Dwight Howard’s Kid Goes To Hooters

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 8:19 AM

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Dwight Howard’s baby mama Royce Reed took her kid to Hooters for his birthday dinner. Normally I’d have no problem with this because the kid looks like he’s digging it, plus Hooters is no more sexualized than a Miami Chipotle at this point. It’s just kind of weird when court documents mention your kid has seen you getting railed by the 12th man of the visiting team on multiple occasions. That’s child abuse. You don’t see Bill Cosby taking his wife to a special screening of The Accused. The odds the allegations are true are equal to the kid getting food poisoning, right around fifty. It’s still not a good look since clearly you needed to stop by Hooters to discuss some petty bullshit with one of your skank waitress friends and dragged your kid along. Or the kid’s just a badass and loves tits already. Hashtag living the bastard sweet life.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lana Del Rey Raped For Art (VIDEO)

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 7:41 AM

Footage has emerged of Lana Del Rey playing a rape victim in a short film shot by Eli Roth, the creep who made all the Hostel torture porn movies. It vaguely ties into a Marylin Manson project. Basically those two guys wanted to shoot a bunch of fucked up shit including a rape scene and thought they’d figure it out later. You never know when you might need a good rape scene. The staged rape footage was stashed after everyone on the set fucked and came down from their Ketamine highs and only reappeared recently. Roth once mentioned it to Larry King, passing off his lack of action as an attempt to shield the masses from his earth shattering art:

“The footage is so sick, it’s been locked in a vault for over a year.”

By locked in a vault do you mean saved on a flash drive at your house in the valley next to the basket of dog toys? At this point this pseudo Goth shit is only fooling the ten people in Hollywood who still think its’ cool and three of them are involved in this video. The rest of us have moved on. We know Marilyn Manson is Brian from Ohio. Nobody gives a shit. This isn’t Berlin pre-Internet. Pull your heads out of your asses.

Justin Bieber Continues Spiritual Quest

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

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Justin Bieber met with a rabbi for three hours because those guys are really nice and generally bored and will talk to anyone for three hours or a year. He then hopped in a Rolls Royce and went to Spago like a guy in an 80′s movie who hits it big when his rich uncle dies. Bieber’s manager is appropriately Jewish and Bieber says he now says a Christian and a Jewish prayer before he performs to the culturally bankrupt with a bunch of skanks in booty shorts. It’s unclear how his quest to ‘learn to spread the word of God’ is going to manifest itself. My guess is an exceptionally shitty and gimmicky pan-spiritual album destined to be played around campfires while ten year olds get high on glue and talk about how cool Bieber’s misdemeanors are. You know, Justin, the best way to get closer to God is to go see him for yourself. Use the warm tub, you’ll barely feel the cut.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Uber Mein Fuhrer

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

Uber

Uber is facing controversy because their Vice President brought up the idea to hire “Opposition Researchers” to slander journalists who report on all the fucked up shit their company does. He actually didn’t do this on a secret mini-cassette recording but in front of a huge company gathering where a bunch of journalists were invited to drink free booze and suck his dick.

Unfortunately word got out, much like it did about Uber fucking with their drivers’ pay, their policy of calling bogus Lyft rides to sabotage competition, secretly surcharging their customers, and their CEO having a back of the school bus bully face. It should be noted they advocate for super hip spousal abuse and LGBT friendly pension stealing. Suddenly this trendy alternative seems more nefarious than the ornery Taliban guy driving my beat up 1997 LeSabre Yellow Cab. I don’t mean to generalize, this guy was definitely in the Taliban. I’m guessing Uber won’t come after us because this doesn’t technically count as journalism. They may still save the IP address to pump carbon monoxide into the ride we call to our next office party at Shakey’s as part of their next business strategy brainstorming session.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Brooklyn Bars Shaming Santas

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 6:09 AM

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Its clear most Bushwick Hipsters are unable to enjoy life based on their ill fitting jeans and cumbersome beards, but many are going so far as to hate Santa. Santa Con is a once yearly bar crawl where a bunch of dudes in Santa outfits get loaded out of their winter gourds and puke in their beards. Failing that they bang hot chicks in the city or worst case scenario return home via bridge or tunnel after their buddy contracts hypothermia and dies on the street. It’s a great experience to bastardize something besides the Irish once a year. The Santa Con people have drawn ire from virtually anyone over 21, but many bars in Brooklyn are refusing to admit anyone with a Santa costume this year. Some trust fund guy with ear gauges who works at a bar for the Instagram photos articulated this:

“It’s debauchery tourism…And there’s a culture clash. I’d call SantaCon bro culture”

Yeah it would be lame if it happened all the time. Just like its lame you sit in a rickety bar and drink syrupy beer with a bunch of guys writing lame shit in notebooks all the time. Sometimes we can learn from each other. In this instance it’s fuck you and your bar. Not that I would be in attendance anyway, that shit’s a nightmare. Hence the point of a bar. Anything goes.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Missouri Is Going to Burn

By Lex November 20, 2014 @ 2:35 PM

Protestors-in-Ferguson-Missouri

The forces of the state do all sorts of tyrannical fascist crap that warrants a good compact car burning or tossing earth’s last remaining metal trash can through a McDonald’s window. But sometimes they do nothing wrong. In these cases, the unsettling of the public square and the destruction of property seems particularly pointless. Ferguson Missouri is about to be torn to shreds. A grand jury finding that the police officer in question did nothing criminal seems the likely finding given the Governor of Missouri has issued a state of emergency, called to duty National Guard, and seems to be delaying the announcement until the Thanksgiving holiday so they can roll the protestor deaths in with the usual Black Friday tramplings. If they were going to string up the cop and appease the riotous masses, you would’ve heard already.

I’ve been to Ferguson. It seemed like as decent a place as any. It’s a shame it’s going to be totaled into ruins soon. I’m sure when the thieving hulk child or college bound shy scholar, depending on who you believe, was charging the police officer for his weapon, he had no idea he’s been taking his entire hometown with him. Or maybe he did. I once wished an H-bomb would drop on the town where I grew up. Though in my cosmic request I somehow survived along with the hot grade school teacher who I believed to have used black magic to make my balls drop.

Tons of bad cop shit happens to minorities that doesn’t happen to whitey. When the people in charge do nothing about that, then people in idiotic masks and hoodies will get worked up for even the misread appearance of something bad cop shit. Maybe Ferguson has to burn so that others may live. We can only hope this is the live cable news event that finally takes Geraldo into the afterlife.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Rose McGowan Without Clothes

By Lex November 20, 2014 @ 1:13 PM

Rose McGowan Poses Nude For Flaunt Magazine
I like Rose McGowan. Most people couldn’t handle a child rapey commune upbringing with such aplomb. At forty-one, she seems to know exactly who she is. A lightly working actress with spectacular tits. That’s not all she is, but I summarized. Kobe does other things besides play basketball, but nobody cares.

Photo Credit: Flaunt

Floyd Mayweather’s Son Seems Torn

By Matt November 20, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

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Floyd Mayweather’s 14 year old son Koraun Mayweather did a lengthy interview for a USA Today piece where he called his father a “coward” for beating the shit out of his mom. Koraun was in the house at the time of attack and escaped to alert security, possibly saving his mom’s life. Koraun weirdly still spends time with his father in what has got to be the most awkward game of catch ever. On the plus side, he gets to drive a Bentley golf cart around so take the good with the bad. It might seem strange the kid is still visiting Floyd until you realize Floyd has served a total of two months in jail for TKOing every woman he has ever boned, because Vegas values boxing revenue over women’s teeth or the family structure. It may have been an error in judgement to call your dad out in a national publication. He’s a few knocks to the head from going O.J. level rogue and you may have just moved up on the list.

Photo Credit: Instagram