By Lex February 19, 2015 @ 10:04 AM
PETA got their protest girls out in London ahead of the upcoming Fashion Week. You’d think it might be tough to find three raggedy chicks with bad teeth in England to hold a PETA sign up over their bare chests, but you’d be wrong. These college girls aren’t as ambitious as the FEMEN protestors who cover their tits in blood and human baby feces and scream about abortion and the lack of decent divans in British women’s public toilets. If PETA thinks they’re going to save furry critters with basic cable level nudity, they’re sadly mistaken. My counter protest is going to involve skinning sables alive until the girls lower their sign. If their tits disappoint, I’ll make the sable parents watch as I fashion their child into a stole.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex November 03, 2014 @ 11:09 AM
If you’re like me, you celebrated National Vegan day by fist punching an adorable creature, skinning it alive, cooking it over an open flame, then tossing it aside because it tasted gamy. PETA vegans in London chose a different route. They got naked and re-created the orgy scene from Taboo in Trafalgar Square while slathered in fake blood. It’s unclear if the protestors meant to lay across the ground or merely fell there as a result of their severe anemia. At some point Morrissey reviewed the troops and accidentally released a colonic he’d been withholding since 2005. Nine years on and you still can’t digest corn. Go figure.
I understand why girls protest the eating of meat and I understand why guys believe that going to naked protests with girls means getting laid without spending a dime . Everybody wins, except for the animals. We’re still going to slice those dumb fuckers up for dinner.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex April 30, 2014 @ 5:19 PM
Sometimes, I take a bite into my tuna sandwich and I can taste the oppression of man’s domination over the seas. Also, a hint of cadmium isotopes from Fukushima. Quite delightful really. The good and decent human hating folks at PETA want to remind everyone that fish are not fish, they’re mammals like cows and pigs, only more so the cute mammals we don’t eat unless we live in Vietnam, like dogs and horses and fat people who look like Santa. Everybody’s pissed at Sea World for being mean to their fishes, err, people like creatures with feelings that shit in the ocean and eat tons of chum just like we do. And when PETA wants media attention, they lie about getting some celebrity naked. This time it’s Smallville’s Laura Vandervoort who isn’t really naked in this shockingly naked Sea World protest photo from PETA. Seeing Laura drowning in a cramped underwater tank helps put this situation in stark perspective. For instance, I now realize that if Sea World put hot naked girls in their shows instead of trained fish, I’d be tempted to say something I haven’t said since I was six, ‘Can we please go to Sea World?’
Photo Credit: PETA
By Lex April 29, 2014 @ 4:45 PM
Jillian Michaels took time away from yelling at fat people to yell at a PETA rally to get rid of Central Park’s horse drawn carriages. People have been trying to get rid of those cloyingly romantic carriages since as far back as I can remember. The new New York City mayor and his lesbian wife and a whole bunch of celebrities are out to replace the horse drawn carriages with electric vintage cars, because that is totally environmentally award worthy thinking. The anti-carriage crowd used to complain that the old horses were high on steroid suppositories and had to consume their own feces or something horrific like that. Then the carriage people got Red Cross inspectors to come and show how nicely their horse prisoners are really treated. So PETA counter punched with the the alarmingly shrill voices of Jillian Michaels, Alec Baldwin, Lea Michele, and Pink. That’s a road trip foursome from hell. The good and more evolved people are now claiming the horse drawn carriages are too dangerous to be traveling the city streets with cars and pedestrians. Two carriages knocked each other over last year, just to definitively prove their point on safety. Liam Neeson rushed to the defense of the horse drawn carriages, causing everyone to reflect on how much more manly he is than his celebrity opposition, except for Pink when she’s skipping her estrogen, naturally.
By Lex April 23, 2014 @ 12:57 PM
If I had to choose between the shrill screams of angry jobless journalism majors or a simple sign and a pair of painted tits, I’d choose the latter. But I’m pretty sure the PETA ladies who come up with these topless in public plans don’t think their strategies completely through. If a topless woman asks a dude to give up the slaughtered flesh of baby lambs, he’ll say yes without hesitation. The minute those tits disappear, he’ll be biting into the neck of a llama to fulfill his carnivorous destiny. Now, you bring those bad girls back to the flat, he might just clear out the suckling pig in the fridge. For a good toss in the sack, he’ll probably shove those fake meat patties that taste like dirt up his ass and swear off consuming all sentient creatures. Men require a value proposition. This is 2014. You can see ten thousand tits for free on the Internet. PETA, if you truly love animals, you’ll tell the girls to dig a little deeper into their vagina pockets during field ops.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Travis January 23, 2014 @ 1:04 PM
Singer and miniature Nickelodeon star Ariana Grande was spotted wearing a PETA shirt while on her way to the recording studio yesterday, and I don’t like to label tiny celebrities with stereotypes, but I’m guessing that she’s less of a paint-thrower and pit bull euthanizer and more of a girl who thinks buying a shirt means saving puppies and kittens. Her allegiance with the animal activist group is interesting, though, because she recently claimed that she “wears more fake hair than every drag queen on Earth,” but I’ll assume to her credit that it’s real human hair and not from slaughtered horses. I tried to ask her while she was walking, but then a hawk flew by and scooped her up.
Photo Credits: Michael Wright/WENN.com