By Matt June 24, 2014 @ 6:02 PM
Internet entrepreneur and pretend millionaire bachelor on Millionaire Matchmaker, Andrew Stern was apparently having a meltdown over his wife and former Deal or No Deal model Katie Cleary when he shot himself in the head. Stern was reportedly pissed that his wife was in Cannes last month spotted getting close with Leonardo DiCaprio at some party. Leonardo’s people deny that anything happened, though they had to admit he totally could’ve fucked her if he wanted to. On the same trip, Katie was also spotted hanging out with Adrian Grenier who might be gay, but he’s definitely better looking than you. Between the marital troubles, remembering that he wasn’t really a millionaire, and seeing the love of his life trying to board a bigger boat in Cannes, Stern became very depressed and ultimately shot himself in the noggin at a gun range in the Valley. Hollywood people don’t own guns so when it’s time to blow your brains out, you do need to travel a bit to rent a piece.
And thus concludes another chapter of I Got a Hot Model in Hollywood To Marry Me, Now I’ll Be Happy Forever!
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Katie Cleary
By Lex June 16, 2014 @ 2:30 PM
There was a time when I was pretty sure Leonardo DiCaprio was gay. He’s kind of fetching and that whole supermodel dating thing has been a long time down low cover for male celebrities. But now I realize I was blinded by jealousy. Pure, green-eyed monster bullshit that rendered me short of objective judgement. Leonardo DiCaprio is banging the world’s hottest women with accents. At some point, he will have plowed the best looking 5,000 women from nations where elected officials promise voters two square meals a day and a carton of Camels. To expedite his assembly line junk dipping, Leo rented one of the world’s largest yachts, filled it with a few dozen girls in bikinis, and sailed it to Brazil for the World Cup. He’s not actually sailing it, he’s fulfilling his manifest destiny girl by girl in the master cabin below. Leo, you’re my hero. Not that you couldn’t be my hero if you had filled your super yacht with man-brawn and lube. It’s just a different hoop.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Travis May 01, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
First, George Clooney finally decided to settle down and get married for a second time to lawyer Amal Alamuddin, who doesn’t look anything like the women he has typically dated, but played hard to get enough to make him slap a ring the size of the moon on her finger. And now, according to In Touch, Leonardo DiCaprio has decided to stop sleeping with every 19-year old model on the face of the planet and focus on sleeping with his 21-year old Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend Toni Garrn, who looks exactly like every woman that he’s ever dated, and has reportedly moved into the actor’s new $8 million New York City apartment. It’s important to point out that Leo bought the place on his own, which means that when Toni comes home one day in the near future and finds all of her stuff on the sidewalk while Bregje Heinen is moving in, she shouldn’t even pretend to act shocked.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis April 15, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Doubling back on my theory that Coachella is nothing but self-entitled wannabe hipster celebrities pretending like they have their fingers on the pulse of today’s music industry, and the regular people who want to hang from their balls, here’s a video of Leonardo DiCaprio dancing like a dickhead during MGMT’s set this past weekend. You can make fun of Leo all you want, and you should because he looks like a total douchebag, but there’s always a rule when it comes to him. Say what you want, but you still have to acknowledge the fact that he not only had sex with at least 10 guys’ girlfriends at Coachella, but probably also your girlfriend while you read this. And if this guy’s dick doesn’t fall off by the time he turns 40, I’ll simply be shocked.
By Jack February 07, 2014 @ 3:20 PM
Leo DiCaprio is the latest victim of a fiendish foreigner that likes to bury his face in the crotch of A-list celebrities. The man in question is named Vitalii Sediuk and he’s from one of those former Soviet shithole countries that are incredibly hard to spell. He is a “journalist”, which I guess like here in America means guys who like to bury their noses in the crotches of famous people. He’s previously done his dirty work with Will Smith and Bradley Cooper. You may recall Will Smith gave him a nasty slap after he tried to kiss the Fresh Prince on the mouth. DiCaprio was attending an event at the Santa Barbara film festival when the penis snuggling occurred. Vitalii can be seen in the video sneaking off the red carpet and rubbing his face against Leo’s crotch like a cock hungry supermodel who grew up eating cabbage soup. Leo’s people struggle to loosen Vitalii’s vice-like grip around DiCaprio’s thighs as he gets one last cuddle in with Leo’s little Wolf of Wall Street.
Maybe I’m a small minded American with small minded American tastes, but I don’t understand what passes for funny in these weird foreign countries. Is this supposed to be some hilarious prank? All I see is a guy rubbing his cranium on a Hollywood star’s dick. If that’s funny then there are hundreds of girls named Savannah and Jade working off the interstate who are fucking comic geniuses.
By Travis January 09, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill are in London for the premiere of The Wolf of Wall Street, so they decided to grab some dinner last night in Soho and play catch up. I imagine the things they talked about included how people have been overly critical of their new film and accusing them of glorifying a shitbag for the sake of promoting their Oscar bait and maybe even how three hours is too long for any movie, no matter how funny you try to make it and how many pairs of naked tits you throw in. In the end, I’m sure they had a nice laugh and then agreed to spend the rest of the night sleeping with Leo’s hotel room filled with 18-year old models. But better cover up, guys! God forbid people see you leaving a restaurant.
Photo Credits: WENN.com