Heidi Klum Might Not Have Any Nipples

By Travis July 17, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

If there’s one thing that Heidi Klum loves more than being a world famous super model earning more money in a month than most people in Detroit will earn in their lives, it’s almost showing her tits on Twitter. But as I’ve become quite the fan of her semi-nude efforts in entertaining her 1.6 million followers, I’ve found myself wondering why she never shows her nipples and if she even has nipples at all.

And for that matter, why has she never pleasured herself in a hot tub? I’m afraid until I see pictures of either, I’m just going to continue thinking that Heidi is a fraud.

Asiana Airlines Horribly Wrong Attorney Naming Contest For Money

By Lex July 16, 2013 @ 6:17 PM

Update 7/17: Seeing as how Asiana dropped their lawsuit suddenly, this contest is ending at 3pm Pacific today. Get your entries in now, lazy ass mofo.

When I think about how much trouble I’m going to get in for this, I get very happy. Given that Asian Airlines is now officially suing KTVU over the four crap-in-your-pants funny made up pilot names, it’s time for you to name their attorney.

Tweet us what you believe will be the name of the Asiana Airlines attorney. Most horribly creative wins a $250 Amazon gift card. No matter where you come from, we’re all needlessly yet instinctively born racist bastards. The key is to be amusing and smile in the process. Just ask Paula Deen. I mean, Paula Deen before this past April.

Tweet your entry to @DurdenShat. Try to follow so it’s not a pain in the ass to find you when you win. Contest ends Friday at noon Pacific.

P.S. All venom, spite, and anger in or of related to this contest is aimed at Asiana Airlines who seem less interested in why their pilots had no idea how to properly land an airplane and more interested in suing over being butt hurt because a TV news station got pranked.

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. Begins on or about 6/5/13 & ends when the future  succubus is born. Open to legal residents of the US & DC (excl. AK, HI, PR & all US territories), who are at least 21 yrs old. AK, HI, PR, all US territories & where restricted or prohibited by law.  Sponsor: SPINMEDIA.

Alexis Bellino In A Bikini

By Lex July 16, 2013 @ 5:36 PM

Alexis Bellino In A Bikini At Laguna Beach
The more Bravo trots out middle-aged drunks with plastic surgery scars for their reality shows, the more I realize their survey data shows this is what appeals to gay men and their older female BFFs. These folks will occasionally try argue with straight men that they must love so-and-so on these shows because they have ‘big tits’, which makes you realize they have no concept of what appeals to straight men. Everything in context. Big tits in general — time for daddy to make it rain. Big tits on a cellulite laden boozy Franken-mommy with a strong hint of tranny. Meh, just a little less.

Here’s Alexis Bellino from The Real Housewives of Orange County. Maybe related.

Photo Credit: Splash

Cory Monteith Toxicology: Heroin and Alcohol

By Lex July 16, 2013 @ 5:07 PM

It comes as absolutely zero surprise that Cory Monteith died from a drug overdose. Or just drugs I guess. They like to use the word overdose as if there’s some standardly approved dose of heroin to put in your body.  Which is the drug they found in Cory Monteith’s body in the initial autopsy, along with booze. I guess I was expecting a more creative combination. Heath Ledger’s cocktail was quite impressive. It’s sort of become the industry standard to throw in some prescription pharmaceuticals. Jack and heroin seems pretty old school. But there’s no school like the old school when you’re looking to check out early.

Jenny McCarthy ‘View’ Appointment Sparks Outrage

By Lex July 16, 2013 @ 3:57 PM

Tons of people who get outraged over seemingly unimportant shit are outraged over the hiring of not so funny but definitely good looking Jenny McCarthy to be a new replacement hostess on the view. I was going to get all righteous along with the outraged, until I realized they were questioning her intellectual legitimacy to be on the vaunted daytime talk show panel. Say what? Have these people ever seen The View? It’s like watching a bunch of girls chattering at the mall about who stole whose lipstick or boyfriend or morning-after pills. Except these malls girls are all wrinkled and crabby and smell like mustard. Jenny McCarthy may just be another sort of celebrity whose accomplishments by way of looks and tits make her feel like an expert on a bunch of matters she’s in no way qualified to comment on, but that alone qualifies her to be on The View. Now, please, everybody, STFU.  This isn’t the Supreme Court.

Justin Bieber Spits In Another Guy’s Face

By Jack July 16, 2013 @ 3:22 PM

Justin Bieber is in trouble again for spitting in a dude’s face. The incident allegedly happened when Biebs and his entourage were hanging at a club in Ohio. The dude was the DJ spinning at the Social Room in Columbus. Bieber’s people thought that he was taking pictures of the lesbian Fraggle and took away his phone. When they looked through it they saw that he hadn’t taken any pics of Biebs and his stupid stupid face. Regardless, Justin started sayin’ shit about the dude’s moms and shit and then spit in his face. They guy was tested for hepatitis after the incident but the tests came back negative. He should get checked out for douchebagitis because Bieber is dying of that shit.

You’ll recall that Bieber got in trouble for getting into a fight with a neighbor in his Calabasas neighborhood and spit in his face. Seriously, who spits in people’s faces? What are you, a maiden that’s been wronged by an unchivalrous knight? In the past we’ve seen Justin throwing his shoes at people and flipping the middle finger. He should just move to pulling hair and crying like a bitch. That’s what he’s doing on the inside.

 

Rihanna Goes Shopping In Her Swimsuit

By Lex July 16, 2013 @ 3:00 PM

Rihanna Goes Shopping In Her Swimsuit In Monte Carlo
Rihanna can do shit like going shopping in fancy French stores in her bathing suit, because, fuck you, she’s Rihanna. I kind of like that actually. I once tried to get a hot dog at a mini-mart in just my swimsuit bottoms and the store owner cursed me out in a string of utterances that would later be translated roughly to ‘I am doctor in my home country. Get out, white blob!’ I bet Rihanna doesn’t hear shit like that. But her average purchase is probably higher than 79-cents.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

AnnaLynne McCord In A Bikini

By Lex July 16, 2013 @ 1:52 PM

AnnaLynne McCord In A Yellow Bikini At The Beach In Los Angeles
AnnaLynne McCord always looks like she’s thinking something deep. It’s probably something more along the lines of ‘damn, every dude on this beach wishes he was up in my stuff’. Which may not be profound, but it’s certainly true.

Photo Credit: PCN