Singer Eats Glass at McDonald’s

May 22, 2013 | News | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Jacqueline Simpson is a big time Gospel singer. So big, I couldn’t find any mention of her anywhere on the Internet. Except for the fact that she’s suing McDonald’s because she allegedly swallowed some glass in her Chicken Sandwich and it fucked up her singing voice. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, either way, if […]

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Ashley Tisdale’s Stalker Threatened To Kill Her

May 22, 2013 | celebrity | Brendon| 0 Comments

When you give everyone an unfiltered open forum like Twitter, you’re bound to come across a few assholes, and while most of them spend their 140 characters bitching about politics or sports, some end up being just a little more psychotic than others. For instance, a guy named Nicholas Fiore has Tweeted at Ashley Tisdale […]

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Olivia Munn Looks Really Fucking Good

May 22, 2013 | bikini | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Olivia Munn photographs well. You can’t see any of the circle or bags or other such shit she’s acquired since leaving G4 and venturing out into the world of mostly really terrible movies and network television. Can’t blame a girl for wanting to get paid. Check out Esquire magazine if you want to pretend to […]

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Paris Hilton’s Teen Boyfriend Loves to Makeout

May 22, 2013 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Paris Hilton doesn’t have time for kissing. Snort, suck, hump, and a love splash in the good eye. That’s all the modern blonde heiress needs to keep her batteries charged. Especially when you’re on a busy club promotional schedule like Paris is in Cannes. But this high school boy she totes around like a purse […]

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Michelle Heaton Got The Angelina Jolie Boob Do-Overs

May 22, 2013 | bikini | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Michelle Heaton is a British pop singer, on the off chance you’re not a teenage girl, or British, or the guy catfishing me on Gchat who pretends to be a British teenage girl. He’s really good. She also has that same mutated gene Angelina Jolie does. And she also cut off her boobs, just last […]

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Kanye Needs to Be Heard (VIDEO)

May 22, 2013 | celebrity | Brendon| 0 Comments

Kanye West was doing that thing he does where he tries really hard to be controversial on Saturday Night Live last weekend. He sang a couple of songs from his new album one of which is called New Slaves. It’s about how the prison system is like a new form of slavery. Hence the articulately […]

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Miley Cyrus In Revealing Black Swimsuit

May 21, 2013 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

There’s nothing wrong with being the spastic bony girl with scoliosis who’s not horrible looking. Personally, I dated nothing but in high school. By senior year, I could unclasp a bra wrenched beneath a corrective back brace with a single hand. That impressed the shit out of many mid-tier state school recruiters. Still, I keep […]

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Rosario Dawson Flashes Her Panties at Cannes

May 21, 2013 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

I feel like every single movie shown at Cannes is about a boy in a war torn nation trying to find a decent pair of shoes for his sister. I could be wrong, but at least half are for sure. Whenever I see a film marketed as having won the Golden Sunshine Award or whatever […]

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No One Wants To Buy Lindsay’s Clothes

May 21, 2013 | celebrity | Brendon| 0 Comments

Lindsay Lohan is being countersued by clothing manufacturer D.N.A.M. for fucking up her own clothing line. Not due to the clothes being both ugly and slutty, but because no one wants to buy a clothing line with a junkie’s name on it. In 2009 Lindsay signed a contract with D.N.A.M. to make her 6126 apparel […]

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Joanna Krupa Shows Off Her Puppy in a Bikini

May 21, 2013 | bikini | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

I remain convinced that watching any show on Bravo! or E! will send even the straightest of men marching toward a truck stop glory hole to discover the fabulous world of cock. Maybe you were born that way, and Tabitha Takes Over merely unleashed the real you, but I’m not taking any chances. Which is […]

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