Japan Still Scared Shitless of Vaginas

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 8:27 AM

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In the tradition of Zuckerberg, Travolta, and the Benedictine Monks, Japan collectively cringes at the sight of anything vagina. Japanese obscenity laws forbid the visual representation of anything genitalia, with notable exception for the National Penis Day parades in Japan where everybody in town shares their favorite giant sized shlong art and knick knacks. Because of the anti-junk laws, porn flicks in Japan have to blur out all closeups of the headmaster raping the schoolgirls while she either cries or giggles, I can never tell, and that frightens me.

Japanese feminist artist Megumi Igarashi got busted by the poon police for producing a 3-D printed likeness of her vagina in the form of a kayak and putting it in a store window for sale. The snatch boat threatened every single guy you know who likes to brag about how manly kayaking is. Unlike in the U.S. where Igarashi would have been rewarded with a teaching fellowship at Sarah Lawrence, in Japan she faces two years in a penitentiary and a lifetime ban from selling her used panties in train station vending machines.

It’s hard to imagine an industrialized nation in 2014 imprisoning people for making vagina shaped kayaks. That’s some Islamic state type shit. Given that the country has one of the lowest female knocked up rates in the world they might wonder if their vagina blackout is causing all those dudes hauling around ten-foot tall cocks on National Penis Day to have no clue where to stick that bad boy when they do get the chance. You let them practice dip into that kayak a few times and suddenly you’ve put a halt to your shrinking population.

Cara Delevingne Plays Scissor Kissing Santa for Selena Gomez

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 6:55 AM

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Cara Delevingne has been cutting through young Hollywood emo girls like a hot knife through labia butter. Gay movie vampires don’t have this kind of success in building their immortal families. The five bells of Ellen must’ve sounded in lesbian HQ when Selena Gomez started busting up over her breakup with the one true love Canadian midget. An hour later Cara Delevingne is air dropping into Texasto stay with Selena at her mom’s place for Christmas. Selena’s mom is the one in the photo seven years older than Selena.

According to TMZ, which like Superman, is incapable of lying and also knows shit about sports:

Selena and Cara hit up North Park Mall in Dallas, where they paraded around Victoria’s Secret … where they shopped for bras. They then made a beeline for Nordstrom, where they held hands and Cara slapped Selena’s ass.

You could tell me how girls naturally have much more intimate friendships with each other than men do. So I could tell you Delevingne is vagina boxing the sadness right out of Selena the minute mom turns out the lights at night. Delevingne is a rich heiress model from England. She didn’t jet 5,000 miles and skip her family Christmas because she loves the cheese on a stick at the North Park Mall food court. These two are doing it. Just like they were on that yacht over the summer. And God bless them. Hackers, give up the ghost on the shitty Sony emails and get on what has to be some hot lesbo iPhone candids n Dallas.

Photo credit: Instagram

Coco Austin Can’t Fit Down The Chimney

By Lex December 25, 2014 @ 10:12 AM

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Think of all the women in this world who cut, savage, and deform their bodies just so some percentage of lonely bastards might enjoy a good wank. These ladies are the real Santa Clauses. Not the fat old man who delivers presents to children around the world minus Africa because he’s racist. Think about the girl who says I’ll take needles full of centrifuged fat in my ass cap just so some guy in Muncie can splooge into a sock and make his life a little less miserable. By forty, I’m doomed to being the neighborhood freak that schoolchildren run from in horror, but for now, imagine finishing your thankless deed on my titty munificence. That’s true Christmas spirit. The rest of the world just seems like takers.

Merry Christmas.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Angelina Jolie Anorexic For The People

By Matt December 25, 2014 @ 9:39 AM

Angelina Jolie Looking Chesty On The Set Of Her Movie 'Unbroken' In Australia

Japanese actor Miyavi was grasping at straws to explain how amazing Angelina Jolie is and came up with she didn’t eat very much while directing Unbroken out of solidarity for the actors who were playing emaciated prisoners. Or she’s just really emaciated playing just herself. She probably hasn’t eaten a proper sandwich since Girl Interrupted and may have thrown it up. Apparently this qualifies as heroism:

“She came to the set every day, giving advice to the actors, and she actually didn’t eat much. She was so thin because most of the actors were not able to eat because they’re prisoners in the prison camp. So she was so close to us.”

She’d really be bearing a cross if she were able to lift it. If she loses five more pounds and her jaw juts out a few more inches I guess we can chalk that up to mouth cancer awareness. If she ends up dragging her bobble head around due to lack of neck muscle let’s make it for AIDS. When she gains the weight back let’s go with combating anorexia. Point is everything she does is awesome including this mediocre film.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Kevin Nash Choke Slams Drunken Son (VIDEO)

By Matt December 25, 2014 @ 9:12 AM

Professional wrestler Kevin Nash’s drunken Floridian son came home to their Florida home in Florida and started talking shit to his mom and 6’10″ 300 pound dad. Apparently a fight escalated when a belligerent Tristen Nash got a little rough with his mother and Kevin Nash choke slammed him. When police arrived they arrested Kevin, finding him to be the primary aggressor. Then Tristen kept getting physical with his mom and was later arrested, which means Kevin Nash was probably in the right to choke clam his son, marking the first time a choke slam may have been warranted in a domestic holiday setting.

Don’t fuck with your dad. Even if he works at Staples. Old guys are solid and can’t tip over. Regardless how much you bench they’ll still take you down with a backhand if you step too far over the line while seeing white on Bacardi 151. Apply that to your dad being Kevin Fucking Nash and you better sit the fuck down and sober your emo ass up Tristen or next time you’re getting the DDT.

Roman Polanski Remains Fugitive Pederast

By Matt December 25, 2014 @ 8:22 AM

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A judge in California denied Roman Polanski’s written plea to have his sexual assault case dismissed because it turns out it still happened. Polanski allegedly sodomized an intoxicated 13 year old in 1977 while Free Bird played in the background. He copped a plea to “Unlawful Sexual Intercourse With A Minor” and was ordered on a 90 day psych hold. At that point he fled to France like a lot of the wrongfully accused where he has since lived as a socially accepted and often highly esteemed fugitive.

I’m disappointed the judge didn’t sign off with And Go Fuck Yourself following tossing this in his gold plated waste basket. It takes a lot of balls for an active fugitive to to ask for his case to be dismissed without ever facing trial. I say we lure him to Norway under the auspice of a a Nobel Prize, get him shit faced on Bordeaux, tuck some Ariana Grande records and a Seventh Heaven box set under his arm and extradite him back to the States on the red eye. Then you can ask for your case to be dismissed from the confines of a comfy cell. These brutish Americans and their anal ages of consent.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Harvey Weinstein Demands Apology

By Matt December 25, 2014 @ 7:13 AM

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Harvey Weinstein is apparently livid over Amy Adams being bumped from Today. It’s unclear why but possibly because he masturbates thinking about her and that means something. It’s possible Weinstein has actually calculated the loss of revenue for Adams being unable to promote the film to Today’s geriatric audience and wants to be reimbursed for his missing birthday card with the five bucks in it. Page Six, who either pays street people in Mickey’s Big Mouths to be anonymous sources, or simply skips that step and allows their writers to make up quotes with sock puppets on their hands, has this to offer:

Weinstein wants a formal apology or at least an independent investigation into what happened by an independent authority like Rudy Giuliani.”

Yeah and a helicopter and a million in cash. What the fuck are you talking about? My Source just told me Weinstein is going to bring Tupac back from his island to issue a complaint to Today in person unless they let Adams give an on-air dominatrix session to Matt Lauer. On second thought that checks out. He’s not the most powerful man in showbiz for nothing.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Michael Sam Pats Himself On The Ass

By Matt December 25, 2014 @ 6:56 AM

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Michael Sam bragged about himself while promoting his 90 minute documentary which will air in place of his NFL career. It will be seen by several ladies destined to be consumed by their own cats on OWN instead of watched by millions on Sundays. Sam is like that obnoxious history professor who sings the praises of Henry IV in grandiose border line flamboyant tones, although he is doing it in regards to himself:

“Very few reached out to me and pretty much just told me their gratitude and how thankful they were that I had the courage. They wished that they had the courage to come out. (They) just showed their respect and admired my courage… It was very good.”

Sam says there are “a lot” of gay NFL players. He also says “very few” contacted him following his coming out. I feel there’s a discrepancy. Are these guy’s beaming a rainbow signal to him from the tops of buildings? Maybe he’s being presumptuous. Like when you start playing World of Warcraft  and tell your parents everyone is doing it. Turns out it might just be you and a few of your friends who will never produce children. There are definitely some gay guys in the NFL. Their closet status might have less to do with fear of coming out, but more they are busy working their asses off to remain in the NFL instead of sucking their boyfriend’s tonsils in front of the flash bulbs. Once you retire it’s Palm Springs and Speedos and suck my gay Super Bowl winning dick. Until then, unlike Sam, they have a job to do.

Photo Credit: Getty Images