Selena Gomez has been seen around town with the very pretty Orlando Bloom. The two were spotted canoodling outside of the Chelsea Handler live comedy show at the L.A. Forum where half of Hollywood were ordered to attend by their shared publicists. When the photogs spotted the new couple, Bloom darted away like he was prancing after marauding orcs. It’s possible that the two are having a good old fashioned revenge fuck. Lesbian troll doll Justin Bieber is rumored to have boffed Legolas’ ex-wife Miranda Kerr back when they were still together and when having sex with Justin Bieber still meant something to a foreign model. It’s possible that Orlando and Selena are getting their vengeance by bumping petite uglies. It’s also possible Orlando mistook Selena for one of the many twink Mexican sex workers who were enjoying a particularly prolific evening with the Chelsea Handler demographic out behind the Forum.
Miranda Kerr tossed Orlando Bloom because she tired of mounting a dude who giggled every time he found the perfect new turtleneck. So Orlando went somewhere where skinny dudes can wear kerchiefs and ride mopeds and still have hot girlfriends — France. I remember seeing this Nora Arnezeder chick in the movie Safe House when trying not to focus on Ryan Reynolds trying to act. She’s pretty fucking hot. She is French so there’s a decent chance she hates lots of shit and her vagina smells like expired potpourri. Still, it’s not like there are that many movies coming up calling for an effeminate elf-like actor. Bloom needs to strike while the iron is hot. Strong start.
Photo Credit: Madame Figaro
MIRANDA KERR – posted the first picture of her son Flynn, presumably taken by her husband Orlando Bloom, and as you can see it was while he was sucking on one of her perky little tits. Which means he’s 2 weeks old and his life has probably peaked. (kora organics)
BRUCE WILLIS – was a pain in the ass to work with on Cop Out, according to director Kevin Smith. “I had no fucking help from this dude whatsoever.” And yet that movie totally worked, on every level, a modern masterpiece. The creative process sure is a mystery. (filmdrunk)
HALLE BERRY – is supposedly on good terms with her ex Gabriel Aubry, who is also the father of her 2yo daughter, but yesterday he filed for custody, setting up a potential tug-of-war with their child. Not a literal tug-of-war with their child of course, though that would be way more exciting. (e!)
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER – is ready to return to acting, perhaps playing a Nazi commander who refuses to execute POW’s at the end of WWII in With Wings As Eagles. Or perhaps playing something else, in a different movie. What am I, psychic? (fox)
RICKY GERVAIS – will not be hosting the Golden Globes again next year, saying he feels twice is enough. Which is how I now feel about watching the Golden Globes. (yahoo)
ORLANDO BLOOM AND MIRANDA KERR – had a boy. And I bet that handsome bastard has already gotten more pussy than I have this year. (us)
LINDSAY LOHAN – has been handed a $135,000 Range Rover Onyx, to borrow “for an undisclosed length of time”, by a Beverly Hills dealer. The plan of course is for people to see Lindsay driving the car and then go see them and say, “I want one of those cars like the one Lindsay wrecked.” (radar)
PETRA NEMCOVA – is engaged, 6 years after her last fiance died in the 2004 Thailand tsunami. I’m sure that wasn’t her fault, but I would still go somewhere like Omaha for a honeymoon. They have a lovely zoo. (daily mail)
JANE KRAKOWSKI – is pregnant. Ewwww. Everything about this story is gross. (people)
JWOWW – says she was under anesthesia when her ex took naked pictures of her. Ahhh yes, the old twilight trick. Another good one is to make them think you’ve taken a loved one as a hostage. (hollywood life)
I know what you’re thinking. You’re asking yourself, “Do these pictures show Miranda Kerr modeling in LA this week? Didn’t she just get married to Orlando Bloom? Why does she look so fat?”
Yes, yes, and because she’s pregnant. Us weekly says…
“She’s definitely pregnant… Miranda’s thrilled,” says a source close to the Australia native, who wed (Bloom) at an undisclosed location — reportedly in the Caribbean — less than a month after revealing their engagement on June 21. “She’s telling all her friends, mostly other models, about it.” ?
Orlando Bloom is better than me by any rational measurement of a boyfriend and/or husband and/or human being, so I never had a shot with Miranda Kerr anyway, but if I did I’d be outraged.