Alan Cumming Demands Non Dairy Options at Dairy Queen

It's an inherent dare not to make cum jokes in a story about Alan Cumming and Dairy Queen. The forever animated movie villain penned a letter to the Dairy Queen CEO asking that the ice cream store chain offer non-dairy options. For the lactose intolerant and those wishing to keep Botswana from getting even hotter. This should get about as far as my Change.org petition to make the Logo channel show less man-ass.

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Khloe Kardashian Fucking Odell Beckham Jr. Up

Odell Beckham Jr. is the latest victim of a Kardashian daughter publicity campaign. Beckham was photographed over Memorial Day weekend at Drake's house party with Khloe Kardashian squirming between his legs. You can't claim you didn't know she was there. Larger footprint mammals are incapable of sneak attack.

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Victoria's Secret Tits and Lies

A Victoria's Secret whistleblower blew the lid off the lingerie manufacturer with an anonymous interview revealing that the models are airbrushed to shit and padded with push up bras to make them seem more shiny and perfect. That took some bravery.

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Hugh Hefner's Wife Removes Implants

Hugh Hefner's wife Crystal suffers from lyme disease and toxic mold syndrome, which is something you probably get from making out with Hugh Hefner. To combat these ailments she had her fake tits removed. Medically speaking this seems like a dubious claim yet having foreign objects and chemicals inside you can't be helpful for anything.

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Megyn Kelly Has It Rough

Megyn Kelly wore a slightly revealing dress which Queen Elizabeth would have not approved of while covering the Republican National Convention and received a minor amount of backlash on Twitter, mostly from unattractive middle aged cat ladies. This was almost certainly a calculated move on her part.

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Josie Canseco Doing Well

It was pretty big news when Jose Canseco's daughter got naked for Playboy, especially since Playboy no longer has nude photos and it turned out they were lying. It's an honor just to be tributed by men who still can't figure out how to cancel their subscriptions.

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Irina Shayk Bikinis In Italy And Shit Around The Web

Irina Shayk may have broken up with Bradley Cooper. Imagine how sad Cooper must be as he moves seamlessly onto the next 20-something supermodel. Dudes with perms haven't done this well in a long long time.

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Lyin' Ted Cruz Makes A Bold Move (VIDEO)

Creepy used car salesman Ted Cruz and his prolific forehead grease used his RNC speech to further his own agenda and did not endorse Trump, as is the entire point of giving a speech at the RNC. Cruz is apparently butt hurt and embarrassed about being beaten out by Trump as he should be since Trump has no political experience and is an outward buffoon. Still, he's not the least likable person in any building he enters,...

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Christie Brinkley No Longer Cares

Christie Brinkley no longer cares what people think about her looks. As evidenced by her ceaseless amounts of plastic surgery and eleven hours with teams of dry wall spacklers preparing for public events. Or fucking John Mellencamp.

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Amber Rose in Disguise

If it weren't for the tattoos, you might not know you were masturbating to Amber Rose in costume. Let that chilling fact register. The very reason Halloween party hookups are a singularly horrible idea. Every naughty nurse looks super hot behind four spiked punch cocktails.

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Ashley Graham Went and Ruined Everything

You had one job, Ashley Graham. Eat. The plus sized model phenomenon may have lost some weight. Or appeared more slender in an Instagram photo she ran up the BBW flagpole. What looks like a couple or three inches lost around the elastic waistband sent her larger lady fan base into an orgy of disappointment and things made of processed shortening.

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Kristen Stewart And Alicia Cargile Kiss

Kristen Stewart is back in baby's arms. The actress who channels privilege rage into lesbian make-out sessions is back together with her previous girlfriend and personal assistant, Alicia Cargile. Not just men fuck their assistants in Hollywood. Though men often weigh looks over anything to do with "she loves to lithograph and can move a queen mattress by herself".

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Amber Heard Blabbing

Amber Heard and her lawyers are reportedly leaking details of her and Johnny Depp's impending divorce settlement. Next time you feel the need to waffle about the gender pay gap, calculate the amount of money dudes are paying to their whore ex-wives. They don't have any children. His name is almost certainly on the deed to the house. Walk away and move on. Everyone likes free shit though.

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Kobe Bryant Won't Stop Essaying

Kobe Bryant penned yet another open letter in the Player's Tribune. This time, a bit of wisdom to his seventeen year old self. It's unclear if he believes his seventeen year old self can read this or if he's become a master of dramatic literary devices. The essay seemed a roundabout manner of telling your parents to stop asking you for more money:

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Kim Kardashian Up to $700,000 An Hour

When asked about making more money than the President, Babe Ruth told the media, "I've had a better year". Then he plowed his face into snuff and consumed a chili dog while a fat chick barebacked his syphilis encrusted dick. Crude, but more interesting than anything at the political conventions.

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