guess who had to be helped out of a bar. again.

By brendon May 21, 2010 @ 9:59 AM

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Oooo, this is a perfect time for another scandalous Blind Item. Are you ready?

This former A-list actress has been drunk and high for 5 years, and instead of going to court this week over drug and alcohol charges, she got drunk in Cannes, and last night she had to be carried to her car. For like the third time this month.

Who is it? You’ll just have to tune in later for the shocking answer.

lindsay will not be arrested later today

By brendon May 21, 2010 @ 9:11 AM

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Yesterday it was pretty exciting to hear that Lindsay Lohan would be held by customs and arrested as she tried to re-enter the United States because she had a warrant out, and bail was set at 100 grand. Hooray!

But of course you can pay 10 percent of your bail and somehow that counts as the same thing. And that’s what Lindsay did and now there’s no warrant. Keep this in mind if you slip into daydreaming that this pussy judge is going to do anything. She gave Lindsay Lohan a $10,000 bail.

So maybe that’s why LInds looked so carefree as left some party in Cannes dressed like a slut, escorted to her car by a bodyguard. I assume he’s a bodyguard. He looks like one. He also has a cool jacket. Actually, and I don’t mean this in a gay way, but that guy is yummy.

lindsay is so dumb it takes your breath away

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:43 PM

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Very obviously the reason Lindsay didn’t come back for her court date is because she didn’t feel like it. The flights weren’t full and no one stole her passport. Now Lindsays mom says she has a new passport, to replace the “stolen” one, which is fascinating because the French police say she never applied for one.

Actually I don’t think you even can get a new passport overseas. Maybe you can in a major country like France. Typically a US embassy will issue a temporary one if you can prove your identity (not a problem in this case), but Lindsay could have done that immediately, back when she claims she lost it. It takes a few hours. Honest to god if this bitch gets any dumber she’ll be declared legally dead.

(Note – ive had it with Lindsays fug ass, so instead heres over 54 pictures of my beloved diora baird, including her playboy stuff. its a diora baird party, and youre invited!)

the warrant has been issued for lindsay

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:38 PM

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Lindsay Lohan was of course due in court today because she hasn’t met the terms of her probation, but she skipped that because parties at Cannes have an open bar.

So this morning a warrant was issued for her arrest, and bail was set at $100,000. Her attorney spoke for her in court, claiming Lindsay wanted to be present but, ahem, her passport was stolen.

“She did, in fact, have airline tickets,” (her attorney) Holley told the judge. “From our standpoint, there is a valid reason for her not being here today.”
Superior Court Judge Marsha Revel wasn’t satisfied, saying the star has a history of missing scheduled appointments.
“If she wanted to be here, it looks to the court that she could have been here,” Revel said.
The judge revoked Lohan’s probation, issued the arrest warrant and imposed several conditions should Lohan make bail. She will be prohibited from drinking any alcohol, required to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet and submit to random weekly drug testing.
Speaking to the media after the hearing, Holley said that Lohan has completed 10 of the 13 required alcohol-education classes. He said she went to Cannes to work on a movie, adding that, “It’s her job.”

It might be her job if she were working on a movie, but she’s not. She says she’ll be in some Linda Lovelace bio-pic, but Lohan lies constantly, so why would anyone believe that.

Anyone can just announce a movie, by the way. You can say whatever you want. It doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. I’m making a movie with Diora Baird about a girl in a bikini who jumps rope on a really pretty beach in Hawaii. People don’t realize how sweaty you get from hopping up and down, and that you have to shower when you’re done. This movie won’t back down from that gritty reality.

See? I announced a movie. But is it true? It must be, I just announced it. Did you not see the announcement?

this is that guy kendra had sex with in the tape

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:37 PM

Star is reporting that the guy Kendra has sex with in her sex tape is named Justin Frye, and that he can be seen in a number of exxxtreeeme! youtube videos riding motorcycles and, in the one above, in camo shorts at the Fight-Like-A-Girl championships. He wins the fight, but do you know who the real winner was that night? Everyone who went to watch something else.

Kardashians

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:37 PM

In my dreams, I visit the Kardashian home and make sweet love to each and every one in the house, over the age of consent, natch. I always wake up in panic sweat just as I hear Bruce Jenner begin to man-moan. Which Kardashian would MacGruber most like to nail?

He said that picking favorite “Kardasheean” would be like trying to choose between Christmas, Flag Day and Hooters Wingsday.

That’s pretty gay.

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lindsays lies might be come back to haunt her

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:36 PM

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The problem with randomly lying about any and all topics is that it’s impossible to keep your story straight, especially when you’re dumb or drunk or high or, more likely in this case, all three.

Monday Lindsay said she couldn’t get a plane ticket because all the planes were full (and was lying). One day later she said she had a plane ticket all along but then her passport got stolen. She says she even went to the airport and tried to board the flight but they wouldn’t let her.

There’s a million pictures of Lindsay at Cannes, none of them at the airport, but whatever. Let’s just pretend she did buy a plane ticket and had every intention of appearing in court on time. She better hope that’s the case, because the DA would love to see some proof.

Danette Meyers, the district attorney handling the case, told Radar Online exclusively that she’ll be “asking for a warrant to be issued and [is] okay with it being held.
“However, I will be asking Judge [Marsha] Revel to have Lindsay and her lawyer bring her plane ticket — which would prove that she planned on being here in court today,” Meyers told us exclusively.

It’s discouraging that the DA is okay with the warrant being held. I’d have a SEAL time repel down her hotel and shoot out her windows then drag her ass back under a net in the back of a C-17.

Airline Travel

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:30 PM

Remember when Kevin Smith got kicked off Southwest Airlines for being a human jelly doughnut? That’s the kind of dude I’m always squeezed between on six-hour flights from hell. How does Macgruber handle travel stress?

He had to go to the emergency room once because he put a tube of Clearasil up his butt so he could clear airport security—apparently he had a lot of nasty blackheads on his back and shoulders but he already had too many liqids cuz he had a buttload of dark tanning oils in his carry-on.

That’s far more disgusting than helpful.

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