By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
No matter where you fall on the pussy scale of life, it’s super important at any given moment in your life to not be the biggest pussy in the room. The second biggest pussy skates. The biggest pussy is singled out by the pack and devoured. Look around the room. If you’re not sure if you’re the one, you’re the one. Get the fuck out.
Orlando Bloom nearly landed a swipe to Justin Bieber’s smug maw at a club in Ibiza after the two fay combatants exchanged words. There’s a true gangster history between these sub-150 lb. scooter riders since Justin claimed he got busy with Miranda Kerr backstage at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Then Orlando took Selena Gomez on a date after he got divorced. It was some real sit-com love triangle stuff that finally exploded in Ibiza when Bieber did that bitch ‘I want to shake your hand’ move. Orlando came back with a few choice words in perfect Elizabethan English then Bieber squeaked something about Miranda Kerr’s vagina and Orlando tried to smite him but missed. The 47 bodyguards who keep Bieber from getting in real fights hustled the tiny Canadian around in increasingly small circles until they were all trapped in the center of a vortex of shame. I’ve seen some good bar fights in my time. This wasn’t one of them. Thanks to WorldStarHipHop I can tell you this wasn’t even a good girl fight.
Shortly after, Justin Bieber retreated with his posse and posted a photo of Miranda Kerr in a bikini to Instagram. You could almost feel John Wayne’s fist stirring in his grave.
Here’s Orlando earlier in the day in Ibiza. He looked so summery. Why did Justin have to ruin his day?
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Jack April 28, 2014 @ 4:06 PM
Selena Gomez has been seen around town with the very pretty Orlando Bloom. The two were spotted canoodling outside of the Chelsea Handler live comedy show at the L.A. Forum where half of Hollywood were ordered to attend by their shared publicists. When the photogs spotted the new couple, Bloom darted away like he was prancing after marauding orcs. It’s possible that the two are having a good old fashioned revenge fuck. Lesbian troll doll Justin Bieber is rumored to have boffed Legolas’ ex-wife Miranda Kerr back when they were still together and when having sex with Justin Bieber still meant something to a foreign model. It’s possible that Orlando and Selena are getting their vengeance by bumping petite uglies. It’s also possible Orlando mistook Selena for one of the many twink Mexican sex workers who were enjoying a particularly prolific evening with the Chelsea Handler demographic out behind the Forum.
By Lex January 31, 2014 @ 7:04 PM
Miranda Kerr tossed Orlando Bloom because she tired of mounting a dude who giggled every time he found the perfect new turtleneck. So Orlando went somewhere where skinny dudes can wear kerchiefs and ride mopeds and still have hot girlfriends — France. I remember seeing this Nora Arnezeder chick in the movie Safe House when trying not to focus on Ryan Reynolds trying to act. She’s pretty fucking hot. She is French so there’s a decent chance she hates lots of shit and her vagina smells like expired potpourri. Still, it’s not like there are that many movies coming up calling for an effeminate elf-like actor. Bloom needs to strike while the iron is hot. Strong start.
Photo Credit: Madame Figaro
By brendon February 09, 2012 @ 4:24 PM
Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are in Australia today, and she’s in a bikini drinking champagne in a hot tub with some other random girls who are also in bikinis, and he’s holding a naked babies penis up to his face. He must really really like that babies penis.
By brendon January 19, 2011 @ 10:39 AM
MIRANDA KERR – posted the first picture of her son Flynn, presumably taken by her husband Orlando Bloom, and as you can see it was while he was sucking on one of her perky little tits. Which means he’s 2 weeks old and his life has probably peaked. (kora organics)
BRUCE WILLIS – was a pain in the ass to work with on Cop Out, according to director Kevin Smith. “I had no fucking help from this dude whatsoever.” And yet that movie totally worked, on every level, a modern masterpiece. The creative process sure is a mystery. (filmdrunk)
HALLE BERRY – is supposedly on good terms with her ex Gabriel Aubry, who is also the father of her 2yo daughter, but yesterday he filed for custody, setting up a potential tug-of-war with their child. Not a literal tug-of-war with their child of course, though that would be way more exciting. (e!)
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER – is ready to return to acting, perhaps playing a Nazi commander who refuses to execute POW’s at the end of WWII in With Wings As Eagles. Or perhaps playing something else, in a different movie. What am I, psychic? (fox)
RICKY GERVAIS – will not be hosting the Golden Globes again next year, saying he feels twice is enough. Which is how I now feel about watching the Golden Globes. (yahoo)
By brendon January 07, 2011 @ 5:32 PM
ORLANDO BLOOM AND MIRANDA KERR – had a boy. And I bet that handsome bastard has already gotten more pussy than I have this year. (us)
LINDSAY LOHAN – has been handed a $135,000 Range Rover Onyx, to borrow “for an undisclosed length of time”, by a Beverly Hills dealer. The plan of course is for people to see Lindsay driving the car and then go see them and say, “I want one of those cars like the one Lindsay wrecked.” (radar)
PETRA NEMCOVA – is engaged, 6 years after her last fiance died in the 2004 Thailand tsunami. I’m sure that wasn’t her fault, but I would still go somewhere like Omaha for a honeymoon. They have a lovely zoo. (daily mail)
JANE KRAKOWSKI – is pregnant. Ewwww. Everything about this story is gross. (people)
JWOWW – says she was under anesthesia when her ex took naked pictures of her. Ahhh yes, the old twilight trick. Another good one is to make them think you’ve taken a loved one as a hostage. (hollywood life)