Did Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married?

By brendon June 21, 2011 @ 3:54 PM

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their army of children are all in Valletta, Malta, today, and some are asking if they may have gotten married because Pitt was seen with a wedding band on his left ring finger.

The answer to that question is, “How the hell should I know?” A slightly longer answer would include “but probably not” at the end, because the reason they’re in Malta is because Pitt is producing and starring in the highly anticipated ‘World War Z’, and his character is married (with his wife played by Mireille Enos of AMCs ‘The Killing’). So the ring is probably just for that. Or maybe they did get married. Look, I can barely figure out what the hell is going on with my own girlfriend, much less Brad Pitts.

(image source = bauer griffin)

‘Moneyball’ has a new trailer

By brendon June 16, 2011 @ 4:45 PM

‘Moneyball’ is a baseball drama starring Brad Pitt, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Jonah Hill, from the director of ‘Capote’. Sony Pictures describes it like this…

Based on a true story, Moneyball is a movie for anybody who has ever dreamed of taking on the system.
Brad Pitt stars as Billy Beane, the general manager of the Oakland A’s and the guy who assembles the team, who has an epiphany: all of baseball’s conventional wisdom is wrong.
Forced to reinvent his team on a tight budget, Beane will have to outsmart the richer clubs.

That’s right. This guy broke all the rules and created a new system so a small market team like Oakland could beat dynasties like New York and Boston in a sport with no salary cap.

Except that he didn’t create it, the system is called sabermetrics and has been around since the 1980’s, and he didn’t implement it in Oakland, his predecessor did (the Jonah Hill character doesn’t exist), and during his 13 years as GM the A’s have never won the American League much less a World Series. In fact they haven’t been above .500 in 5 years, while Tampa, who is in an even smaller market and has New York and Boston in the same fucking division, was in the Series 3 years ago. So far this season Oakland is last in their division, with the second worst record in the American League.

So this movie tells the story of how the worlds most boring sport added math to create a system that doesn’t work. Holy shit, can I go stand in line now?

(be sure to note the meeting with the A’s scouts, who are all depicted as being in their 200’s. Yeah movie, we fuckin get it, it’s New vs. Old. You didn’t have to literally show that. Let me guess, their names are stuff like Stan Still, Theo Oldway and Tommy Noblacks. I hope everyones bifocals and VCR-sized hearing aids aren’t too subtle. Maybe they should re-shoot this scene and have them holding giant horns up to their ears. Would these be the same scouts who drafted the American League Rookie of the Year back to back to back just 10 years earlier? Why not 4 years in a row? Clearly they have no idea what they’re doing.)

Jennifer Aniston is a home wrecking whore

By brendon June 14, 2011 @ 12:42 PM

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Jennifer Aniston has talked non stop for 6 years to make sure everyone knows how awful it was when the mean and wicked Angelina Jolie took out her claws to seduce and steal Brad Pitt. Very obviously Jennifer would never do anything like that.

Jennifer Aniston’s romance with Justin Theroux has ended his 14-year relationship with his live-in girlfriend Heidi Bivens — who moved out of their home last weekend, Page Six has learned.

Oh.

Wait, so the guy Aniston has been publicly dating since mid-May, the one she went to the MTV Movie Awards with, was living with his girlfriend the entire time? Maybe they were already broken up but she just hadn’t moved yet.

Bivens “is devastated” after Theroux abruptly ended their relationship as he got close to Aniston.
“Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend.”

Yeah but this is different because Angelina and Brad met on the set of ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’.

Aniston and Theroux met on the set of “Wanderlust” last fall, but in recent weeks they have become inseparable.

No, but, wait, Jennifer told Vogue the thing that hurt was that Angelina stole Brad. She knew he wasn’t single but she flirted with him anyway. By stark contrast, look at how Aniston acted toward Theroux when they made their movie together.

…the tight twosome (have) already settled into a form of domestic bliss on set! “Jen would take care of me a little bit,” Justin said. “When I would feel low, she had all these Chinese herbal medicines she’d give me. If I caught a cold, she’d make blueberry smoothies with antioxidants. She was a fantastic blender chef.”

Oh, gosh. So I guess it turns out that Jennifer Aniston is just a cunt. Gee what a surprise.

Monday headlines, with Michelle Hunziker in a bikini

By brendon May 23, 2011 @ 4:59 PM

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TREE OF LIFE – won the equivalent of Best Picture at the Cannes Fim Festival this weekend, but experts don’t think that will help much at the box office. But how can that be? Everyone loves the French. If those socialist pussies liked the movie, it should do great here in America. (la times)

KIRSTEN DUNST – was the winner of the Best Actress award at Cannes for her work in ‘Melancholia’. As you now know, Cannes selects winners by randomly choosing a name out of a hat. (ew)

GWYENETH PALTROW – was supposed to be all set to sign a record deal with Atlantic six weeks ago, but talks have stalled, perhaps because she wanted too much money upfront ($1M). Wait, Paltrow is being an unreasonable pain in the ass? Well this is the fist I’ve heard of anything like that. (ny post)

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4 – made $90M in its opening weekend, which means there will no doubt be a number 5. If it stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz again, they should call it ‘Voyage of the Mumblers’. (mojo)

MICHELLE HUNZIKER – is a Swiss model, and this weekend she was on the beach in Italy. That’s her in the purple bikini, in case you weren’t putting the pieces together yet. (splash news)

Brad Pitt looks like this now

By brendon May 16, 2011 @ 4:49 PM

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Brad Pitt (seen here showing us what a Jeff Bridges ‘Miami Vice’ movie could have looked like) is in Cannes today for the premiere of ‘the Tree Of Life’, which is getting mixed reviews. Unlike his hair and beard, which will be universally mocked. I never thought I’d see this day but it’s almost to the point where I can say I’m better looking than Brad Pitt without someone saying, “oh yeah, you sure are”, and then applauding slowly and sarcastically.

(image source = getty and inf)

Angelina Jolie may have adopted another kid (update!)

By brendon April 05, 2011 @ 5:48 PM

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Most people have seen the tattoo that Angelina Jolie has on her shoulder listing the latitude and longitude where each of her six kids were born. For example, here she is at the Salt premier last July. The two lines at the bottom say N 43° 41′ 21″ E 07° 14′ 28″, and if you plug that in on a map you get the Lenval hospital in Nice, France, where her twins Knox and Vivienne were born in July of 2008.

It’s actually pretty cute. But obviously people are freaking out over the new pictures of her in Libya today because now the tat has seven lines. Celebuzz says…

(She) debuted a new tattoo on her left arm (pictured above) that lists the possible map coordinates of Algeria. The seven-line long tattoo includes the geographical coordinates of the birthplace locations for all of Jolie’s children. Hm, does this mean that Angie is gearing up to adopt a seventh child?

Just ignore that part about Algeria. These reports are all written by girls (this seems to be the first one) and girls don’t know shit about maps. You can’t read the second half of Jolies tat, the longitude, so all you have is the latitude. So it’s useless because we don’t know where the lines intersect. 35 degrees North could pretty much be any point along this red line. It could be Algeria, it could also be Oklahoma City or Tokyo.

This was a fascinating lesson about maps, wasn’t it. Tomorrow I’ll tell you what to do when confronted by a bear and show you how to make a compass out of a leaf.

ANTI-CLIMACTIC UPDATE – wow so it really was Oklahoma. But not for a new kid. InTouch says, “the new ink actually bears the longitude and latitude of Brad Pitt’s birthplace, Oklahoma.”