Robert Pattinson has reportedly once again broken up with Kristen Stewart. Sources are saying the unnecessarily intense young actor couple had been fighting a lot, presumably about which one of them is more catastrophically boring and can gin up more fake contempt for commercial society. You’ll recall that last year they broke the hearts of tweens, obese women, and boys who wear eyeliner everywhere when they split because Stewart was getting the old Hi-Ho down low from her Snow White and the Huntsman director. Chances are they’ll get back together again because they are both too annoying in real life to find anyone else who will hang out past the conclusion of sex.
“acrid fantasy portraits of menopausal women — images suspended, in his words, ‘between the object of desire and the object of loathing.’”
– Peter Schjeldahl review of John Currin’s work in The New Yorker
Yeah, I don’t get what any of that means. I just see Maude’s tits. Actually, they’re not even her tits as artist John Currin just took a clothed picture from a few decades ago and added tits. He’s basically a 4chan fake celeb Photoshopper. Only his painting just auctioned for nearly $2 million at Christie’s. I once saw a man with tits at a sideshow in Ensenada. It cost me three American dollars and that included a complimentary churro. I’m not sure if it’s the ‘acrid fantasy portrait of a menopausal woman’ or just the fact that seeing mannish Bea Arthur with tits is so completely disconcerting, but people lost their senses over this one.
Sometimes it’s easy to think of Padma Lakshmi only for her professional accomplishments. Successful TV show host, top-selling cookbook author, arranging to be knocked up by billionaire Michael Dell’s brother. None of that happens by accident. It’s easy to overlook the fact that underneath all the career succes, Padma has big knockers. Take a minute to stare at her chest. Make her whole again.
Photo Credit: INF
Aaron Carter was found mostly alive in the Conga Room of the Magic City Casino in Miami over the weekend busting out some serious rhymes and wrapping himself in the American flag. For some reason I thought he was dead then I realized I was probably thinking of his brother Nick but I checked and he’s still alive too. Fuck me. This is probably good news for the Carter family not to mention the world of suburban caucasian teen inspired hip hop.
Here’s Aaron in a recent gig at Mojoe’s bar in Joliet, IL. If you were ever jealous as fuck of Aaron at 13 playing amphitheaters full of screaming girls, this ought to help.
For all of her lack of talent and general ridiculousness, Courtney Stodden seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders. For instance, unlike former Teen Mom star and eventual porn one-hit wonder Farrah Abraham, Courtney isn’t pretending to be coy about her alleged sex tape. The 18-year old blow-up doll come to life claims that she made a sex tape with her 52-year old husband right after she became legal, and she wanted to let hackers and thieves know that they’re not going to find that tape on her computer or in her home, meaning that she expects to be paid.
But whereas Farrah is out shopping for mansions that she can’t possibly afford, Courtney is still keeping it real and getting lunch at the Cheesecake Factory like normal people. I don’t know what she ordered, but I’m guessing it was a hot dog or a banana, and she walked around moaning and cooing. Amazingly, that would still be the most normal thing she’s done this week.
(Photo Credits: Winston Burris/WENN.com)
Every time Edward Furlong shakes hands with a bail bondsman, another woman gets a black eye. Probably the same one who just posted bail for him over the weekend after his latest arrest. At one time in his life, Edward Furlong was a fifteen year old kid starring in Terminator 2 and banging the snot out of his on-set tutor. Maybe he flew too close to the sun or maybe his S.O.B. gene didn’t mutate until his mid-teens, but he became a spiraling downward abusive asshole ever since. By latest reckoning, he’s been stalking ex-girlfriends and selling dignity for quick fixes down on Skid Row. I can’t wait to see what rock bottom looks like. I bet it involves a tank.
Singer Chris Brown was on hand at last night’s Billboard Music Awards to perform his latest single, “Fine China”, and because he’s like a geography lesson come to life, the performance included Chinese-themed backdrops and Asian backup dancers. Brown also showed off a variety of new dance-fight moves, possibly to let any interested ladies know what they can expect on the first date, but more likely to inform any would-be assassins out there know that he won’t go down without a fight.
According to TMZ, the threat is alive and well, as an unknown man has been phoning in death threats to Brown’s attorney, Mark Geragos. The severity or specificity of the threats are unknown, but if the caller claimed that he was going to slap and tickle Brown to death, my money is on Drake.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
Guess whose dad died from cancer a full five years before Angelina Jolie’s mom did? That’s right. Gwyneth Paltrow’s. But you wouldn’t know it because Gwyneth keeps her personal pain to herself. She only lets it out for tier two magazine feature articles and above. Trumped by the outpouring of sympathy to Angelina Jolie who cut off her boobs because her mom died of cancer, Gwyneth Paltrow wasted no time in penning a cookbook dedicated to her own cancer dead dad. In the book, Gwyneth says you need to cut all glutens and dairy out of your diet to avoid the Big C. Also, you need to find shucking corn more thrilling than a Thanksgiving pilgrim. If this recipe for attention doesn’t push Gwyneth higher in Google Trends than Angelina, expect her to announce that her husband Gay Beethoven has The AIDS. It’s the next obvious move.