On Monday I was whining because Jessica Alba, Megan Fox, Scarlett Johannson and others used to make every days pictures a sexy journey of erotic delights, where desire leads to obsession, and obsession leads to madness. I said that wave has pretty much come and gone and no hot new bitch had replaced any of them. But then a few emails suggested Vanessa Hudgens, and luckily they were right.
Right on cue, here she is leaving a gym yesterday with no bra. This bitch is sexy, and she has really pretty skin. I bet she’d be really flattered to know that if I were a serial killer, she’d be my first choice to skin and make a dress out of. Oh that’s right, Vanessa. Number 1.
Two weeks ago Paris Hilton was topless on a yacht in Italy (4 new pics start here), and last night she was at a party in West Hollywood for the launch of her perfume Tease, and somehow between then and now she grew fantastic tits.
This is why guys hate girls. You meet them and it’s all a god damn lie (like this scene from ‘I’m Gonna Git You Sucka’). 10 days ago she was flat as a board, nothing has changed since then, but you’d think she has D’s. Not even a fucking werewolf changes this much at night.
COUGAR TOWN – was created by Bill Lawrence (he also created ‘Scrubs’ and ‘Spin City’) and I was genuinely astonished to discover it’s a funny show. Christa Miller really knows how to deliver a line, as you can see in the clip above. Point being, Lawrence says Sarah Chalke, Zach Braff, John C. McGinley, Donald Faison or Judy Reyes (all of ‘Scrubs’) will be on ‘Town’ this year. I don’t really care about this, I just like that clip of Christa. No one actually reads this shit, do they? (e!)
JANE LYNCH – of ‘Glee’ will host SNL next season. I’ve never seen ‘Glee’ but she was great in ‘Arrested Development’ and ‘Party Down’ before some dickhead canceled those shows. She’s a real anomaly in Hollywood because she’s successful and talented. Jack Black better fucking pray that trend doesn’t catch on. (people)
RHYS DARBY – isn’t famous but he was the bands manager in ‘Flight of the Conchords’ and he’s a leading candidate to replace Steve Carell on ‘the Office’. So now I’m all pissy because in the last 20 seconds I’ve been reminded of 3 great comedies that got canceled while unwatchable shit like ‘Two and A Half Men’ goes on forever. If I was locked in a room with a TV in a cage showing ‘Two’, and there was a knife and a remote control and I was told I could only pick up one, I’d slit my own throat rather than roll the dice that the remote was some Saw-like trick. (ew)
TWITTER – Follow me. Or else. You see this dynamite? You see these hostages? Do you want them to die? (twitter)
SANDRA BULLOCK – was with Jesse James in Long Beach on Monday, the first time they’ve been seen together since their divorce in June. I don’t get this. He must be like that singing frog in the Bugs Bunny cartoon, entertaining as hell in private, because every time I see him I get so bored I forget I’m even watching TV. He starts talking, my eyes glaze over, then I snap out of it and wonder why it’s dark outside now. (story = radar, pictures of sandra at saturdays teen choice awards = wire image)
Pulitzer and 4-time Tony winning play ‘Rent’ began a run this week in LA at the Hollywood Bowl, directed by the annoyingly versatile Neil Patrick Harris and starring Nicole Scherzinger, Wayne Brady, and a guy who looks like Jermaine O’Neal back when he played for the Pacers. But the real star is Vanessa Hudgens and her ass.
Not only does she look great (holyfuckingshit) but she’s getting good reviews. Variety wrote, “Vanessa Hudgens gains points for holding nothing back in her high-octane singing and erotic dancing ordinarily not seen outside the confines of a gentlemen’s club.” And the LA Times said, “there’s no telling how good she might be on stage with more experience.”
My goodness, who would have thought Vanessa was gonna be the real thing? Me, that’s who. That’s why the Vanessa sex doll I made has brushable hair and 3 working orifices.
Bar Refaeli and boyfriend Leonardo Dicaprio are on a yacht off the coast of Sardinia today with Naomi Campbell and her Russian billionaire boyfriend, and they went diving in front of the paparazzi because it was easier than mailing everyone a pistol with reasons and instructions on how to kill yourself.
Victoria Secret supermodels Candice Swanepoel, Chanel Iman, and Erin Heatherton premiered the ‘Incredible by Victoria’s Sectret’ clothing line in New York City today, and vindicated what every movie from the 60′s said we would be wearing in 2010. Skin tight jigsaw day-glo stripes and go-go boots. All that’s missing is a fishbowl on their head and a gun that says ZAP in lightning bolt letters when you fire it.
The UK magazine Nuts has a few blurry still pictures of Kelly Brook swimming naked in ‘Piranha 3D’ (probably with porn star Riley Steele because they shot bikini scenes for this last June, pictures here) and this movie is doing the right thing by leaking parts of this scene. It’s Kelly Brook. Naked. In 3D. That’s big news.
I just hope it’s in 3D when they release it on blu-ray too, because, at least in America, you can’t masturbate at a blood-soaked horror movie without everyone judging you.
It’s hard to deny that the sheriff of LA county is a pussy who loves celebrities and goes out of his way to make sure the law doesn’t apply to them, and today there is yet another story about the fancy treatment Lindsay Lohan got to prove it.
Radar spoke to a woman named Katie who arrived at the same jail the same day for the same crime as Lindsay. Surely they received the same treatment, right?
“She spent a lot of time in her cell, but she also went to the medical clinic several times a day.”
This is where Lindsay would watch a private TV and use the phone, a claim also reported by the New York Daily News.
Lohan also got a brand new jail uniform everyday, while other inmates just got a clean pair once a week – if they were lucky.
“One employee of the jail had to spend his day searching the entire place for any books by Ernest Hemmingway for Lindsay. Those are the only books she would read.”
Katie also says Lohan was granted her commissary order when she arrived to the jail on Tuesday, July 20 even though all orders are supposed to be placed by Monday night in order to receive them.
But no matter how hard he tries, jail is still jail, so after a few days Sheriff Lee Baca just lets famous people go home.
“I was sentenced to 30 days because of a violation of my probation for not attending an alcohol education class,” Katie says. “The same thing as Lindsay.
“Lindsay served 13 days out of her 90 day sentence whereas I had to serve 20 days for a much lesser sentence.”
So the celebrity served about 15 percent of her sentence, while the non famous piece of shit served closer to 70 percent, for the same crime. If there was one word to describe the sheriff, it would be “dickhead”. If there was two words, it would be “dickhead” twice.