By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 7:11 AM
Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert DeNiro will reportedly each make $13 million dollars for two days filming a short movie to promote a new casino in Macau. The Studio City is a movie themed mega casino, which should bode well for Arab oil execs looking to bang hairless boys and brush up on French New Wave. Martin Scorsese will be directing the film as part of his lifelong quest for cinema that inspires hitting on a soft seventeen.
Once actors near middle age they all realize those late nights getting high with their broke buddies and waxing about Mickey Rourke were a huge waste of time. You want to focus on minimal work for the highest reward. That’s why you became an actor in the first place. Sure it was sad when you saw DeNiro start being the laughable tough guy in crappy soft comedies, but losing your balls is just part of getting old. I salute Pitt and DiCaprio for staying true to their current priorities, pussy and boats. Don’t let James Lipton fool you, love of the craft is not what’s getting these guys up for hair and makeup at four a.m.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 10:27 AM
A woman who decapitates her boobs because of possible future cancer isn’t the kind of woman that waits around for shit. After just twelve years of making, extricating, and PayPal-ing for babies with Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie decided to get hitched. They were running that line for a while about how they couldn’t get married until all the gay people in the world had the same right. Also, until Taco Bell started serving breakfast. The two signs of a progressive society. Without being able to find any more excuses, the couple vowed to love honor and cherish each other, mother earth, and the subjugated tribes of the Southern Sudan. Angelina wore a bridal gown decorated with art work from her seventeen or so children. It was sort of like a congratulations, you’re no longer blended family bastards, now gimme your crayon drawings. Some were happy family drawings, some rainbows and sunshine, but the troubled one from Southeast Asia brought down the mood with his Killing Fields depiction. Congratulations to the newlyweds for at least not putting naked photos of themselves on iCloud.
Photo Credit: Hello! and People
By Jack August 28, 2014 @ 12:14 PM
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in secret and no one gave a flying fuck. It’s not like it’s 2002 when you were on the cover of magazines and Angelina had yet to cut off her breasts. What’s the fucking point of getting married after having 85 kids together. It is too late.
Read all about the douchey nuptials. (The Superficial)
Kristen Stewart says it isn’t that she’s a shitty actress it’s that everyone else is shittier. (Dlisted)
Kendall Jenner in a swimsuit makes me think bad thoughts. (Popoholic)
Miley Cyrus gets naked…again…for V magazine. (Huffington Post)
Alessandra Ambrosio is in her underwear in Vogue Brazil. (COED)
Amber Heard topless. That is all. (Hollywood Tuna)
Lizzy Caplan is a master of sex in her panties. See what I did there? (Drunken Stepfather)
By Travis May 29, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Serial red carpet asshole Vitalii Sediuk has tried to “prank” some of Hollywood’s biggest stars in the past, having shoved his face in Bradley Cooper’s and Leonardo DiCaprio’s crotches at movie premieres to the delight of no one, and Will Smith even slapped him in the face for trying to kiss him. Last night, at the premiere of Maleficent at the El Capitan theater, Vitalii reportedly broke through a barrier and rushed past security guards to hit Brad Pitt in the face, which sounds like a terrible idea. Of all of the pampered, lipstick-covered asses of celebrities that you could try to take a swing at, Brad seems like one of the few guys who might try to go punch-for-punch. It sounds fun in theory, but you have to remember that Brad’s security guys will be holding you down while it happens, and that’s how you end up with an Oscar statue in your butthole.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex May 20, 2014 @ 3:10 PM
Nobody gets everything in life. You got the A-list movie career, the hot wife who is only half crazy with self-mutilation and third world adoptions, and the adoration of millions of fans. Men want to be you, women want to be with you. You’ve succeeded simply by being super fucking charming. The world is your god damned oyster, except, you throw like a girl. And you’re standing next to Drew Brees. He throws like a man. You’re girl tossing a brew over to Matthew McConaughey. Matthew’s the epitome of male and his dad played for the Packers, so he’s likely got some decent ball skills. Here you are under-handing a 12-oz can like you’re tossing a sweater to Tammy to pack for the debutante picnic. God simply doesn’t want anybody to be perfect.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 5:25 PM
All the buzz at the vegan juice bars this week is about how 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture at the Oscars, despite at least two Academy voters admitting they didn’t even watch the film. They voted for it because it just felt right. Nothing shocking really, since most people applauding this film have never seen it either. Movies about the Holocaust, The AIDS, and racism have been certain statue winners for decades now. You make a film about gay black Jews in Dachau trying desperately to smuggle in their AZT and you can start clearing space on your mantle. Even the costume designers are walking home with a trophy. While some people might take offense at the Academy members turing their votes into pure political messages, I think it’s hard to underestimate just how 12 Years a Slave has fundamentally changed the world:
“I think the African American community is glad the film was chosen as best picture because that is a validation of African American history and the pain and suffering within that history, and the survival of that history. In that way, it does help to heal.” — UCLA African-American studies professor, Brenda Stevenson
Tortured black slaves could probably only dream of a day that their story would be told in a Brad Pitt flick and win a jerry-rigged election based on white guilt. Short of reparations and school namings in the crappy parts of town, Academy Awards have to be the closest thing we all can do to make right what somebody you don’t know’s great-great-great-great grandparents did to get their cotton picked. Sure, we could focus on the brutalities and atrocities taking place in 2014, but only by reaching back to the 19th century can we win Best Picture. That other crap has to settle for Documentary Short.