No One Cares That Brangelina Got Married And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 28, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in secret and no one gave a flying fuck. It’s not like it’s 2002 when you were on the cover of magazines and Angelina had yet to cut off her breasts. What’s the fucking point of getting married after having 85 kids together. It is too late.

Read all about the douchey nuptials. (The Superficial)

Kristen Stewart says it isn’t that she’s a shitty actress it’s that everyone else is shittier. (Dlisted)

Kendall Jenner in a swimsuit makes me think bad thoughts. (Popoholic)

Miley Cyrus gets naked…again…for V magazine. (Huffington Post)

Alessandra Ambrosio is in her underwear in Vogue Brazil. (COED)

Amber Heard topless. That is all. (Hollywood Tuna)

Lizzy Caplan is a master of sex in her panties. See what I did there? (Drunken Stepfather)

Brad Pitt Was ‘Attacked’ At The Maleficent Premiere (VIDEO)

By Travis May 29, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Serial red carpet asshole Vitalii Sediuk has tried to “prank” some of Hollywood’s biggest stars in the past, having shoved his face in Bradley Cooper’s and Leonardo DiCaprio’s crotches at movie premieres to the delight of no one, and Will Smith even slapped him in the face for trying to kiss him. Last night, at the premiere of Maleficent at the El Capitan theater, Vitalii reportedly broke through a barrier and rushed past security guards to hit Brad Pitt in the face, which sounds like a terrible idea. Of all of the pampered, lipstick-covered asses of celebrities that you could try to take a swing at, Brad seems like one of the few guys who might try to go punch-for-punch. It sounds fun in theory, but you have to remember that Brad’s security guys will be holding you down while it happens, and that’s how you end up with an Oscar statue in your butthole.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Brad Pitt Throws Like a Girl

By Lex May 20, 2014 @ 3:10 PM

Brad Pitt Throws A Beer To Matthew McConaughey From His Balcony In New Orleans

Nobody gets everything in life. You got the A-list movie career, the hot wife who is only half crazy with self-mutilation and third world adoptions, and the adoration of millions of fans. Men want to be you, women want to be with you. You’ve succeeded simply by being super fucking charming. The world is your god damned oyster, except, you throw like a girl. And you’re standing next to Drew Brees. He throws like a man. You’re girl tossing a brew over to Matthew McConaughey. Matthew’s the epitome of male and his dad played for the Packers, so he’s likely got some decent ball skills. Here you are under-handing a 12-oz can like you’re tossing a sweater to Tammy to pack for the debutante picnic. God simply doesn’t want anybody to be perfect.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

12 Years a Slave Has Ended Racism

By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 5:25 PM


All the buzz at the vegan juice bars this week is about how 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture at the Oscars, despite at least two Academy voters admitting they didn’t even watch the film. They voted for it because it just felt right. Nothing shocking really, since most people applauding this film have never seen it either. Movies about the Holocaust, The AIDS, and racism  have been certain statue winners for decades now. You make a film about gay black Jews in Dachau trying desperately to smuggle in their AZT and you can start clearing space on your mantle. Even the costume designers are walking home with a trophy. While some people might take offense at the Academy members turing their votes into pure political messages, I think it’s hard to underestimate just how 12 Years a Slave has fundamentally changed the world:

“I think the African American community is glad the film was chosen as best picture because that is a validation of African American history and the pain and suffering within that history, and the survival of that history. In that way, it does help to heal.” — UCLA African-American studies professor, Brenda Stevenson

Tortured black slaves could probably only dream of a day that their story would be told in a Brad Pitt flick and win a jerry-rigged election based on white guilt. Short of reparations and school namings in the crappy parts of town, Academy Awards have to be the closest thing we all can do to make right what somebody you don’t know’s great-great-great-great grandparents did to get their cotton picked. Sure, we could focus on the brutalities and atrocities taking place in 2014, but only by reaching back to the 19th century can we win Best Picture. That other crap has to settle for Documentary Short.

Angelina Jolie Celebrates The Anniversary of Removing Her Boobs

By Lex February 17, 2014 @ 5:07 PM

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Arrive At EE British Academy Film Awards In London
It was a year ago that Angelina started to ensure she couldn’t ever get breast cancer by the logical step of getting rid of her breasts. The move was somewhat controversial given that there was no way to know if she’d even ever get breast cancer in the future, just a strong possibility. But Angelina was lauded by tons of important people for being super brave and proactive, a term typically reserved for politicians before they set about to ruin shit. To celebrate the anniversary of her bold decision, Angelina dressed just like her husband at the BAFTAs award so that British people could have their secretly horrible turn to wonder if Brad still bangs his wife or not.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Angelina Buys Brad Pitt A Fucking Island

By Jack November 26, 2013 @ 1:54 PM

What do you buy the man that already has everything? A fucking heart-shaped island, of course! At least that’s what the once hot Angelina Jolie got for Brad Pitt for his 50th birthday. Petra island is a small rock 50 miles off the coast of New York City that has two houses built by the great American architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Pitt is apparently a Lloyd Wright fan, so naturally he should get both as well as the rest of the island, right? Well, of course! He deserves all the best. After all it’s not easy dressing up and playing pretend. Oh wait, it totally fucking is.

It makes sense that Angelina Jolie is now buying up remote islands. She can staff the islands with discreet medical teams prepared to lop off her body parts as genetics testing reveals her chances for various future diseases. At some point, she’ll come back to the mainland as merely a portion of torso encased in a saline filled bio-suit. But Brad will still love her. Because he’s that kind of a guy. The guy who gets islands for his birthday.