By Lex May 20, 2014 @ 3:10 PM
Nobody gets everything in life. You got the A-list movie career, the hot wife who is only half crazy with self-mutilation and third world adoptions, and the adoration of millions of fans. Men want to be you, women want to be with you. You’ve succeeded simply by being super fucking charming. The world is your god damned oyster, except, you throw like a girl. And you’re standing next to Drew Brees. He throws like a man. You’re girl tossing a brew over to Matthew McConaughey. Matthew’s the epitome of male and his dad played for the Packers, so he’s likely got some decent ball skills. Here you are under-handing a 12-oz can like you’re tossing a sweater to Tammy to pack for the debutante picnic. God simply doesn’t want anybody to be perfect.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 5:25 PM
All the buzz at the vegan juice bars this week is about how 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture at the Oscars, despite at least two Academy voters admitting they didn’t even watch the film. They voted for it because it just felt right. Nothing shocking really, since most people applauding this film have never seen it either. Movies about the Holocaust, The AIDS, and racism have been certain statue winners for decades now. You make a film about gay black Jews in Dachau trying desperately to smuggle in their AZT and you can start clearing space on your mantle. Even the costume designers are walking home with a trophy. While some people might take offense at the Academy members turing their votes into pure political messages, I think it’s hard to underestimate just how 12 Years a Slave has fundamentally changed the world:
“I think the African American community is glad the film was chosen as best picture because that is a validation of African American history and the pain and suffering within that history, and the survival of that history. In that way, it does help to heal.” — UCLA African-American studies professor, Brenda Stevenson
Tortured black slaves could probably only dream of a day that their story would be told in a Brad Pitt flick and win a jerry-rigged election based on white guilt. Short of reparations and school namings in the crappy parts of town, Academy Awards have to be the closest thing we all can do to make right what somebody you don’t know’s great-great-great-great grandparents did to get their cotton picked. Sure, we could focus on the brutalities and atrocities taking place in 2014, but only by reaching back to the 19th century can we win Best Picture. That other crap has to settle for Documentary Short.
By Lex February 17, 2014 @ 5:07 PM
It was a year ago that Angelina started to ensure she couldn’t ever get breast cancer by the logical step of getting rid of her breasts. The move was somewhat controversial given that there was no way to know if she’d even ever get breast cancer in the future, just a strong possibility. But Angelina was lauded by tons of important people for being super brave and proactive, a term typically reserved for politicians before they set about to ruin shit. To celebrate the anniversary of her bold decision, Angelina dressed just like her husband at the BAFTAs award so that British people could have their secretly horrible turn to wonder if Brad still bangs his wife or not.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Jack November 26, 2013 @ 1:54 PM
What do you buy the man that already has everything? A fucking heart-shaped island, of course! At least that’s what the once hot Angelina Jolie got for Brad Pitt for his 50th birthday. Petra island is a small rock 50 miles off the coast of New York City that has two houses built by the great American architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Pitt is apparently a Lloyd Wright fan, so naturally he should get both as well as the rest of the island, right? Well, of course! He deserves all the best. After all it’s not easy dressing up and playing pretend. Oh wait, it totally fucking is.
It makes sense that Angelina Jolie is now buying up remote islands. She can staff the islands with discreet medical teams prepared to lop off her body parts as genetics testing reveals her chances for various future diseases. At some point, she’ll come back to the mainland as merely a portion of torso encased in a saline filled bio-suit. But Brad will still love her. Because he’s that kind of a guy. The guy who gets islands for his birthday.
By Travis August 14, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
It has been eight years since Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt divorced so he could go about not feeling guilty over having crazy monkey sex with Angelina Jolie every day for the rest of his life, and while the star of We’re the Millers is now engaged to that other guy who isn’t nearly as famous as Brad, people still love talking about Jen’s poor, broken heart. As it turns out, Jen and Angelina were scheduled to be on the same flight from L.A. to London on Sunday night, and that would have basically been Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa rolled up into one perfect present for every website on the planet.
Unfortunately, some dick at British Airways realized what was going on and contacted Jen’s people in order to change her flight plans, unbeknownst to the actress. Although, I’m sure that once she found out, she ordered her publicist to schedule an interview with Oprah to talk about how she doesn’t want to talk about Brad anymore, because her life is all about that other guy now. The one who isn’t Brad.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
By Lex June 03, 2013 @ 5:24 PM
Here’s a little tip for the ladies. If a man informs you that he has an unusual illness that in any way shape or form might lead him to sleep with another woman, he’s going to use that illness as a crutch to cheat on you. Consider that a lock. Take Brad Pitt for instance. Suddenly after Angelina Jolie decides to cut off her breasts, he comes down with Prosopagnosia. He can’t recognize faces. That’s awfully convenient for a man who might find himself boning a production assistant and, naturally, just assume it’s Angelina since he can’t make out her face. He might have to dickslay a thousand women before he gets back to the woman he actually has someday promised to marry. That illness is a bitch. I hope Angelina understands. She has future cancer. Granted, Pitt has never actually been tested for this rare neurological issue. But I’m sure he’ll get right on that.
Here’s Angelina at the World War Z premiere in London. When this film began production, Angelina had both her boobs and was 19-years old.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN