Speaking of huge breasts in Paris, Kate Upton took part in the Louis Vuitton runway show yesterday with more typical runway models like Eva Herzigova and Cara Delevingne, and I say more typical because Kate looks like she’s been on an Arby’s diet standing next to these two waifs. But that’s a good thing, because unlike Cara, Kate’s cheeks don’t look like her face is turning into a black hole. Still, Kate knows what’s up and also hit the street for a jog before the show, and I’m pretty sure we’re all disappointed that there isn’t an endless video of that.
(Photo Credits: Getty)
As Kim Kardashian continues to reconnect with all of her friends in the fashion industry at the Paris Fashion Week events, she’s also doing her best to make sure nobody talks about how she still looks pretty large after giving birth. Her method of choice? By shoving her gigantic mommy breasts in our faces and shaking them until our eyes pop out. It’s a pretty strong tactic, because I was originally sitting here, writing “Fatty” over and over, but now I just keep making squeezing motions with my hands while shouting, “HONK!”
(Photo Credits: Getty)
When a woman squirts a water bottle onto her chest in public, she’s trying to tell you something. Like, she has a fire burning within, or she’s steeped with desire, or she paid a lot of money for her new tits. I’d like to imagine it’s all three for Jennifer Nicole Lee, but, realistically, if the cameras go away, the fire within goes out pretty quickly.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
If I could sum up the manner in which I was reared, it would be shut the fuck up, I could care less about how you’re feeling, and what makes you think you’re so special. I always thought that was kind of a shitty way to raise kids, until I started seeing the millennial generation of mopes feeling blue because their English lit and Journalism degrees aren’t getting them directly into six-figure jobs at wildly creative agencies. They are immersed in the wonder of me special flower bullshit. They don’t want to march down the field for a touchdown, they just want to be given six points because way too many people that raised them told them how much their shit was beautiful.
Case in point, Marina Shifrin. She’s the chick with the big bottom who is the latest to express her disappointment in the world on YouTube. She quit her job at NMA, that Taiwanese animation company that makes quick cartoon riffs on celebrity news because her boss just wanted shit done fast, not awesome, thereby denying her inherent greatness. You see, Marina has learned that quantity and speed and audience reach matter in her line of work as much or more than quality. And not just in the world of animated celebrity spoofs, but in journalism as a whole:
“I am not saying that all journalism is bad. I am saying that most popular ‘journalism’ is bad. You can’t blame the writers, though, we’re scared into it. We’re the ones writing the stories about the poor job market, we’re the ones sitting in classes that have adopted the motto, ‘Journalism is dead.’ That’s why when we find a job that remotely carries even just the slightest essence of journalism we gently bend at the waist, place our elbows upon our desk and let the Clicks have their way with our posterior.”
Hold tight, brave Internet warrior. Your specialness shall not be thwarted. Don’t worry about those college loans, occupier, you shall be heard. If nothing else, you deserve recognition for finding a jacket that makes your ass look less huge.
Kim Kardashian wanted everyone at Paris Fashion Week to know that her genetic destiny to be a plump Armenian matron remains at bay for now. Her strict diet of amphetamines and chewing on her worn shoes before she mails them off to her fetish fans for thousands of dollars is starting to work, but she needs more time. Flashing a little tit helped everybody ignore her obvious large midsection for at least one more day. It’s a solid strategy until her starving body can consume enough of its own belly fat to get her back into non-stretch band pants. Expect a lot more tit shows in the next three to four weeks.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com, WENN
Miley Cyrus is just trying to ruin shit now. I used to think she was just a spastic chipmunk with scoliosis acting out against her parents divorce. Now I realize this ‘crazy sexy’ bit is running much deeper and far more insidious. First, she tanked Maxim magazine by letting them make more poor decisions. Then, she ruined furry cosplay sex by taking something beautiful and turning it into a Hieronymus Bosch rape scene from a mental ward. Finally, she stole Twerking from girls with big booties and handed it over to suburban white girls with flat asses. Now she’s out to drive a stake through the heart of the hot chick in a team jersey cliche. Who’s going to stop this destroyer of planets?
Zac Hanson got a gooey surprise after a fan spit in his face at a Hanson show. It seems that some weird guy who likes mid-nineties teen pop snuck on to the Hanson tour bus, probably to kill the brothers and wear their skin. While being ejected from the bus, the guy turned around and hocked a noteworthy sized loogie on Zac Hanson’s perfectly disheveled face. Hanson then just smiled and let the guy mope away because he might be a drummer, but he’s still a Hanson. It would be easy to dismiss this act of random spittle as something many of us wanted to do 15 years ago upon hearing Mmmbop for the 41st time. But it’s gross. Be a man and punch Hanson’s face into a bloody pulp. Destroy something beautiful then stand there and take the fallout. Spitting and running is Justin Bieber. You’ve just become what you set out to destroy.
Video source: Tricia Martin