Leonardo DiCaprio Goes Doomsday

By Lex January 21, 2016 @ 9:31 AM

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Leonardo DiCaprio made a rousing environmental speech at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland mashed up from Malthusian forecasts featured in an Inconvenient Truth. He delivered them as only a white Oscar nominated actor can. Grown men wept in their furs and upon their prostitutes. Twice or thrice a year really rich and connected people meet at resorts in Europe to discuss how fossil fuels and corporate greed are causing the destruction of the planet. Also, a final final solution for the Jews, but those meetings are invite only and shrouded in secrecy. The ski resort forums are a good chance to switch out your contacts for glasses and look serious. Leo gave mankind ten more years if we don’t all start putting around in cars moved primarily by canvas sails. Gale force winds might get your SUV to the end of the block. Your kids will be fine staying late at the school run on solar… fuck, they’re dead.

DiCaprio announced donations to animal and nature conservancies around the world to the tune of fifteen million dollars of other people’s money he’s collected at his supermodel filled Riviera fundraisers. He declared that Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates are already working on a zero emissions future. Though for now if you could click on those ads for shitty Windows 10 on Facebook that will help expedite the saving of the planet.

DiCaprio spends more time fucking hot chicks and flying around on his private jet and hosting Justin Bieber mansion BBQs than he does studying the actual science of the environment. But he seems semi-earnest at least in his anecdotal understanding. Celebrities past and present have felt the need to inject themselves into public political debates using information gleaned almost exclusively from their pretend roles in movies. Also, they get briefings. It’s unclear what these briefings are, but they mention them often. I think they’re on Snapchat. If DiCaprio can touch just one soul out there to convert from a life of excess and consumption to thoughtful communal living it will all be worthwhile. If that one soul ever turns out to be himself, it will be even more powerful. The heavens will open up and the angels will sing. DiCaprio will fuck the hot ones mid-song. Devilish bastard.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

DiCaprio Books Bieber

By Lex January 04, 2016 @ 9:49 AM

Justin-Bieber-onstage
DiCaprio was cool when he was pudgy and had a ponytail and didn’t shave and sharted in front of the world’s hottest women and they still fucked him because DiCaprio. Now he’s like an insane Middle Eastern dictator who decides he’s friends with Kim Jong-un because nobody else gets him.

DiCaprio threw a private party in St. Bart’s on New Year’s Eve to celebrate the immense amount of model pussy he could overnight to the Caribbean with a FedEx packing slip that honestly read ‘Party Whores’. DiCpario chartered one of those non-existent carbon free private jets to fly in Justin Bieber to be the headline talent. There were like six other dudes and about five hundred hot women committed to zero foreplay. It’s what Islamic terrorists are imagining in that final second before they pull the cord.

We used to be good, DiCaprio. Now you’ve gone Ronaldo. No, I don’t want your sweaty jersey. There’s no “i” in the word St. Bart’s New Year’s Eve supermodel fuckfest. This was supposed to be about team.

Leo DiCaprio’s Got This

By Lex December 07, 2015 @ 8:38 AM

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When Leonardo DiCaprio private jets into Paris to knock heads with the head of the UN on halving carbon emissions, you feel covered. The brain power behind either one of these Learning Annex climatologists would send greenhouse gases running scared, together, they’re a Megazord of everybody but me has to start drinking warm soda and traveling by donkey. The polar ice caps are either shrinking or growing, both are worse. If you had plans to summer in Tierra Del Fuego, cancel, it’s missing. Paris was the epicenter of anti-terrorism for one shining moment, but 22,000 climate change attendees from around the world bring in the kind of hotel and hooker dollars that military intelligence lecturers simply can’t. The fundamentalist Muslims have agreed to nix tire burnings and go completely gang rape and drownings. Have you ever fucked a Victoria’s Secret model before, Ban Ki-Moon? Don’t answer that for another couple of hours. The Revenant opens wide next Friday.

Leonardo DiCaprio Raped by Bear

By Lex December 01, 2015 @ 9:59 AM

According to early screener reports, Leo DiCaprio is soundly raped by a bear in the new movie Revenant. Either it’s a grizzly or a burly guy named Stephen who needs release after the day shift and Dave and Busters. The film features DiCaprio as a survivalist who does all sorts of unspeakable disgusting outdoorsman shit to stay alive in the woods, save for lighting fossil fuels because of the pact he made at the Paris Climate Summit. Not that India gives a shit. People who’ve seen the film describe the scene as shocking, extraordinary, and akin to watching Lena Dunham with a strapon pegging a twink with a ponytail. Take your pick. Mix in some Bear AIDS and this is how you win awards.

Michelle Rodriguez Keeps Her Bitches Bare

By Lex July 23, 2015 @ 11:10 AM

Michelle Rodriguez And Jessica Stam See Through At Leonardo DiCaprio's Foundation Party
If I had to guess which of these models Michelle Rodriguez dug to the third knuckle last night, I’m selecting the Canadian blond chick she made go out in just her underwear. That’s a boss move. All the world’s best looking women showed in St. Tropez to raise money for Leonardo DiCaprio’s environmental foundation nobody would ever bother to audit. DiCaprio rents out a Riviera ballroom every year and shows a bunch of models how his cock feels better than rhino horn, spanks them on the ass and orders them to run off and tell the world. It’s not proven particularly effective in relation to saving rhinos, but you bang a dozen Victoria’s Secret models and tell me that’s not a successful charity.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Leo Banging Rihanna And Shit Around The Web

By Michael January 13, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Pudgy heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio is still slaying major ass including possibly Rihanna. The two were seen canoodling at the Playboy mansion. If you also can’t imagine wanting to talk to Rihanna for more than two minutes, then you’d think they’re boning like I do.

Read all about them maybe bumping uglies. (The Superficial)

Raffaella Modugno wears a red thong swimsuit and it is good. (Egotastic)

Zooey Deschanel is preggers with a hipster larvae. (Huffington Post)

Adriana Lima goes splashy splashy in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hilary Duff shows off her big ol’ titties in a tight dress. (Popoholic)

Erin Heatherton in a leather bustier will make your day. (COED)