By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 6:03 AM
According to Chris Brown’s posse and a number of really stupid hot models, a trained killer opened fire at Brown during his pre-VMA party at the 1OAK Nightclub in L.A.. Brown employed his extraordinary dancing skills to narrowly avoid the bullets which subsequently hit Suge Knight who is too fat to dance. Even though Brown escaped any injuries, his polite social circle were quick to insist the shots were meant for Chris. It’s crazy to think anybody would actually be trying to shoot Suge Knight at a pre-VMA party, even though that same exact thing happened at Kanye’s pre-VMA party in 2005. Suge Knight just got all perturbed at being shot so he staggered out of the club with at least two slugs in his body and headed for his Bentley.
Chris Brown’s boys quickly huddled around Brown and serpentined him back to his brightly colored Lamborghini where he slowly drove away past his former party guests smiling like a man who seems super afraid somebody is trying to kill him. When Brown got back to his crib and had time to digest the evening’s events, as well as some weed and pussy, he Tweeted out a plea for party common sense:
It’s a pretty common mistake to think your probation hearing judge said you should hang out with ex-cons and felons with guns and drugs and booze at late night raging parties. You should, you shouldn’t. They sound very similar. When Suge Knight wills those bullets out of his body, Chris Brown better hope he had nothing to do with this.
By Lex August 18, 2014 @ 2:09 PM
Last month it was a Chris Brown celebrity kickball game with all the felonious minions and Kardashians he could gather up. Now, flag football against Puff Daddy’s son. Chris Brown is either building his curriculum vitae for a middle school P.E. teacher vacancy or he’s fulfilling the community service portion of his probation in the most Chris Brown way possible.
These events certainly make it simpler for the local weed and small arms dealers to get to their customers all in one place. And for the twenty or so people who came to watch the game and help raise money for a charity that will never share the accounting, it was a spectacular day all around. Chris Brown just has one ice water bucket challenge and celebrity skeet shooting event in his backyard and his slate is clean in the eyes of the law. He’s like a reverse Hurricane Carter.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash
By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 6:41 AM
Chris Brown’s neighbor threatened to shoot him if he sets foot on his property. It is unclear why the guy has a problem with Brown though equally unclear why anyone would not have a problem with Brown. Chris has been throwing loud parties and some of the depraved whore guests have spilled their fake cleavage onto his front yard. Unlike the millions of people who fantasize about accidentally pushing Chris Brown into an oncoming train, this neighbor guy sounds crazy enough to follow through:
“It can be the devil. I can care less. I don’t care if they’re having orgies. It can even be Saddam Hussein for all I care, as long as he doesn’t trespass onto my property, if he does, I shoot him.”
Consider this is a challenge for the rest of us to get Chris Brown to walk across this guy’s lawn. Maybe we Hansel and Gretel out a trail of joints that leads Chris across the adjoining property lines. If he won’t budge, we can experiment with catapults provided by the History Channel. We can’t just let this opportunity pass. This is the best lead we’ve had in years.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:08 AM
Only mostly everybody at Chris Brown’s Kick’N’ It for Charity Celebrity Kickball game in Glendale had rap sheets. Chris, DJ Khaled, The Game, and a few other charitable fellows famous for drugs and beating women showed up for a cause nobody could actually name. Paris Hilton’s jail house record got her into the match where she showed that one lazy eye and nonchalance is all it takes to not be able to kick a slow moving rubber ball. The Jenner girls showed looking for future abusive boyfriends. Their teen friend Pia Mia Perez arrived off the plane Kanye flies her around in international air space so he can sodomize her without fear or legal reprisal. After the final run was scored the U.S. Attorney showed up with a court order preventing that same group of convicts from being within five hundred feet of one another. It’s really hard to think of anything more Americana than this Amish barn raising.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt July 10, 2014 @ 7:11 AM
Chris Brown posted a photo to Instagram again confirming his gang affiliation with the Bloods. Even though Brown is happy to be allowed shoelaces again, the point of this photo was in the caption which read:
“It’s bool! I stand on my own two feet when life gets brazy!”
Bloods like to replace the letter B in words that start with C because they have the intellectual capacity of schoolgirls and pig Latin proved too difficult for many members. Brown likely struck up a kindling with the Piru Bloods after he beat the shit out of Rihanna, when every normal dude in America felt like kicking his ass. Just not enough to get shot. The Bloods let Brown play gangster in exchange for free advertising. Brown also sprayed Bloods graffiti on a wall in Hawaii, because the Four Seasons is a hotbed of street gang territorial disputes. I’m pretty certain repping a gang is a parole violation, but I’d rather the penal system look the other way and Brown just get shot in a drive by while performing community service because the orange vest is not a neutral gang color.
Don’t get me wrong, I hope he lives. Only a sick bastard roots for somebody else’s death. I’d settle for a relatively complicated splenectomy.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 08, 2014 @ 10:22 AM
In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.
That’s Karrueche Tran quoting Buddha on social media. Most girls who date Chris Brown take the ancient communal meditations strong to their heart. They help to soothe the swelling from the punches.
According to RadarOnline, the couple just broke up again after Chris posted a picture of his girlfriend’s ass and Vietnamese hooker tattoo to Instagram. That was apparently too much for Karrueche who had previously found her boyfriend’s rage and assaults and arrests and banging Rihanna intermittently to be just Chris being so damn cute. I assume she thought he was taking the photo of her bare ass for his scrapbooking club. Karrueche Tran promptly deleted all pictures of Chris from her Instagram account, which is how people with immense egos break up in 2014. She also insisted that no Chris Brown music be played at the 4th of July party she attended over the weekend. Her friends obliged. Because when you’re friends with models who date Chris Brown, it’s already too late to be judgmental.
Photo Credit: Karrueche Tran/Instagram