Kate Upton Naked Lady Parts Is Why SI Airbrushes

By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 1:42 PM

Kate-Upton-Camel-Toe-in-SI
I mock the extensive Photoshop work Sports Illustrated performs on all of its swimsuit models, but now I realize all that body shaping, cutting, glowing, hazing, and polishing into nipple-free slightly tanned culturally indistinct female mannequins is for a specific and much needed purpose. Kate Upton’s thong sucking hungry vagina cleft barely painted over. This un-touched up photo of Kate Upton unshackled from the vaults of the S.I. Swimsuit virtual junk box reveal a gaping genital maw that would in the very least prematurely teach young children where babies come from. That pucker needs to be cloned into Barbie doll asexual crotch but quick. Sports journalism reputations are on the line here.

Photo credit: SI Swimdaily

Polaroids of Marisa Miller Testing Bikinis for SI

By Lex May 07, 2014 @ 4:39 PM

Marisa Miller Models Bikinis In Polariods For The 2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
Good news. Marisa Miller has yet to find another job outside of swimsuit modeling. From the looks of these Polaroids, Marisa will be an active participant in creating draft images for SI, ultimately to be airbrushed, scraped, pixelated, nipples extracted, and properly hued, colored, and disfigured for presentation next February in the Swimsuit Edition. It’s not that I can’t enjoy cartoon versions of hot girls with big tubes in bikinis. It’s just that they pale in comparison to candid Polaroids that look like they were shot by Turkish sex slave abductors.

Photo Credit: Sports Illustrated

Danica Patrick Deserves a Checkered Flag

By Lex February 24, 2014 @ 4:45 PM

Danica Patrick's Topless Selfie
Richard Petty stoked the flames of NASCAR gender bias when he said that the only way Danica Patrick could win a NASCAR car race is if every other driver stayed home. An ouchie comedic clam from the King of stock car racing. Petty defended his comment by stating that it had nothing to do with Danica being a woman so much as the fact that she drives like a woman. Also, she’s never won anything in NASCAR, so he has track record is on his side. Danica answered Petty in the Daytona 500 over the weekend by not finishing. Then she answered again by pointing out that a candid of herself showing off her nipple in the mirror was pretty fucking awesome and that a million Twitter followers never shared a Richard Petty topless selfie. I’m pretty sure Danica won that round. You simply can’t outrace tits.

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models Continue To Have The Roughest Lives

By Travis February 24, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Continuing their ongoing month of celebration for the fact that they’ve remained relevant in the face of several decades of internet pornography, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue models competed in a volleyball tournament against some other celebrities over the weekend at the Food Network South Beach Food and Wine Festival. Most notably, Jamie Foxx was there to remind everyone that he once won an Oscar, and probably to hit on Chrissy Teigen, Hannah Ferguson, Samantha Hoopes, Kate Bock, Lily Aldridge and the many other models, because he’s simply a man with a penis and needs. But then Richard Sherman showed up, and everyone probably held their purses a little tighter and quietly tried to dial 911 on their phones through their pockets, all while he rescued a kitten from a tree and helped build a house for a homeless family while teaching them all how to read.

Photo Credits: JLN Photography/WENN.com

Models Attend Sports Illustrated Party In Miami

By Lex February 20, 2014 @ 1:44 PM

Lily Aldridge Shows Off Her Cleavage At A Sports Illustrated Party In Miami

Photo Credit: Instagram

A Lot Of Really Attractive People Are Still Celebrating The Swimsuit Issue

By Travis February 19, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Sports Illustrated has been pulling out all of the stops to both promote and celebrate this year’s swimsuit issue, because they consider this 50th anniversary issue to be a huge milestone. Is it a milestone because this magazine has thrived for so long despite the complaints of prudes and so-called feminists who don’t give a shit that women wear bikinis every single day of the year? Maybe. Is it a milestone because once the internet was invented and porn became about as readily available as sunlight nobody should have given a crap about whether or not Chrissy Teigen’s nipple might be visible between her fingers on her hand bra? Probably. Whichever the case may be, models from Nina Agdal to Christie Brinkley celebrated the issue last night, and it says enough that these girls can even make standing in front of trash cans and piles of sludge look hot.

Photo Credits: WENN.com