Richard Petty stoked the flames of NASCAR gender bias when he said that the only way Danica Patrick could win a NASCAR car race is if every other driver stayed home. An ouchie comedic clam from the King of stock car racing. Petty defended his comment by stating that it had nothing to do with Danica being a woman so much as the fact that she drives like a woman. Also, she’s never won anything in NASCAR, so he has track record is on his side. Danica answered Petty in the Daytona 500 over the weekend by not finishing. Then she answered again by pointing out that a candid of herself showing off her nipple in the mirror was pretty fucking awesome and that a million Twitter followers never shared a Richard Petty topless selfie. I’m pretty sure Danica won that round. You simply can’t outrace tits.
Continuing their ongoing month of celebration for the fact that they’ve remained relevant in the face of several decades of internet pornography, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue models competed in a volleyball tournament against some other celebrities over the weekend at the Food Network South Beach Food and Wine Festival. Most notably, Jamie Foxx was there to remind everyone that he once won an Oscar, and probably to hit on Chrissy Teigen, Hannah Ferguson, Samantha Hoopes, Kate Bock, Lily Aldridge and the many other models, because he’s simply a man with a penis and needs. But then Richard Sherman showed up, and everyone probably held their purses a little tighter and quietly tried to dial 911 on their phones through their pockets, all while he rescued a kitten from a tree and helped build a house for a homeless family while teaching them all how to read.
Photo Credits: JLN Photography/WENN.com
Sports Illustrated has been pulling out all of the stops to both promote and celebrate this year’s swimsuit issue, because they consider this 50th anniversary issue to be a huge milestone. Is it a milestone because this magazine has thrived for so long despite the complaints of prudes and so-called feminists who don’t give a shit that women wear bikinis every single day of the year? Maybe. Is it a milestone because once the internet was invented and porn became about as readily available as sunlight nobody should have given a crap about whether or not Chrissy Teigen’s nipple might be visible between her fingers on her hand bra? Probably. Whichever the case may be, models from Nina Agdal to Christie Brinkley celebrated the issue last night, and it says enough that these girls can even make standing in front of trash cans and piles of sludge look hot.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
I’m not above a compliment. This is true genius. Putting Kate Upton up in an airplane and diving steep to create a zero-G effect on her big plump titties, it’s inspired. The fact they removed all the vomit and gave her a smile is a nice nod to all the guys jerking off to the dream of Kate Upton floating in no gravity with her mouth around their johnsons. Personally, I like the vomit. The slight burn reminds me of prom night.
Photo Credit: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit
Sports Illustrated has done it this time. The once heralded leader in sports news coverage has gone and put not one, but three models on the cover of their 50th anniversary edition. When you consider the exponential work involved in Photoshopping not one, but three models in the same photo, you’ll understand that some underpaid pale dudes in a dark New York studio have some carpal tunnel flaring up fierce today. I’m not sure these girls were ever even on the same island for this group shot. I think one of them is using their high school year book photo morphed with the arms of a dead Australian long jumper. Two of these girls are actually men. If airbrushing tits were a sport, SI would be ESPN.
You can see the girls screaming and crying about their cover news HERE.
Photo Credit: Sports Illustrated
Before sending photos off for 10,000 hours of airbrushing time to remove all human lifelike qualities, the Sports Illustrated photographers actually take real pictures of real girls on the beach. The Swimsuit Editor Instagrammed a bunch of headless photos as evidence of this production. It might just be one Eurasian girl at this point that they fashion into many different characters, but if you can count on anything each March, it’s topless body painted girls without any anatomical evidence of nipples.
Photo Credit: @mj_day/Instagram