Ben Affleck has been going through a bit of a midlife crisis this year. He fucked the nanny, which was a positive step. Then instead of getting a sports car like a real man, he got a giant back tattoo of a Phoenix. You were that close to fitting in finally.
Christine Ouzounian posted a photo of herself with a new Lexus, the knee jerk reaction being that Ben Affleck bought her the car to keep quiet or make him look super badass or both. I find this line of reasoning extremely sexist. It’s highly possible another super rich guy she’s fucking leased her the car or let her drive it. Also that ex nanny is bringing in a generous salary these days. In that case we need to adjust that gender pay thing gap. Not much is known of Ouzounian except that she increasingly appears to be the worst nanny alive. You’re putting the kids in that thing? There’s not even a roll bar. Fuck it let them ride in the trunk. TMZ insists their sources who loot vending machines are certain there was nothing inappropriate between her and Affleck and also that Harvey Levin has an adult penis so we’re back at square one. I told you to park my car not take a fucking picture with it.
Ben Affleck is looking different these days. Maybe it’s because he’s plowing his nanny or maybe it’s because he has a rocking pair of man tits. It’s like the nipples on the Batsuit in that shitty Batman and Robin movie all over again.
Ben Affleck is steadily denying he nailed his nanny while she appears to be milking the rumor for all it’s worth. Women love attention. Even if it’s in the form of dubious claims that you’re a home wrecker. People used to take pride in their job. Now they take pride in being fired for doing the one thing they’re no supposed to do at their job. It’s unclear how long this charade will last. Probably until Ouzounian runs out of outfits to walk to and from her car for no reason while the stupid paparazzi are camped outside her house in violation of Megan’s Law. Taking a private flight with a guy doesn’t mean something happened. Nine times out of ten it did but there’s always the chance he got drunk and passed out first. The point is it’s now obvious she definitely would. It’s the violation of trust that hurts. Also the visual of you being bent over an ottoman at 30,000 feet. But mostly it’s the trust. Pull the fire alarm.
Christine Ouzounian, the nanny who is letting everybody think she’s been fucking Ben Affleck during his split with his wife, let the world into her inner sanctum with an Instagram photo of herself being photographed by the paparazzi and a song quote, because this is middle school:
She’s just a girl and she’s on fire’ — Alicia Keys
I’m not sure you’re technically allowed to declare yourself on fire. It’s like giving yourself a nickname. It violates the social contract and many slices of humble pie. She’s the Donald Trump of fucking your famous boss. In a post-Kardashian world, you don’t even need to explain why.
This all could have been avoided with one pretty simple rule — don’t hire a fuckable nanny. Ever. Retain an old chubby Guatemalan lady. Schwarzenegger fucked his. But he’s the exception, not the rule. Run your candidates through a Kobayashi Maru. You want to fuck my husband to get famous, but you’ll destroy a good woman and three young kids in the process. See which way she helms the Enterprise. If it’s toward the José Eber for a makeover before tipping off the paparazzi, wish her luck at her new job at Menchies. This shouldn’t be that hard. Don’t bring younger hotter vagina into your own home. Not everybody’s fortunate enough to come up with Puerto Rican girlfriends for guidance.
It’s entirely possible the rumors Ben Affleck was porking the nanny, Christine Ouzounian, are false. In fact there is zero credible evidence to back it up. Except that she’s a hot Armenian chick in her late 20′s. If that’s who you’re hiring as a nanny, given all the information we have on what inevitably happens in this scenario, as a husband you deserve to fuck this chick, and as a wife you deserve to be cheated on. Either you wanted it to happen, or you’re just dumb. There’s no other possible option. Is there a shortage of portly middle aged Salvadorian women? You know the ones who can cook and don’t call in every other day because they’re feeling not pretty? You take your husband, who could fuck just about every chick outside of Wesleyan and set him up with a young hot chick who is by the way mothering his children, while you’re out shooting a passion project, and you expect him not to take out his Batman? I’m not sure if did it, but he certainly should have. You don’t poke a sleeping giant.