Donald Trump Signs Off

By Matt July 20, 2015 @ 7:44 AM

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Donald Trump appears to have lost the sane vote, the Latino vote, the self respecting vote, the moderate vote, the reader vote, and the voter vote. He now appears to have alienated the entire Republican party after making fun of John McCain because he spent six years in a POW camp. That should go over swimmingly at the Elk’s Lodge:

“He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

Cue the gong. Trump of course has never fought in any wars not counting Twitter. Looking back on his campaign, this might be the moment when he decided to start videographing the rest of it for an impending special on E!. Insulting one of the most respected and longest serving members of your own party, particularly over the fact that his plane was shot down in Vietnam and not that his flag pendant is crooked, bridges the gap between irresponsible, psychotic, and just plain stupid. Trump has finally attained zero sum status. I’m sure there are a few hard right Republicans out there who lack respect for the military. He’s got their votes. Bust out the kerosine. Perhaps he’ll hold a fundraiser in their fuck cellar. Bunker my ass.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Mexican Drug Lord Calls Trump a Faggot

By Lex July 14, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

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Sinaloa drug cartel little jefe El Chapo escaped once again from prison in Mexico. Escaped seems like an overstatement since the Mexican army corps of engineers dug him a mile-long industrial grade tunnel to leisurely walk him away from the facility. The second thing El Chapo did after fucking tons of chicks and drinking tequila through the nostrils of his decapitated enemies was to Tweet Donald Trump and call him a faggot, immediately creating a conundrum for self-described progressives as to whom to root for. The greedy corporate businessman who hates Mexicans or the heroin kingpin from Mexico who uses homophobic hate speech.

Keep screwing (with us) and I’m going to make you eat your fucking words you lousy white faggot.

It’s unclear if possibly somebody created a fake El Chapo Twitter account to write the message. Though it is clear that people in Mexico who pretend to be El Chapo have their entire bloodlines sliced to pieces with machetes. It’s akin to Taylor Swift in this country. Trump fired back by accusing the Mexican government of aiding in El Chapo’s escape, which infuriated the Mexican government who felt they did much more than just assist. Gringos just don’t understand how hard it is to look the other way at just the right time.

Photo credit: Getty Images

The Donald Dropped By Macy’s

By Matt July 02, 2015 @ 7:39 AM

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Donald Trump fired back at Macy’s after they dropped his clothing line because of his couple or three racist comments about Mexicans. It turns out you can’t even be president if the Latinos are indifferent towards you, let alone when your campaign consists mostly of picking on the bus boys. Macy’s issued a statement generally calling Trump an idiot and reminding customers of their upcoming Dia de la Raza Sale. Trump shot back that he doesn’t really care about the Macy’s deal because his dad gave him all his money, and issued some inflammatory statements which everyone ignores now, saying they:

“Support illegal immigration, which is totally detrimental to the fabric of our once great country.”

Yes I remember the good old days when people could afford a shitty studio apartment in Manhattan. God willing you’re doing what you can to change that. Reality TV has been a major contributor to society as well. Also, your hair is fucking gross. There appears to be no truth to his comments. I went to the zoo once and walked by the parrots without catching what they were saying. At some point they got louder. By then I was balls deep in a churro.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Trump Loses Chilean Hunk

By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 9:05 AM

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The uncomfortably handsome Chilean actor set to host Donald Trump’s owned Miss USA pageant has pulled out because Trump called Mexican immigrants murderous raping drug dealers who smell like bad tacos. Cristian de la Fuente even made a selfie video of his disdain for Trump, because that’s what you do when you’re angry and can make women cum with just your three-day facial hair.

Mr. Trump, as a Latino, I cannot work in an event associated with your name. The statements you made against Mexicans and immigrants show that you are an ignorant. It is unacceptable to launch your presidential candidacy creating a rhetoric of hatred and discrimination in calling Mexicans drug dealers and rapists. It is a shame that such an important institution as Miss USA is in the hands of a clown.

Oh, man, you had me until that last part. Also, clown seems kind of rough when he only said you fuck your mothers and sell your sisters to drunken sailers for tortilla money.

People who support Trump say he’s an honest speaker. Which means he’s an asshole. Also, he has no chance of winning. Spanish language network Univision also announced its dropping coverage of Trump’s Miss USA pageant for his dirty spics off the cuff remark. Trump has threatened to sue Univision for hundreds of millions for breach of contract even though everybody is certain that if the Miss USA pageant doesn’t air nobody but the handsy stepdads of the contestants would even notice.

Trump has since backed off his original comments with numerous odes to the natural splendor of our neighbor to the South and testimonials from his Mexican domestic staff about how Señor Trump’s beatings are always merited. Week one seems to be going smoothly.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Donald Trump Gets El Dumpoed And Shit Around The Web

By Jack June 25, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Presidential candidate and dead ferret toupee wearer Donald Trump has really pissed off the Mexicans. Univision has dropped Trump’s Miss USA Pageant after Trump called Mexican immigrants rapists and thieves. Pobrecito.

Read all about how Donald got himself in agua caliente with Univision. (TMZ)

Kylie Jenner wears a see-through outfit. Surprised? (Egotastic)

Skreech gets sentenced to four months in jail for shanking a dude. (Huffington Post)

Amanda Seyfried gets cornrows and shows off her sexy legs. (Drunken Stepfather)

Alexis Ren wears a bikini just for you. (Hollywood Tuna)

Sweet Jesus, Samantha Hoopes has some big ‘ol titties. (Popoholic)

I wonder if the carpet matches the curtains on these hot redheads. (The Chive)

Donald Trump Is Justice

By Matt June 23, 2014 @ 5:09 PM

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Even though the Central Park Five have been cleared of all charges, Donald Trump is pissed they reached a financial settlement after  each spent up to 13 years in prison. The forty million dollar settlement means each wrongly accused man receives eight million. I did the math and eight million bucks divided by 13 years is 70 bucks an hour. That’s more than I make but I wouldn’t trade my desk job for ass rapes, prison gang beat downs, and only MSNBC on the community room TV for a decade. Trump lobbied for these guys to be executed. He’s still talking shit about their guilt associations even after they’ve been found innocent.

“What were the men doing in the park, playing checkers?”

No, they were fucking around trying to buy-up booze like every other delinquent teenager in the borough. Not every kid can order Sea Breezes on the family tab at the club. I’m not a big death penalty guy, but if some thugs brutally assault a female jogger, I’m open to talking firing squad. But the punishment probably should be less than death for drinking forties and goofing around in the park and looking not-white. Trump is a proud man who doesn’t want to admit that he’s wrong. I bet he’d become more open to self-reflection after 13 years in prison. The experiment couldn’t hurt.

Photo Credit: Instagram