its Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitts parents

By brendon December 05, 2011 @ 5:08 PM

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Even though Brad Pitt wasn’t around, Angelina Jolie spent much of the weekend in New York with their 6 kids and his parents, Bill and Jane Pitt. Angelina even went shopping with Jane. Which is something that would freak me out. I don’t like my girlfriend spending time alone with my mom. One wrong question and this elaborate web of lies I’ve spun could come completely apart.

(image source = splash)

Angelina Jolie is still crazy or something

By brendon November 23, 2011 @ 3:46 PM

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Angelina Jolie certainly doesn’t seem as crazy as she used to be, but according to In Touch and an imaginary source they made up, yes, Angelina Jolie is still as crazy as she used to be.

“She tries to hide it, but she has a crazy side to her that’s beyond just being quirky. In the end, she just can’t hide the crazy.”
Though she’s no longer cutting herself the way she used to as a troubled youth, the friend says that Angelina is still fascinated by blood.
“When Angelina’s kids get cuts and scrapes, she saves their discarded bandages in a large jar. She thinks she’s being edgy and artistic, but to others, she just seems weird.”

They also say Angelina locks herself in the basement every day and exercises for hours at a time to escape her family, and then at night she locks her kids in their bedroom so she can get drunk. So how does she still find time to update her scab and band-aid jars? She really has a full plate.

Brad Pitt will retire in 3 years

By brendon November 15, 2011 @ 6:20 AM

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Brad Pitt told the Australian version of 60 Minutes that he plans to retire from acting in three years, when he’ll be 50, so that he can spend more time producing. Then he said he hopes Australia gets swallowed up by the ocean. Brad Pitt has controversial opinions!

(image source of pitt and jolie in japan promoting ‘moneyball’ = getty)

Brad and Angelina donated $340,000

By brendon October 10, 2011 @ 4:25 PM

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie proved once again they they’re among the nicest people in Hollywood by donating $340,000 to pay for health care for homeless kids in Somalia, who is suffering their worst famine in 60 years. Too bad there isn’t a large body of water around. With some fish in it. Like an ocean. Somewhere below India. An “Indian Ocean”, if you will.

(seriously, how can you be in a famine? You border an ocean, EAT THE FISH YOU FINICKY BASTARDS!!!)

(daily mail)

Jennifer Aniston demanded an apology

By brendon September 21, 2011 @ 12:24 PM

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Long story short; Jennifer Aniston is a dull witted bore, and Brad Pitt insinuated as much in Parade magazine, which of course made her go all apeshit. Us says

Brad Pitt made a big-time boo-boo (in) a Parade interview in which he casually slammed his five-year marriage to Jennifer Aniston
And, yes, his 42-year-old ex-wife got wind of the catty comment. “She was annoyed,” a pal (said). “She thought it was rude and inappropriate.”
Team Aniston — her agent and publicists — “went ballistic” and angrily reached out to Pitt’s camp.
“They got his team involved and Brad was read the riot act.”
Within 24 hours, Pitt had surprisingly released a statement lamenting that his words were misinterpreted, and that his former love “is an incredibly giving, loving and hilarious woman.”
Still, the Pitt source says, “no one believes his words were taken out of context — he said what he said. I do hear that he’s remorseful.”
And although Pitt is clearly blissed out with Jolie, 36, and their six kids, “We think he’s jealous she’s in love,” the source says.

Hahaha, hahaha. Yeah, yeah that’s totally it. Brad Pitt is jealous of Anistons C-list boyfriend who’s name I dont feel like looking up because who cares. And the Patriots are jealous of the Chiefs too. By the way, name anything Jennifer Aniston has ever done that was interesting in any way. For example, here are some things Angelina Jolie has done in the past 12 months:

– Secretly went to Ramstein Air Force base in Germany to visit injured American troops (more).
– Visited the Tunisian-Libyan border as part of her role as a UN ambassador (more).
– Went to Pakistan with the UN Human Refugee Agency “to draw the world’s attention towards the plight of 21 million people affected by the country’s worst-ever floods.” (more)
– Moved out of their mansion in France and into a mansion in Scotland (more).

And here’s a list for Aniston…

– Got ripped off by a vending machine.
– Saw a pelican.

Brad Pitt has some nerve!

Brad Pitt is on the cover of Sports Illustrated

By brendon September 19, 2011 @ 6:25 PM

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So apparently there’s someone at Sports Illustrated even more inept than Peter King, and that’s whoever is in charge of their covers. I’m the biggest Brad Pitt fan on earth, but what the fuck.

If you missed it, the movie is about Billy Beane, the general manager for the Oakland A’s since 1998, and the radical way of choosing players he has to use because the team has no money to spend on payroll.

The reason this is a weird concept for a movie is because his system sucks. He’s never won the American League, the A’s haven’t had a winning record in 5 years, and the goofy old scouts this movie makes fun of choose the AL Rookie of the Year in 1986, 87, and 88, the only time one team has ever won the award three times in a row. It’s also weird because Oakland is far from the lowest payroll in baseball. Out of 30 teams, they’re number 21. Number 29, second to last, is Tampa Bay, who is actually awesome.

So I guess the hook here is that it’s an inspiring story about following your dreams, especially if your dream is to be rich and famous despite not be very good at anything.