Put Down The Baby, Dumb Ass

By Matt July 06, 2015 @ 8:19 AM

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Genius hero and model American Jason Pierre Paul, who plays defensive end for the New York Giants, injured his hand so badly in a fireworks accident that he risked having it removed although it appears he will not suffer any longterm damage beyond his reputation. No word on whether he had a beer in his hand or that baby. He posted a video to Instagram prior to the accident looking not sober, as is customary on holidays or seven week anniversaries. Essentially any time you have the day off. Paul was up for a $15 million contract but had yet to sign. That’s an expensive habit. Although it is an unfortunate incident it would have been hilarious to witness before realizing how bad he fucked himself. Stay off the booze kids. Wait, that’s fine. Stay away from the fireworks. They’ll fuck you up. At least hire a goyim to light them for you.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Sulu’s Apologies Suck (VIDEO)

By Lex July 06, 2015 @ 7:20 AM

Like most social activists, George Takei runs entirely off moral certainty and blind rage. That goes for both sides squeezing in on the middle who don’t give a fuck and mostly just want to know how Steve Harvey is still working. After the Supreme Court ruling telling redneck states they have to let dudes marry other dudes, Takei called dissenting Justice Clarence Thomas a ‘clown in blackface’ which is kind of a gay way of saying an Uncle Tom. It seems offensive to suggest that a real black man would have to support the Constitutional rights of gay men and women because of their own minority status. It’s also kind of wrong. Both because that’s not how the Supreme Court works and even if it did, black Americans are among the U.S. demographic groups least supportive of legalizing gay marriage. This makes Takei an ass, though he did fake apologize:

I owe an apology. On the eve of this Independence Day, I have a renewed sense of what this country stands for, and how I personally could help achieve it. The promise of equality and freedom is one that all of us have to work for, at all times. I know this as a survivor of the Japanese American internment, which each day drives me only to strive harder to help fulfill that promise for future generations.

Takei went on for several more paragraphs of rationalizations, excuses, and calls for attention to his own plight just to ensure his apology wouldn’t cost him his LGBT Vegas Players Club Card. If he’d just stopped after the first four words, he might’ve had it. It’s not that every civil rights activist is an intolerant self-righteous douchbag, it’s just that most are. You’re not special, Sulu. You’re one of us.

We Lost a Lot of Good Men on the 4th

By Lex July 06, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

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Maimed has always seemed to be the appropriate punishment for the crime of ignorance. On the 4th of July when gunpowder is added to the moron equation, killed is what you get.

[In Calais, Maine] a young man who was drinking and celebrating the Fourth of July tried to launch a firework [mortar tube] off the top of his head, fatally injuring himself, authorities said Sunday.

No reason to name him. Shame doesn’t get you far when you’re dead. He was killed instantly from the explosion. Roman candle and you probably live to tell everybody about how got that wicked looking scar on your head and you didn’t feel a thing. Maine only recently legalized the sale of fireworks because they figured they could make money moving product to all the out-of-staters trying to find Stephen King’s house. Also, Vermont was taking all the weed money. State governments these days are running numbers and earning off drug and explosives sales much like the Hezbollah. We need to start separating people on the 4th based on predilection for drinking or fire. Alcohol to your right, those fascinated with explosives to your left. Never the twain shall meet. Certainly not on some poor shmuck’s head.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Dukes of Hazzard Canned on the 4th of July

By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 12:56 PM

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TV Land announced they are pulling re-runs of The Dukes of Hazzard for reasons completely unrelated to the furor over the Confederate flag and general disdain by The Enlightened for all things South and guns and redneck. Bo and Luke Duke never meant no harm, but they did induce one demented motherfucker to shoot up a black bible study group in South Carolina. Uncle Jesse was breeding hate with that moonshine. And Daisy, well, fuck, there was absolutely nothing wrong with Daisy.

Everybody is a dictator who embraces democracy when it concurs with their opinion. Half the joy of the Supreme Court same sex ruling was sticking it to the bible thumpers. Gay marriage was already legal in thirty-seven states. The thirteen remaining voted to disagree. That too was once called democracy. Racism exists in the South. Bible study group shootings are rather rare. Dylan Roof’s nutso jumping off point was the most deadly hate crime in the entire history of South Carolina. Jumping reflexive bandwagons is easy. Thinking is hard. You got them Duke boys. Congratulations, you’re Boss Hogg.

Elle Fanning Seems Ready to Be More Famous

By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 11:52 AM

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Elle Fanning is the anti Kylie Jenner. Same age, but definable talent, un-injected body, and she doesn’t process your Visa card for peeks at her underwear. It’s some quirk of quantum physics that both girls can exist in nearly the same space at the same time. I blame Elle’s mom. She forgot that coming of age speech about putting family over self and upselling suitors by convincing them you’ve never had it in the ass before and you’re scared it’s going to hurt. Calvin Klein might cringe every time he sees girls wearing his underpants. I see it as sign of salvation. You don’t have to be a whore to get ahead. Though it remains a huge help.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Daniela Lopez Osorio Is A Bonermaker And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 03, 2015 @ 11:00 AM

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Daniela Lopez Osorio is one sexy Latina. She fights for the right of so many good causes, then starts taking her clothes off. The perfect citizen.

Check out Daniela in various oiled body bikinis. (Egotastic)

You know it’s bad when NASCAR thinks you’re too racist, Donald Trump. (TMZ)

Kourtney Kardashian says fuck you to her sister’s gun control stance. (Huffington Post)

Selena Gomez looks like she made a boom in those overalls. (Drunken Stepfather)

Miranda Kerr is highly fuckable. (Hollywood Tuna)

Chrissy Teigen has some big ‘ol fake titties, y’all. (Popoholic)

Scantily clad ladies looking in the mirror. (The Chive)

Sienna Miller In a Bikini

By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 10:26 AM

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The European celebrities are in the South of Spain this summer. Greece used to be the chic hot spot in July until the commies decided the retirement age should be thirty-two and bankrupted their cute little village nation. Spain remains the Mexico of Europe. Street merchants will haggle down from fifty bucks to eleven cents on a cute shell necklace if you commit the time. Also, a boy with a struggling mustache will hound you to have sex with his very most beautiful sister. Sienna Miller is there. Everybody says she looks good for a mom. Why the half compliment? Nobody says a woman looks good for being barren and infertile. Although that is what many men are looking for.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner to Cohabitate

By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 9:36 AM

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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing amicably. They intend to remain great friends and even continue to live together to parent their three carefully named children. Which sounds an awful lot like being married, with the exception that all that side fucking is no longer cheating. It’s rather genius if you can pull it off. Affleck gets models on his dick at night and breakfast with the nuclear family the next morning. While Garner presumably gets to feel like she’s not hurting the kids because she married a dude who loves Pai Gow and Asian pussy.

They are not the first celebrity divorced couple to employ such cohabitation tactics. None have lasted on the same property past about six months or the first time they heard their ex screaming ‘I’m gonna cum so hard for you, you fucking whore!’ from the guest house. That’s just super hard to get used to. It’s unnatural to remain amicable with your former spouse. It’s the one person in the world you probably have good reason to hate. What has the leader of ISIS done to you personally? That’s right, nothing. But your ex betrayed your trust, lied to you, treated you like shit, took you for granted, and at some point, probably pissed on the toilet seat just to cause you aggravation. Tell me again how this is for the children? Don’t answer that. Here’s your Facebook like.