Kanye West Sent To Anger Management Classes

By Jack March 18, 2014 @ 12:17 PM

Legally registered asshole Kanye West plead no contest to battery charges and was sentenced to two year probation and anger management classes. The charges stem from an incident in July when West lost it on a photographer named Daniel Ramos and beat the shit out of him outside LAX. It was all caught on video and Ramos had several witnesses stating that while Ramos is an opportunistic douchebag, you still can’t start WWE’ing him like he’s your Weeble bitch. It’s unclear what these anger management classes will entail or whether Kanye will be the first person for whom they ever work in the history of anger management classes. Kanye also has to do the celebrity obligatory 250 hours of community service. I’m going to guess right now he makes a spiritually uplifting documentary about himself doing community service set to clips from the Yeezus album. West plead out earlier this year on another battery case in which he kicked some troubled teen’s ass for calling Kim a n***er lover in a medical building. I suppose in some small way you have to respect Kanye for at least using his fists to expend his pathological rage. Lots of rappers hide beyond their bodyguards or start getting all Tony Montana with their guns. Kanye is an old school asshole. I just wish somebody would punch him back.

Jay Z Not Going To Be Kanye’s Best Man

By Jack March 10, 2014 @ 5:58 PM

Jay Z won’t be Kanye West’s best man at his wedding this coming May. Kanye asked Jay Z to stand at his side while he intentionally fucks up his life and marries the world’s most notorious money-crazed hooker. But Mr. Z and his wife Beyoncé refuse to appear on Keeping Up With The Kardashians because either it’s beneath them or they couldn’t agree on a price to make it not so beneath them. E! has offered to pick up the multimillion dollar bill for the expensive French wedding if they are allowed to shoot the whole thing for the network and the show. It’s just good for tampon sales. But Beyoncé isn’t having it. So, is it more important for Kanye to have his best friend stand by his side at his wedding or to be on his fiancee’s whore slobbering TV show? We all know the answer. An  over-blown publicity stunt like Kim’s seventh wedding televised for the credulous morons that worship the Kardashians is too much for a mass media whore like Kanye West to pass up. That’s just street. Wait, I think backing your man is street and selling out to your skeevy booty call is not- street. I can never keep this shit straight.

Kim and Kanye Targeted for Their Groundbreaking Interracial Sex

By Jack February 19, 2014 @ 2:41 PM

Kim Kardashian backed her bastard baby daddy Kanye West by saying that TMZ only goes after them because they are racist. This past weekend Kanye went on one of his epic rants in which he said that the only reason that the media in general and TMZ in particular went after them is because they are ebony and ivory. Kim let TMZ know it saying,”It was very insightful.” I think the part of this that surprises me the most is that Kim knows the word ‘insightful’. Up until now I thought she only spoke in guttural moans and slurping fellatio onomatopoeia. It is possible one of her seventeen handlers assisted her with the lingo. Naturally, Kim is only partially correct. There is no doubt a media draw from the interracial nature of this romantic coupling. But as far as making them targets in the press, interracial probably falls to about about reason number eighteen just slightly behind kicker SEO terms such as celebrity, scandal, tits, Kardashian, Yeezus, anal, anal-to-mouth, jackass, midget, bad rap music, sex tape, self-promotion, and pulling a train in the Saints locker room.

George Zimmerman Wants To Fight Kanye West

By Jack February 03, 2014 @ 4:08 PM

Noted neighborhood watch commander George Zimmerman wants to fight Kanye West in the boxing ring. Besides being a painter now, Zimmerman also fancies himself a pugilist. He wants West to be his next opponent, for cash considerations, naturally. Zimmerman says that Kanye beats up on innocent people and needs a good comeuppance. He’s mostly just baiting the media into building up a story so he can make some more cash from being an acquitted murderer. A guy like Zimmerman shouldn’t be expected to handle the rigors of a real adult life. He probably thought he was going to prison forever for killing a teenager. Now he’s got lots of free time and that old fulfilling lifestyle of being a private party rent-a-cop and self-appointed street vigilante suddenly seems empty. So, why not fight Kanye for cash. It’s a no lose situation for those of us who don’t like assholes all that much. Let’s go Marquess of Queensberry rules, which I think means each guy gets to bring one lethal weapon and nobody calls the cops.

Kanye Gives $250,000 to the Kid He Beat Up

By Jack January 29, 2014 @ 1:11 PM

Kanye West has reportedly made a cash settlement with the eighteen year old disturbed kid he beat up. We told you the tale of Kanye getting into a bitch fight with the teen that called Kim a n***er lover and a whore at a chiropractor’s office in LA. Kanye proceeded to kick the living dog shit out of the skinny delinquent who curled up into a defensive ball. As you would expect, the beat up kid threatened to sue Kanye for millions of dollars. They arrived at the much more reasonable figure of $250,000 to avoid the messy need for criminal charges being filed. Kanye might’ve been fine if he had actually been there when this moron started his Tourette’s impression and just cold cocked him in protection of his woman. But, no, he was miles away when Kim called him screaming and ordered him to come give the stupid kid a beatdown. You can’t really order hits, even on total jackasses. So, 250. I can’t help but believe this is only going to encourage even more people to fuck with Kim and Kanye. I’ll gladly take a few rapper punches from Kanye West if it’s going to mean a quarter-mill. The kid has earned a small fortune just for being a total fucktwat. He’s now actually become Kim Kardashian. The irony will never settle in.

E! To Pay For Kim And Kanye’s Unholy Union

By Jack January 28, 2014 @ 4:46 PM

The E! channel has graciously offered to pick up the multimillion dollar tab for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s wedding. It’s sort of a tradition really when the bride’s on her third husband, her dad is dead, and a dozen TV executives are paying for their kids braces off the antics of the small-headed ass-model in question. The whole things is going to be shot for a very special episode of the Kardashian family reality show, Cunts on Parade. This way the network can control all the logistics of the event and they don’t have to worry that Kanye will do something stupid like ride in on musthing elephant that mauls half the congregation. Instead, he can ride up in a Mini-Cooper chalked up with a Kotex presenting sponsorship advertisement. The wedding will be held somewhere outside of Paris but not in Versailles like Satan’s favorite couple had desired, But expect it to be a place that sounds magical, but only to be truly made so with the enchantment of the couple’s first ass-to-mouth encounter without a prophylactic dental dam. I always cry at weddings.