Reese Witherspoon Unscripted With Script (VIDEO)

By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 8:55 AM

Reese Witherspoon shot a segment for Vogue in which she answers 73 pre-screened questions in the most irritating, faux on-the-spot cadence you have ever heard. The segment is staged to look natural, fails miserably, and serves the basic purpose of allowing Witherspoon to show off her house which has been carefully set dressed to look like a real estate spread devoid of authenticity or contain human emotions. Deperately attempting to be a cute and bouncy teen on her second marriage in her 30s, she hams it up saying she’d love to dine with all the female U.S. Senators (dream dinner!), her rap name would be “Little Spoon”, and some other trite pre written schlock. The series is part of the new Vogue Channel, which you can subscribe to if you ever want to feel the overwhelming urge to kidney punch actresses you previously thought were cool. If you ever thought Witherspoon suffers occasional moments of self doubt, think again. If you still aren’t sure she will spit shine her Oscar and rub it in your face, which she does fruitfully and without irony in this very poor publicity choice which will likely see her PR rep fired immediately.

If you want to see Reese Witherspoon unscripted, I’d recommend this little bit of vérité, which is French for being wasted and swearing:

Chris Brown Seems Earnest

By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 8:40 AM

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Chris Brown is a known gang affiliate who probably irritates victims of gang violence yet remains conspicuously popular among the Nobody You Know demo. For whatever reason Brown has received a pass to permeate mainstream media even though he only performs at crime scenes now and nobody can name any of his songs. Its like if the guy hanging out outside the 7-11 with a backwards bandana took over hosting Late Night for David Letterman. Brown’s mom is apparently now trying to convince her son’s therapist to get Brown to drop his gang peeps. While it would be a funny idea for a movie starring Kevin Hart and Robert De Niro pretending to be a tough guy, it seems futile when applied to the real wold and an unredeemable asshole.

“I talk to my therapist twice a week whether it’s good or bad…I think it’s good to have somebody that you can vent to. Somebody that understands situations and is not judgmental…as a young guy coming up in the industry at fifteen, you don’t really get that, you don’t get the crash course on how to grow up and how to learn from your mistakes and handle situations differently.”

Actually everyone should be judgmental of abusive assholes. Not sure what these sessions entail, but for anyone not psychotically inclined it’s a clear decision. The Bloods don’t boast a track record of success, although neither do shitty former teeny bopper R&B singers with inadequacy issues. Brown should probably fire his shrink and get his advice from random people in line at supermarkets. It would be more to the point. It seems everyone involved in this story is failing on multiple levels including all of society and the mental health field. If my Death Pool is correct we shouldn’t have to listen to this shit too much longer.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Looks Rough

By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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Miley Cyrus wants everyone to know she has been partying it up in Rio. She posted a series of photos explaining she was hungover during her show, because that’s what you want to hear when you shell out $500 bones to watch her spread her perineum on a Jumbotron and maybe come close on a few high notes. Professionalism in the music business really flew out the window when performers stopped singing or playing instruments or wearing pants. Normally with this kind of party lifestyle a young lady’s looks can go straight to shit. With Cyrus this is kind of redundant and maybe she will age herself to resemble an adult woman and not a hairless keepsake for pedophiles to hang from the rearview of their vans.

When your job is to change costumes and move your lips to the words for an hour it doesn’t really matter how fucked up or hungover you are. I wouldn’t mind seeing her perform under the influence of krokodil heroin just for a scientific control. My guess, both shows would suck.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Amanda Bynes Wet Recklessing Again

By Lex September 29, 2014 @ 1:47 PM

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Amanda Bynes got busted for driving under the influence of something stronger than Benadryl. This is kind of a bummer for all of us who were rooting for Amanda to make it clean through her probation and designing kick-ass t-shirts class at FIDM. You may recall that Amanda spent much of 2013 throwing cats out the window and lighting bongs on fire I might have that mixed up. Amanda walked away from those wacky adventures with some voluntary psych checks and a wet reckless charge which is a not-quite-DUI thing they made up for celebrities. Now they’ll have to make up something like super wet and dangerously reckless. Or just the Aguilera. Either way, Amanda, consider yourself on double secret probation.

Twilight Fans Are Racist And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 29, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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The 14-year-old obese girls and closeted men who love Twilight are attacking Robert Pattinson’s new beard because she’s black. He’s “dating” the stupidly named FKA Twigs and Twilight fans have been harassing her with racist comments. It’s always sad when the ugliness of racism arises for no apparent reason. It’s slightly less sad when a Twilight fan dies horribly.

Read all about the Twilight haters hatin’. (Dlisted)

Hey, look! Ashley Benson and Shay Mitchell are kissing. (Drunken Stepfather)

And, lest we forget, Jessie J also has a booty. (Hollywood Tuna)

Kelly Brook is single, fellas. (The Superficial)

If strippers got naked at all games I might actually watch soccer. Might. (Busted Coverage)

Yes, I’m sexually attracted to female Thor. (Fox News)

Beyonce accidentally shows everyone her bra. Whoopsie! (Huffington Post)

North West Could Use Some Fake Tits

By Lex September 29, 2014 @ 10:32 AM

Kim Kardashian and Daughter North West Wear Matching Lace Outfits While In Paris
Update: Just to be clear, between attorneys for black Jesus, my own counsel the ghost of Justice Brandeis, and one very pissed-off toddler, I’d like to clearly state that nothing in this post should imply, indicate, or infer that I honestly believe a young child should have breast augmentation surgery or engage in any types of illicit carnal transactions. There’s time for everything in life. For this beautiful child, it’s a time of great innocence and wonder. I wish her nothing but the best on her journey to that place I’m pretty sure we all know she’s headed, though couldn’t possibly state with any legal certainty.

If this little Kardashian thinks having her ears pierced and clubbing at midnight cuts the family standards, she’s in for a rude awakening. You can’t have one cheap mannequin flashing her oversized cans in the City of Light while her arm accessory looks ready to cry and isn’t filling out her whore suit. If you’re walking, you’re earning. That’s the Kardashian motto. Along with something in Latin that translates roughly to cock in trachea, ten denarius not including tip.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash

Arianny Celeste And Brittney Palmer Are After Hosts

By Lex September 29, 2014 @ 10:11 AM

Arianny Celeste And Brittney Palmer Host MMA After Fight Party In Las Vegas
UFC after parties are key ever since UFC responded to their shittier fight night cards by raising pay-per-view prices to Paris Hilton’s weekend cocaine tab. They schedule some pretty decent match-ups, then cancel when some fighter’s roid box blows or their dog chews off their flexor tendon while they’re sleeping in their van behind the Luxor. That’s why you need the stellar ring girls who pass the test of looking bangable in Larry Bird’s 80′s trunks as they circle the octagon in a counterclockwise rotation between rounds. If these girls started punching the shit out of each other, that would be mighty disturbing, though finally worth the DirecTV bill.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet, Splash, AKM-GSI

Amanda Wellsh Seems Unhappy With Her Oustanding Tits

By Lex September 29, 2014 @ 9:12 AM

Amanda Wellsh Is Nude For Lui Magazine
This Brazilian model looks pretty concerned. Like she just realized it’s been two hundred years since Brazil shrugged off colonial rule and 98% of the population is living off DIY products made from pop tops. Severe faced women in masculine dress with their tits hanging out have always made me a little uncomfortable. Does it make you gay if she looks like your unusually lithesome brakes guy? I’m not into labels. Just so long as nobody’s storing videos to the Cloud, I’m telling my buddies she looked more like Adriana Lima and less like Angelina Jolie at a Serbian genocide trial.

Photo Credit: Lui Magazine