Katy Perry And Riff Raff Have The Same Stylist

By Travis August 26, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

I don’t know which is worse: A) That Katy Perry showed up to the MTV Video Music Awards last night with her breasts completely covered up by the rug from a late-70s porn set, B) That Katy Perry rocked the stupid rich white lady wearing a grill schtick less than a week after Madonna’s old, veiny ass did it, or C) That Katy Perry stood on the red carpet and made the same stupid face with her dumb $1,000 grill as Riff Raff did on the very same night.

And it’s a trick multiple choice question, because the answer is: D) That Katy Perry has sex with John Mayer after he wrote a song whining about Taylor Swift.

(Photo Credits: Andres Otero/WENN.com)

Were The Kardashians The Anonymous Source Pinning Lamar Odom to a Crack Addiction?

By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 9:34 AM

You knew a response was coming to the Khloe kicking down motel room doors to find a cheating Lamar stories. Somebody has concocted the story that Lamar Odom is a crack fiend who avoided NBA drug testing by suddenly quitting the rock during the season, then hitting the pipe agains the minute the final buzzer blew. Then they leaked the story to TMZ. It’s a tale that seems to defy logic for anybody with a knowledge of crack or sports, perhaps maybe a bunch of cackling hellish hens in Calabasas? Lamar made his bed when he got into one with the big-boned girl in the coven. It’s like dating Michael Corleone’s sister, the future is full of doors that all open up to crappy endings. One day your lady is shrieking about how you can’t give her a black celebrity baby like her sisters, the next day you’re looking to spend nights with any other living female human being. Still, never go against the family, Lamar. You’re fucking toast now.

Video credit: excerpt from Putting Up with a Kardashian

Donnie Wahlberg Has Settled For Jenny McCarthy

By Travis August 26, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

At first, when I read that Donnie Wahlberg is now dating Jenny McCarthy and was her date to the Dancing With the Stars charity event on Saturday, I thought to myself, “This guy’s a surprisingly successful actor after he spent most of his younger years as the wannabe hard ass douchebag in a boy band filled with other generic douchebags, so why the fuck is he with a washed up, worn out attention whore like her?”

But then I realized that he’s still just Donnie Wahlberg, so he’s probably pretty happy to be playing with her only valuable assets, even if they’ve gone from midnight to 6 pm pretty quickly over the last few years.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Khloe Kardashian Told Us To Fuck Off

By Lex August 25, 2013 @ 7:11 PM

I’d have to blame my weekend of a massive toothache and regret at how crappy my fantasy football draft went for riling up Khloe Kardashinan this weekend. This is the weekend where somebody happened to start leaking stories to TMZ about Lamar being a drug addict and Khloe trying desperately to be his savior. The perfectly crafted victim’s tale. I wonder where that shit came from? Somebody had to call her on it. The waddling China doll of a positive-messaging machine finally cracked and dropped an F-bomb on Twitter. This goes well outside her approved ‘sugarbuns and lollipops’ inspirational voice messaging tone approved by her wranglers. I’m quite certain she’s not getting oats in her stall tonight.

Kate Beckinsale In A Bikini

By Lex August 23, 2013 @ 6:28 PM

Kate Beckinsale In A White Bikini Poolside Vacationing In Los Cabos
I’m not sure why the camera guys snapping pictures of celebrities in Mexico can’t get clearer photos. I think it’s got something to do with the tropical climate. Or maybe bribing the right local officials to get in normal lens range. For the right payoff in Mexico, you could get the police to bring a handcuffed Kate Beckinsale to an abandoned warehouse to shoot high res fetish porn photos. That price is exactly $600. Don’t try offering $400 for that service or you’ll get kicked in the face. A friend told me.

Photo Credit: Splash

Chris Brown Says The LA DA Is Racist

By Jack August 23, 2013 @ 3:48 PM

Everyone’s favorite woman beating dickhole, Chris Brown, is accusing the LA County DA of racism for not accepting his bogus community service forms. It seems that the “singer” fudged some of his community service hours and the DA was all like, “Nuh uh. I call bullshit Chris Brown!”, and he was all like, “Hell yes, bitch! Y’all are racist”. He had to fulfil the community service as part of his sentence for beating the living dogshit out of Rihanna. The judge added another 1000 hours to his sentence for being a shitdick. But in Chris Brown land the fact that they won’t accept his bullshit hours makes the DA racist. Sure, the LA County DA is a Black woman, but so what? Brown tweeted,

“Nigga done 6 months community service wit police and the DA racist ass crying to the judge that I didn’t do it.  Fuck the SYSTEM!”

This guy really is the biggest fucking toolbag on earth. Look dude, you beat up a really famous woman. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? He got off easy with some community service hours due, I’m sure, to the fact that in America it doesn’t matter what color your skin is so long as you are rich and famous. Yeah, real racist. I hope Chris Brown goes to jail one day and gets his crannies violated by a racially mixed biker.

Christina Hendricks To Play a Stripper In New Film

By Lex August 23, 2013 @ 3:35 PM

Christina Hendricks Cleavage At The 63rd Primetime Emmy Awards In Los Angeles
The film’s called Dark Places. Christina Hendricks plays a stripper in the film. I’m sure the movie is going to involve the work of many talented people working many long hours. But I’m only going to pay ten bucks to see this film if Christina Hendricks shows her big yams. You can’t start marketing Christina Hendricks plays a stripper and then not deliver tits. It’d be like learning your priest isn’t really giving you special prayer time in the rectory because he wants to ensure your place in heaven. I can’t handle another sodomy level disappointment.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Childhood Is Officially Dead, Ben Affleck Is Batman

By Jack August 23, 2013 @ 2:14 PM

Ben Affleck is going to play Batman in the sequel to Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel. Let that sink in. If you need a moment to go into the bathroom and cry and cut yourself, I understand. Snyder announced at Comic-Con this year that in the next Superman movie the Man of Steel would team up with Batman. The question then became who would play Batman now that Christian Bale screamed and emoted that he doesn’t want to do it anymore. Oceans of cyber-ink were spilled by nerds in chat rooms endlessly speculating about who it could be. No one saw this coming. Sure, Affleck turned out to be a pretty decent film director but he’s also seen far and wide as a bit of a softie, pretty boy, limited skills actor. Granted, he is one of the few actors in Hollywood who still has sex with women, so there’s that if it helps you sleep at night.