Winona Ryder Isn’t Pretty Enough

By Lex May 09, 2013 @ 10:18 AM

Winona Ryder In May Issue Of Interview Magazine
Winona Ryder was too ugly to be an actress. According to her.

I was in the middle of auditioning, and I was mid-sentence when the casting director said, ‘Listen, kid. You should not be an actress. You are not pretty enough.

This is a new take on the bullshit model line about being the ugly duckling in high school. Bullshit both because it wasn’t true and also because they didn’t really go to high school. Neither did Winona Ryder. But she persevered despite being only pretty good looking and made her mark in Hollywood. A real triumph of the human spirit.

Here’s Winona Ryder in Interview magazine. The guy who took the pictures probably told her she wasn’t pretty enough to be in Interview magazine, but, nothing can stop this only average good looking woman.

Photo Credit: Interview Magazine

Liam Hemsworth’s Brothers Are Total Cockblocks

By Travis May 09, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

It’s hard to keep track of whether or not Miley Cyrus is still with Hunger Games star Liam Hemsworth, because she’s just so damn hot. Look at her at Monday night’s Met Gala in New York City, proving why Maxim named her No. 1 on the Hot 100. No man deserves to cage such heat, especially when he’s not even the best Hemsworth brother.

But despite whatever conflicting things people are reporting, Liam and Miley are at least still dating, according to Miley, and that’s not cool with Liam’s brothers, Chris and Luke. US Weekly reports that Liam’s brothers actually staged an intervention for him in April, trying to convince him to end his relationship already.

And I’m not sure how that worked, but I assume that they first held a mirror in front of him and then made him look at pictures of Miley. He couldn’t have lasted more than a few minutes with that kind of torture.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Miranda Kerr Is Going To Be Fine On Her Own

By Travis May 09, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Back in March, Victoria’s Secret made the decision not to renew Miranda Kerr’s contract as an Angel amid rumors that the supermodel was a bit of a diva behind-the-scenes. On top of that, it was reported that she wasn’t even the company’s top draw, so she just wasn’t worth the headache. Ultimately, both parties said the right things, hugged and parted ways, as Victoria’s Secret went back to creating 19-year old goddesses in a laboratory and Miranda just became plain, old Mrs. Orlando Bloom.

But she’s not done reminding us that she’s one of the hottest women on the planet – not Miley Cyrus hot, obviously – as she Tweeted the above picture on Wednesday. Although, if you think about it, she’s really just an unemployed mother of one Tweeting tit pics now, so it won’t be long before she’s launching her own fake sex tape.

Britney Spears Robbed of 20 lbs

By Lex May 08, 2013 @ 5:36 PM

Britney Spears In June Issue Of Shape Magazine
Every magazine photo is touched up these days, from a little to a lot. But if you’re Shape magazine and promoting fitness, you can’t just airbrush Britney Spears into a sleek specimen and tell all the fudgy gals who read your magazine to be inspired by Britney. I read lots of women’s magazines. I drink diet soda. I cried when Oprah died, I mean, I will. I know women. They love to be inspired and hate to be lied to. This is a lie. Bring back the muffin top.

Photo Credit: Shape Magazine

Terry Richardson Gays His Way Into So Much Pussy

By Lex May 08, 2013 @ 5:00 PM

Bar Palvin Photographed By Terry Richardson
In my next life, I’m coming back as the guy everybody thinks is gay. It’s such a better play than this being gay on the down low business. All that gets you is anxiety and the AIDS. But the former, oh, man, the guy everybody assumes is gay gets so much access to women. Like photographer Terry Richardson.’ Oh, don’t worry about Terry’, all the hot models who enter his studio or his hotel room late night to shoot half naked photos say to each other. Harmless Terry, he’s just like one of the girls. Until you’ve had a couple cocktails and you find him balls deep in your sacred parts. Bravo, Terry. Well played.

Here’s Terry’s recent shoot of Victoria’s Secret model Barbara Palvin. He probably didn’t nail her, because she’s only like 20 and he’s so so gay.

Photo Credit: Terry Richardson

As I Lay Dying Singer Wanted His Ex To Lay Dying

By Jack May 08, 2013 @ 4:39 PM

Tim Lambesis, the lead singer of the metal band As I Lay Dying, was arrested for trying to hire an undercover cop to kill his estranged wife. Lambesis had been asking around San Diego where he could hire a hitman. Because what you want to do when you are looking to murder someone is to tell as many random people as possible. It seems that he wanted to kill his wife for recently filing for divorce from the Christian metal head, (is killing your wife What Jesus Would Do?). It looks pretty bad for Lambesis but it looks even worse for metal. When did heavy metal lose its balls?

First of all, Christian metal? What the shitting shit is that? Metal dudes are supposed to worship Satan and carve demonic goats on their forearms. If you want to love Jesus then stick to country music or soft rock to get you through the day at the office. And since when did metal guys need someone to do their murder for them? In the early 90′s the members of Mayhem killed themselves and murdered fellow band members, planned to burn down churches, and wore pieces of the lead singer’s skull on chains. Now that’s fucking metal, bitches.

Arianny Celeste Doesn’t Really Strip in Strip Trivia

By Lex May 08, 2013 @ 3:58 PM

Arianny Celeste Stripping In Simpsons Trivia Video For FilmStrip
Here’s a word that’s been badly bastardized. Stripping. I don’t know about you, but if I paid good money as best man at a bachelor party to a stripper to strip in our hotel room and she got down to her bikini and stopped, I’d call the Better Business Bureau. Or whoever you call when your stripper won’t get naked, let alone offer some extra services in the john to the already long married guys. Stripping means taking your clothes off, all of them. Taking off your hat is not stripping. Nobody calls you a stripper when you come inside and take off your raincoat. Mr. Rogers didn’t strip when he got home and changed into his cardigan and loafers. And Arianny Celeste is not stripping in these ‘Arianny Celeste Strip Trivia‘ videos going around from the folks at CineFix.

Arianny is one fine looking woman. And she looks damn good in a bikini. But let’s not start bastardizing some of the most important words in the English language. That’s my job.

Julia Roberts Is Being A Bitch Again

By Steve G. May 08, 2013 @ 3:16 PM

Don’t be fooled by the famous gaping maw smile, Julia Roberts is a bitter old bitch, who lives solely to make life miserable for everyone around her. Now her half-sister is getting married and because no one is paying attention to Julia, she is throwing a hissy fit and making the entire thing about her.

From RadarOnline -The Pretty Woman star, whose younger half-sister Nancy Motes is planning on getting married to John Dilbeck, is boycotting the nuptials because she hates the groom and doesn’t want to get stuck paying for the wedding, reports the latest issue of The National Enquirer.

“Now, Julia won’t go to her wedding because she’s worried Nancy will try to tap her for more money,” said the insider.

The story is from the National Enquirer mind you, but every word of this sounds believable. She’s been featured on this site on 16 different occasions; five or six were about her being an arrogant, rude, and vile human being. She even broke up a marriage to get her husband. Plus, I just typed in Julia Roberts is a mean nasty cunt into Google and 4,720,000 results popped upped, six of which I’m almost positive are about her, so if that doesn’t prove to you she sucks I don’t know what will.