Free Willy

By Lex April 30, 2014 @ 5:19 PM

Sometimes, I take a bite into my tuna sandwich and I can taste the oppression of man’s domination over the seas. Also, a hint of cadmium isotopes from Fukushima. Quite delightful really. The good and decent human hating folks at PETA want to remind everyone that fish are not fish, they’re mammals like cows and pigs, only more so the cute mammals we don’t eat unless we live in Vietnam, like dogs and horses and fat people who look like Santa. Everybody’s pissed at Sea World for being mean to their fishes, err, people like creatures with feelings that shit in the ocean and eat tons of chum just like we do. And when PETA wants media attention, they lie about getting some celebrity naked. This time it’s Smallville’s Laura Vandervoort who isn’t really naked in this shockingly naked Sea World protest photo from PETA. Seeing Laura drowning in a cramped underwater tank helps put this situation in stark perspective. For instance, I now realize that if Sea World put hot naked girls in their shows instead of trained fish, I’d be tempted to say something I haven’t said since I was six, ‘Can we please go to Sea World?’

Photo Credit: PETA

Jillian Michaels Is On the Side of Good

By Lex April 29, 2014 @ 4:45 PM

Jillian Michaels took time away from yelling at fat people to yell at a PETA rally to get rid of Central Park’s horse drawn carriages. People have been trying to get rid of those cloyingly romantic carriages since as far back as I can remember. The new New York City mayor and his lesbian wife and a whole bunch of celebrities are out to replace the horse drawn carriages with electric vintage cars, because that is totally environmentally award worthy thinking. The anti-carriage crowd used to complain that the old horses were high on steroid suppositories and had to consume their own feces or something horrific like that. Then the carriage people got Red Cross inspectors to come and show how nicely their horse prisoners are really treated. So PETA counter punched with the the alarmingly shrill voices of Jillian Michaels, Alec Baldwin, Lea Michele, and Pink. That’s a road trip foursome from hell. The good and more evolved people are now claiming the horse drawn carriages are too dangerous to be traveling the city streets with cars and pedestrians. Two carriages knocked each other over last year, just to definitively prove their point on safety. Liam Neeson rushed to the defense of the horse drawn carriages, causing everyone to reflect on how much more manly he is than his celebrity opposition, except for Pink when she’s skipping her estrogen, naturally.

PETA Protestors Topless Outside The Tower of London

By Lex April 23, 2014 @ 12:57 PM

PETA Protestors Wear Body Paint And Hold Signs Outside The Tower of London
If I had to choose between the shrill screams of angry jobless journalism majors or a simple sign and a pair of painted tits, I’d choose the latter. But I’m pretty sure the PETA ladies who come up with these topless in public plans don’t think their strategies completely through. If a topless woman asks a dude to give up the slaughtered flesh of baby lambs, he’ll say yes without hesitation. The minute those tits disappear, he’ll be biting into the neck of a llama to fulfill his carnivorous destiny. Now, you bring those bad girls back to the flat, he might just clear out the suckling pig in the fridge. For a good toss in the sack, he’ll probably shove those fake meat patties that taste like dirt up his ass and swear off consuming all sentient creatures. Men require a value proposition. This is 2014. You can see ten thousand tits for free on the Internet. PETA, if you truly love animals, you’ll tell the girls to dig a little deeper into their vagina pockets during field ops.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Ariana Grande Cares About The Animals

By Travis January 23, 2014 @ 1:04 PM

Singer and miniature Nickelodeon star Ariana Grande was spotted wearing a PETA shirt while on her way to the recording studio yesterday, and I don’t like to label tiny celebrities with stereotypes, but I’m guessing that she’s less of a paint-thrower and pit bull euthanizer and more of a girl who thinks buying a shirt means saving puppies and kittens. Her allegiance with the animal activist group is interesting, though, because she recently claimed that she “wears more fake hair than every drag queen on Earth,” but I’ll assume to her credit that it’s real human hair and not from slaughtered horses. I tried to ask her while she was walking, but then a hawk flew by and scooped her up.

Photo Credits: Michael Wright/

Painted Women In Thongs Protest Fashion Week

By Lex September 06, 2013 @ 3:27 PM

Women In Thongs And Covered In Body Paint Protest Fashion Week In New York
Honestly, if you’re not at least willing to get naked in public to save the animals, I’m feeling like you don’t care that much to save a furry life. The bar has been set, ladies, tits or we kill the baby fox and make a stole. A little beaver and I might just save one. I can go to a Stop Urban Sprawl or Oil Kills protest if I want to see body paint and signs. For God’s creatures great and small, take off them bikinis.

Photo Credit: WENN

Adriana De Moura Goes Nude For PETA Campaign

By Lex August 22, 2013 @ 12:56 PM

Adriana De Moura Models Nude For A Peta Campaign
PETA believes that there’s no limit to the ends they should employ to get people to stop imprisoning and killing animals. Every option is on the table. Except apparently actually showing any tits or ass in their so called ‘nude’ celebrity campaigns. Vandalizing businesses, cool, showing nips, whoa, sit the fuck back down, Lester.

Here’s Real Houswives star Adriana de Moura not really nude for PETA. She wants Lolita, the killer whale at the Miami aquarium, released back into the wild after forty-three years in captivity. You know, so we can watch her starve to death before being scavenged by predators she’s never encountered before in her show pony existence.

Photo Credit: PETA