Here's something to bear in mind in the current zeitgeist. When you do something gross, it's gross. When somebody in a protected class does something gross, it's free expression. That includes pornography.

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Dakota Johnson forgot to wear a bra with a titacular dress at the Fifty Shades Darker premiere. Titacular is not a real word, Fifty Shades Darker is not a real movie. There is no end to the world of... READ MORE

Men love porn. Women love shit that is exactly the same as porn but has more socially acceptable names. Like outlet shopping or mocha anything. READ MORE

Sex with the same partner over and over again is pretty fucking boring. That's why no man conducted himself thusly for the first 99.9% of human history. Monogamy cries out to invent shit like leather straps and ball gags... READ MORE

I don’t ask a lot from my sex movies. I do politely request that the chicks have bigger tits than the dudes, but I’m not a child who believes all pornography was shot just for him. It’s about Melanie... READ MORE

The entire reason for attractive people to get married is to make good looking daughters. All those fights and cheating and acrimonious divorces and hate-filled boozed up evenings are the small sacrifice for making hot girls with minimal wisdom... READ MORE

Even though the film about ass spanking couldn’t find an actress with an ass, I’m feeling pretty optimistic about Fifty Shades of Grey. Twenty million suburban housewives simultaneously flicking their beans can’t possibly be wrong. Remember when those same... READ MORE

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I tried getting my lady to submit to my dominance one time. For my efforts I received a fist punch to the sac and having to listen to her giggle to her girlfriend on the phone about how stupid... READ MORE