Kelly Brook was back in a bikini in Ischia, Italy, today, and if she and I ever have sex I really hope her idea of foreplay is my head between her tits for 30 minutes as I make funny sounds. Because that’s what’s gonna happen.
Amber Heard was in ‘Drive Angry’, and ‘Pineapple Express’ and ‘Zombieland’, and she stars in the new NBC ‘Mad Men’ rip-off, ‘The Playboy Club’, but mostly she’s famous for being Hollywoods hottest lesbian. I’m still optimistic about us dating though, because with me it would sometimes still be like dating a woman, such as when a bee flies toward my head and I go, “Aaa, AAAAA, is it on me, GET IT OFF ME!”
(image source = getty)
Rihanna was on South Beach yesterday, and yes, in the headline picture she’s in a bikini and thrusting her chest at a guy with a Statue of Liberty tattoo on his neck who was staring at her tits. Why wouldn’t she be?
Lady Gaga went through the airport in Sydney today, wearing whatever the hell this is supposed to be, and I certainly hope it helped get her the constant attention she so desperately craves. C’mon everyone, let’s all look at Lady Gaga, or else tomorrows “dress” might have a metal brace on her shoulders with a trumpet in front of her so she can play cymbals on her knees while banging on a big bass drum with sparklers taped to it.
Kelly Brook (who you might remember suffered a miscarriage just 2 months ago) looked absolutely fantastic earlier today when she went swimming in Ischia, Italy, and I bet she’d be really flattered to know that a piece of food fell out of my mouth when I saw her tits in a bikini. I’m a real devil with the ladies.
(image source = splash)
‘Plum’ is the magazine that flew Lindsay Lohan down to Miami back in May, during the 15-day window between pleading no-contest to stealing a diamond necklace and beginning her house arrest. In exchange for a photo shoot and interview, Plum says they “covered all Lindsay’s expenses including airfare for her and her family/entourage, lodging at the iconic Raleigh hotel in the penthouse suite and all transportation costs.”
This is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about, she of course she flaked and never did the interview. So, according to Gawker, the reporter just had to talk about what it was like to hang out with Lindsay. Try and guess if she sounds like a bitch!
“As we pulled up to the Fontainebleau, a bright-orange parking cone was blocking the entrance. Not accustomed to waiting, apparently, she lowered the car’s window and shouted, ‘Move that cone. I’m Lindsay Lohan.’ And it was done.”
She drank wine, even when discussing her sobriety, and was “constantly looking for drama, whether it was picking a fight with her younger sister… or freaking out over a lost pair of Zanotti heels.”
She overstayed her welcome at nightclubs and, eventually, the entire trip: “Monday morning was supposed to be check-out time, but Lindsay and her posse refused to leave… It was like watching the lights come on at a nightclub after-hours—not pretty.”
And then there’s this…
She said she “took ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for the movie Black Swan.”
Portman went on to win an Academy Award. Lohan went on to steal a Rolex and a necklace and do more coke. So really it sounds like the movie would have been great either way. Portman and Lohan are practically the same person.
As you probably remember, a Marine stationed in Afghanistan posted a video on youtube last Thursday asking Mila Kunis to the Marine Corps Ball, and over the weekend during an interview with Justin Timberlake, she accepted. When she asked Justin if he would go too, he said, “They don’t want me! They want you. You need to do it for your country.”
Well it turns out at least one Marine does want him.
Corporal Kelsey De Santis, currently the only female serving at the Martial Arts Center for Excellence at Marine Corps Base Quantico, has since posted her own v-vite directed at Timberlake:
“So Justin, you want to call out my girl Mila. Well, I’m going to call you out and ask you to come to the Marine Corp Ball with me on November 12 in Washington DC,” De Santis said.
Timberlake’s rep was not immediately available for comment.
I’m slightly disappointed it was a girl who asked him out. Because either Justin would refuse and look like a dick, or accept and go out with a guy, or some Marines were planning on giving him a nice beating. I liked every possible outcome.
And now, unrelated pictures of Jessica Jane Clement from Loaded magazine.
ED NORTON – is in talks to play the villain opposite Jeremy Renner in ‘the Bourne Legacy’, the new run of Jason Bourne movies that don’t have Jason Bourne in them. I would just call them Harry Potter movies, since apparently you can just call your movie whatever the hell you want these days. (vulture)
SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS – premiered it’s first trailer today, and you’ll be happy to see it’s got plenty of fighting and explosions. It’s Sherlock Holmes after all. Ya gotta have explosions. (apple)
TED DANSON – will be the new boss on ‘C.S.I.’, replacing Laurence Fishburne. Remember when Danson was in ‘Saving Private Ryan’? What the fuck was that all about? (la times)
DAISY LOWE – is gonna be in Playboy. It’s not really a stretch for Daisy (who you may remember is Gavin Rossdales 22-year-old daughter) because she’s a model who has already posed naked for two magazines. And also for the hidden camera I set up in her bathroom when I pretended to be the plumber. (daily mail. this would be a good time to follow me on twitter. hint hint. )