Kanye Gives $250,000 to the Kid He Beat Up

By Jack January 29, 2014 @ 1:11 PM

Kanye West has reportedly made a cash settlement with the eighteen year old disturbed kid he beat up. We told you the tale of Kanye getting into a bitch fight with the teen that called Kim a n***er lover and a whore at a chiropractor’s office in LA. Kanye proceeded to kick the living dog shit out of the skinny delinquent who curled up into a defensive ball. As you would expect, the beat up kid threatened to sue Kanye for millions of dollars. They arrived at the much more reasonable figure of $250,000 to avoid the messy need for criminal charges being filed. Kanye might’ve been fine if he had actually been there when this moron started his Tourette’s impression and just cold cocked him in protection of his woman. But, no, he was miles away when Kim called him screaming and ordered him to come give the stupid kid a beatdown. You can’t really order hits, even on total jackasses. So, 250. I can’t help but believe this is only going to encourage even more people to fuck with Kim and Kanye. I’ll gladly take a few rapper punches from Kanye West if it’s going to mean a quarter-mill. The kid has earned a small fortune just for being a total fucktwat. He’s now actually become Kim Kardashian. The irony will never settle in.

E! To Pay For Kim And Kanye’s Unholy Union

By Jack January 28, 2014 @ 4:46 PM

The E! channel has graciously offered to pick up the multimillion dollar tab for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s wedding. It’s sort of a tradition really when the bride’s on her third husband, her dad is dead, and a dozen TV executives are paying for their kids braces off the antics of the small-headed ass-model in question. The whole things is going to be shot for a very special episode of the Kardashian family reality show, Cunts on Parade. This way the network can control all the logistics of the event and they don’t have to worry that Kanye will do something stupid like ride in on musthing elephant that mauls half the congregation. Instead, he can ride up in a Mini-Cooper chalked up with a Kotex presenting sponsorship advertisement. The wedding will be held somewhere outside of Paris but not in Versailles like Satan’s favorite couple had desired, But expect it to be a place that sounds magical, but only to be truly made so with the enchantment of the couple’s first ass-to-mouth encounter without a prophylactic dental dam. I always cry at weddings.

Kim Kardashian’s Breasts Make Her A Great Mom

By Travis January 24, 2014 @ 1:40 PM

Because it’s all she apparently does now, Kim Kardashian went shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday with her baby and the rapper that gifted it to her in exchange for her soul. More importantly, Kim was in full-on mom mode, proving her haters and critics wrong by showing that not only can she take care of her baby and remove her from a car while Kanye West stands there and looks like a disinterested asshole, but she can also properly place a towel over the stroller to keep North West away from the harmful sun. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if she accidentally knocked the stroller over and a bunch of empty cans fell out, and Kim had to admit that she left her baby in a Gucci store months ago.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kanye And Kim’s Breasts Had Date Night

By Travis January 22, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Poor Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. They must be so sad that they were denied the chance to get married at Versailles and put their own exclamation point on their obnoxious insistence that they’re somehow American royalty, since he became famous as a rapper and she became famous for blowing one. But they put on their bravest faces and Kim squeezed her tits into her happiest dress after attending some Fashion Week crap in Paris so they could have a nice, private date night out. After all, nothing shows the world that you just don’t give a fuck what everyone thinks like a pair of leather pants and your woman’s tits flapping in the breeze.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kim and Kanye Denied a Versailles Wedding

By Lex January 21, 2014 @ 6:19 PM

Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Lunch In Paris
if fairytales involved smugness and sexual obsession and pandering and mental illness and cynical promotion and out of wedlock babies, then Kim and Kanye would be a fairytale romance for the ages. And where else to host a fairytale wedding but a palace in France. Though recently denied their destiny on earth to be married at Versailles, Kim and Kanye continue to tour France for palacial venue options for a pre-sold TV packaged wedding of the century. France affords the the spectacle of a grand European wedding without the nuisance of outstanding battery and assault charges on the groom. Also, most of the men Kim has used and conned through the years live in the U.S. so they’re unlikely to scream out ‘Because she’s a fucking whore!’ in the audience when the minister asks that ‘If anyone knows a reason…’ question. It could only be more fairytale perfect if these two human stains were consumed by dragon fire.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com

Joan Rivers Brow Shames North West

By Jack January 21, 2014 @ 2:53 PM

Hollywood crypt keeper Joan Rivers aimed her millennia old venom at Kim and Kanye’s demon spawn North West. It all went down on an episode of Rivers’ horrifically terrible Fashion Police show. The subject of the Kardashian/West womb weasel came up and the ever controversial Rivers commented on North’s unibrow. She said,

“That baby is ugly … I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing”

Normally I would agree that it is fucked up to make fun of an infant. But that demon spawn  looks like fucking Bert from Sesame Street. Not that Kim should wax that shit. She’s a little child and they just have to deal with the fact that she looks like one of those baby Ewoks from Return of the Jedi. When Kim was previously accused of waxing North’s eyebrows Kim tweeted back,

“Do people really think I would wax my daughters eyebrows so young? Come on, I’d wait until she’s at least 2 1/2!”

Haha, Kim’s paid social media writer made a funny. But seriously, laser a break in that brow, you shape-shifting succubus..