Samantha Burke is the girl who will have another kid for Jude Law in about two months, the one who posted some Adult-Friend-Finder-worthy pictures of herself two weeks ago, but just because they’re not together anymore doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings for her. Or at least he might if he could remember who she was.
A close friend of Samantha’s tells E! exclusive details of the brief relationship between Law and the aspiring model. It all started once upon a time in a club:
“She met him at a club in New York,” says the friend. “He was sick, so she kept going to his hotel over the course of a week to take care of him.”
“Jude didn’t even remember her. She hasn’t seen him since New York. They’ve only been in contact through their lawyers.”
In this girls defense, she could almost certainly sell a story like this to the tabloids but so far she hasn’t. If they’ll carry on this way about John WhoTheFuckIsThat Gosselin for 6 months they could get at least a month out of her. Jude would be wise to make her happy, whatever that might cost. Believe me, you don’t want some model you banged coming up to your table while you have dinner with a new model, pulling up her shirt and screaming about “the baby.” Believe me I know. Be-lieve me. Really awkward.
Leann Rimes hasn’t had the greatest press in the world over the past few months, but if she thought walking around LA in some scandalous top was gonna help she was sadly mistaken. I don’t think it would kill her to get some huge implants or at least brush her goddamn hair. She sure as hell needs to color it, because as it is she looks like that flying dog thing from Never Ending Story (this).
It’s hard to even guess which one might be more insulted by that.
Considering how rich he is I always thought Kanye could do better than Amber Rose. She’s not that good looking and her haircut makes her look like she’s from the future, and she has that big ass which I find disgusting but I guess black guys love. The point to all this is that she looked surprisingly good yesterday on the beach in Miami. And by that I mean, “tits”.
This story is so fucked up it’s almost hard to comprehend. Thankfully TMZ writes at a level where you expect the story to have pop-up dinosaurs in it or furry swatches over drawings of a dog. The cliff notes are this:
- The body of a one-time Playboy model named Jasmine Fiore (above, right) was found in a trash bin, stuffed inside a suitcase, in Buena Park last Saturday morning.
- The suspect is a man named Ryan Jenkins, who was a finalist on the VH1 dating show, “Megan Wants a Millionaire.”
- The shows finale has not aired, but Jenkins was reportedly cut near the end. After he was cut, he went to Vegas, met Jasmine in a strip club, and married her two days later.
- Surprisingly, Jasmines roommate says their relationship was “on the rocks”. She also said that Jenkins told her he was “done with the relationship” and that “he couldn’t take it anymore”. This was one day after Jasmine was found in a dumpster.
- Jenkins is still on the run, and may be fleeing to Canada.
WENN had these pictures of Jasmine. She’s not very attractive, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to kill her. Legally, I mean.
Fox News says today that Michael Jackson’s personal physician, not the white one but the black one, will be charged with manslaughter within the next two weeks. But the white guy is screwed too.
Dr. Conrad Murray (has) admitted he gave Jackson propofol to help him sleep just hours before his death — and that propofol was at least a contributing factor in the his death.
The source initially said Murray could be arrested as soon as next Wednesday — but investigators have decided to execute one more search warrant, likely at a Los Angeles pharmacy, next week in an attempt to gather more evidence against him. The arrest is now expected the following week.
Jackson’s longtime dermatologist, Dr. Arnold Klein, will (also) be hit with charges related to medical malpractice. Investigators are still building their case against Klein, and he will not be arrested for at least another two weeks.
Wow these cops sure are friendly, what with all the advance notice and everything. That’s mighty neighborly of them. All this story was lacking was a quote where a cop said, “we just hope he doesn’t go to Brazil or something between now and then. People think we would be all over that kind of thing but we’re not really. There’s a guy called Joey Sleeves who could make him a fake passport no problem. His real last name is Kirkland but he wears shirts with the sleeves cut off so they call him Joey Sleeves. He lives over on Robertson.”
People are dumb so they’ll sometimes laugh at anything, even things that clearly aren’t funny, if they think they’ve just been told a joke. Watch any Robin Williams talk show appearance from 1978 until today and you’ll see what I mean. Or you could watch last nights Top 10 list, read by Britney in a bikini.
Top Ten Ways the Country Would be Different if Britney Spears Were President
10. I’d be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon.
9. We would only invade fun places like Cabo.
8. Free pie for everybody.
7. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas.
6. I’d lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance “Circus Fantasy.”
5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes.
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy.
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade.
2. Three words: Vice president Diddy.
1. Finally the media would pay some attention to me.
I dare you to find even one joke in there. You could just turn your keyboard face down then stand on it and whatever was typed would be funnier than this. This took me like 30 minutes, but I’m not a highly paid staff of professional joke writers so there:
10. Best tits in the White House since Nixon.
9. I would bring back Presidential assassinations for enemies of the state who threaten our way of life. People like Christina Aguilera and that blogger who called me fat.
8. Instead of big heavy guns we could give our soldiers umbrellas. I think you’d be surprised at how much damage you can do with one of those.
7. We wouldn’t waste money on things like situation rooms. Mostly because I don’t know what that is.
6. I saw a Bugs Bunny one time where Bugs blew up Daffy by making a girl duck out of cannonballs and dynamite. Maybe we can try that with bin Laden.
5. Press conferences wouldn’t feature the reporter standing up to ask a question any more if you know what I mean.
4. Based on precedent, I think America could go from a deficit to a huge surplus by marrying and then divorcing me.
3. That driveway in front of the White House is just made for a Starbucks.
2. (gestures towards her breasts) Not bad, right?
1. If my ratings drop I can always just kiss another girl again.
Have you ever had a girl that you could tell wasn’t actually hot but for some reason you found her sexy anyway? Maybe it was the voice or body or whatever but you desperately wanted to have sex with her even though you knew she wasn’t classically pretty. That’s what’s going on for me here. In the black dress. Hubba-hubba!
MICHAEL JACKSON – The AP confirms today he will be buried on August 29, but that “details about the ceremony have been tightly guarded.” They go on to confirm that Jackson will be buried in a private ceremony at Forest Lawn-Glendale on the Holly Terrace at the cemetery’s Great Mausoleum, about 8 miles north of downtown Los Angeles. What, no longitude and latitude? Wow, these details are closely guarded. (source = ap)
SEAN PENN – his wife has filed for divorce again. It’s the third time in 2 years they’ve filed paperwork for this. She must be crazy. Guys who can make strange comments about oil and war and then sulk about it don’t just grow on trees. (source = e!)
MICHELLE KEEGAN – I don’t put up very much eye candy for the ladies, so if you look past UK soap star Michelle Keegans huge breasts there’s a little sumpin-sumpin to make everything better. Although I had to edit him out of the full size pics due to space constraints. :( (full size jump here)