Khloe Kardashian Retarded, Culturally

By Matt May 28, 2015 @ 8:03 AM

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Khloe Kardashian went to Dubai to negotiate the price of her future children’s virginity and donned a hijab, the traditional Muslim attire which is great at absorbing the force of thrown rocks. The photo stirred debate on Instagram, with some feeling Khloe was exploiting the traditional clothing, which is not meant to be a fashion accessory and is in fact a utilitarian product designed to double as a body bag in cases of false rape accusations. I don’t understand the problem here. If any of Dubai’s hyper orthodox prostitution ring community recognizes Khloe from the Western televisions they keep in their Spice Girl themed casinos she’s liable to be stoned to death in the street with private jet sized bottles of Patron and impostor Polo cologne. Next time reserve judgement. Eyes Wide Shut was a great film and now it’s been bastardized along with that sleeping bag on wheels the terrorists are fond of. A few lashes with an extension cord should do the trick. Then we’ll talk about the punishment.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Bobby Flay Maybe Knocked Up January Jones

By Matt May 28, 2015 @ 7:32 AM

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Court papers filed by Bobby Flay’s estranged wife allege he had three affairs during their ten year marriage, signifying she remains shockingly naive about the whole thing. Jesus was a carpenter. Throw in the bank teller maybe something will stick. Included in Flay’s affair rolodex is the mumbling bore January Jones who gave birth to a mystery scratch-off child in 2011. Jones has kept the father’s identity under wraps, but Flay is a candidate as is her X-Men director Matthew Vaughn and every other dude in Hollywood with his own TV show. Flay’s wife claims to have proof of the affair including some racy text messages between him and Jones where she asks him to role play Harvey Weinstein as a horny fireman Groundlings style. Jones is now rumored to be dating Will Forte, her co-star on Fox’s Last Men on Earth who also happens to be the executive producer. There’s a dribble of DNA leading back to item one on her IMDB page. DNA testing should narrow this down to someone of Germanic ancestry who crossed the Bering Strait somewhere during the Pleistocene. How do you say cum bucket in French?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Karrueche Tran Tempts Fate

By Matt May 28, 2015 @ 6:43 AM

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Karrueche Tran has been feuding on Instagram with her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown because Brown is super tough on the Internet and his emojis elicit high fives from his gang banger buddies. Tran inserted model Tyson Beckford onto her page to use his hairless man ass as a pawn in their game like a real life Zoolander. This culminated with Brown threatening to fuck Beckford’s baby mama and beat his children and Beckford posting a photo of himself at target practice. It’s like Lord of the Rings for retards. The whole thing appeared to die down after it was discovered most tough guys don’t get catty on Instagram.

Tran reignited the pile of bullshit by posting an ominous photo of her busted lip. The implication being Chris Brown punched her in the face. It should be noted Tran let Brown put his polyp covered dong inside of her for two years and this came after Brown brutally beat Rihanna. They broke up when Brown had a baby with another chick, meaning he definitely doesn’t use condoms and I had just assumed that was a lesion. What I take away from it is beating women is one thing but being unfaithful is inexcusable. Brown’s fans agreed and chimed in that they thought this was a shameless cheap shot, although not as bad as punching a chick in your passenger seat while she’s watching the road. There are certain topics that should be off limits. Domestic crimes of guys who dance around like nancy boys and Cosby rape in the 1980′s. Instagram is a valuable tool. So is Megan’s law. Let’s combine them into an app and sweep the trash.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Rebel Wilson Full Of It

By Matt May 28, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

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Rebel Wilson was exposed by an Australian tabloid for lying about her name and age. It turns out her given name is not Rebel Wilson, but the much more fitting Melanie Elizabeth Bownds. If this comes as a shock to you you’re most likely a nine year old in Queensland writing your first book report about one of your heroes of the fat acceptance movement. Rebel Wilson is a hot chick in a punk rock band with an ass that’s a little too bony. This chick is clearly a Bownds. Wilson is also not 29 as she had previously claimed, but 36, which elicits a shrug from anyone who’s not an aspiring rapper. Wilson also claimed in an interview with Ellen that she is from “The ghetto” which turns out to be total bullshit if you didn’t already know people from the ghetto don’t call it that. Wilson responded on Twitter to being caught by not taking the whole thing seriously because it fucking isn’t:

“OMG I’m actually a 100 year old mermaid formerly known as “CC Chalice”… thanks shady Australian press for your tall poppy syndrome x… Okay but all jokes aside now…my real name is Fat Patricia x.”

Half the people in Hollywood are full of shit and the other half’s parents own the studios. Sometimes you get a Charlie Sheen who runs the gamut but it’s rare for crack to make it north of Rodeo. Wilson is now being portrayed as a victim by certain groups who think fat people deserve special treatment but I say take your side of ranch and call it a day. Also don’t lie about shit. We have the Internet and a lot of time. This explains how she got Pitch Perfect over Streep.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Chrissy Teigen Topless and Moist

By Lex May 27, 2015 @ 12:24 PM

Chrissy Teigen Topless Peek For Dujour
Chrissy Teigen is one of those celebrities who gets a free pass for being famous for no good reason. If you consider being half Asian and having big tits no good reason. I could go either way on that. Even Kate Upton has a few crappy movies on her resume by now. Chrissy did have the good instinct to marry her famous boyfriend, one of the John Wooden pyramid building blocks of success. Beyond that, she likes to get loaded and naughty Tweet and let the ocean tide lap up her vagina. The more I think about her lack of accomplishment, the more I realize she might just be the perfect woman. Love is so confusing.

Photo Credit: Dujour

Madonna’s Son’s Penis And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 27, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Dessicated crone Madonna Instagramed a video of her son Rocco in which she discussed his wang. Did I mention that her son is 14? And that he’s her son?

Read all about Madonna’s son’s wiener. (The Superficial)

Jennifer Lopez got confetti bombed by some d-bag called Richie the Barber. (TMZ)

Kris Jenner wants to trademark the word momager, also her hairless man twat (Dlisted)

Abigail Ratchford has a sexy slumber party with some hot friends. (COED)

Houston Rockets fan Terann Hilow is hot as shit. (Busted Coverage)

Rosie Huntington Whiteley is covered topless in Lui Magazine. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jessica Alba is nippin’ in a swimsuit. (Popoholic)

Soccer Boring and Corrupt in Equal Measure

By Lex May 27, 2015 @ 11:48 AM

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Half of soccer’s governing body FIFA just got arrested in Switzerland on charges of being corrupt bastards for as long as anybody can remember. It’s widely known that the worldwide soccer federation is filled with officials who actively rake envelopes full of cash for arranging international matches and picking crappy countries to host the World Cup. The International Olympic Committee understudies with FIFA to learn how to steal shit more effectively. The U.S. Attorney General finally got a big enough bug up her ass to start issuing indictments on FIFA officials for snaking more than $150 million in illicit funds. Maybe she just got sick of hearing about how soccer is the most popular sport in the world. Or watching ninety minute nil-nil matches where players kick the ball backward to their own goalie in between faking femur fractures for free kicks.

I’m left with the question, who gives a shit if FIFA takes cash and whores to host their 2022 World Cup in Qatar where they’re using Indonesian slaves to quick build enough stadiums so that every citizen of Qatar gets their own after the World Cup is over? As though government contracting in this country is particularly any different. Every male on this planet who doesn’t subsist on warm rice porridge understands that American Football is the beautiful sport, followed not far behind by NBA basketball. Just look at what one billion Chinese started getting into the minute they were given an option beyond soccer and 1960′s Schwinn bike races. People love soccer like they love network television before cable. If they behead these FIFA officials it will be the most exciting thing to happen in soccer since they stopped using lamb bladders. Two months until preseason football. Off with their heads!

Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Seem Happy

By Lex May 27, 2015 @ 10:36 AM

Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Out On A Date In NYC
If you’re thinking Taylor Swift looks like the submissive girlfriend then you’re falling into the same demon hole this poor Scottish fuck is currently descending. His name is Adam, he calls himself Calvin and he’s at the forefront of electroclash music whatever the hell that musical abortion is.

Through all his DJ equipment and Casio keyboard plugins Calvin can’t see the bear trap that is the Taylor Swift vagina. I think I’ll just slide myself into… SNAP! Fuck! Four days later the morphine drip wears off and you wake up in a hospital checking out the haggis that used to be your cock as a hit song plays on the radio calling you an asshole. Household cleaners come with multiple bold letter warnings. Girlfriends come with jack shit. This is called natural selection. Second base is the furthest from home. There is no analogy in cricket. You’re already dead.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet