By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 9:36 AM
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing amicably. They intend to remain great friends and even continue to live together to parent their three carefully named children. Which sounds an awful lot like being married, with the exception that all that side fucking is no longer cheating. It’s rather genius if you can pull it off. Affleck gets models on his dick at night and breakfast with the nuclear family the next morning. While Garner presumably gets to feel like she’s not hurting the kids because she married a dude who loves Pai Gow and Asian pussy.
They are not the first celebrity divorced couple to employ such cohabitation tactics. None have lasted on the same property past about six months or the first time they heard their ex screaming ‘I’m gonna cum so hard for you, you fucking whore!’ from the guest house. That’s just super hard to get used to. It’s unnatural to remain amicable with your former spouse. It’s the one person in the world you probably have good reason to hate. What has the leader of ISIS done to you personally? That’s right, nothing. But your ex betrayed your trust, lied to you, treated you like shit, took you for granted, and at some point, probably pissed on the toilet seat just to cause you aggravation. Tell me again how this is for the children? Don’t answer that. Here’s your Facebook like.
By Matt July 02, 2015 @ 8:13 AM
It’s unclear if Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing because he’s an alcoholic and gambling addict and his family owned slaves or because he’s a crappy husband. Usually one leads to the other. Few relationships end over a lack of blackjack and cigar smoking. He also might just be moving onto younger ass. The pair have been married for over ten years, which means in Hollywood terms they’ll be entombed eternally. Furthering the glass is half full viewpoint, how often do you find a straight actor anymore? The breakup was apparently mutual, meaning Affleck texted back a thumbs up emoji. It appears the two did no have a prenup or have any use for one since neither appears to be a gold digging whore. It was great while it lasted. On to the strip club then more meet and greets at the White House.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex June 25, 2015 @ 8:31 AM
PBS has suspended production of its third season of Finding Your Roots after an investigation revealed Ben Affleck successfully pressured the show to omit airing the fact that one of his great-great-grand-relatives was a slave owner in the antebellum South. The entire point of the show is to make famous white people feel stupid when presented with evidence that their ancestors were racist a-holes. Affleck’s strong arm came to light in the leaked Sony emails of last years, so mostly this is North Korea’s fault. Or as grandpappy Affleck used to say, the god damned Chinks. Fuck, ex-that out. PBS has decided the show needs some additional hires like a ‘fact checker’ and a legit genealogist. Nobody thought to include those on the org chart when producing a fact based shows about genealogy. Not to worry, tax payers are footing the bill and when you divide the cost by a hundred million filers, it’s hardly anything per person. Public television seems like an awesome idea until you think about it.
By Lex May 18, 2015 @ 10:56 AM
Turns out Ben Affleck’s great-great-great grandfather wasn’t just a minor slave owner, he held a couple dozen African-Americans to his name, mostly inherited from his mother-in-law who also gave him her gravy boat and a portrait of a cat. Nobody gives a shit about Ben Affleck’s grand-pappy in Georgia investing in slavery except for Ben Affleck because being a righteous Brentwood warrior means never having to say you’re a hypocrite when labeling others as racists and haters. Affleck penned a letter to the PBS show embarrassing famous white people with their genealogy asking them to edit his slave owning relative Benjamin Cole out of the program. He wrote on Facebook that he was shocked and horrified to learn he had a slave owner relative because that’s something you say when you want to still be able to go on television and call people Islamophobes for noting that 99.9% of terrorists are Muslim. It’s complicated being right in your mind all the time. Probably should’ve held onto those slaves. You just can’t share your problems with the Central American immigrant house staff like you could your long serving negroes. Chicken George always knew the right words to say.
By Matt April 23, 2015 @ 6:34 AM
When Ben Affleck appeared on the PBS snooze fest Finding Your Roots, which traces the guest’s genealogy to the nearest Coppola, he successfully lobbied the show’s producers to exclude the revelation that one of his distant relatives owned slaves. The information was leaked in Sony’s hacked emails which are now being milked for any last drop of anything interesting. Affleck apologized for being a psychotic image obsessed douche:
“I didn’t want any television show about my family to include a guy who owned slaves. I was embarrassed. The very thought left a bad taste in my mouth.”
You didn’t do anything wrong Ben. At best you share 8o percent DNA with the dude who was raping Africa. Minimizing this country’s history of slavery doesn’t do any favors to anyone involved. If this was somebody with whom you politically disagreed, you’d be making snarky comments about it with Bill Maher over martinis and olives stuffed with non-disclosure agreements for your dates. Don’t trust anyone who’s squeaky clean. Beneath that shit eating grin there’s a plantation house in Augusta full of dubious ghost stories. Time to man up. I’d say your Batman fortune could provide some solid reparations. Sign here. Still waiting.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 11:48 AM
Actor and super person Ben Affleck asked PBS to censor their documentary series Finding Your Roots where they revealed Affleck had an ancestor that owned slaves. Finding Your Roots is designed to inform white celebrities that their great-great-great-grand uncle ran a plantation and perhaps it’s time for a big fucking I’m So So Sorry for the camera. The show is hosted by Henry Louis Gates who you don’t know until I tell you he was the guy who got busted breaking into his own house several years ago requiring a ‘beer summit’ at the white house between Gates, the cop, and President Obama. That was super fucking embarrassing which is why we’ve all chosen to forget it.
Gates previously slave shamed Anderson Cooper and Ken Burns who both got to apologize on behalf of people they never met for lacking progressive thinking in the 1840′s. Affleck decided the appropriate course of action was to request on Garner-Affleck stationery that his slave owner family shame be edited out of the show prior to airing. Gates asked his inside Hollywood buddy, Sony Chief Michael Lynton, for his advice on what to do with Affleck’s request. Gates noted how horrible it would look for the PBS news brand and himself if he bowed to the request. Lynton let him in on a little trade secret: fuck your integrity, fuck PBS, grow up, this is Batman.
I would take it out if no one knows, but if it gets out that you are editing the material based on this kind of sensitivity then it gets tricky. Again, all things being equal I would definitely take it out.
By the time any journalist is asking if he should selectively censor content he’s just asking for a confirm to do the wrong thing. Everybody looks shitty in this story, except for perhaps Affleck’s slave owning ancestor who at least didn’t try to hide what he was. Life is full of ironies.
Gates issued a long form rationalization for why it made sense to focus on other parts of Affleck’s ancestors, like the less interesting less controversial and more heroic positive ones. I wouldn’t bother reading it unless you’re looking for a lesson in how to use long paragraphs to lie. PBS also issued a statement supporting Gates decision because now everybody is looking to cover their ass. You don’t get fifty more years of tax payer funded Big Bird if you start publicly admitting you’re full of shit.
Photo credit: Getty Images