By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
There’s a good reason why David Beckham left his preschool age daughter alone in the car over the weekend. Juice. Pressed organic juice. Just a quickie. One more for the road. It’s been so long. Daddy needs his fix. Try not to be kidnapped. I’ll leave the window down so you can scream.
People obsessed with flushing out their rectal toxins before, after, and occasionally during Soul Cycle classes are wreaking video poker addict level social havoc. I don’t care how much she ruins the jaunty juicing line amateur nutritionist chatter you can’t leave a three year old alone in a car while you wait for your fix. Victoria Beckham likely will respond to this revelation with a not amused frozen smile. It’s her angry face, happy face, sex face, and just saw a ghost face. Looks like somebody’s going to be using their mistress’ toilet tonight to extrude that raw kale and chard fiber goodness.
I try not to show pictures of celebrity kids because it means Dax Sheppard and Kristen Bell having vegan sex outside my door in protest. If I can save just one celebrity kid’s life, I can abide watching Shepard massage his own prostate long after Kristen Bell has gone home to water the sprouts.
By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 7:27 AM
Stephen Collins will not be charged with child molestation, even though he admitted to various lewd and German businessmen type acts with young neighbor girls back in the day. The statute of limitations has expired on the crimes he confessed to committing. Maybe he knew that when he made his confession. You don’t get to be a working pedo into your 60′s without being a little savvy. The police are searching for more recent victims as sex offenders tend not to stick to their New Year’s Resolutions of no more dangling my dick in front of middle schoolers this year.
In an effort to sway the public opinion of maybe three guys in the world, Collins’ attorneys are claiming his ex-wife ambushed him and recorded the criminal confessions to extort him for more dollars in their divorce settlement. Which is almost certainly true, but does little to deny the underlying sickly offenses. Sometimes, even when there is a conspiracy to fuck you up, that is still your jizz on the blue dress not belonging to your comely lesbian wife. If Collins had any shame, he’d write some unnecessarily long and self-serving apology letter then plant a pistol in his mouth and squeeze to seventh heaven. Come on Steve, don’t be a little girl about it.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 7:02 AM
Shia LaBeouf claimed his drunken buffoonery was caused by his acting research and not the fact that he’s incredibly prone to being a douchebag. It’s hard to come to grips with being a Teen Beat boy slut. Some deal with this validated self loathing through drugs or suicide. LaBeouf has decided to prove his doubters wrong and become a Playgirl centerfold doing a bad Brando. Hemingway would blush but Cory Feldman is probably jealous. He describes pissing off Alec Baldwin during a shoot as the type of shit hardcore actors and not annoying assholes do:
“Alec and I butted heads hard. I was sleeping in the park . . . At the time, I was out of my mind.”
I wonder if he bunked with Miley’s unemployed male model ward who was also sleeping in the park. This park sure sounds like fun to me. Low grade heroin and blow jobs from trannies with The AIDS is Disneyland for the deeply self-loathing. LaBeouf’s plans following his next string of cuntiness are to do a lot of rhino hunting from a T Top Camaro while drinking aged bourbon. He won’t be happy until he’s died in some terrifically pointless masculine manner. Neither will we.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 6:22 AM
The NYPD just released the stats of all the weapons seized from city high schoolers last year and the results are you should move your family to Connecticut. Confiscated items include guns, boxcutters, tasers, knives, and more than likely at least one scythe some asshole emo kid was packing. The NYPD’s spokesman explained this seems way worse than it is because even goody two shoes types have to arm themselves against the known zombies and militias currently rotting the city’s core:
“They just feel safe having a weapon in their possession.”
That’s not a huge endorsement of your department, Sir. Many of these weapons are discovered via metal detector, which help promote a culture of learning and unyielding fear. Girl students in Taliban controlled Afghanistan have less concerns about being gunned down than average New York high school students. Everyone is packing. Slip a Derringer or at the very least a broken off toothbrush into your kid’s lunch pale starting around grade one. That goes for the nerds too. AP classes don’t make you bullet proof.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 6:03 AM
If you’ve seen the fall season’s latest shit box called Laughs on Fox you should really get out more. Rat faced joke poacher and probable jaundice victim Steve Hofstetter produces the show, which means some shit for brains executive he went to college with owes him a favor. The show tours the country looking for up and coming comedians and graces them with the opportunity to have their act shown on air. The problem is the performers don’t get paid. You don’t have to pay people who aren’t in the Screen Actors Guild when they appear on TV, just like you don’t have to offer your buddy a six pack when he fixes your chimney flue. It’s in good taste, but not legally required. Hofstetter is spinning his tight wad policy into an act of benevolence:
“If we were a union show, we couldn’t break new comedians. Imagine telling a young comedian that he or she gets to be on TV for the first time, but has to spend $3,000 to join a union in order to do so?”
It sure would suck to get paid $10K then have to pay $3K to the union. This must be that Common Core Math that Al Qaeda tricked our U.S. government into promoting so we’ll be too dumb to invent missiles in one generation’s time. I hope Hofstetter gets class action sued by a bevy of desperate joke tellers and he has to forfeit his Sebring convertible. Stand up comedians may be the bukkake level basement whores they bring out for the ten dollar Johnnies on tour through Bangkok, but, ten dollars is ten dollars. Even a Thai sex slave wouldn’t be expected to work for promotional consideration only.
Edited to Add: Steve Hofstetter wrote in response to the post above:
“Your piece uses an old blog as your one source. We do pay our artists. We even pay people who’s tweets and vines we feature. All of em. Here’s the real story (facebook link).”
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 2:51 PM
I’m pretty sure Kelly Brook’s knockers are ripening with the season. Maybe she’s pregnant with ideas. She could also just be getting chunky. British women allow themselves that wretched fate after a breakup. In stark contrast to American celebrities who shove cotton balls and Xanax down their gullet to forget the dude from the vampire show who said their cutting turned him on. Love is complicated. Breakups are the worst, unless they turn your tits into black men’s magazine stripper tits. Then you really have something.
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 2:06 PM
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those shocked by the Stephen Collins’ admissions and those who have even been kid actors coming up in Hollywood. Corey Feldman is the Jose Canseco of former child actors. He wrote the book on the pedophiles and pederasts that fill Hollywood in unduly large numbers and everybody laughed at him. Just like Canseco on steroids. Two unlikable losers who happened to be telling the truth about what really happens in the locker room.
I thought about this when I saw Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale looking shocked about something. You could tell these girls that the pastor dad from Seventh Heaven fondled a girl and all they’d ask if he left marks so obvious that they’d prevent the poor girl from taking vagina selfies. They’re probably talking about a crazy sale on boots. I just assume that’s what girls are talking about. I used to think they were secretly talking about me, but that turned out to be completely wrong.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
Dutch Outlaw Bikers have motored down to Northern Iraq and Syria to go kill some fucking ISIS jihadists. They’re not being compensated, they just found an amazingly low cost adventure vacation. The Dutch government wanted to show that they’re not as pussy or Muslim influenced as their French neighbors so they retroactively decided to look the other way on their law that says their citizens can’t just go to other countries and start spraying bullets at people, even wicked bad dudes in turbans.
“Joining a foreign armed force was previously punishable. Now it’s no longer forbidden. You just can’t join a fight against the Netherlands” — Wim de Bruin, spokesman for the Dutch public prosecutor.
That seems fair enough. Blood thirsty mercenaries and fat middle aged dudes with Harleys and Kalashnikovs have historically done some of the dirty work that official governments are too politically sack-less to pursue. The U.S. will sanction the high in the sky bombing of potential Islamic State bunkers, but are they willing to plop a couple hundred tatted guys on the ground with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a sawed off shotgun in the other? Reagan might have.
Photo Credit: No Surrender Biker Gang on Twitter