Presidents Day headlines

By brendon February 18, 2013 @ 3:38 PM

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CHARLIE SHEEN – will pay the $10,000 needed to buy a golden retriever specially trained to turn on lights, pick up objects, and other everyday situations, for a 15-year-old girl (that he has never met) who was crippled in an accident. In a related story, I waved someone though in traffic today. I’M AN AMAZING MAN! (nydn)

MAYA RUDOLPH – is pregnant for the fourth time. Which beats the number of times I assumed anyone (much less the brilliant Paul Thomas Anderson) would have sex with her by 4. (hollywood reporter)

JERRY BUSS – has owned the Lakers since 1979, during which the team won an amazing 10 championships, died today at the age of 80. Kobe Bryant will try several dozen times but eventually miss the funeral. (la times)

DREW BARRYMORE didn’t wear any makeup to visit an art gallery in Beverly Hills with her husband Will Kopelman, who had to be thrilled by the endless reminders that even ordinary things can be kinda pretty if someone adds some color and applies even the slightest bit of fucking effort. (fame/flynet)

Friday Morning Headlines

By brendon January 25, 2013 @ 11:53 AM

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LOUIS CK – has been witnessed peeping into windows and watching underage girls getting undressed, according to flyers posted in Huntington Beach. He’s not mentioned by name, so it may be a hoax or someone just used a picture that looked close enough, or maybe he really is doing it because how else are you supposed to watch underage girls take their clothes off? Most of them are so stuck-up they make a big deal out of everything. (huff post)

ASHTON KUTCHER – plays Ashton Kutcher in a parking garage in this first clip from the movie about Steve Jobs. It is not good. If I were the producer, I’d see if it was too late to dig Jobs up and work him around like a marionette. (mtv)

JJ ABRAMS – will direct ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’, the first Star Wars movie since Disney bought the rights for the franchise from George Lucas in October. So the first Star Wars movie with a chance of being good since ‘Empire Strikes Back’ in 1980. I just hope he doesn’t set the whole thing in space again. I mean we’ve already seen that like a million times. (la times)

KANYE WEST – went to the Martin Margiela show last night as part of Paris Fashion Week, but he should wear this outfit back in New York too. It’s a black guy with a ski mask cut by hand and pulling his coat closed as if he’s hiding something. What could possibly go wrong? (image source = fame/flynet)

Wednesday Afternoon Headlines

By brendon January 23, 2013 @ 4:07 PM

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ANGELINA JOLIE – might be pregnant again, meaning she and Brad Pitt will soon have their seventh child. To be honest I’m not even sure if that’s what the story said, it just seems like something they would do. (hollywood life)

BEYONCE – lip-synched yesterday at the inauguration for President Obama, but her ‘Destinys Child’ bandmate Michelle Williams was quick to defend her because of the crowd, possible echoes, and the enormity of the moment. Also because Beyonce sucks and needs everything filtered through a super computer that could make Stephen Hawking sound like Michael Crawford. (fox news)

‘THE CANYONS’ – has now been rejected by the Sundance Film Festival and SXSW, meaning that even the promise of Lindsay Lohan doing fully naked sex scenes can’t get them a release date. Maybe they should change their approach and say Lindsay isn’t naked after all, and you never see her saggy freckled tits even once, and replacing all her scenes with this Kate Upton gif. (hollywood reporter)

GREGORY MATTHEW BRUNI – was arrested in North Fort Myers, Florida, for taking his clothes off, breaking into a strangers home, masturbating, and taking a shit on the floor twice. Of course if the cops could explain how he’s supposed to masturbate and shit on the floor with his clothes on, I’d love to hear it. (huff post)

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY – is hot. I think. Or maybe not. Sometimes, like here, she looks great, but in real life it’s hard to tell. Especially since she got new drapes. What are those fucking things, lead? (marks and spencer lingerie photoshoot spring 2013)

Friday Afternoon Headlines

By brendon January 18, 2013 @ 8:24 PM

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ALICIA KEYS – will sing the National Anthem at Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans on February 3rd. Or 4th, or 5th, or whenever it is that Saints fans run out of beer bottles to throw at Roger Goodell and they can start the game. (e!)

AMERICAN IDOL – returned Wednesday and had it’s lowest ratings ever for a season premiere, down 19 percent from last year, which itself was down 24 percent from the year before. Fox has had no comment so far, but one theory is that the show is pointless and terrible. (cnn)

MICHAEL J. FOX – would not be happy if his son ever ended up dating Taylor Swift because she “writes songs about everybody she goes out with.” She also has a pointy nose like a little rat if that helps his cause any. (vulture)

KATY PERRY – will join Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Usher, Brad Paisley, Chris Cornell, Will.i.am, John Legend, Ke$ha, and dozens more to perform at multiple parties for President Obama’s inauguration on Monday, an event which will cost taxpayers around $115 million for a fake ceremony because he’ll actually be sworn in, privately, the day before. It’s part of a traditional bi-partisan policy called, “We’re Broke Because We Spend Your Tax Money On Ourselves And Other Stupid Shit So Then We Take More Because You Can Go Fuck Yourself”. (huff post)

ZOMBIELAND – might finally become a TV show, which was actually the idea from the very beginning before it became a movie. The show will still revolve around the 4 main characters from the movie, and whether or not they can escape from a brain dead slug that takes 30 minutes to cross the street. (io9)

Thursday Afternoon Headlines

By brendon January 17, 2013 @ 7:27 PM

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NICKI MINAJ – called Mariah Carey a “bitch” during last nights premiere of ‘American Idol’. And also before the premiere, after the premiere, and every other time Mariah Careys name has ever come up. (radar)

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT – will film some nude scenes for her show ‘The Client List’ on Lifetime, but it’s pointless because they will then blur everything before the broadcast so you wont actually see her naked. I bet her boyfriend wishes he could do that. (enquirer)

SHARON OSBORNE – started a small fire in her Beverly Hills home last night after falling asleep with some candles burning. Someone should really invent a candle that has a layer of smelling salts like half way down. (tmz)

AL PACINO – will play Joe Paterno in a movie called ‘Happy Valley’ for director Brian DePalma. No word yet on who might be interested in the Jerry Sandusky role, but they should probably be arrested immediately. (huff post)

KATE UPTON – is in a white bikini in the new GQ, but there’s just the one picture, because why would anyone be interested in something like that.

Wednesday Morning Headlines

By brendon January 16, 2013 @ 1:34 PM

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VICTOR GARBER – of ‘Argo’, ‘Titanic’, ‘Alias’, etc., has come out and said he’s gay. And good for him. No one should ever hide or be ashamed of the person they date, unless that person is from Alabama. (greg in hollywood)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER – whose movie ‘the Last Stand’ is getting surprisingly good reviews, did an AMA (Ask Me Anything) on reddit last night, later saying this was his favorite part, and even did a sketch of the reddit alien (above). He was amazing; a charismatic Austrian who likes to draw, experimented with physical perfection, acquired global power, and ran a government. I’d follow a guy like that anywhere! (reddit)

TOM CRUISE – probably won’t get a sequel to ‘Jack Reacher’ because, even though it’s completely fucking awesome, it will likely fall short of the $250M needed to warrant a sequel (it’s made $165M so far). So they’ll just have to use the extra-short camera mounts that point up in a different movie where Tom Cruise beats up people. (hollywood reporter)

ARCHER – returns to FX on January 17th, so until then here’s Archer, Pam and Cheryl/Carol answering the question, “What’s your idea of a perfect day?” If your answer to that would be “watch videos in little boxes”, I’ve got good news. (av club)