4:04 – okay if I have to watch this nonsense, I’m draggin you down with me.  You’re not special. 

4:11 – even after a few years, it's weird to see Heidi Klum and Seal together.  He seems like the nicest guy in the world, but she’s so hot, and he looks like something on Star Trek.  He must have a duraflame log between his legs.   

4:18 – Robert Pattinson either has downs or hes baked ALL the time.

4:20 - I didn't think Matthew Broderick could look any fruitier.  I stand corrected.  He might as well have hot-pants that show the bottom of his ass cheeks and a mesh t-shirt. 

4:24 - Anne Hathaway looks super giraffy.  With her weird long neck she's 8 inches above every one else.  She has this vacant look on her face all the time, and she's goofy looking to begin with so that doesn’t help.  She's dumb, plus goofy.  Doofy.

4:37 – wow so Ron Howard just told Ryan Seacrest that’s its looking “very much” like they’re going to make the Arrested Development movie.  Howard of course was the narrator and executive producer of the show.  I literally just squealed with delight.

4:41 - so I guess Angelina Jolie didn't get her 20 million dollar necklace, or else that story was nonsense to begin with.  She looks fuckin amazing though.  Her vagina could have a beak like a squids mouth, and it could snap things off when you put things in there, and I'd still take my chances.   

4:46 - Philip Seymour Hoffman is the coolest guy in the world.   

4:50 - Is Beyonce wearing a swim cap?  I guess when you have pointy elf ears, you're gonna wanna show em off.   

4:55 - That big Kardashian sister looks like Chyna now.  Sexy, yes? 

5:05 - Robin Roberts is the all time leading scorer in basketball for Southeastern Louisiana University.  Fascinating, huh.  

5:06 - If you want to interview Sarah Jessica Parker on the red carpet you could wave a carrot or make a trail of sugar cubes. 

5:17 - Anne Hathaway looks awful in HD.  Who has darker rings around their eyes, her or Rihanna?

*:33 - Hugh Jackman is like the most likable person on earth.  He should be good at this.  But it wont help the ratings.  People watched this shit when there was like 3 channels.  Now there's tivo and porn and porn on tivo. 

5:35 - I think I tried to make a capital "5" 

5:37 - Anne Hathaway is good at improv. 

5:43 - These little flashback montages are a good idea, because they have nothing to do with fuckin anything.  I understand other people had previously won these awards.  I get it.   

5:48 - Acting is the most important thing in the world, in case you couldn’t tell by the introductions for best supporting actress.   

5:51 - Penelope Cruz for Best Supporting Actress.  At the end she said she had to finish her speech in Spanish.  Which is the only way I knew anything before that was supposed to be English.

5:59 - I like what they’re doing for the Best Screenplay.  I don’t think most people realize how detailed a screenplay can be, how much of the direction and performance of the actors comes from screenplay.  It’s true, writers are the most amazing people on earth.  For example, I can bench press 800 pounds.

6:08 - Jack Black is about as funny as getting raped, and Jennifer Aniston is about as funny as attacked by a bear.  So together they're about as funny as getting raped by a bear. 

6:09 - Wall-E fuckin sucked.  Kung Fu Panda was better.

6:12 - Even if you wanted to see these animated shorts, and Jesus Christ why would you, where the hell would you do it?  Where do you find that shit.

6:13 - I think the Asian guy just thanked his pencil.

6:13 - The closed-captioning person completely bailed on the Asian guy.  They got to "i thank my parents" and then nothing

6:17 - Did they put Sarah Jessica Parker in a barn set?  Hahaha, you suck Sarah Jessica Parker.

6:23 - People realize this shit is televised right?  This isn’t you’re own personal broadcast.  Any other long and rambling names that no one has ever heard of that you wanna mention?

6:30 - Did not anticipate that man on man kiss scene.  It was a little startling.  Still sexier than Jennifer Aniston though.

6:37 - That’s the funniest thing Ben Stiller has done in ten years.  The bar was pretty low though.  The same thing would have been true if he had read a Family Circus.  

6:38 - Biel looks good, she looks like a girl for once.

6:47 - Stoner comedy is tough because stoners write it and what stoners find funny isn’t always what non-stoned people find funny.  You could jingle your keys and a stoner would freak the fuck out.   

6:55 - It's a tribute to Mr Peanut.

6:56 - Was that drumming sound as Beyonce walked down the stairs her thighs rubbing together? 

6:57 - Mama Mia is known for it's electrifying step dancing.   

7:04 - Ooohhh they got Cuba Gooding Jr, what a coup! 

7:05 - The people behind the nominees in the audience always deliver, the ones who have no idea they’re on TV.

7:07 - “I’m behind Frankenstein, I cant see!” 

7:10 - Heath Ledger was awesome. I really liked that dude.  I think as part of the healing process I should nail his hot ass sister. 

7:11 - Man On Wire was fantastic.  Another good documentary was the film I made about my neighbor in the shower.

7:12 - The Corpse Bride is accepting for best documentary. 

7:26 - I hope Will Smith will do one of his family friendly rhymes about shoes or basketball.

7:27 - His hair looks extra shiny tonight.

7:29 - The names Will Smith is reading are the only ones there who have any idea what the fuck sound editing is.

7:30 - "I wanna thank my crew, my niggas on the corner in St Lou…" 

7:31 - No one has any idea what these sound awards are, so they just nominate movies they liked. 

7:31 - Sexy Man Alert.   

7:46 - Jerry Lewis was famous for being funny when being funny had barely advanced past falling down and spraying seltzer.   

7:51 - Who the fuck is this orchestra leader dude talking to that he needs a headset this big?  Dead people? 

7:51 - Why's he talking to anyone?  Does he think he’s singing?

7:52 - Why does Alicia Keyes look Asian now.  Aricia Keyes.

7:54 - did that Indian guy just say, "before coming I was excited and terrified?"  What a sexy speech. 

8:04 - Where were all these Indian people when I needed someone to cheat off in algebra?

8:06 - I bet people go up to Calista Flockheart all the time and ask her if she ever thinks about doing a prime time series again.  Did anyone have any idea that Brothers and Sister was still on the air, or that was even a show to begin with? 

8:10 - Proper English is a foreign language in this country at this point.  The Dutchess should have won best foreign language film.

8:11 - Rawr, Queen Latifah is just poured into that dress.  Hubba-hubba!

8:12 - That’s not a ribbon on her dress.  She sat down and they had to fix it with electrical tape.

8:19 - Reese is wearing the sleeve from Queen Latifahs dress.  

8:22 - When is the American version of the Academy Awards? 

8:27 - A reminder that actors are the greatest people in the world. 

8:28 - Shirley McClain is right, Anne Hathaway is amazingly courageous.  I don't know how she does it, how she reads words someone wrote on a movie set.  She could die at any moment.

8:31 - Kidman looks older that Sophia Loren. 

8:32 - Why is Kate Winslett winning, she wasn't in Slumdog Millionaire.  THIS IS BULLSHIT!

8:34 - Winslett looks like Grace Kelly.  When she was alive, I mean. 

8:40 - A good way to illustrate how serious these awards are is to have Kung Fu Panda floating through the background.  The Academy nailed it. 

8:43 - Noooo, not this joyless fuck.

8:44 - Robin Wright has to be touched by Seans speech.  Especially the part where he talked about her.  Oh wait.

8:59 - All I learned about Slumdog is that I would nail the bejesus out of Frieda Pinto. 

Actually there’s probably zero chance this list is the real list of Academy Award winners.  Some are saying it is or at least might be (like NBC in LA), but the Academy says it can’t be because there is no list.  There is no letter sent out like this to academy officers.  Which makes sense. Why would there be, unless the academy is a bunch of degenerate gamblers.  It doesn’t even look official.  The report card I faked in the 8th grade looked better than this, and according to that I got two Es (Excellence) and a ;D (winking happy face).

This is bullshit.  Early this morning in Beverly Hills, the Academy Award nominees (see the entire list here) were announced, and as expected "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" leads the pack with 13, including Best Picture, Best Director for David Fincher and Best Actor for Brad Pitt.  Also as expected, Heath Ledger was nominated for his work in "The Dark Knight".  Now this is where everything goes to hell, because "Knight" didn’t get a nod for Best Picture or Best Director and "Gran Torino" was shut out completely.  "Torino" and "Man On Wire" were the best movies of the year, and they're gonna be ignored.   I'm sure "Wire" will lose to some hippie nonsense about war.  "Milk" was like watching a fish tank for two hours it was so damn dull, but of course it got the nod in all the major categories.  I’d rather have watched actual milk for two hours.  Just pour it in a bowl and I'll stare at it until noon.  There's no way that could be any more dull.

4:46pm - I don’t know who most of these people are, and I hate many of the ones that I do know, and also I didn’t see most of these movies, but I have heard of many of them, and I have seen several other movies, including Die Hard and one with dinosaurs.  So with that, here we go, live blogging the Academy Awards.

5:06pm - Conan O'Brien looks awful. Is he sick or something? 

5:27pm - What's red and has big teeth?   

5:30pm - I like the opening.  It's about time the actors got some of the attention.  For too long they've toiled in anonymity. 

5:37pm - Tommy Lee Jones looks like he'd be a lot of fun.

5:38pm - I'd rather watch "2 Girls 1 Cup" again than "Atonement".

5:50pm - So they did one award and then kissed their own ass for 10 minutes?  I hope they have time for Best Picture.  They have a pretty full plate. 

5:55pm - I'm glad that French movie won best make-up.  That lead actress went from a brunette to a brunette with her hair in a bun!  Sorcery!

6:16pm - Jennifer Hudson like's to.  Read.  The cue cards.  Haltingly.   

6:31pm - Do I have the wrong channel on?  Is this is English?  Are there subtitles available for this.

6:39pm - I think Javier Bardem should have won for Best Supporting Actress as well.   I know he wasn't nominated for that but so what.  He was that good.

6:53pm -  The chick singing that song is dating Seth Green.  Combined they're almost 18 inches tall.

7:05pm - The Oscar for Sound Editing is chosen by picking a name out of a hat, because no one has any idea what the fuck that is.

7:12pm - In case you’d forgotten, the Academy Awards would like to remind you that actors, even ones who aren’t nominated tonight and may or may not be alive, are fucking awesome.

7:12pm - I don't think it's a huge leap to announce that the chick who just won Best Actress must have given a ton of blowjobs in the past month.  Marion Cottiwho?  Who the fuck is that?

7:21pm - I don’t know who is singing this fourth song.  Does it even matter?  God this is fucking awful.

7:37pm - You know those vapid bourgeois fucks in the audience don't care about this old guy.  "Me me me!" 

7:49pm - Remember Monchichi?  It was a toy monkey.  If not, one is presenting Best Song right now. 

8:00pm - This is pretty much the only way "Atonement" is tolerable.

8:14pm - I'm so sick of hearing about discrimination.  It's nothing but an urban legend. 

9:20pm - The guy who won best documentary mentioned the Extraordinary Rendition program.  And the hippies all clapped and said, "yeeah".  How many people there do you think know it was created in 95 under Clinton.

9:32pm - The winner for best original screenplay used to be a striper in Minneapolis.  I won a Hot Buns competition in Panama City and am also a screenwriter.  Coincidence?  Umm, yes, actually.

9:42pm - was there any doubt Daniel Day Lewis was gonna win for Best Actor?  And that his acceptance speech would be confusing. 

9:43pm - Paul Thomas Anderson got screwed.



The Academy Awards are scheduled for Sunday, February 24th, but at this point no one knows what it will be like because of the ongoing writers strike.  Jon Stewart is scheduled to host but has said he won't cross a picket line, a sentiment shared by many actors.  Most actors are pretentious dicks but they have been extremely cool in their unwavering support of the writers.  It just goes to show you can't judge a book by it's cover.  Or by the pages inside apparently, because actors really are insufferable.  Anyway, in the sprit of optimism, the nominees were announced very early this morning.  Some of the highlights:

Best Picture: "Atonement," "Juno," "Michael Clayton," "No Country for Old Men," "There Will Be Blood."

Actor: George Clooney, "Michael Clayton"; Daniel Day-Lewis, "There Will Be Blood"; Johnny Depp, "Sweeney Todd the Demon Barber of Fleet Street"; Tommy Lee Jones, "In the Valley of Elah"; Viggo Mortensen, "Eastern Promises."

Actress: Cate Blanchett, "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"; Julie Christie, "Away From Her"; Marion Cotillard, "La Vie en Rose"; Laura Linney, "The Savages"; Ellen Page, "Juno."

Supporting Actor: Casey Affleck, "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"; Javier Bardem, "No Country for Old Men"; Hal Holbrook, "Into the Wild"; Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Charlie Wilson's War"; Tom Wilkinson, "Michael Clayton."

Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett, "I'm Not There"; Ruby Dee, "American Gangster"; Saoirse Ronan, "Atonement"; Amy Ryan, "Gone Baby Gone"; Tilda Swinton, "Michael Clayton."

Director: Julian Schnabel, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"; Jason Reitman, "Juno"; Tony Gilroy, "Michael Clayton"; Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, "No Country for Old Men"; Paul Thomas Anderson, "There Will Be Blood."

It seems the big story is all the nominations for "Juno".  I never saw that one.  It sounds like a board game that involves steady hands and cunning.  The big surprise is probably Angelina Jolie not getting a nod for "A Mighty Heart", a movie seemingly made for that one reason.  Their mistake was making Angelina all ugly.  No one wants to go to a movie and look at ugly people.  It could have been the same movie but with Angelina in a half shirt and boy shorts, and with way less talking and way more car washing.  These people have a lot to learn about how to make a good movie.