Doubling back on my theory that Coachella is nothing but self-entitled wannabe hipster celebrities pretending like they have their fingers on the pulse of today’s music industry, and the regular people who want to hang from their balls, here’s a video of Leonardo DiCaprio dancing like a dickhead during MGMT’s set this past weekend. You can make fun of Leo all you want, and you should because he looks like a total douchebag, but there’s always a rule when it comes to him. Say what you want, but you still have to acknowledge the fact that he not only had sex with at least 10 guys’ girlfriends at Coachella, but probably also your girlfriend while you read this. And if this guy’s dick doesn’t fall off by the time he turns 40, I’ll simply be shocked.
Leo DiCaprio is the latest victim of a fiendish foreigner that likes to bury his face in the crotch of A-list celebrities. The man in question is named Vitalii Sediuk and he’s from one of those former Soviet shithole countries that are incredibly hard to spell. He is a “journalist”, which I guess like here in America means guys who like to bury their noses in the crotches of famous people. He’s previously done his dirty work with Will Smith and Bradley Cooper. You may recall Will Smith gave him a nasty slap after he tried to kiss the Fresh Prince on the mouth. DiCaprio was attending an event at the Santa Barbara film festival when the penis snuggling occurred. Vitalii can be seen in the video sneaking off the red carpet and rubbing his face against Leo’s crotch like a cock hungry supermodel who grew up eating cabbage soup. Leo’s people struggle to loosen Vitalii’s vice-like grip around DiCaprio’s thighs as he gets one last cuddle in with Leo’s little Wolf of Wall Street.
Maybe I’m a small minded American with small minded American tastes, but I don’t understand what passes for funny in these weird foreign countries. Is this supposed to be some hilarious prank? All I see is a guy rubbing his cranium on a Hollywood star’s dick. If that’s funny then there are hundreds of girls named Savannah and Jade working off the interstate who are fucking comic geniuses.
Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill are in London for the premiere of The Wolf of Wall Street, so they decided to grab some dinner last night in Soho and play catch up. I imagine the things they talked about included how people have been overly critical of their new film and accusing them of glorifying a shitbag for the sake of promoting their Oscar bait and maybe even how three hours is too long for any movie, no matter how funny you try to make it and how many pairs of naked tits you throw in. In the end, I’m sure they had a nice laugh and then agreed to spend the rest of the night sleeping with Leo’s hotel room filled with 18-year old models. But better cover up, guys! God forbid people see you leaving a restaurant.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
PETA is really angry at Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese for using a chimp in their new movie Wolf of Wall Street. It seems that the ever-outraged animal rights folks don’t like that a chimpanzee named Chance is in the movie. They claim the chimp comes from a company that is “notorious for operating a traveling circus with an exploitative show featuring chimpanzees riding horses and doing other unnatural tricks.” OK, first of all, a chimp riding a horse sounds amazing. There is nothing funnier than a monkey doing people stuff. Secondly, the animals have to be treated well on a movie set specifically so people like PETA don’t get their no-animal-products-tested panties in a bunch about it. I’ve worked on film sets and I can tell you that they are closely supervised by the Humane Society to make sure no animals are harmed, or even just not invited to cast parties. That chimp was likely treated far better than most everybody on the set save the leads. Ever been a human extra in a movie? That’s when you get treated like an animal. Of course, Chance probably didn’t have his own horse or motorcycle to ride, but I’m sure he’s got one waiting for him back at the circus.
Being Leonardo DiCaprio’s friend has to be the greatest thing in the world. Not only does the guy throw lavish topless supermodel orgy yacht parties on random days of the week and invite guys who swim in their t-shirts like Jonah Hill, but now he’s playing therapist to Robert Pattinson, who has become Hollywood’s mopiest putz.
Ever since Robert dumped Kristen Stewart for good, he has apparently been a total whiny bitch and Leo’s had about enough of it. According to the Sun, Leo called him up, told him to cut this shit out and move to Miami, where the two will be neighbors and trade horny models like cupcake recipes.
In what must have been the toughest decision in the history of mankind, Robert has reportedly agreed to give it a shot as soon as Leo returns from Europe, where he was probably sampling the latest batch at his 18-year old blonde model cloning farm.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
Let’s play hypothetical – let’s say that you’re a 50-year old billionaire, and for the last five years you’ve been (presumably) happily dating a 42-year old supermodel, who is also incredibly wealthy and still manages to keep it tight. Then Leonardo DiCaprio comes along and he invites you to come party with him on his giant sex yacht that is filled with 20-year old, horny models that all left their tops at home and just can’t stop giving people handjobs for shopping cash.
Do you – A) Stay faithful to your girlfriend? B) Tell her to hit the bricks, because you’re Leo’s BFF now? C) Buy an army of sex robots and conquer Australia? Well, while C is certainly the best option, Russian billionaire Vladislav Doronin is leaning closer to B for now, as the Daily Mail reported that his relationship with Naomi Campbell is on the rocks due to his party lifestyle and, more notably, his friendship with DiCaprio.
While I certainly feel for Campbell (seen above with DiCaprio and Doronin at the International Tiger Conservation Forum in 2010), she is well past due for her dating someone half her age phase, so this really just works out for everyone.
(Photo Credit: Getty)