Sofia Vergara had some award or something for ‘Modern Family’ last night, and OH MY FUCKING GOD is she fantastic. She must be one of the worlds greatest athletes to walk around in high heels with those magnificent breasts outweighing the rest of her by a hundred pounds and bouncing up and down in front of her. Even getting out of bed must be a Herculean effort. She probably just has to roll onto the floor and then put her back against the wall and push with her legs with all her might to scooch her way up, like the Grinches dog when he had to push that sled with all the presents. Like that, except with me jackin off while it was happening.
No not really. But because Angelina Jolie took Billy Bob Thornton from Laura Dern when they worked on ‘Pushing Tin’ and Brad Pitt from Jennifer Ani-chin when they made ‘Mr. And Mrs Smith’, and now she’s making ‘the Tourist’ with Johnny Depp, you can expect some version of this story for the next three months. And that it will hurt Liev Schreibers feelings. “Hey I’m married, why didn’t anyone think she was gonna sleep with me?”
Johnny Depp’s longtime gal pal has no intention of joining the trail of brokenhearted Hollywood ladies left crying to Oprah Winfrey after Angelina Jolie stole their men.
So when Vanessa Paradis found out (Depp) and Jolie were to shoot a passionate love scene in their new movie “The Tourist,” she ordered Depp to find another gig.
“He’s currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don’t know if he’s succeeded. But he’s trying and they’re talking about replacing him with Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.”
Jolie is too PR smart for this, and by all accounts Depp is a very good guy so this whole thing is dumb. And he definitely won’t make the first move. In real life he anguishes over every word. “Um, yes, uh hey Angelina. I was wondering, uh, if you would care to, um, join me in, you know, uh, sexual … inter-intercourse.”
(image source = inf daily)
GEORGE CLOONEY - didn’t look quite as cool in his yearbook as he does now. The only way this picture could be any more 80′s nerdier is if they had photoshopped him over a floppy disk. He must be smiling because it was early and the other kids hadn’t taken his backpack yet. (wonderwall)
KE$HA - isn’t shy about bashing Britney Spears for lip-synching during concerts. “No offense to her specifically, but people have asked me before to mime. I have been up at 3:00 in the morning for a television show with jet lag but I refuse to mime.” Wow. Those are strong words. I bet I’d be even more shocked if I had any idea who the fuck it was we’re talking about. (e online)
ELIN NORDEGREN - has been living in a rented house after since Tiger Woods got out of sex rehab, but she’s finally decided to move back in with him. What a lucky fella. Have fun with your horribly awkward and frigid sex, Tiger. (radar online)
THE WHORES! - love musicians. Even crappy ones. Nikki Sixx used to date Kat Von D, but now he’s a got a new special lady in his life. Her net outfit is sexy but also practical because you can spray her down with sanitizer before you have sex. HAIR METAL UPDATE - Nikki Sixx would be thrilled to know how many fans he has, because I guess that’s not him. I just went by what the picture agency said. It might be Billy Idols guitarist Steve Stevens. Which would mean he’s not crappy at all, unlike this update. (pacific coast)
‘The Marriage Ref’ settles into its regular spot tonight after ‘the Office’, and every week big Hollywood stars will come on to help real married couples having problems. As you can see in the ad, they even got Larry David and Madonna. “Together at last”, I squealed in delight when I heard the news.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . sponsored by NBC . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
A new storyline for ’90210′ features star Jessica Lowndes gettin it on with her lady friend, bringing the shows status with the public from “Nine Oh Who?” to “This looks like a really good show.” E online says…
(It can) check “insincere sapphic erotica” off its to-do list, by way of the romance between Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes) and Gia (Rumer Willis). Based on the newly released promo still above, is the new 90210 pairing “hot or not”? Cast your vote in our Hot Girl-on-Girl Action gallery.
I hope things got hotter than this. For one they appear to be in a hotel lobby. Also that looks more like a “make it better” kiss than a “now lets take our clothes off” kiss.
When John Mayer told Playboy that sex with Jessica Simpson was like a drug that he could never get enough of, it was the nicest thing anyone had said about her in two years, but for some reason she’s expected to act like she’s been attacked. Us.com says…
“I was so disappointed in him,” she tells Oprah Winfrey. “It made me so sad, and it was really discouraging because that’s not the John that I knew…I hope he gets his life together.”
“He did apologize. I don’t accept it. It’s just one of those things that…I don’t resent him. I’m just going to let that go. That part of my life is over.”
Are we sure she read the right article? Maybe the problem is that he called her “sexual napalm”, because there’s no way in hell Jessica Simpson knows what napalm is. And when she looked it up the only words she recognized was the part about mixing things to form a jelly that goes inside. “I am no mans sex donut,” Jessica probably said definitely after reading that.
Salma Hayek read a ‘Dora The Explorer’ book to some kids in Burbank for some reason but I didn’t read that part because who cares. Her dress was boring and the only good part was when she leaned over a little bit to answer questions from the kids. Questions like, “What the fuck are you saying? Is that English? Haven’t you been here like 20 years? Your accent is heavier now than it was in ‘Desperado’. How the hell did you manage that?”
Megan Fox doesn’t get the credit she deserves as an actress and still gets labeled as slut who skates by on her looks, but I’ll continue to stand up for her because when you love someone that’s what you do. And also because I know all too well what it’s like when people try to brand you as just a pretty face. Hopefully a new interview with Harpers Bazaar (via the Huffington Post) will help her cause.
On her sex partners:
“I’ve only been with two men my entire life. My childhood sweetheart and Brian. I can never have sex with someone that I don’t love, ever. The idea makes me sick. I’ve never even come close to having a one-night stand.”
On giving provocative interviews:
“My biggest regret is that I’ve assisted the media in making me into a cartoon character. I don’t regret what has happened to me, but I regret the way I have dealt with it.”
I still can’t believe she has sex with that dork and it doesn’t look like they’re breaking up any time soon. That dude needs to go.
Hey does anyone know how to cut the brake lines on a car? Hypothetically speaking of course.
(there aren’t any good new pics of Megan, so here’s her looking nerdy a few years ago)