Trump Takes on Facebook

By Lex August 18, 2015 @ 12:37 PM


Donald Trump takes on the big names. Occasionally, illegal immigrant ice cream cart vendors and masa kneading abuelitas, but at times, direct for the gullet of the rich and powerful in his own class. Trump’s latest Tourette’s like outburst was targeted at Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg who is widely admired despite being the world’s largest Bond villain gatherer of private information and also a nipple fearing spastic human Nerf. Trump claims that Zuckerberg and his Silicon Valley CEO ilk are pushing for more and more H1B Indian and Pakistani dude work visas because they can hire people who love curry for seventy cents on the dollar what they would have to pay American tech workers to do the same job. Trump claims this is hurting women and minorities because it never hurts to mention women and minorities.

This H1B bullshit has been going on in high tech companies for several years now. Trump’s high pitched outrage might mean something if the program wasn’t so heavily supported by Trump’s own party and their significant cash backers. At some point the tawny hair plugged billionaire is going to have to come to terms with the fact that almost everything that pisses him off is shit backed the (R) under his primary run nameplate. This is why he will ultimately run as an independent, not win, throw the election to Hillary Clinton, then go half-staff fuck a model and play a round a golf and fire or sue anyone who ever brings up even a mention of him running for President. That shrunken apple headed witch is going to be our next President. I’m pretty sure this is how it goes down.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Period Shaming Is Tampon Shaming With a Twist

By Lex August 11, 2015 @ 9:38 AM


Donald Trump is a distasteful narcissist. He’s not a retard. Nobody makes period jokes about women on national television. Trump’s comment on CNN regarding Megyn Kelly  at the Fox News debate,

You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever…

was immediately picked up by the 75%  of GOP who hate Trump, 100% of Democrats, and all lazy journalists who no longer want to work for stories, and labeled a dig at women as being crazy nuts on their period. Which is scientific fact in Sweden, but in the U.S. we can’t accept it as anything other than sexist vitriol. Either way, Trump never said it.

Morons have picked up their pace in the digital world. There’s already a side protest to the protest angry over the sexist comment Trump never made. Defenders of the period. Like that chick who bled out during the marathon. They invented a hashtag, which is harder than it sounds though still easier than taking a dump. #PeriodsAreNotanInsult. Just to remind people that period jokes aren’t funny not because they’re trite and misogynistic, but because menstrual cycles are beautiful, and you can’t make a funny about pure positive energy. Breathless female bloggers have reported the hashtag has been tweeted over 700 times. Which is slightly less than the 29,000 retweets on Kim Kardashian’s #PaidWhoresCornHole hashtag.

I can’t help but feel modern women are at a crossroads. They stand there bleeding and confused. I just donated to the Red Cross. It’s all I can do to help. Blankets. Some tins of stroganoff. You’ll have to figure this one out for yourself. Just let us know when you’re done so we can stop pretending to read the newspaper.

 Photo credit: Getty Images

Trump Wins Before It Starts

By Lex August 06, 2015 @ 2:08 PM

I’m not watching a Republican Presidential Debate because a week of afternoon television for fat women has taught me to love myself more than that. I’ll boldly predict Donald Trump the winner over the other nine guys who you’d never pick to be on your dodgeball team even after you were left with only the scoliosis kids. The Trump phenomenon is easy to explain. He’s got himself into Special Ed and he’s able to spell the word muffin without giggling and shitting his pants. There are two types of archetypal males who thrive in modern society. The handsome athletic types who women want to fuck and men want to be like. They’ve always done well. And now the braniac nerds who’ve turned autism into gold. You want to kick their ass, but you know they could spill your porn history to the world in three clicks or less. These candidates are neither fish or fowl. Many of them not even the alphas of their own clans. Say some pejorative shit about Mexicans. Call welfare recipients a bunch of leeching smokers, you know they are. You’ve already won, Trump. This is your victory lap.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Donald Trump Breast Pump Shaming

By Matt July 30, 2015 @ 8:11 AM


Donald Trump berated a lawyer who was deposing him because she needed to pump breast milk for her baby, according to the lawyer and to Trump. Elizabeth Beck eventually came down on the losing side in the case, possibly because she brought her baby to the office and was tickling it while pretending to listen to the proceedings. At some point Beck asked for a one hour break so she could pump the milk, a standard courtroom procedure. Trump freaked out, apparently convinced she was stalling or at least was using the Sharper Image catalog to her advantage:

“He got up, his face got red, he shook his finger at me and he screamed, ‘You’re disgusting, you’re disgusting,’ and he ran out of there.”

Somebody’s got some issues. Trump took to Twitter to defend himself, which naturally came in the form of shitting on Beck:

“Lawyer Elizabeth Beck was easy for me to beat. Ask her clients if they are happy with her results against me… Beck lost the case and I got legal fees. Also, she wanted to breast pump in front of me at dep.”

I’m all for breastfeeding in public. The more the merrier. Do it at Sunday mass, funerals, fucking stock vestings, whatever briefings the community organizer gives you to fight off the zombies, it’s all good. Perhaps the pump is a bit much though. Maybe leave it at home and mix up some formula instead of running the generator and monitoring the PSI of the hoses hooked to your nipples while you’re in a fucking meeting. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just kind of distracting. The results speak for themselves. The baby was twelve years old.

Donald Trump Signs Off

By Matt July 20, 2015 @ 7:44 AM


Donald Trump appears to have lost the sane vote, the Latino vote, the self respecting vote, the moderate vote, the reader vote, and the voter vote. He now appears to have alienated the entire Republican party after making fun of John McCain because he spent six years in a POW camp. That should go over swimmingly at the Elk’s Lodge:

“He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

Cue the gong. Trump of course has never fought in any wars not counting Twitter. Looking back on his campaign, this might be the moment when he decided to start videographing the rest of it for an impending special on E!. Insulting one of the most respected and longest serving members of your own party, particularly over the fact that his plane was shot down in Vietnam and not that his flag pendant is crooked, bridges the gap between irresponsible, psychotic, and just plain stupid. Trump has finally attained zero sum status. I’m sure there are a few hard right Republicans out there who lack respect for the military. He’s got their votes. Bust out the kerosine. Perhaps he’ll hold a fundraiser in their fuck cellar. Bunker my ass.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Mexican Drug Lord Calls Trump a Faggot

By Lex July 14, 2015 @ 8:08 AM


Sinaloa drug cartel little jefe El Chapo escaped once again from prison in Mexico. Escaped seems like an overstatement since the Mexican army corps of engineers dug him a mile-long industrial grade tunnel to leisurely walk him away from the facility. The second thing El Chapo did after fucking tons of chicks and drinking tequila through the nostrils of his decapitated enemies was to Tweet Donald Trump and call him a faggot, immediately creating a conundrum for self-described progressives as to whom to root for. The greedy corporate businessman who hates Mexicans or the heroin kingpin from Mexico who uses homophobic hate speech.

Keep screwing (with us) and I’m going to make you eat your fucking words you lousy white faggot.

It’s unclear if possibly somebody created a fake El Chapo Twitter account to write the message. Though it is clear that people in Mexico who pretend to be El Chapo have their entire bloodlines sliced to pieces with machetes. It’s akin to Taylor Swift in this country. Trump fired back by accusing the Mexican government of aiding in El Chapo’s escape, which infuriated the Mexican government who felt they did much more than just assist. Gringos just don’t understand how hard it is to look the other way at just the right time.

Photo credit: Getty Images