Jennifer Lopez wore a bikini

By brendon August 31, 2012 @ 4:12 PM

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Jennifer Lopez was hanging out at her hotel in Miami yesterday, then either got up to join her kids and boyfriend in the pool, or got up and fell in the pool because she blacked out after holding her breath and clinching her stomach while walking.

As always, choosing what pictures to use was an arduous process. First I went to 4 different photo agencies, then I sorted through dozens of very similar pictures to find the ones where she looked the fattest.

(image source = inf, splash, wenn, fame/flynet)

Lindsay destroyed Elizabeth Taylors ‘Cleopatra’ trailer

By brendon August 31, 2012 @ 3:01 PM

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When Elizabeth Taylor was filming ‘Cleopatra’ in 1963, movie stars didnt get all the lavish perks they do now, so when Fox built her a custom trailer–which today would be valued at around $560,000–it was a big deal. So much so that it’s been kept together all this time, and in June it was sold in this auction.

Unfortunately, the terms of the auction dictated that Lifetime was allowed to use it for their Elizabeth Taylor movie, the one starring Lindsay Lohan. And when that happened, Lindsay, naturally, fucked the trailer up.

Photos show cigarette burns on fabric, furniture and even a portrait of Taylor. Dishes, mirror and glass were broken. (CNN)

An antique European rocking chair, “lavish” French phone and hairbrush that Taylor used might also be burned and broken, but those have all been stolen so there’s no way to know.

Lindsay says she didn’t do it, so that rules her out. Our suspect would be someone who was in the trailer by themselves, and who steals and smokes. And dishes were broken, so it’s the kind of person who would throw a glass at someone trying to take their picture at a party, or throw a glass at their girlfriend, or throw a drink at model Jessica Stam, or throw a drink on a girl who bumped her in a bar, or throw a drink on a photographer, or throw a glass at a cocktail waitress. In other words, there’s no way to know who did this, it could be literally anyone.

Randy Jackson out on ‘Idol’, Keith Urban sort of in

By brendon August 31, 2012 @ 12:59 PM

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It’s been rumored for months that Randy Jackson would not return to ‘American Idol’ next season, and now the LA Times says his departure is all but official, causing a void that the show will replace quickly and easily.

TMZ has a source (possibly a two-week old copy of the Hollywood Reporter) saying Keith Urban will replace Jackson and “take the third judging spot alongside Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj.”

Officially, Minaj is not actually a judge yet either, perhaps because of this rumor saying Mariah doesn’t want to share the spotlight with her. And I don’t blame her. It’s just like when I starred in my 8th grades production of ‘Pippin’. Those other kids sucked, they ruined everything!

Robin Williams is doing a sitcom for CBS

By brendon August 31, 2012 @ 12:07 PM

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Robin Williams got famous in 1978 playing Mork in ‘Mork and Mindy’, because there were no DVRs back then and he talked so fast that people didn’t have time to realize his “jokes” made no fucking sense. Also there were only three channels, so your entertainment options were to watch Robin Williams spaz in suspenders or get killed by the Hillside Strangler. That was it. Those were your only two choices.

But I digress. Deadline says…

Robin Williams is plotting a return to series television with a comedy written by Emmy winner David E. Kelley. The untitled single-camera comedy is set in the world of advertising and would star Williams as a brilliant ad executive working alongside his daughter.

CBS was first in line to pick this up, because all their sitcoms are shockingly unfunny but popular, just like Robin Williams. It’s a match made in heaven.

4Chan and Taylor Swift are making dreams come true

By brendon August 30, 2012 @ 3:09 PM

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You might think that the first step to winning a contest would be to enter the contest, but you’d be wrong and now I hate you.

Take the “Taylor Swift On Campus” contest for example, where people vote for their school and then Taylor will visit whoever get’s the most. This tumlbr says UCLA and UC Irvine are the current leaders, with 7,518 and 13,000+ votes, respectively.

Not bad, but the Horace Mann School For the Deaf can’t hear you over the sound of how awes-Well they can’t hear you because they’re deaf but they also can’t hear you because they’re so far ahead. They have 27,457 votes, despite having only 128 students, none of whom actually entered this stupid thing.

Luckily the benevolent chaps on /B stepped up last night and entered for them, instantly crushing all the giant schools who are actively trying to win this for some inexplicable reason. And if they do, Taylor Swift will stand in your quad with a guitar like an asshole and screech about mean boyfriends and mean boyfriends on facebook. Won’t that be a treat.

(image source for taylors twitter pictures = taylors twitter)

Lindsay banned from Chateau Marmont, still terrible at lying

By brendon August 29, 2012 @ 7:22 PM

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Lindsay Lohan has been banned from her favorite place on Earth, the Chateau Marmont hotel, all because of one trivial little issue (she owes them $46,000).

But hold on to your hats because it turns out Lindsay did nothing wrong and everything is someone elses fault. What a shocking twist this story took!

Sources close to the actress tell TMZ, Lindsay claims producers agreed to cover her stay at Marmont while she filmed “Liz & Dick” earlier this summer — so she was shocked to learn there was an outstanding 5-figure bill in her name.

I’m as amazed as anyone, but that’s probably true. Getting around LA is impossible and infuriating so it makes perfect sense for the producers to get her a room close to the set. It happens all the time. Her first day was June 4th, and the hotel bill begins June 5th (after she no-showed the first reservation, of course). So far so good.

Normally that would be the end of a story like this, but Lindsay Lohan is a pathological liar / kleptomaniac / cunt, so it’s not.

Here’s the deal: Lindsay lives on San Ysidro Drive in Beverly Hills (red arrow), and even shares a driveway with this much better house where Heidi Klum and Seal used to live :(

‘Liz and Dick’ was filming in Marina del Rey, “A” on this map. Lindsays house is “B”, Chateau Marmont is “C”. So instead of getting a room near the set, whenever her water bottle was out of vodka and she needed to rape a pile of coke, she would drive to a hotel that was half a mile past her house.

And just like the previous 100 billion times a company paid for an employees hotel room, Lindsay was expected to cover incidentals. That’s all she was charged for until June 15th. After that, the producers were still paying for her room, but now that room was in the Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey, because, yes, it only took 2 weeks for her to figure out that walking 15 feet to a luxury hotel is easier than driving 25 minutes to one.

The move paid immediate dividends. Except that she was found unconscious that very same day. Obviously I meant other than that.

Now, since the movie wasn’t paying for her room at Marmont anymore, you might be wondering why Lindsay didn’t leave, why she didn’t check out, but keep in mind that Lindsay is a moron, and if she could she’d tell you and your perfectly reasonable questions to go fuck yourselves.

Of course it is possible that she really did think the producers were paying for everything during filming. Since the movie wrapped on July 2nd, that would explain why she stocked up on $502 worth of tiny alcohol and gummi bears from the mini-bar on July 1st. Those producers took a big chance and hired her when no one else would, so why not fuck them over as much as possible, ya know? $19 for a Toblerone? YOLO.

And after that it was practically a holiday; surely the producers would want to thank their star and have her stay a few more days, and then charge over $2,500 in the hotels restaurants and bars on July 4th. And so that’s exactly what she did!

And the producers should pay for all that! They should pay the $20,000 the hotel is charging while she made the movie! And also the $26,000 the hotel is charging for the two months since then, because why not. What an honor this must be for them!

John Travoltas gay lover has an interview

By brendon August 29, 2012 @ 3:59 PM

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Back in June, the woman who was John Travolta’s personal secretary from 1978 to 1994 told the Enquirer that he had a secret gay lover. It was his private pilot, Doug Gotterba, and now Doug is “spilling all the secrets” of “their passionate six-year relationship” to the Enquirer too. I don’t have a dictionary in front of me but it doesn’t seem as if those two know what the word “secret” means.

Former pilot Doug Gotterba, 62, claims that the 58-year-old big screen heartthrob’s sexual appetite was insatiable, that he wanted to make a sex tape, and that he enjoyed cavorting with multiple male partners at a time.

This is only sort of relevant but I don’t like it when gay people are black because then it makes me look homophobic and racist when I’m actually just racist. It’s really unfair to me. Quite frankly it’s selfish of them, and I don’t appreciate it one bit.

naturally, Lindsay will not be prosecuted

By brendon August 28, 2012 @ 7:47 PM

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I hope no one thought that the city of Los Angeles might do something to Lindsay Lohan after she stole $100,000 in jewelry. Because no, they’re not gonna do shit now that Sam Magid, the guy who told police she robbed him, now says everything is fine. Gosh, I wonder what Lindsay could have done to change his mind.

Lindsay Lohan will not be prosecuted by the L.A. County District Attorney — TMZ has learned the D.A. just rejected the case … there is insufficient evidence to bring a burglary charge against the actress.
According to the D.A., Lindsay and Sam Magid — the rich guy who owns the house that was allegedly burglarized — have had a “longstanding relationship.” 
The D.A. claims Sam did not identify Lindsay as a suspect and the “potential eyewitnesses have refused to become involved.”
Additionally, none of the suspects were found in possession of the stolen property.

I’m honestly right on the verge of stealing some stuff from Lindsay, like her license and a scarf and her perfume, then killing a homeless guy and planting it on him.