NEW MOON - is already breaking records. The ‘Twilight’ sequel made $26.3M when it opened this morning at 12:01a.m. There were so many fat girls concentrated in so few spots, the mass pulled the moon 10 miles closer to America. If there’s a tidalwave, I’ll get you for this, Fatties. (variety)
JON GOSSELIN - entered into a secret business deal that is a clear violation of his TLC contract. This could be the, “smoking gun that will doom Jon in the breach of contract action brought against him by TLC”. To make this story even better, sharpie over all the words except “Jon Gosselin” and “smoking gun”. Ahhh. This is nice, isn’t it. (radar online)
DEMI MOORE - went on twitter yesterday to deny she was photoshopped for the cover of W magazine (this), despite the fact that her left hip doesn’t even remotely line up with her thigh. But one picture that is fake is the one claiming to be my senior portrait, with me playing the clarinet next to an iguana on a pedestal. That could really be anybody. At least anybody with a shirt saying “Brendon has Senior-itis”. (twitter)
MIRANDA KERR - was almost forgotten about. Because she’s kind of boring. But then I saw one of her pictures and was like, oh yeah, Miranda Kerr. That was a good story, wasn’t it. (source = splash and wenn)
Todays headlines are sponsored by Barney, the fattest Dalmatian in England. He’s not the fattest black and white mix breed in England though. Hint hint, Mariah Carey. (barney pix here and here and here. source = splash)
DAVID FINCHER - was called in to create a menu screen for the BluRay release of ‘Fight Club’, so he copied the one from ‘Never Been Kissed’ starring Drew Barrymore. He meant it as a joke, but they do have things in common. They both make me want to punch someone, for example. (yahoo)
CHRIS BROWN - is struggling to fill even small venues during his comeback tour, and scalpers outside are selling tickets below cost. Maybe because lyrics like “babe pretty thick, that need to be hit” seem more threatening than sexy now. That’s either about a pretty girl he’d like to make love to, or a slow learner who needs a little reminding. (ny daily news)
BRAD PITT - turned down a $5M appearance fee and a trip to the United Arab Emirates because it was on Oct. 31st, and he wanted to go out with his kids on Halloween. What I’m trying to say is, Brad Pitt is an idiot. (msnbc)
BEHATI PRISLOO - is a pro. The model shot for Victorias Secret in New York today, and notice how everyone else is all bundled up and she’s essentially naked. Bullshit like this is why I got out of swimsuit modeling. (inf daily)
WILL FERRELL - is the most overpaid star in Hollywood when looking at what he costs to hire compared to what his movies make at the box office. Ewan McGregor, Billy Bob Thornton, Eddie Murphy and Ice Cube round out the top 5. Which means I either misread something or Hollywood casts movies by randomly picking names out of a hat. (forbes)
NICOLE RICHIE - has checked into Cedars-Sinai hospital in LA for pneumonia. Did you know pneumonia is the leading cause of death for women? No not really. I just made that up. What is number 1? Does anyone know? And how can we make sure she gets that? (us weekly)
CARRIE PREJEAN - initially claimed she was 17 when she made 8 movies of herself masturbating for an ex boyfriend, but now it’s being reported she was 20 at the time. I can still pretend she was 17 though, right? I don’t think internet reports are legally binding. (radar)
KATY PERRY - went to the gym and then tried on some snowboard gear today in LA. Awesome, right? They should make a movie out of this. (wenn and pacific coast)
WOODY HARRELSON - says America invaded Afghanistan because Chevron wanted to overthrow the Taliban and build an oil pipeline. “The guys from Chevron went in and met with the Taliban and realized those guys just weren’t in control enough. That’s why they wanted to oust them.” You can read his entire interview in this weeks issue of ‘Crazy Dipshit Weekly’. (newsbusters)
LINDSAY LOHAN - is not creating a jewelry line with designer Pascal Mouawad, despite telling Access Hollywood that she was. “This is not happening,” he said in an email. As if she knows how to design jewelry. She might as well say she’s gonna build a space shuttle. (wwd)
SETH MACFARLANE - is sort of a one-trick pony. And that trick is to make the same show over and over and annoy the shit out of me. (college humor)
TILA TEQUILA - is suing ex bf Shawne Merriman claiming he abused her. Merriman was arrested on Sept. 6 after Tequila made similar claims, but despite clear bruises up and down her arms and Merriman admitting he held her down, no charges were ever filed. Probably because it’s always a disaster when a girl tells a story. You just know they’re fuckin it all up. (fox)
ASHLEY GREENE - was the hottest of the cast by far at last nights premier for ‘New Moon’. Mostly because I’m not sure who my other choices are. I think one is named ‘Kristin’. Another is maybe named ‘Taylor’. I think those are the girls. Are they girls? I should look this up.
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS - has a new episode of ‘Between Two Ferns’, this time with Andy Richter and Conan O’Brien. Anything I write here will look dumb compared to even the smallest thing Zach and Andy do in this, so I’m giving up except to say fuck them both. (funny or die)
JESSICA ALBA - has written an article about her trip to DC last week. She says she went, “to pound the pavement and talk about education for the world’s poorest children.” And there’s a picture included of Jessica with Hillary Clinton who is autographing a soccer ball. Problem Solved! (huff post)
JOHNNY DEPP - has signed a deal paying him $35 million to do a fourth ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie. In a related story, I sleep on a bed stuffed with old newspapers and hay. Horray for Hollywood! (the sun)
BEYONCE - carries a small wind machine with her around in clubs, even when she’s sitting down, to “keep her hair blowing everywhere - just like it does in her ‘Crazy in Love’ video.” This is an easier way to look sexy than my suggestion, which was to carry a treadmill everywhere so she could run her fat ass off. (the mirror and wenn images)
DAVID LETTERMAN - is denying a report in the Enquirer that his wife has thrown him out of the house as a result of the affairs he admitted to last month. If she does try to kick him out, he should give her a book about Scott Peterson. Remind her what’s up. (wonderwall)
NICOLE RICHIE - is married to Joel Madden, and has been for some time although no one knew it until today. Probably because no one gives a shit. (radar)
GIRLS KISSING - will never ever get old. At least until I die, and even then it will depend on where their hands are and if they’re using tongue or not. (college humor)
JANET JACKSON - holds Dr. Conrad Murray responsible for her brothers death because Murray gave Michael a powerful anesthetic shortly before he died. In an interview that will air Wednesday, she also says she thinks about him everyday. Especially last week when she raped a little boy. (popeater)
ELIZA DUSHKU - is sexy as hell, as you can see in some recent twitter pictures and by the thong she flashed while preparing for a bike ride with bf Rick Fox. He’s 6’7”, btw, and she’s 5’5”, so Eliza must be pretty easily relaxed. I’m 6’5” and I dated a girl who is 5’3”. During sex she looked like a unicorn.
