Oscars Nominate Films Nobody Watches Again

By Lex January 16, 2014 @ 6:04 PM

Everybody loves to watch The Oscars even though nobody watches the films they nominate every year. Out of the nine films nominated for Best Picture, only Gravity made it into the Top 25 films in ticket sales for 2013. Gravity only made it because people went to see if after their buddy told them it was Sandra Bullock in her panties blowing shit up in space. That is a decent hook. I don’t trust people who try to hide what they really do. Hollywood makes comic book movies and sequels and mindless action movies and raunchy comedies that people like to watch. Then once a year the same people get together and give each other awards for the shit they were actually proud of that nobody saw. It’s all okay because Ellen wears a tux better than you do. I don’t ask a lot of my whores, just honesty. I don’t mind hearing about how many men you rimmed to pay the rent, just don’t whip out your watercolor of Sad Pink Flower on Window Sill and tell me you’re really a painter.

Seth McFarlane is hosting the Oscars

By brendon October 01, 2012 @ 3:16 PM

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Apparently it’s incredibly hard to recite pre-written jokes without completely fucking it up, so we’re down to this now: Seth McFarlane will host the Academy Awards on February 24th. Show producers told the LA Times

“We are thrilled to have Seth MacFarlane host the Oscars. His performing skills blend perfectly with our ideas for making the show entertaining and fresh.”

And it happens to be a guy who loves singing big dramatic musical numbers. So their “fresh” idea seems to mean, “that same crap Billy Crystal always did.” Because God knows Seth McFarlane is totally open to stealing other peoples material and recycling the same idea over and over again (*).

One change they should make is when they present the awards no one cares about like Sound Mixing, instead of someone good like Halle Berry they should have someone like Shelly Long and Alan Thicke come out. That way the winners don’t get any grandiose ideas about their place in Hollywood.

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Billy Crystal is hosting the Oscars

By brendon November 10, 2011 @ 7:05 PM

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So, as you can see, Billy Crystal announced today that he’ll be hosting the Academy Awards. So expect more jokes like that one. About the prescriptions. But what about the clock on his VCR? Does it blink 12:00 all the time? I get the feeling we’ll soon find out!

(source = twitter)

Brian Grazer will produce the Oscars

By brendon November 10, 2011 @ 1:30 AM

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Brian Grazer, one of the most accomplished and respected producers in Hollywood, has agreed to replace Brett Ratner as the producer for this years Oscar telecast. There’s still no host to replace the departed Eddie Murphy, but one of the top choices seems to be Neil Patrick Harris. Who will definitely rehearse if nothing else wink wink.

(source = hollywood reporter)

Eddie Murphy out as Oscar host

By brendon November 09, 2011 @ 3:30 PM

Brett Ratner is the one who convinced Eddie Murphy to host the Academy Awards on February 26th, so now that Ratner has been fired for saying “fag”, Murphy is stepping down too. Maybe because he really really likes saying “fag”.

(source = hollywood reporter)

Brett Ratner got fired from the Oscars

By brendon November 09, 2011 @ 11:02 AM

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Brett Ratner has been forced out as producer of this years Academy Awards telecast, and yes it’s because of Hollywoods predictably typical PC bullshit. Deadline says…

This comes hours after Academy president Tom Sherak said he was standing behind Ratner despite his using the word “fag” in a Q&A to promote Tower Heist, and speaking graphically about his sex life on the cable TV show Attack of the Show and also in a phone interview with the Howard Stern show.
Now, the biggest question is: Will Eddie Murphy stay on as Oscar host?

Brett Ratner is an asshole and a terrible director but holy shit this is stupid. He obviously wasn’t saying anything homophobic. But now the show needs a new producer and a new direction. Here’s a few suggestions…

- make the losers leave.
- If the winner is ugly just bring the statue to them and let them wave from the crowd.
- If the winner is some foreigner hire a fake interpreter and have him say stuff like “America sucks” and “wow there are a lot of blacks in here.”