Whenever I see lingerie ads, I assume they’re for women, because other than my Uncle Theo who we found out later in life was ‘Tina’ twice a week at a risque nightclub three counties over, men aren’t buying much lingerie. Outside of the idiots who can’t wait to hear their girls utter the phrase, ‘Great, so you think I’m a whore?’, silky underwear buying is better left to the wearer. Or to girls who giggle at bachelorette parties and talk about how ‘Steve is going to die when he sees you in this’. Those girls know full well that twelve months from now married Steve will not care how his wife dresses so much as he is wondering where the hell his blowjobs went.
Still, I’d like to buy shit for Nina Agdal to wear. Because hot girls make you stupid and forget all the rules. Fuck, I’d buy her a car and a house. If I had the money, or even if I didn’t. Variable rate loans are the bomb.
The cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church have locked themselves in the Sistine Chapel to pick the next pope. These old fuckers in red dresses are responsible for electing the guy who will save the Church…or not. Not to be overly-dramatic but the world’s most powerful Church is falling to pieces. Why? Because approximately 89% of people don’t like organizations that protect perverts that rape children. Cardinals in the U.S. are under suspicion for looking the other way while kiddie fiddlers were allowed to continue as priests. The Church is hemorrhaging members. It’s possibly the biggest crisis since the Protestant reformation. So, may I suggest a way to pick the next pope.
Take a Blu-Ray player into the Sistine Chapel and play a movie of kids in bathing suits playing at the beach. Then tell them to raise their fruity capes to check for boners. Anyone with a stiffy is immediately beaten to death with a 2×4. Anyone who tries to help these shitburgers also gets beaten. Whoever is left… say hello to your new Pope.
You can have your European topless beaches, I’ve been to them. It’s mostly German women with the Akebono body types and Hair Club dudes hanging greasy in their banana hammocks. I’ll take Malibu. The beach where the crazy hot women like Heidi Klum go to bone their bodyguards and where chicks like Alessandra Ambrosio do bikini shoots for Victoria’s Secret. And I’ll take a tiny bikini on a woman. If you can’t easily imagine getting that tiny thing off, then it’s probably time to return your nuts to the man store.
Somewhere down in South America, the masses are still mourning the death of Hugo Chavez, which is weird considering how badly he fucked up his own country, but, meh, sometimes people are just dumb when they remember the dead. Cases like Chavez, where people mourn somebody more than the person deserves to be mourned, happen a lot with celebrities. Here’s five cases where celebrities are hallowed much more in their passing than they deserved in their actual lives prior to their death.
Anna Nicole Smith
Cause of Death: Drug Overdose
Anna Nicole Smith became a household name by conning a 89 year old rich dude into marrying her so she could inherit his fortune. She stayed a household name by being a crazy, white-trashy, drug-addled whore. That last part pretty much sums up her ‘tragic’ and ‘untimely’ death. Tragic and untimely are in quotes because that’s what the mainstream media called it, and her dying was pretty much the opposite of those concepts.
Not tragic because, well, she didn’t sing. Or act. Or dance. Or invent an AIDS vaccine. Or spend her free time traveling to Africa to build houses. She didn’t really do anything. The world lost nothing but a grown-ass version of Honey Boo Boo. And not untimely because, well, dying after months of popping opiates and prescription pills is pretty much the definition of timely.
Ice-T was out shopping with his wife, Nicole “Coco” Austin, yesterday in Los Angeles before grabbing lunch in West Hollywood, and everything seemed fine between them as she stopped to stretch and remind everyone that she has cartoonishly large breasts. But their appearance together is somewhat odd, because a bunch sites have been claiming that Ice-T filed for divorce last week.
A rapper named AP.9, who has written such hits as “Nobody Has Ever Heard of Me” and “You May Recognize Me from Taco Bell”, released some pictures of him and Coco to San Francisco’s 106 KMEL, and he claims that they are evidence that he slept with Ice-T’s wife. Two of the pictures show AP.9 grabbing her giant ass, while another has a cat photoshopped over what appears to be her exposed vagina. Additionally, AP.9 released a text message that he sent Ice-T back in December, admitting that he slept with Coco but also claiming that he had to look out for his reputation.
What’s sad about this isn’t that Coco may have cheated on Ice-T. It’s that 30 years ago, this AP.9 guy would have disappeared within minutes of telling Ice-T that he nailed his wife. Now they’ll probably just turn it into an episode of Law & Order SVU and Ice-T will get a manicure. Rappers used to be so much scarier.
Jason Sudeikis seems like an all right guy and he’d be fun to hang out with at a TGI Friday’s karaoke night in an Illinois suburb, but the fact that he landed Olivia Wilde is just mind-blowing. On top of being a decent actress and extremely good-looking, she may also be the most humble woman on the planet, because she talks about Jason like he’s Daddy Long Dong and she’s just some humble concubine here to please her man.
She tells Marie Claire magazine, “I thought, ‘He won’t be interested in me; I’m not a contender.’ He was so cool, so funny – I was such a fan of his and had always fancied his speed and his intelligence. He’s a brilliant actor with a brain like lightning. I thought ‘I’m not beautiful enough or his type.’ I couldn’t wait to sit down and hear him talk.” (San Francisco Chronicle)
Even worse, she goes on to talk about how she wants to have kids with him, so she’s almost a lost cause at this point. The good news is that she’s still willing to cater to her pervert fans, as she told a guy from Geekscape at SXSW that she’d love to play Wonder Woman in a Justice League movie. Of course, when you hear her say that, she might as well be making air quotes, because she’s just being nice, kind of like how you’d expect her to act if you started crying and begging her for sex.
Girls on wheels are hot. Rollerskates, bicycles, motorcycles, hospital gurneys on their way to get larger tits. Anything that rolls makes girls roll hotter. It’s like wearing high heels or a slinky dress or the jizz from their most recent conquest on their cheek. It just adds to the seduction that is woman.
Adriana Lima is already one of the world’s best looking women. She’s from Brazil, where 10 million of the world’s best looking women reside. And Adriana Lima might just be their queen. Which is why Victoria’s Secret pays her a bundle to promote their Malaysian sweat shop crafted feel-good apparel for women. If you wear their clothes, you will look like Adriana. But you’re going to need a bike.
Elle Macpherson will turn 49 later this month, which is remarkable because she still looks as hot as she did when she was in her 30s. It has to be something in the water specific to Australia, because New Zealand’s Rachel Hunter is younger than Elle and looks like she sleeps in a pile of dirty laundry every night. And that’s probably why Elle (pictured with someone she isn’t marrying) is still able to snag younger billionaires, because she’s now engaged to 43-year old hotel heir Jeffrey Soffer.
Elle Macpherson and Jeffrey Soffer dated for two years before breaking up last March.
Now, one year later, the pair is not only back together, they’re engaged!
A source tells Access Hollywood that Elle and the billionaire Miami-based real estate developer are set to wed.
The Australian supermodel, 49, will move to Florida to be with her fiance. (Access Hollywood)
Word is that Elle and Jeffrey rekindled their romance only after he’d been injured in a helicopter crash, which is a brilliant move by the former supermodel. It’s a lot easier to fake an overdose when her husband is taking serious prescription pain medication for his wounded back. Once Jeffrey’s out of the picture, her and Rachel can take all of his money and run off on their own lesbian Thelma and Louise adventure, because they may be old but every one of us would still watch the hell out of that.