Natalie Portman Could Use a Decent Meal

By Lex June 21, 2013 @ 12:21 PM

Natalie Portman In Low Cut Dress At A Benefit Gala In Los Angeles
Natalie Portman used to be the shit. The bomb. The little Jewish girl who could. I’m not sure what happened to her. She married a gay ballet dancer and they somehow produced a child and then she disappeared after what appears like many months of hardcore fasting. No woman should ever have bony cheeks. It’s a sign that they hate food. And women who hate food also hate men. I paint with a very broad brush. Still, just to be safe, find yourself a girl whose eyes light up at the Hometown Buffet. She’s probably going to be fun in the sack.

Photo Credit: Getty

Kanye And Kim Named Baby North West

By Jack June 21, 2013 @ 11:29 AM

North West. That’s what Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have named their bastard daughter. There had been rumors since March that they would name the baby North, but Kim denied it. You know, because it’s fucking stupid. But I guess she gave in to the pressure exerted by Kanye West’s ego to make a geographical direction about him. I bet he thought he was real fucking clever when he came up with it too. “Yo, Kim. You know how, like, my name is West? And how, like, there is a south and northwest? Yo, I’m’a ’bout to blow yo mind: we call the baby North West! I am such a fuckin’ genius, bitch!”

No. No, you’re not. You are a douche. Celebrities love to give their kids stupid names not imagining what kind of impact it will have. I can just imagine what the name North will one day evoke. Waiters and household staff will be tormented by this child and they will curse the name of North. Her and Blue Ivy Carter will blow into Bergdorfs and the employees will say, “Fuck! It’s that North bitch and her friend Blue.” Your GPS will say things like, “Head North, like Kimye’s bitch daughter, and turn left at…”.

You might be saying, “But she’s a baby, how can you call her a bitch?” She is Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s baby. It is genetically impossible for her to be anything less than the worst person on Earth. Let’s skip the pleasantries.

Kendall Jenner Is Trying To Get You Arrested

By Travis June 21, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Kendall Jenner wants to use her family’s fame – that was achieved when Robert Kardashian helped keep a murderer out of jail and Kim Kardashian had sex on camera for money – to help her become a Victoria’s Secret model, and that’s great because most kids are ambitionless morons these days. So in the meantime, she’s still showing up to red carpet events like the Sugar Factory American Brasserie opening yesterday in New York City to strut her stuff for the camera.

The problem is that she’s still only 17, and while I’m sure Kris Jenner would sell her off to the first Saudi prince that made an offer, it’s kind of fucked up that this teenager is being paraded around like some sort of sex symbol. And please check back here on November 3 for a completely different opinion.

(Photo Credits: DJDM/Ivan Nikolov/

Claudia Jordan And Her Friend In Bikinis

By Lex June 21, 2013 @ 10:41 AM

Claudia Jordan And Her Friend In Bikinis At The Beach In Miami

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

My Dad… My Dad’s in Jail! (VIDEO)

By Lex June 21, 2013 @ 10:30 AM

At some point Rosa is going to be accepted for her Scratcher card and juice addiction and everyone on the block will blindly support Oscar when he’s busted for producing death porn. Sesame Street is all about acceptance. Including the new kid. Alex. You see, Alex has a problem. He can’t do shit with his dad because his dad’s i-n-c-a-r-c-e-r-a-t-e-d. It’s a big word. It means that Alex’s dad kidnapped and tortured five junior college co-eds and that’s why he can’t help Alex win this year’s Soap Box Derby. Let’s feel bad for Alex. Fuck the dead co-eds. If you’re not crying when the chick next to Alex admits that her dad is i-n-c-a-r-c-e-r-a-t-e-d too, then you don’t have a damn heart.

Jake Gyllenhaal Might Be Dating Alyssa Miller

By Travis June 21, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Jake Gyllenhaal has quite the understated image when it comes to the ladies that he dates, because he doesn’t get nearly enough credit for the quality he pulls. It’s even more impressive when you consider that it’s only gotten better since he starred in one of the worst movies of all-time, Prince of Persia. Case in point, according to the New York Post, Jake has traded in one Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model, EmilyDiDonato, for another in Alyssa Miller.

I don’t know much about Alyssa other than she looks fantastic in a bathing suit and that she shows up to events holding copies of her magazine. It’s a good method for both reminding douchebags not to bother and helping her in case she suddenly develops amnesia.

(Photo Credits:

Kendall Jenner With A Lollipop At Sugar Factory American Brasserie Opening

By Lex June 21, 2013 @ 9:53 AM

Kendall Jenner With A Lollipop At The Grand Opening Of Sugar Factory American Brasserie In New York

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN, WENN

Kid Rock Thinks Justin Bieber Is The New Vanilla Ice (VIDEO)

By Travis June 21, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Kid Rock appeared on the Howard Stern show earlier this week to talk about his new tour, and for some reason he decided to take a moment to comment on Justin Bieber’s current career “trajectory”, comparing the 19-year old to 90s rap embarrassment Vanilla Ice. As Stern correctly points out, the difference is that Vanilla Ice was a one-hit wonder, but Kid Rock took the insult a step further by saying that Bieber has no hits.

I’m all for ripping on the swaggy douchebag as much as possible, and if Suge Knight wants to dangle Bieber out a window, that’s cool, too. But I don’t think I’m ready to watch Bieber’s and Kid Rock’s fans go at it. I’m pretty sure the apocalypse comes next.