Jose Canseco Shoots Himself

By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 9:10 AM


Jose Canseco shot his middle finger off while cleaning his gun. Those Chuck Norris jokes were never really funny but few could top this true life saga. Canseco is known mostly for shooting roids and acting like a poor man’s clogged colon years Elvis. It makes sense he would spend his retired life on the outskirts of Vegas banging ex strippers and cleaning guns in the kitchen while frying up a banana sandwich. When you sell out your peers and nobody wants to talk to you that’s where you end up. Hanging with diapered goats and cleaning your piece for the fifth time this week. He may never regain the use of his hand, although his brain now lacks basic motor functions so call it a wash.

Photo Credit: Jose Canseco Twitter

Doctors Need More Borders

By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 8:55 AM


Those Doctors Without Borders people always seem so much better than you. Here they are sacrificing a promising medical career to travel the globe and come into direct contact with those less fortunate than us, often in countries so poor they can’t even afford latex gloves. Dr. Craig Spencer has proven this to be a sham. Upon realizing he had contracted Ebola during his volunteer time in West Africa, Spencer told authorities he quarantined himself inside his vintage record laden Harlem apartment. He was lying. In reality went to a meatball shop and did some bowling and generally presented a health hazard to millions of people because he’s an infallible doctor. He most likely didn’t fuck his fiancee because she’s in the clear. What kind of a dude returns home from a month in Guinea and chooses a sub and bowling over banging? A typical hipster who got pressured into med school but in reality longs to smoke weed on the couch all day watching The Big Lebowski. Hence the trips to Guinea and the bowling. If Ebola took out Williamsburg I’d be fine but there are still parts of Harlem unassimilated.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

App Makes Flying Even Worse

By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 8:44 AM


Quickset is a travel app with a bunch of pointless features for people who like staring at their phones during dinner with family. Its new version allows you to check out the Facebook page of the person sitting next to you on the plane before you check in, so you have lots of time to wiki where they’re from and stalk them properly. For the feature to work, both people have to approve access. While ostensibly another horrendous app, it will actually work wonders for weary travelers. If you’ve ever been stuck next to an insurance convention attendee and first time flyer named Dale who doesn’t understand social cues you’re in luck. Just log onto this app as a precaution before each flight. If you see that anyone in your general vicinity is also logged in, visit the help desk and have them reassign your seat immediately. If we all band together we can succeed in isolating anyone willing to chat to the isle near the coach bathrooms. I’ll take a middle seat over someone who’s friendly. Friendly people are nature’s way of warning us against hidden evil.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Freshman Allowed To See Lisa Ann

By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 6:45 AM


Notre Dame freshman Justin Brent will not be disciplined for ‘dating’ porny Lisa Ann in all her holes. Notre Dame maintains the right to reprimand students for having premarital sex, but there is no proof Brent and Ann got it on. If this were a court of law the circumstantial evidence would be overwhelming, but Notre Dame strictly requires high def images of sexual penetration from the cameras they’ve mounted in dorm bed posts and campus chapel pews. Also, there must be the sworn testimony of five witnesses, none of whom were masturbating while witnessing.

Brent was forced to have a conversation with his coach about the dangers of social media which no doubt ended with a high five and a lecture from Brent on how to torrent Nailin’ Palin. In the meantime school officials will have their eye on Brent. He’s free to keep earning them money, but if his dick leaves his pants he could earn a Scarlett Letter. This should motivate him to turn out the lights while banging every white chick on campus.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Russell Brand Wrestles With Truth

By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 6:02 AM


Russell Brand addressed the casual speculation and educated guesses that he simply has to be gay.¬†Brand broke up with his girlfriend and took the opportunity to expound on his sexuality. It’s not that anyone gives a fuck but sometimes you want to hear someone say it so you can go “Yep” and move on. Like I Love You or Harder. Due to his appearance, behavior, and speaking voice, Brand has chip on his shoulder regarding the topic. Its like Kareem Abdul Jabbar discussing basketball:

“I wish I was bisexual. That’s one of the things about me where I’ve got a very traditional moral code. I’m tedious with my heterosexuality.”

That isn’t how a straight dude responds to that question. Slightly later Brand altered his tone, coming close to self actualization before removing his toe from the pond:

“I wanked off a man in a toilet… I thought, ‘I think of myself as heterosexual but perhaps that’s cause of the environment that I grew up in where homosexuality may have been difficult for me to express.”

Maybe a few more perms and some new jewelry and you’ll get there, buddy. In the meantime it may not be productive to rattle the one fat woman in Iowa who assumes you’re straight with talk of jerking off dudes in bathrooms. She’s buying tickets because she think she’s still got a shot.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Adam Levine and His Wife Who Looks Better in Modeling Photos Seem Lovable

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 12:59 PM

Behati Prinsloo Wears Crop Top Showing Off Toned Abs While Attending A Lakers Game With Husband Adam Levine
There are things I love about Los Angeles. The weather, the Mexican food so authentic the tortillas have tuberculosis baked right in, the fact that girls don’t ask lots of followup questions when you tell them you work in the moving pictures business. Then there’s shit I hate. I could make a list, but a photo of Adam Levine, his Namibian model wife, and court-side Lakers seats about sums it up. It’s that singular moment when all that Al Qaeda ranted crap from caves about Western evils kind of makes sense. Not enough sense to wrap a towel around my head and fly to Damascus to behead journalism majors, but enough that if I stumbled into a Prodigy chat room where jihadis were plotting to kidnap Adam Levine to show the infidels who was boss, I’d probably not report them. Does that make me un-American or the best American ever? History will decide.

Photo Credit: Splash/AKM-GSI

Kim K Is The New Lucy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 29, 2014 @ 12:00 PM


Walking urinal Kim Kardashian compared her reality show to the iconic¬†I Love Lucy 1950′s sitcom. Not really compared, she claimed her show was better since it had produced more episodes. I want to get my Ricky Ricardo tux on and slap the collagen out of her lips.

Read the latest drivel from this delusional twat. (The Superficial)

Bruce Jenner got his nails did all perty. (TMZ)

I don’t know who Bo Koehler is but I do appreciate her tits. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sara Malakul Lane is one sexy fucking bunny. (Hollywood Tuna)

Natasha Barnard in lingerie is faptacularly sexy. (Popoholic)

Amanda Bynes is still fucking nuts. (Dlisted)

The WWE Divas wear skimpy Halloween costumes. You’re welcome. (COED)

Colleen Shannon’s Car Broke Down, Or Did It?

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 11:25 AM

Colleen Shannon Wears A Bikini Along The Side Of The Road For 138 Water
The last time Colleen Shannon looked like this she was distracting customs officials in upstate New York so her boyfriend could hop over a creek from Canada into the U.S. with some controlled substances. It’s the Fraulein Helga bent over a low filing cabinet trick. It’s never been topped.

These 138 water people are relentless in their mission. Now working with ex-cons like Colleen Shannon to distract our attention while they spread Ebola and Iggy Azalea music around the world. I’m sure the Free Masons are involved as well, those conspiratorial fuckers. What ultimately comes of this is what always comes of staring hungrily at a woman’s ass bent over the hood of her car. Severely chaffed dick, shattered dreams, and an early death.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet