By Lex May 23, 2013 @ 6:30 PM
“I want that jury to know that each and every one of you are mentally fucking retarded, and you should be euthanized because, as Darwin said, you have naturally selected yourself. They should all be lined up and shot!” — Joe Francis to The Hollywood Reporter
Joe Francis speaks from the heart. Like suggesting the jurors who found him guilty of imprisonment and assault should be killed. His crime itself is really no worse than jaywalking if you jaywalked while also imprisoning and assaulting a couple women. But, now, after considering the consequences of shit talking a court jury prior to sentencing, Joe Francis has come to his senses. Or his attorney has come to Joe’s senses and got him to issue an apology letter for calling all the jury members a bunch of retards who deserved to die. And rightfully so. Anybody’s who’s ever served on a jury know they tend to run no more than 50% retard.
By Jack May 23, 2013 @ 5:12 PM
Amanda Seyfried has a strange theory about her incredible shrinking tits: It’s Hollywood’s fault. This would seem counter-intuitive as Hollywood usually prefers their titties off the Big and Beefy menu. When she was a youngin’, in such films as Mean Girls and that show where Bill Paxton is a polygamist, she says her hooters were glorious. She told noted breast aficionado Ellen Degeneres:
”I looked way better when I was 15. I had beautiful huge breasts and then I came to Hollywood and I was like, ‘I got to lose weight. I got to look thin and fit.’ And I lost them a little bit.”
It is a bit of a paradox, isn’t it? Hollywood wants actresses to both have giant tits and yet be Karen Carpenter thin. I guess that’s why God invented breast implants. Fret now, Amanda. Half a cup size isn’t going to deter me from holding up the DVD cover of Mama Mia with one hand.
By Lex May 23, 2013 @ 4:58 PM
My dad never showed up to my Little League games. I always thought it was because he was too busy and he didn’t love me. But he confessed to me that he didn’t show up because I sucked and he was embarrassed. That was a relief. Every parent is somewhere on the supportive scale. From the ones who leave their babies in dumpsters all the way up to Beverly Hills Housewife Yolanda Foster who helped her seventeen year old daughter get topless on the set of a photoshoot this week. Her mom was there when she needed her most. Somebody’s got to unstrap your top for the cameras and tell you this is what daddy would’ve wanted. Remember when Coco had to do her first topless photoshoot all alone? She could’ve used a mom like Yolanda.
Photo Credit: INF
By Jack May 23, 2013 @ 4:31 PM
Human trainwreck Amanda Bynes was kicked off of a private jet this week because her license is suspended. Turns out TSA won’t let you fly without a valid ID. Fuck, Who knew? When the pilot demanded her license, Amanda Bynes told him to Google ‘Amanda Bynes’. Because I guess a web search is somehow a valid form of identification. So, they kicked her beast-like face off the plane. Amanda plead not guilty to driving with a suspended license just six months ago. You’d think the idea of ID-less travel would have sunk into her brain. Right next to the oxy bursts and the growing lesions.
By Lex May 23, 2013 @ 3:47 PM
I guess Janet Jackson being a billionaire is a big story. Even though it’s not exactly true. Still she’s got herself a nice chunk of change and I think should finally seal the deal on the fact that beating your kids will absolutely make them more successful as adults. Doesn’t mean you have to bring out the switch and make them dance, but, if you do, they will be able to afford to take care of you nicely in your golden years. If you’re worried it’s too late, fear not. Just beat them harder to make up for the lost years. Once they’re bigger than you, it’ll be too late.
By Lex May 23, 2013 @ 2:38 PM
I fucking love meat. Nose to tail. When I’m sitting at IHOP eating my side of sausage, all I can think about his how fucking awesome pork tastes while wishing I could slaughter whole hogs with my bare hands. One over the snout, one wrenched around their thick neck, and roll hard to the right. I’m not your best candidate for PETA. But in the presence of any naked or nearly naked woman begging me to stop using animals for my only earthly needs, I’d buckle fast. This is why PETA is smart. Just not smart enough to defeat primal instinct. So now I get to look at this busty chick mostly naked while eating a side of sausage. The good guys win again.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, INF, PCN, WENN
By Lex May 23, 2013 @ 1:45 PM
It’s a scientific fact that girlfriends who are crazy sex fiends are also just plain crazy. Not all of them will murder you bloody in the shower like Jodi Arias did her boyfriend who thought he lucked into a hot piece of crazy tail. Some will just bang all your coworkers then laugh hysterically. Others might empty your bank account and blow it all on designer cats they toss from their speeding car. And then laugh hysterically. In all cases, you will wind up wishing you’d been butchered in the shower.
Before Jodi Arias gets marched out into the desert and shot or however they off death row prisoners in Arizona, she wants the jury to know that if she’s allowed to live, she’ll start a recycling program in prison. Had she tried this random save in an L.A. courtroom, not only would her life be spared, she’d be released from prison entirely, heralded in song on the shoulders of an environmentally grateful jury of her peers. We fucking love recycling in L.A. It’s the leading religion. Too bad for Jodi she blew her gasket in Arizona. She’s off to meet her maker.
By Lex May 23, 2013 @ 1:11 PM
Certain women can pull off the close cropped hair thing. Certain women can not. Here’s Larry Fishburne in bra and panties on the beach in L.A. He’s lost weight.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet