unfiltered open forum like Twitter, you’re bound to come across a few assholes, and while most of them spend their 140 characters bitching about politics or sports, some end up being just a little more psychotic than others. For instance, a guy named Nicholas Fiore has Tweeted at Ashley Tisdale (seen above confusing the Scary Movie 5 premiere with the Oscars) more than 18,000 times in two years, and according to the actress, he has threatened to shoot her and her boyfriend.
However, per TMZ, despite the threats and Ashley’s claims that Nicholas has been to her home at least twice, a Los Angeles County Superior Court judge only granted a temporary 100-yard restraining order, as opposed to the 5,000-yards she was asking for. That means it is possible that the judge has seen Scary Movie 5.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
