It’s hard to find a photo of Irina Shayk where she’s not wet. She’s always some degree of moistness in all her public appearances. I assume she has an assistant with an ionized spray bottle that keeps her personal humidity at a constant sub-tropical level. Men love to see a pre-moistened woman. It’s like having a valet warm your car and hand you the keys.
Here’s Irina in her promotional shoot for Dynamite.
If you are planning to visit the lovely capitals of Europe this summer, opt for the chicken. The EU randomly checked beef from all over Europe and found that it contains 5% horse meat. They also found an illegal horse steroid called phenylbutazone, (also known as bute). That’s right, Europeans have been politely munching on ‘roided out horses. The authorities started the investigation after the only-reason-to-go-to-fucking-Ikea meatballs were found to contain certain parts Mr. Ed. But what’s so wrong with eating horses?
It’s one of those ideas that really exists only in our heads that these animals over here are for eating and these over here are for teenage girls to put pictures of them on their walls. The Mongols ate horse meat and they were badasses that conquered half of Europe and Asia. Maybe if the Europeans incorporated some horse steak in their diet they wouldn’t such pussies. The cows aren’t going to complain.
If you’re like me, you’re too busy doing man stuff like fixing your car with a mallet and playing tackle football without pads and making love to many people online you believe to be women to have time to catch a show like Glee. You’re not the demo. But the thing about the shows not for guys is they tend to have lots of girls on them you wish you knew better. And what better way to get to know a woman than seeing her naked. Well, almost naked, Allure is a woman’s magazine. Women don’t like to see other vaginas, unless they’re women who love vaginas, in which case they’re reading the same magazines as you and I.
It is an undebatable fact that Allison Brie is incredibly gorgeous. She also knows there is absolutely nothing more attractive to a man than still photos in a magazine. So she was nice enough to take some and threw out some tips on how to possibly seduce her in the May issue of Esquire.
“If you’re a guy, you should get girls flowers all the time,” Miss Brie explained. “They never get old and you can never get them enough. I’m never disappointed when I get flowers. I always thought guys who buy women flowers are such fools. All it takes is one. A little goes a long way with flowers.”
Done, they are on the way. However, sometimes I’ll throw in an ironic twist and not buy you any flowers at all, just to keep you on your toes. But if that bold move backfires, I’ll go with the crying and begging until she has sex with me just to make me shut up. I learned that trick from my dog who always gets the biscuit.
Last night Amanda Bynes posted a video on Twitter with the caption “I’m Sucking On A Sour Patch Kid Listening To Music Getting Ready For Tonight”
What the fuck does this girl even do when she goes out, perform at underground Berlin style drag clubs? There have been few reports of her out in the celebrity Meatpacking District hot spots, only marching around Times Square with purses and FedEx envelopes on her head, or crying after her wig fell off at gymnastics glass or running naked into hair salons and threatening to sue mice for stealing her cheese. The worst part is that there are far more interesting crazy people roaming the streets of New York, like the homeless man I watched piss from his ass this morning while singing the National Anthem. I’d rather follow him. She’s hogging all the attention.
I was going to write about Kat Von D and how I used to think she was cool until she tattooed Jesse James on her body, then lasered him off, because she’s an idiot, and getting tattoos of every man you screw is a really bad habit. But now I can’t take my eyes off her ill-fitting body suit and an ass that belongs at a behind-the-service-station gentleman’s club. Shit is really falling apart. But, fear not, Kat has a book. Like every celebrity female tell-all, it might as well be called Lessons Learned from Banging Dudes I Shouldn’t Have. Other women gladly pay $19.95 to eat that lamentation up. If a guy whines about the women he’s slept with, other guys just kick him in the bobos and tell him to STFU. As it should be. Jesus, that ass.
The pleasure of taking an angry self-indulged Canadian midget into your castle keep may only last for but a few seconds, but the shame face lingers on indefinitely. Look to the horizon, Selena. You’ll get past this.