By brendon August 19, 2011 @ 12:07 PM
ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT – have moved their family into a 16th century mansion in Glasgow, Scotland. Thanks to Zahara, the area around their house is now known as, “the black neighborhood.” (people)
KAT VON D AND JESSE JAMES – are apparently engaged again. “Come to think of it we’re not that great is this is probably the best we’re gonna do,” they no doubt reasoned correctly. (huff post)
ROBERT DOWNEY JR – will produce a movie about the sinking of the USS Indianapolis, which is one of the scariest true stories I can think of. Cliff Notes: in 1945, after delivering the uranium for the atomic bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima 10 days later, it was sunk by a Japanese torpedo. 330 crewman died, 880 went into the water. Over the next 4 days, 554 of those 880 died, mostly because they were dragged under one by one and eaten by sharks. Which is how I hope I die. It sounds peaceful. (thr)
KIM KARDASHIAN – revealed the dress she’ll wear at her wedding this Saturday on a wax figure at Madame Tussauds in Hollywood. It was really touching. What could be more romantic than to see your wifes wedding gown for the first time in between mannequins of Donkey Kong and Chris Jericho. (e!, wenn)
It seems like just yesterday that Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston, and that’s because she won’t shut the fuck up about it. In reality it was 7 years ago.
And now, celebuzz says “she recently opened up about her infamous divorce during her Inside the Actor’s Studio appearance.” Ohh, did she really? I bet they had to torture her to make her talk about that!
When asked about ‘The Break Up’, her hit 2006 romantic comedy, Jennifer admits the film helped her overcome the devastating end of her five-year marriage to Pitt.
“It was a beautiful human story about a couple breaking up…You know, I was slightly familiar on the topic and the issue. I honestly felt like, what a great way to sort of exorcise some of that.”
…she insisted her personal heartache made the role “easier” to do. “I was like, ‘Why not?’ Turn the page, let’s move on,” she recalled.
And so she did! Unfortunately, the next page also said to talk about Brad Pitt. And do interviews about Brad Pitt, and cry on movie sets about Brad Pitt, and admit you keep Brad Pitts voice on your phone. All these pages can be found in a book called, ‘Angelina Jolie Is A Whore And I Hate Her And I Want My Brad Back And I Swear Brad I’ll Do Anything I Just Want You Back Please Please Take Me Back’.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their army of children are all in Valletta, Malta, today, and some are asking if they may have gotten married because Pitt was seen with a wedding band on his left ring finger.
The answer to that question is, “How the hell should I know?” A slightly longer answer would include “but probably not” at the end, because the reason they’re in Malta is because Pitt is producing and starring in the highly anticipated ‘World War Z’, and his character is married (with his wife played by Mireille Enos of AMCs ‘The Killing’). So the ring is probably just for that. Or maybe they did get married. Look, I can barely figure out what the hell is going on with my own girlfriend, much less Brad Pitts.
(image source = bauer griffin)
‘Moneyball’ is a baseball drama starring Brad Pitt, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Jonah Hill, from the director of ‘Capote’. Sony Pictures describes it like this…
Based on a true story, Moneyball is a movie for anybody who has ever dreamed of taking on the system.
Brad Pitt stars as Billy Beane, the general manager of the Oakland A’s and the guy who assembles the team, who has an epiphany: all of baseball’s conventional wisdom is wrong.
Forced to reinvent his team on a tight budget, Beane will have to outsmart the richer clubs.
That’s right. This guy broke all the rules and created a new system so a small market team like Oakland could beat dynasties like New York and Boston in a sport with no salary cap.
Except that he didn’t create it, the system is called sabermetrics and has been around since the 1980’s, and he didn’t implement it in Oakland, his predecessor did (the Jonah Hill character doesn’t exist), and during his 13 years as GM the A’s have never won the American League much less a World Series. In fact they haven’t been above .500 in 5 years, while Tampa, who is in an even smaller market and has New York and Boston in the same fucking division, was in the Series 3 years ago. So far this season Oakland is last in their division, with the second worst record in the American League.
So this movie tells the story of how the worlds most boring sport added math to create a system that doesn’t work. Holy shit, can I go stand in line now?
(be sure to note the meeting with the A’s scouts, who are all depicted as being in their 200’s. Yeah movie, we fuckin get it, it’s New vs. Old. You didn’t have to literally show that. Let me guess, their names are stuff like Stan Still, Theo Oldway and Tommy Noblacks. I hope everyones bifocals and VCR-sized hearing aids aren’t too subtle. Maybe they should re-shoot this scene and have them holding giant horns up to their ears. Would these be the same scouts who drafted the American League Rookie of the Year back to back to back just 10 years earlier? Why not 4 years in a row? Clearly they have no idea what they’re doing.)
By brendon June 14, 2011 @ 12:42 PM
Jennifer Aniston has talked non stop for 6 years to make sure everyone knows how awful it was when the mean and wicked Angelina Jolie took out her claws to seduce and steal Brad Pitt. Very obviously Jennifer would never do anything like that.
Jennifer Aniston’s romance with Justin Theroux has ended his 14-year relationship with his live-in girlfriend Heidi Bivens — who moved out of their home last weekend, Page Six has learned.
Wait, so the guy Aniston has been publicly dating since mid-May, the one she went to the MTV Movie Awards with, was living with his girlfriend the entire time? Maybe they were already broken up but she just hadn’t moved yet.
Bivens “is devastated” after Theroux abruptly ended their relationship as he got close to Aniston.
“Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend.”
Yeah but this is different because Angelina and Brad met on the set of ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’.
Aniston and Theroux met on the set of “Wanderlust” last fall, but in recent weeks they have become inseparable.
No, but, wait, Jennifer told Vogue the thing that hurt was that Angelina stole Brad. She knew he wasn’t single but she flirted with him anyway. By stark contrast, look at how Aniston acted toward Theroux when they made their movie together.
…the tight twosome (have) already settled into a form of domestic bliss on set! “Jen would take care of me a little bit,” Justin said. “When I would feel low, she had all these Chinese herbal medicines she’d give me. If I caught a cold, she’d make blueberry smoothies with antioxidants. She was a fantastic blender chef.”
Oh, gosh. So I guess it turns out that Jennifer Aniston is just a cunt. Gee what a surprise.
TREE OF LIFE – won the equivalent of Best Picture at the Cannes Fim Festival this weekend, but experts don’t think that will help much at the box office. But how can that be? Everyone loves the French. If those socialist pussies liked the movie, it should do great here in America. (la times)
KIRSTEN DUNST – was the winner of the Best Actress award at Cannes for her work in ‘Melancholia’. As you now know, Cannes selects winners by randomly choosing a name out of a hat. (ew)
GWYENETH PALTROW – was supposed to be all set to sign a record deal with Atlantic six weeks ago, but talks have stalled, perhaps because she wanted too much money upfront ($1M). Wait, Paltrow is being an unreasonable pain in the ass? Well this is the fist I’ve heard of anything like that. (ny post)
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4 – made $90M in its opening weekend, which means there will no doubt be a number 5. If it stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz again, they should call it ‘Voyage of the Mumblers’. (mojo)
MICHELLE HUNZIKER – is a Swiss model, and this weekend she was on the beach in Italy. That’s her in the purple bikini, in case you weren’t putting the pieces together yet. (splash news)