Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are in Australia today, and she’s in a bikini drinking champagne in a hot tub with some other random girls who are also in bikinis, and he’s holding a naked babies penis up to his face. He must really really like that babies penis.
MIRANDA KERR – posted the first picture of her son Flynn, presumably taken by her husband Orlando Bloom, and as you can see it was while he was sucking on one of her perky little tits. Which means he’s 2 weeks old and his life has probably peaked. (kora organics)
BRUCE WILLIS – was a pain in the ass to work with on Cop Out, according to director Kevin Smith. “I had no fucking help from this dude whatsoever.” And yet that movie totally worked, on every level, a modern masterpiece. The creative process sure is a mystery. (filmdrunk)
HALLE BERRY – is supposedly on good terms with her ex Gabriel Aubry, who is also the father of her 2yo daughter, but yesterday he filed for custody, setting up a potential tug-of-war with their child. Not a literal tug-of-war with their child of course, though that would be way more exciting. (e!)
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER – is ready to return to acting, perhaps playing a Nazi commander who refuses to execute POW’s at the end of WWII in With Wings As Eagles. Or perhaps playing something else, in a different movie. What am I, psychic? (fox)
RICKY GERVAIS – will not be hosting the Golden Globes again next year, saying he feels twice is enough. Which is how I now feel about watching the Golden Globes. (yahoo)
ORLANDO BLOOM AND MIRANDA KERR – had a boy. And I bet that handsome bastard has already gotten more pussy than I have this year. (us)
LINDSAY LOHAN – has been handed a $135,000 Range Rover Onyx, to borrow “for an undisclosed length of time”, by a Beverly Hills dealer. The plan of course is for people to see Lindsay driving the car and then go see them and say, “I want one of those cars like the one Lindsay wrecked.” (radar)
PETRA NEMCOVA – is engaged, 6 years after her last fiance died in the 2004 Thailand tsunami. I’m sure that wasn’t her fault, but I would still go somewhere like Omaha for a honeymoon. They have a lovely zoo. (daily mail)
JANE KRAKOWSKI – is pregnant. Ewwww. Everything about this story is gross. (people)
JWOWW – says she was under anesthesia when her ex took naked pictures of her. Ahhh yes, the old twilight trick. Another good one is to make them think you’ve taken a loved one as a hostage. (hollywood life)
I know what you’re thinking. You’re asking yourself, “Do these pictures show Miranda Kerr modeling in LA this week? Didn’t she just get married to Orlando Bloom? Why does she look so fat?”
Yes, yes, and because she’s pregnant. Us weekly says…
“She’s definitely pregnant… Miranda’s thrilled,” says a source close to the Australia native, who wed (Bloom) at an undisclosed location — reportedly in the Caribbean — less than a month after revealing their engagement on June 21. “She’s telling all her friends, mostly other models, about it.”
Orlando Bloom is better than me by any rational measurement of a boyfriend and/or husband and/or human being, so I never had a shot with Miranda Kerr anyway, but if I did I’d be outraged.
Victorias Secret supermodel Miranda Kerr (seen here during a shoot in the Caribbean last July) and Orlando Bloom (image not available) have been dating since 2007, but they’ve always stayed out of the spotlight. In fact it was only last month when word leaked that they were engaged.
Now it turns out they’re already on their honeymoon, and the only reason anyone even knows that is because Kerr had to release a statement to explain why she would be missing scheduled appearances for the Australian department store David Jones. Here (via People) is how they announced to the world that they got married.
“David Jones very graciously released me during this period so we could celebrate an intimate ceremony and honeymoon together.”
It’s nice to occasionally see even one celebrity who isn’t completely fucking crazy, and absolutely delightful to see a celebrity couple who isn’t crazy. In honor of this, after the jump are those pictures of Mirandas tits. It’s maybe not entirely appropriate, but I really like looking at girls tits, as it turns out.
PAGET BREWSTER – is the best comedic actress in Hollywood (and she does amazing impressions of black people), so I’m selfishly happy that CBS is run by fumbling idiots who plan on essentially firing the entire female cast of ‘Criminal Minds’, despite the overwhelming objections (1, 2) from the shows fans (“the fans can suck my dick”, replied CBS while pointing at its crotch). Hopefully now she’ll go back to comedy. I also like it when disaster strikes and I can buy stocks like BP real cheap. I’m all about me! It’s time to start looking out for number 1, baby! (jezebel)
ORLANDO BLOOM AND MIRANDA KERR – are engaged. If they start a family the kids would be like someone genetically engineered a human being solely for me to be completely, 100 percent indifferent to. (la times)
HOW TO GROW BUD – has pictures of girls in bikinis getting high. I don’t personally smoke, but I do like telling the government to go fuck themselves, and I do like girls who are mostly naked and easily talked into things. This is a great website. (htgb)
DAVE BATISTA - is this guy, and he may or may not be following Brock Lesnar and going from WWE to MMA. TMZ says he is but the promotion he allegedly signed with says it’s not true. I don’t know what this has to do with celebrity gossip btw, but I’m the only one who works here, and I gotta post somethin. Tomorrow be sure to check out my recipe for Raisin Roundies! My secret is a pinch of cinnamon! (mma frenzy)
ANGELINA JOLIE - is in Haiti today as part of her UN tour, but you’ll have to take Es word for it because this picture isn’t labeled. Where’s Angie, which one is Angie? E! needs to get their shit together. (e!)
SALMA HAYEK – will be on Letterman tonight, where she’ll discuss married life, her baby, and upcoming projects while Dave pretends not to stare at her tits. (splash)
TWITTER …. FACEBOOK …. TODAYS FORECAST: WACKING OFF