afternoon headlines

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 7:20 PM


MEGAN FOX - should be on this list of famous people who blaze up (here’s a diff one). I’d also like to see her on a list of famous girls who have swallowed my semen. (htgb)

JENNIFER ANISTON - still sucks. ‘Bounty Hunter’ only made 3.8m in it’s UK debut. It’s hard to figure out why no one goes to see her movies. Perhaps it’s because she’s a terrible actress and self-pitying bitch. Oh wait I guess it wasn’t that hard to figure out. (daily mail)

TIGER WOODS - had sex with the daughter of one of his neighbors last year. She was 21, and lived so close they could see Tigers house when they were doin it. He must have a really good Homeowners Association. All I get is some votive candles on Christmas Eve. (radar)

MICHELLE HUNZIKER - is still in Miami, bless her heart. Blond white girls are boring, but … the pigtails. Pigtails are fuckin hot. More girls don’t wear them and that bugs me. It works especially well on Michelle because she’s Swiss. This would be a good ad for tropical cocoa. (fame images, splash news)

katie holmes doesnt need makeup

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 5:20 PM


Katie Holmes was on set in New York this afternoon for a movie called ‘Son Of No One’, co-starring Al Pacino, Ray Liotta and Channing ‘Worst Actor Alive’ Tatum. I don’t know what the movie is about but it looks terrible. That’s the worst zombie costume I’ve ever seen. They didn’t even add any blood or rip her jeans. She is supposed to be a zombie, right? I hope she is. Because if not she might be an actual zombie.

jessica simpson doesn’t need makeup

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 4:19 PM


The may issue of Marie Claire has a picture of Jessica Simpson on the cover, and they say, “No Makeup, No Retouching, No Regrets.” They also seem to know if my boyfriend is tweeting about me.

“I don’t have anything to prove anymore,” she says. “What other people think of me is not my business.”

Jessica Simpson might as well give an interview where she talks about instructions given to her by the newspaper and how the CIA is drugging her toothpaste because she’s clearly lost her mind. Not that she looks bad or anything, but what other people think of her is definitely her business. It’s her only business for christs sake. Marie Claire might as well have a headline that says “In Memoriam. 1980-2010″

eva longoria can clear up this nicollette sheridan thing

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 3:30 PM

Nicolette Sherdan

Yesterday it was reported that Nicollette Sheridan is suing Marc Cherry, the creator of ‘Desperate Housewives’, and alleging that he slapped her in the face, then fired her when she threatened to report him. It’s a wild story, but luckily Eva Longoria was on Ryan Seacrests radio show today, and she’s probably really clear about this whole thing.

“I’m really confused about this whole thing. I would love to see her to find out if everything’s okay.”
Longoria says she doesn’t know the details of the alleged incident, “I know they did have a thing on set,” she says, adding that Cherry “probably could not harm a fly.”
“I guess it was a couple years ago. I wasn’t on set when it happened but apparently this incident had happened and she felt it was wrong,” she says.
When asked to clarify what kind of incident it was, Longoria says that Sheridan “was doing a scene, something that [Marc] was showing her how to do … Honestly I wish I knew.”
And while she hopes things work out for Sheridan, Longoria is also crossing her fingers the show will get past the lawsuit. “I love the show so much,” she says, “I would hate for anything tarnish the reputation of the show.”

We should judge people based on appearance way more than we do now. It seems like that would work. I think everyone from the middle east is here to kill me, for example, and Asian girls are monogamous yet slutty. And so far so good on both counts. And since Marc Cherry looks like a really tall infant, I’ve decided he’s not going around slapping women. And then I would say, “Your witness, councilor” and everyone would be real impressed by my Aristotelean logic.

kate gosselin is delightful

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 12:35 PM


The past 18,000 stories about Kate Gosselin have all centered around one main theme; she’s an unlikable and mean old bitch. But maybe this new story will be different (note – it’s not different).

Kate Gosselin is so standoffish on Dancing With the Stars, she has show staffers contact her through her bodyguard, reports the new issue of Us Weekly. 
 “She acts like a major celebrity. It’s a joke with the cast.”
Gosselin — who was criticized as looking like a “super bitch from hell” during last Monday’s dance — hasn’t bothered getting to know any of the other contestants either.
“When she is getting her hair done, she is on her BlackBerry the whole time… [she] is not making herself likable,” another insider says, adding that the
has not been invited out to any of the cast’s Monday postshow afterparties.

These other people all sound real jealous, probability because Gosselin is such a talented lady. How many women a year have kids? 5 or 6 at the most, I would think. I know there was one in the Bible that did it. And there was one in China. This is why Kate is still there but last night they kicked off Buzz Aldrin. It’s ‘Dancing With The STARS‘, Buzz. Now beat it. Play your cards right and maybe Kate will give you an autograph. Yeah, he piloted the first rocket to land on the moon. 40 years ago. Who cares? It would be one thing if he had to battle vampires up there, but they don’t really have those, despite what the liberal media would like you to believe.

which one is madonna?

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 11:44 AM


Madonna of course stole adopted a little girl from Malawai last year, and this week the two of them returned for the groundbreaking of a new school for girls. Madonna is bankrolling most of this, but please don’t think that stopped her from looking like an elitist old cunt for even one day.

The average person in Malawai makes $160 a year, so maybe it was insensitive to wear 1000 dollar boots to christen a villages well. Her first clue should have been that they have a fucking well. If you’re someplace with a well, that place sucks.

And she wore a pair of 300 dollar sunglasses. Oh I’m sorry, two pair. From a new line of sunglasses that will be out in May called MDG. The ‘D’ stands for ‘Dolce’. The “G” stands for ‘Gabbana’. Now try and guess who the ‘M’ stands for. Hurry up and guess because I’m no good with secrets.

But I wasn’t there, I don’t know for sure. Maybe they thought her 5,000 dollar watch was neat. Maybe they were smiling and happy to see oh never mind.

(Have you guessed yet? It’s Madonna! The ‘M’ stands for ‘Madonna’.)

jenny mccarthy is single

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 9:28 AM


Jim Carey announced on Twitter last night that he and Jenny McCarthy have broken up after dating for almost 5 years. Many were surprised by this revelation, because it means that people are following Jim Carey on Twitter for some inexplicable reason.

Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I’m grateful 4 the many blessings we’ve shared and I wish her the very best! S’okay! ?;^>

And Jenny bid a fond farewell in 140 characters or less too.

I’ m so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart.

Jim Carey is an idiot so Jenny is screwed now. There aren’t many people left dumb enough to put up with her. Because she doesn’t believe in vaccines or science or dinosaurs or whatever. She better hope they never cure autism because a rich guy with that might be her last chance.

sandra denies having a sex tape

By brendon April 06, 2010 @ 5:30 PM


Sandra Bullock hasn’t said a word in public since the news broke about her husband whoring around, but the rumor of a sex tape – even though it’s the dumbest thing you’ll ever hear and the source is a fuckin idiot who clearly just makes things up – was enough to force her to make a statement.

“There is no sex tape,” she says in a statement to PEOPLE on Tuesday. “There never has been one and there never will be one.”
Until now, Bullock, 45, had not commented, remaining in seclusion since reports surfaced that James, 40, allegedly had cheated on her with at least four other women.
She spoke out in response to an online report that James possesses a graphic sex tape which he could possibly use as leverage in a divorce case.

‘Demolition Man’ came out in 1993, and ‘Speed’ was one year later. So Sandra Bullock has been really famous for almost 20 years. How many bad things have you ever heard about her? Total. I can’t think of one. Not one bad story or rumor in 20 years. Yet suddenly she’s a Nazi shoving guns up her ass? That sounds like 5 different rumors about 5 different people just crammed into one. There’s probably a longer version of this rumor where she pours AIDS into the water supply and works for the Men in Black.