Leonardo DiCaprio Seems To Be Handling His Breakup Okay

By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

Leonardo-DiCaprio-at-Art-Basel-in-Miami

Leonardo DiCaprio might be the sole human person at Art Basel in Miami who understands the true purpose of the pretentious event — bang the mustard out of ambitious young models hoping to build entries for their herpetic celebrity scrapbooks. According to a source who meets the New York Daily News standard of being both anonymous and questionable to the point of likely being made up by their own staff, Leonardo DiCaprio ditched a celebrity loaded party in Miami and took all twenty hot chicks in the VIP section with him, presumably to a location just north of his taint. If it’s true, it’s a cocksman power move like none other, especially since that German model he just broke up with was milling around somewhere in the area.

DiCaprio isn’t just plowing the snot out of models in multiples, he’s doing so while drinking himself a nice paunch and growing the bad ponytail and beard combo. This makes him the ultimate man’s man. It’s a fuck you to every restrictive rule ever written. Somewhere on his iPhone is a picture of him with a Double Double in one hand, a cold beer in the other hand, as he spunks so forcefully into the back of a seven girl naked dutch model human centipede that Sophie at the head of the chain spits out his jizz. If God ever sees that photo, he’ll take Leo into heaven and challenge him to a fist fight. No man was meant to fly this close to the sun.

Celebrities Give the United Nations Much Needed Credbility

By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 12:18 PM

Emma-Watson-and-Ban-Ki-Moon

Apparently, Emma Watson is our new Goodwill Ambassador for United Nations Women. I hope that’s not like Macy’s Women where they sell all the fat clothes. Watson serves the interests of the women of this planet and should we ever get involved in interplanetary gender matters, she would be repping Starfleet as well.

Emma Watson gave a speech to the U.N. General Assembly about women’s rights that was vague and innocuous and convoluted making it just about the best U.N. speech ever given. It’s part of the United Nations’ HeForShe campaign that teaches men that not only do you have to stop oppressing women, you have to make other men stop oppressing as well. I could see giving up my own oppression, but do I really want to be that guy who hands my buddy a beer and segues into ‘Hey, let’s talk out our feelings on beating and enslaving our bitches.’. Maybe at halftime or something over dip.

“She’s been using her magic wand in her movie. I hope she will use her magic wand to stop violence against women,” — the U.N. Secretary General on Emma Watson

Good one, Ban Ki-moon! Any American taxpayer bitching about paying dues to the United Nations ought to consider the value of awesome Harry Potter metaphors.

While he was at it, Ki-moon also knighted Leonard DiCaprio as U.N. Messenger of Peace, which I’m pretty sure is what they used to call Saigon hookers during the Vietnam War. DiCaprio addressed world leaders at the U.N. Climate Summit and warned them about the earth turning into a toxic ball of flaming ice by this time next Thursday. Then DiCaprio took a selfie with the U.N. General Secretary and banged two hot Pashto translators in the 29th floor cafeteria. While the world sleeps peacefully, the United Nations watches over us, and quietly masturbates.

DiCaprio-and-Ki-moon-at-the-UN

Photo credit: Splash News / Twitter

Toni Garrn Models Swimwear

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 12:29 PM

Toni Garrn Models Swimwear For Agua De Coco
Every time I see a picture of another model Leonardo Dicaprio is nailing, I get a little more jealous. I try not to, but that green-eyed monster is a bitch. Jealousy I mean, not this buck toothed Teuton. I want to Freaky Friday myself into Leo’s body for one evening of foreign model plundering. My story of winning the knock-off iPhone in the claw machine game at Fuddruckers has grown stale. I need another big win. C’mon, Olympus, Shazam me.

Photo Credit: Agua De Coco Beachwear

Pitt, DiCaprio, DeNiro Team Up For Passion Project

By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

Macau

Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert DeNiro will reportedly each make $13 million dollars for two days filming a short movie to promote a new casino in Macau. The Studio City is a movie themed mega casino, which should bode well for Arab oil execs looking to bang hairless boys and brush up on French New Wave. Martin Scorsese will be directing the film as part of his lifelong quest for cinema that inspires hitting on a soft seventeen.

Once actors near middle age they all realize those late nights getting high with their broke buddies and waxing about Mickey Rourke were a huge waste of time. You want to focus on minimal work for the highest reward. That’s why you became an actor in the first place. Sure it was sad when you saw DeNiro start being the laughable tough guy in crappy soft comedies, but losing your balls is just part of getting old. I salute Pitt and DiCaprio for staying true to their current priorities, pussy and boats. Don’t let James Lipton fool you, love of the craft is not what’s getting these guys up for hair and makeup at four a.m.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Katie Cleary Gets Cozy With Leo, Her Husband Shoots Himself

By Matt June 24, 2014 @ 6:02 PM

Katie-Cleary-and-Leonardo-DiCaprio-in-Cannes

Internet entrepreneur and pretend millionaire bachelor on Millionaire Matchmaker, Andrew Stern was apparently having a meltdown over his wife and former Deal or No Deal model Katie Cleary when he shot himself in the head. Stern was reportedly pissed that his wife was in Cannes last month spotted getting close with Leonardo DiCaprio at some party. Leonardo’s people deny that anything happened, though they had to admit he totally could’ve fucked her if he wanted to. On the same trip, Katie was also spotted hanging out with Adrian Grenier who might be gay, but he’s definitely better looking than you. Between the marital troubles, remembering that he wasn’t really a millionaire, and seeing the love of his life trying to board a bigger boat in Cannes, Stern became very depressed and ultimately shot himself in the noggin at a gun range in the Valley. Hollywood people don’t own guns so when it’s time to blow your brains out, you do need to travel a bit to rent a piece.

And thus concludes another chapter of I Got a Hot Model in Hollywood To Marry Me, Now I’ll Be Happy Forever!

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Katie Cleary

Leonardo DiCaprio Sex Yacht Anchors Off Brazil

By Lex June 16, 2014 @ 2:30 PM

Leonardo DiCaprio Parties With Girls In Bikinis On A Yacht Topaz In Rio de Janeiro
There was a time when I was pretty sure Leonardo DiCaprio was gay. He’s kind of fetching and that whole supermodel dating thing has been a long time down low cover for male celebrities. But now I realize I was blinded by jealousy. Pure, green-eyed monster bullshit that rendered me short of objective judgement. Leonardo DiCaprio is banging the world’s hottest women with accents. At some point, he will have plowed the best looking 5,000 women from nations where elected officials promise voters two square meals a day and a carton of Camels. To expedite his assembly line junk dipping, Leo rented one of the world’s largest yachts, filled it with a few dozen girls in bikinis, and sailed it to Brazil for the World Cup. He’s not actually sailing it, he’s fulfilling his manifest destiny girl by girl in the master cabin below. Leo, you’re my hero. Not that you couldn’t be my hero if you had filled your super yacht with man-brawn and lube. It’s just a different hoop.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI