Brad Pitt is on the cover of Sports Illustrated

By brendon September 19, 2011 @ 6:25 PM

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So apparently there’s someone at Sports Illustrated even more inept than Peter King, and that’s whoever is in charge of their covers. I’m the biggest Brad Pitt fan on earth, but what the fuck.

If you missed it, the movie is about Billy Beane, the general manager for the Oakland A’s since 1998, and the radical way of choosing players he has to use because the team has no money to spend on payroll.

The reason this is a weird concept for a movie is because his system sucks. He’s never won the American League, the A’s haven’t had a winning record in 5 years, and the goofy old scouts this movie makes fun of choose the AL Rookie of the Year in 1986, 87, and 88, the only time one team has ever won the award three times in a row. It’s also weird because Oakland is far from the lowest payroll in baseball. Out of 30 teams, they’re number 21. Number 29, second to last, is Tampa Bay, who is actually awesome.

So I guess the hook here is that it’s an inspiring story about following your dreams, especially if your dream is to be rich and famous despite not be very good at anything.

BREAKING NEWS: Jennifer Aniston is dull

By brendon September 15, 2011 @ 4:46 PM

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In an interview that comes out this weekend in Parade magazine, Brad Pitt confirms what everyone already suspected; that Jennifer Aniston is a soul-crushing bore.

After saying how he loves his life now (with Angelina Jolie and their 6 kids) he adds that wasn’t always the case.

“I spent the ’90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony,” he admits. “I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself.”
“I think that my marriage had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

Ahem…

“…I wasn’t living an interesting life … I think that my marriage had something to do with it.”

Oohh, you don’t say. You didn’t want to talk about her haircut anymore? That’s hard to believe. As soon as she said she had to use the restroom on our very first date I would have run out of the restaurant like Indiana Jones diving out of the cave right before that big boulder got him.

Brad Pitt is getting better taste

By brendon August 22, 2011 @ 4:30 PM

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For about a month now tabloids have been trying to make something of the fact that Brad Pitts assistant on the set of ‘World War Z’ is a sorta hot brunette named Lara Marsden. Now they’ve even found her myspace (thanks for making it impossible to delete your fucking myspace, btw) and posted a bunch of pictures of her in a bikini and making coffee in her underwear. Which is all the proof I need that Pitt and Marsden are having an affair. He’s in love with her, and she’s probably pregnant and they’re gonna get married. What are you, blind.

(image source = flynet)

Friday headlines, with Kim Kardashians wedding dress

By brendon August 19, 2011 @ 12:07 PM

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ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT – have moved their family into a 16th century mansion in Glasgow, Scotland. Thanks to Zahara, the area around their house is now known as, “the black neighborhood.” (people)

KAT VON D AND JESSE JAMES – are apparently engaged again. “Come to think of it we’re not that great is this is probably the best we’re gonna do,” they no doubt reasoned correctly. (huff post)

ROBERT DOWNEY JR – will produce a movie about the sinking of the USS Indianapolis, which is one of the scariest true stories I can think of. Cliff Notes: in 1945, after delivering the uranium for the atomic bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima 10 days later, it was sunk by a Japanese torpedo. 330 crewman died, 880 went into the water. Over the next 4 days, 554 of those 880 died, mostly because they were dragged under one by one and eaten by sharks. Which is how I hope I die. It sounds peaceful. (thr)

KIM KARDASHIAN – revealed the dress she’ll wear at her wedding this Saturday on a wax figure at Madame Tussauds in Hollywood. It was really touching. What could be more romantic than to see your wifes wedding gown for the first time in between mannequins of Donkey Kong and Chris Jericho. (e!, wenn)

guess who Jennifer Aniston is talking about

By brendon July 07, 2011 @ 3:42 PM

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It seems like just yesterday that Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston, and that’s because she won’t shut the fuck up about it. In reality it was 7 years ago.

And now, celebuzz says “she recently opened up about her infamous divorce during her Inside the Actor’s Studio appearance.” Ohh, did she really? I bet they had to torture her to make her talk about that!

When asked about ‘The Break Up’, her hit 2006 romantic comedy, Jennifer admits the film helped her overcome the devastating end of her five-year marriage to Pitt.
“It was a beautiful human story about a couple breaking up…You know, I was slightly familiar on the topic and the issue. I honestly felt like, what a great way to sort of exorcise some of that.”
…she insisted her personal heartache made the role “easier” to do. “I was like, ‘Why not?’ Turn the page, let’s move on,” she recalled.

And so she did! Unfortunately, the next page also said to talk about Brad Pitt. And do interviews about Brad Pitt, and cry on movie sets about Brad Pitt, and admit you keep Brad Pitts voice on your phone. All these pages can be found in a book called, ‘Angelina Jolie Is A Whore And I Hate Her And I Want My Brad Back And I Swear Brad I’ll Do Anything I Just Want You Back Please Please Take Me Back’.

Did Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married?

By brendon June 21, 2011 @ 3:54 PM

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their army of children are all in Valletta, Malta, today, and some are asking if they may have gotten married because Pitt was seen with a wedding band on his left ring finger.

The answer to that question is, “How the hell should I know?” A slightly longer answer would include “but probably not” at the end, because the reason they’re in Malta is because Pitt is producing and starring in the highly anticipated ‘World War Z’, and his character is married (with his wife played by Mireille Enos of AMCs ‘The Killing’). So the ring is probably just for that. Or maybe they did get married. Look, I can barely figure out what the hell is going on with my own girlfriend, much less Brad Pitts.

(image source = bauer griffin)