Olivia Munn photographs well. You can’t see any of the circle or bags or other such shit she’s acquired since leaving G4 and venturing out into the world of mostly really terrible movies and network television. Can’t blame a girl for wanting to get paid. Check out Esquire magazine if you want to pretend to read all the crazy fun stuff Olivia has to say while you mostly just look at her tits.
Photo Credit: Esquire
Paris Hilton doesn’t have time for kissing. Snort, suck, hump, and a love splash in the good eye. That’s all the modern blonde heiress needs to keep her batteries charged. Especially when you’re on a busy club promotional schedule like Paris is in Cannes. But this high school boy she totes around like a purse dog keeps going Happy Days on her at their every port of call. Even Paris knows the golden rule — you don’t kiss a porn star. If that’s your plan for hiding from The Herp, you are sadly mistaken, son.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
Michelle Heaton is a British pop singer, on the off chance you’re not a teenage girl, or British, or the guy catfishing me on Gchat who pretends to be a British teenage girl. He’s really good. She also has that same mutated gene Angelina Jolie does. And she also cut off her boobs, just last December. She’s already showing off her rebuilts in Miami shooting a reality fitness show for English TV. Based upon my early exhaustive manual research, I’m going to say Angelina is going to be okay.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Here’s a tribute to Michelle’s cleavage prior to her mutation:
Kanye West was doing that thing he does where he tries really hard to be controversial on Saturday Night Live last weekend. He sang a couple of songs from his new album one of which is called New Slaves. It’s about how the prison system is like a new form of slavery. Hence the articulately titled New Slaves. It was shot mostly as a tight close-up of him with images of the Ku Klux Klan and whatnot projected behind him. Lots of white people are in the Klan it seems. I think my dentist is, and I’m positive the guy at the gym who always says they’re out of towels is a Lesser Grand Wizard. He’s Chinese, but best believe he’s keeping Kanye down too. I’m certain there’s a shitload of problems with the U.S. justice system and prisons. I’m equally as certain Kanye doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. Putting poorly thought out notions to music doesn’t suddenly make them compelling. Now give me something I can tap my feet to and shut the fuck up.
There’s nothing wrong with being the spastic bony girl with scoliosis who’s not horrible looking. Personally, I dated nothing but in high school. By senior year, I could unclasp a bra wrenched beneath a corrective back brace with a single hand. That impressed the shit out of many mid-tier state school recruiters. Still, I keep feeling this whole Miley Cyrus is the worlds hottest woman meme is some kind of wicked high school prank by Maxim to get Miley all dressed up for the prom only to be doused with a bucket full of pig’s blood. After Miley mind-explodes the mom from Eight is Enough, she’ll probably pyro up Maxim. Nobody will bother to grab a hose.
I feel like every single movie shown at Cannes is about a boy in a war torn nation trying to find a decent pair of shoes for his sister. I could be wrong, but at least half are for sure. Whenever I see a film marketed as having won the Golden Sunshine Award or whatever is they give out there, I know it’s going to be a snoozer. I also know I’m going to have to tell everybody I saw it and how amazing it was. That’s not a question of fitting in here in L.A., that’s a question of ever getting laid here.
Here’s Rosario Dawson in a slit dress that showed off too much. Or exactly what she thought I suppose as the team that dressed her surely noticed. It’s close to the same dress Eva Longoria wore over the weekend up the same steps when she flashed her tampon. I guess to let guys know she’s still fertile. Kind of primal, but I like it.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, Getty, PCN
Lindsay Lohan is being countersued by clothing manufacturer D.N.A.M. for fucking up her own clothing line. Not due to the clothes being both ugly and slutty, but because no one wants to buy a clothing line with a junkie’s name on it. In 2009 Lindsay signed a contract with D.N.A.M. to make her 6126 apparel brand. They tried to get it into stores but by then Lindsay was in rehab and no one was buying shit for teen girls with her name behind it. Lindsay sued them for not making her money which she could use to buy more cocaine that she would deny ever snorting in an interview with Piers Morgan four years hence. Now, they’re suing back because Lindsay was the world’s worst spokesperson for her own brand. I can’t help but feel that if I were on the jury in this case, I’d exit the box to punch a lot of people in the courtroom.
I remain convinced that watching any show on Bravo! or E! will send even the straightest of men marching toward a truck stop glory hole to discover the fabulous world of cock. Maybe you were born that way, and Tabitha Takes Over merely unleashed the real you, but I’m not taking any chances. Which is sad for me. Because I’m surely missing out on a lot in life, like absolutely nothing I can think of that’s important.
Here’s Joanna Krupa. She’s neither real or a housewife, but she’s one of the stars of the Bravo! series Real Housewives of some city with great establishing shots of boats. It’s hard to imagine that watching Joanna Krupa on TV might make you gay. But that’s how insidious this conspiracy is.
Photo Credit: WENN
