Friday morning headlines

By brendon November 19, 2010 @ 12:42 PM

saras_gil_schick_hydro

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS
– opened this morning at 12:01am, and based on pre-ticket sales it has a shot at breaking The Dark Knights 158 million dollar opening weekend record. It’s made around 30 million already, but the entire weekend is expected to be packed with loser nerds in Harry Potter costumes, and me showing them what real power looks like in my Gandolf outfit. (deadline)

TOM HARDY – is all set to play the villain in the third Christopher Nolan Batman movie, and though it’s not known which one, the best current guess is it will be Dr. Hugo Strange, “a genius, mad scientist who becomes obsessed with Batman, learns his secret identity and ends up dressing up like him.” Maybe someone just try shooting him like 300 times. With a gun. I feel like that would work. (batman news)

THE SCHICK HYDRO GIRL – is Saras Gil, though I can barely even confirm that she exists. She’s 24, lives in Barcelona, I think. And that’s about it. I was amazed at how many emails came in about this chick, but I’m not here to judge. I jacked off to a constellation once, so, hey, whatever man. (youtube)

Chris Brown is trying hard to make amends

By brendon November 18, 2010 @ 9:34 PM

62522091

Chris Brown has been, rightfully, one of the most hated figures in Hollywood ever since he beat Rihanna until she was almost unconscious. Before that night he was a guy who everyone generally liked, and since that night he has said time and again how sorry he was and that he would do everything possible to make up for his mistake.

And, apparently, he really meant it.

Brown was in an LA courtroom today to face Judge Patricia Schnegg as he nears the end of his probation, and it’s safe to say she was impressed.

“Of all probationers I’ve ever had, and I’ve had thousands of probationers, no one has ever done a better or more consistent job than you have,” Schnegg said. “And I really want to commend you for taking responsibility, and for actually working diligently to complete all of the things the court has required of you.”
“You’ve done a very good job.”

Well… shit. What can you say. What he did is horrible, and it should follow him forever, but, he’s clearly trying at least. That’s all you can ask out of anybody, right? That’s more than most guys with anger issues do. You know Andy Richter? He has a secret ranch in Mexico where he releases prostitutes, then hunts them down with a bow and arrow. True Story!

someone bought a push-up bra (it was Jessica Lowndes)

By brendon November 18, 2010 @ 5:50 PM

62501020

Sometimes attractive-sometimes not 90210 star Jessica Lowndes was a party last night for something that I forgot to write the name down for, but all that matters is that Jessica got a push up bra. These could actually be the definitive Jessica Lowndes pictures. She’s like a partially finished rubiks cube. From the right angle, everything looks great, but move slightly and suddenly you realize everything is all fucked up.

Tom Cruise is still braver and/or dumber than me

By brendon November 18, 2010 @ 4:21 PM

cruise_tom_0

When we last saw Tom Cruise
, he was hanging off the side of the Burj Kahlifa in Dubai, running along the side of the 124th floor, filming stunts for Mission: Impossible 4. But clearly that’s for pussies, so today Tom was sitting on top of the tower, at the very peak of the worlds tallest man made structure, 2,717 feet in the air.

And I don’t mean IN the tower, like in this youtube video. I mean ON it. With his feet hanging over the side, like a little kid fishing on a dock with his dad.

Just so we’re perfectly clear: Fuck That. Stuff like this just makes me think his marriage is falling apart or he has bone cancer or something. How shitty do things have to be at home for you to sit on top of a tower half a mile in the air.

(image source – fame)

Read more >

Erin Barry is getting dumped now too

By brendon November 18, 2010 @ 2:43 PM

eva25

The bad news for Tony Parker is that Eva Longoria is divorcing him because he was “sexting” with the wife of one of his teammates. The good news is she’s single now too! OK! magazine says…

A local San Antiono TV station, KENS 5, exclusively reports that former Spurs player Brent Barry and his wife Erin are headed to divorce court.
According to KENS 5, Brent has filed a petition for divorce. He reportedly states that he and Erin have “ceased to live together as husband and wife” and cites irreconcilable differences.

Tony “Wife Fucker” Parker is bound to be super popular in the Spurs locker room now. On a side note… wow. A cunning, vindictive Latin girl and a back-stabbing Frenchman. It’s like this story is made up entirely of stereotypes I have of other nationalities.

Eva Longoria got revenge

By brendon November 18, 2010 @ 1:47 PM

erin_barry

When Eva Longoria found out her husband Tony Parker was “sexting” with Erin Barry, the wife of Parkers San Antonio Spurs teammate Brent Barry, she knew her marriage was over, but that’s not what she told Parker. Because she wanted to exact some sort of revenge first. Why would she do that instead of just walking away? Because Latin girls are all completely fucking crazy, that’s why. Radar says…

“But Eva was hurt and she wanted a little revenge,” the source revealed. “So she blindsided Tony with the divorce filing.
“They were working out the details about who was going to file and when. They didn’t want it to become a messy divorce. Then Eva got a little revenge and didn’t tell Tony she was filing and dropped the papers on him, catching him off balance for the media blitz.”

Wow that was lame. She really sucks at revenge. Nice. Now I love her more than ever. Obviously she’s fantastic looking, but she’s so damn little, she’s basically a fleshlight that makes 3 million dollars a year. Top that.

Ke$ha was just as sexy in high school

By brendon November 18, 2010 @ 11:42 AM

kesha_yearbook_photo

Some people wonder why Ke$ha wears so much glitter and paint and all these distractions. Those people clearly haven’t seen her yearbook photo from Brentwood High School (go Bruins!), about 20 minutes south of Nashville. Maybe it’s because the picture is a grainy black and white, but she looks like Nosferatu. I’m scared to even turn around right now. I feel like, because I opened this picture, she might be behind me.

(to be honest this is sort of surprising because she looked way better when her family hosted paris hilton and nicole richie on ‘the simple life’. video under the cut)

Read more >

Dina Lohan told Fox this is “defamation of character”

By brendon November 17, 2010 @ 10:05 PM

lohanglee

Way back in December of 2006, Lindsay Lohan sent out a drug fueled text telling other celebrities that they should sue the tabloids for defamation of character, even though she doesn’t know what that means.

“Let’s sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them”.

Clearly she never bothered to learn those terms, because back in March she tried (unsuccessfully) to sue E-Trade for 100 million dollars, and today (Tyler Exclusive, btw!) Dina Lohan sent a letter to Fox about last nights episode of Glee, calling it – oh you’ll never guess – “defamation of character.”

So is another lawsuit on the way? Probably, yes, because the Lohans are dumb as rocks with no source of income. It’s almost like they’re a family of possums.