Ben Affleck Hunky Slave Owner

By Lex May 18, 2015 @ 10:56 AM


Turns out Ben Affleck’s great-great-great grandfather wasn’t just a minor slave owner, he held a couple dozen African-Americans to his name, mostly inherited from his mother-in-law who also gave him her gravy boat and a portrait of a cat. Nobody gives a shit about Ben Affleck’s grand-pappy in Georgia investing in slavery except for Ben Affleck because being a righteous Brentwood warrior means never having to say you’re a hypocrite when labeling others as racists and haters. Affleck penned a letter to the PBS show embarrassing famous white people with their genealogy asking them to edit his slave owning relative Benjamin Cole out of the program. He wrote on Facebook that he was shocked and horrified to learn he had a slave owner relative because that’s something you say when you want to still be able to go on television and call people Islamophobes for noting that 99.9% of terrorists are Muslim. It’s complicated being right in your mind all the time. Probably should’ve held onto those slaves. You just can’t share your problems with the Central American immigrant house staff like you could your long serving negroes. Chicken George always knew the right words to say.

More on Ben Affleck Riddled With White Guilt

By Matt April 23, 2015 @ 6:34 AM


When Ben Affleck appeared on the PBS snooze fest Finding Your Roots, which traces the guest’s genealogy to the nearest Coppola, he successfully lobbied the show’s producers to exclude the revelation that one of his distant relatives owned slaves. The information was leaked in Sony’s hacked emails which are now being milked for any last drop of anything interesting. Affleck apologized for being a psychotic image obsessed douche:

“I didn’t want any television show about my family to include a guy who owned slaves. I was embarrassed. The very thought left a bad taste in my mouth.”

You didn’t do anything wrong Ben. At best you share 8o percent DNA with the dude who was raping Africa. Minimizing this country’s history of slavery doesn’t do any favors to anyone involved. If this was somebody with whom you politically disagreed, you’d be making snarky comments about it with Bill Maher over martinis and olives stuffed with non-disclosure agreements for your dates. Don’t trust anyone who’s squeaky clean. Beneath that shit eating grin there’s a plantation house in Augusta full of dubious ghost stories. Time to man up. I’d say your Batman fortune could provide some solid reparations. Sign here. Still waiting.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Ben Affleck Slave Shamed

By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 11:48 AM


Actor and super person Ben Affleck asked PBS to censor their documentary series Finding Your Roots where they revealed Affleck had an ancestor that owned slaves. Finding Your Roots is designed to inform white celebrities that their great-great-great-grand uncle ran a plantation and perhaps it’s time for a big fucking I’m So So Sorry for the camera. The show is hosted by Henry Louis Gates who you don’t know until I tell you he was the guy who got busted breaking into his own house several years ago requiring a ‘beer summit’ at the white house between Gates, the cop, and President Obama. That was super fucking embarrassing which is why we’ve all chosen to forget it.

Gates previously slave shamed Anderson Cooper and Ken Burns who both got to apologize on behalf of people they never met for lacking progressive thinking in the 1840′s. Affleck decided the appropriate course of action was to request on Garner-Affleck stationery that his slave owner family shame be edited out of the show prior to airing. Gates asked his inside Hollywood buddy, Sony Chief Michael Lynton, for his advice on what to do with Affleck’s request. Gates noted how horrible it would look for the PBS news brand and himself if he bowed to the request. Lynton let him in on a little trade secret: fuck your integrity, fuck PBS, grow up, this is Batman.

I would take it out if no one knows, but if it gets out that you are editing the material based on this kind of sensitivity then it gets tricky. Again, all things being equal I would definitely take it out.

By the time any journalist is asking if he should selectively censor content he’s just asking for a confirm to do the wrong thing. Everybody looks shitty in this story, except for perhaps Affleck’s slave owning ancestor who at least didn’t try to hide what he was. Life is full of ironies.

Gates issued a long form rationalization for why it made sense to focus on other parts of Affleck’s ancestors, like the less interesting less controversial and more heroic positive ones. I wouldn’t bother reading it unless you’re looking for a lesson in how to use long paragraphs to lie. PBS also issued a statement supporting Gates decision because now everybody is looking to cover their ass. You don’t get fifty more years of tax payer funded Big Bird if you start publicly admitting you’re full of shit.

Photo credit: Getty Images

The Most Boston Thing Ever

By Matt February 03, 2015 @ 7:34 AM


No matter what part of the country you’re from or which NFL team you support, it’s important to acknowledge that people from Boston are especially fucking annoying. The accents are unbecoming as are the stupid shamrock tattoos and being hammered on Seagrams. Most of the unpleasantness stems from the fact they have to constantly remind you they are from Boston. Like it’s the Emerald City. Or Austin or Miami or other places people actually move to rather than just being from originally.The four most Bostony Bostonians of all time got together to watch the Pats and talk about the old neighborhood at length. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck make movies about being handsome to the point of being gay but still from Boston. Bill Simmons talks about the Celtics more than the people on the team. Dicky Barrett is literally in a band called The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. If Marky Mark hadn’t three more Thai dry cleaners to burn down on the south side, he might’ve made the photo too. We get it. You guys are from Boston. The Pats are wicked awesome. One more word and I break this fucking camera.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Ben Affleck Defender of All Things Holy

By Lex October 08, 2014 @ 10:09 AM

I bet it sucks to be Muslim these days knowing other Muslims are beheading journalists and mowing down women with machine guns in the name of your same Holy One. Especially in the modern digital world where every bit of news is universally available. It was probably easier being Catholic during the Inquisitions when you could ignore all the bone stretching in the name of Jesus. You could earnestly say shit like, no, I actually have no fucking clue who Juan de Torquemada is. The nearest torture church is like seven days walk from here.

Ben Affleck tried to earn Brentwood points on the last episode of Bill Maher’s HBO show by calling Maher and his panelist out for being racist for suggesting Muslims seem to like to behead people and blow up pizza parlors. Bill Maher despises organized religion generally both for valid intellectual reasons and because it can get in the way of his banging an endless line of young models without feeling guilty. Maher is right in that almost the entire set of suicidal whack jobs are Muslims killing on the Imam’s orders. Ben Affleck is right in that 99% of Muslims will never slice off anyone’s head while praising Allah. You have to be careful about painting with a broad brush. Unless you’re looking to get your work done on time. People with tiny brushes tend to be super annoying picayunes about to ruin the Batman franchise with their man nipple suits.

Photo credit: HBO

Ben Affleck Jelly Spine And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 30, 2014 @ 12:32 PM


Kevin Smith revealed that his bromance with vagina-chinned Ben Affleck ended because Jennifer Garner thinks Smith is a foul mouthed fat stoner piece of shit. It’s unclear if she had problems with parts of that or all of that. More importantly, this is another tale in the fast growing legend that is pussy-whipped Ben Affleck.

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