Jamie Grubbs was among the first to be named on the list of girls Tiger Woods was cheating on his wife with, and she’s the one who had her text messages from Tiger published by Us magazine, and now she’s the one in a bikini for the Aussie magazine ‘Ralph’. In fact she’s on the cover.
Once she see’s this, Lindsay Lohan will no doubt say she had sex with him too. And then Paris Hilton will write a book called, “My Lover, Tyler Woods”. And then Tila Tequila will say she and Tiger were actually engaged and then she’ll take pictures of herself in tears while she lays a tennis racket on his grave.
OK Go has become famous for their single-shot videos, and their treadmill video for ‘Here It Goes Again’ has almost 50 million views on youtube, making it one of the most popular videos ever (just behind the sneezing panda but ahead of that goofy little dick on his way home from the dentist).
Needless to say, following something so famous was gonna be hard. The most obvious way would be to dress like a high school marching band in a field and have the wind and horn section in sniper camouflage. And so that’s what they did. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it.
Tiger Woods is one of the most famous people on earth, but he hasn’t been seen in public for almost two months, ever since his 2:30am car crash on November 28th. Rumors have had him hiding out everywhere from Sweden to Arizona to Long Island to the middle of the Atlantic on his yacht, but 5 days ago I got word from a source that he was at a sex rehab clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. It was only a rumor, and a crazy sounding one at that, but now (cue dramatic “DUN-DUN-DUN” music) I have the proof!
They don’t just hand out websites you know. As a universally respected journalist and sex symbol, I have contacts everywhere and my sources have infiltrated every corner of Hollywood, so I can’t reveal where this picture came from, but it’s the real deal. It’s Tiger Woods at the sex rehab. The only question now is where I should put all the “Worlds Best Reporter” trophies I’m bound to win.
THREATENING UPDATE – so the original picture had to be taken down because the national enquirer owns it, but it sort of looked like the new one that I made taking a picture of tiger and a picture of the rehab and combining them and then making them blurry. so this is what it looked like, except mine is even better because of how handsome he looks in his fancy tuxedo.
Mariah Carey was one of the few women who looked even remotely attractive at Sunday nights Golden Globe awards, so she’s understandably perplexed by people criticizing her dress as too provocative.
“I dressed very conservatively. My dress was long and my shoulders were covered. I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”
Mariah is right, and if I had been there I would have shared her defiance. “This is ridiculous. She looks lovely and has absolutely nothing to apologize for,” I would have said while pretending not to stare at her tits.
CONAN O’BRIEN - is close to signing a 40 million dollar settlement with NBC to walk away from the Tonight Show, but as part of the deal he can’t insult NBC any more. If he does continue to make fun of them, NBC swears to God it’ll tell the teacher and then Conan is gonna be in so much trouble. (wsj)
BRITNEY SPEARS - might be crazy again, and her dad is threatening to send her back to a mental ward. Unfortunately his thick accent made “mental ward” sound like “menaward”, so Britney was sent to the GQ Mens Award show. That probably won’t help. (national enquirer)
KIM KARDASHIAN - shot down a rumor that she would get engaged to Reggie Bush if the New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl, but the Minnesota Vikings insist it’s true. “That bitch is lying,” they said. “Reggie should stay out in LA and follow her around all night if that’s what it takes.” (us.com)
BAM MARGERA - is doing porn now. Or something. I’ll be honest I got as far as “Porn” and “Bam Mar…” before getting disgusted. (foundry)
LEONARDO DICAPRIO - is back together with Bar Refaeli apparently, because they went to a Laker game last night. I didn’t even know they had broken up. What else have you been hiding from me you son of a bitch! (splash news online)
It seems hard to believe that a mom is allowed to walk around in public with her child, a young girl no less, while dressed in … whatever the hell that is. Granted you can’t actually see Shauna Sands kitty or her tits, but certainly not for lack of trying. This combination of blatant whoring and children feels wrong and perverted on every level. It would be like if roofies came in a gummy shaped like a turtle.
Last night David Letterman read some quotes from Dick Ebersol, who has been an exec at NBC since the early 70‘s and head of NBC Sports since 1989. He’s mostly known as a fuckup who doesn’t have any sports in his sports department. Under him NBC lost NASCAR, the NBA, MLB, and just a few months ago lost all college football bowl games until at least 2015. The NFL had been on NBC since 1939, but he lost them in 1997 when the AFC moved to CBS.
His notable achievements include the Olympics (NBC is expected to lose 200 million in the Winter Olympics beginning next month), the XFL (the game on March 31, 2000 was the lowest rated prime time show ever) and an exclusive contract with Notre Dame football that began in 1988. Notre Dame has been ranked in the top 10 just once since 1994, but Ebersol signed a new contract last year to renew the deal and pay them somewhere between 9-15 million a year through 2015.
So how does someone like this keep his job? By endless ass kissing of course. In an article with the tagline, “NBC’s Ebersol defends Leno and Zucker”, The New York Times says…
Referring to the pointed jokes made this week by Mr. O’Brien and David Letterman of CBS, Mr. Ebersol said it was “chicken-hearted and gutless to blame a guy you couldn’t beat in the ratings.”
He added that “what this is really all about is an astounding failure by Conan.”
“He was just stubborn about not being willing to broaden the appeal of his show … we bet on the wrong guy.”
There’s literally no one on earth less qualified to criticize Conan when it comes to his ability to get ratings and make a profitable TV show. Ebersol even created an entire channel devoted only to sports like bobsled, luge and rowing. That might be the single dumbest idea anyone, be it an individual or group, has ever had, under any context, at any time past or present on planet Earth. I wouldn’t advertise on a channel focusing on bobsleds even if I owned a company that made bobsleds AND the ads were free. Because what’s the point?
Whitney Port of the MTV shows “The Hills” and “The City” begged for attention yesterday in Miami, and she’s lucky it’s January or else she never would have made the cut. The only reason she won the bikini contest is because no one else entered. All these MTV girls are so plain and boring that after just a few seconds you forget you’re even looking at a girl, so this won’t be great but it’s better than nothing. That’s the same mentality people use when they have sex with animals by the way. I’m not positive WTF that means but I’m pretty sure it’s a brilliant analogy to Whitney Port bikini pictures.