By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 8:27 AM
This feels pretty half-assed. It’s not like we demanded this Brazilian chick selfie her tits bouncing up and down like a Christmas window display for grown men. The circus invites you. Every time Ringling Brothers used to parade through our town they’d yell out, we invite you. The elephants formed a small pyramid or they got shot with tranquilizer and crated off to the Manwich factory. That’s what you do when you’ve summoned people into your tent for a show. You put on a fucking show. Make those jugs bounce or stop parading through my town. The art of hosting is dead.
Photo Credit: Instagram/WWTDD Archives
By Matt March 27, 2015 @ 8:03 AM
After it became clear Amber Rose photoshopped her buns like a Carls Jr commercial she came clean and posted a photo of her regular too large to be smooth ass to Instagram. It’s unclear why yet she will obviously be cheered on by a bevy of obese women who like to compare themselves to her the same way I fancy myself as Rambo when I forget to get a haircut. The difference is I don’t go on rogue killing sprees in the jungle yet cellulite isn’t hard to come by. If you’re so proud of your cottage cheese laden ass why did you photoshop it in the first place? When people called me out for talking about that Kony video a lot when I was sober I didn’t pull up a clip of the director masturbating on a street corner and call myself the victor. Either you’re cool with it or not. You can’t have it both ways although I’m sure you have.
Photo credit: Instagram
By Matt March 27, 2015 @ 7:33 AM
Bravo TV host and professional guffawing entertainer Andy Cohen has joined Tinder which is not coincidental because Tinder will pay any celebrity not named Bill Cosby to join Tinder and contract HPV. Cohen joins the list of paid endorsers pretending they’d bang somebody random which includes Katy Perry, Lindsay Lohan, Adele, Halle Berry, Chelsea Handler, Rikki Lake, and the robot from Short Circuit. Who’s Johnny? If you want a run at Katy Perry your best bet is to put on a suit and claim you’re related to Bob Durst. Hot chicks aren’t on Tinder they’re at the club down the street you can’t get into. Gay guys hook up in line at Starbucks so Cohen may be an anomaly. If that’s your bag I’d say go for it. You only pretend to live once.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt March 27, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
David Arquette was allowed to spray paint a wall of which someone else had already done the grunt work because he’s Hollywood royalty and can do whatever he wants so long as it’s not on his own. This includes being in movies and committing petty crime although he sucks at both those things. Stick to your guns and do ecstasy in the guesthouse in your bath robe. The world will get by, trust me on this. This was part of Arquette’s bachelor party celebration. The group then went out and stole cars and took selfies. I know there are holes in your brain but get a real hobby. Steal this guy’s TV and tell him he’s got street cred. He won’t press charges as long as he can tell people he’s got your cell. Tell your friends you don’t know him. Ten months.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Matt March 27, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
Kylie Jenner and Blac Chyna are in a feud because they fucked the same rapper but really who gives a shit. I don’t know what Blac Chyna does or how she differs from any other stripper. It’s possible I banged her once while on mushrooms,. I’d like to concentrate on her hindquarters. The term fat ass can seemingly be used to describe a chick with a plump little ass yet could also be applied to Rosie O’Donnell. It can be a term of endearment or an insult. When someone calls you a cocksucker at their bachelor party and gives you a noogie it’s good feelings all around. Not so in traffic. Blac Chyna does have a fat ass in the sense that it appears it could be more slim. I’m confused why she’s taking it as a point of pride. It appears a certain segment of the population is fetishizing obesity or at the very least likes people who are disproportionate like that dude whose biceps blew up. It’s cool to make fun of the Germans and their scat porn and how the Japanese are Japanese but you shouldn’t throw stones in a glass house. When you turn heads at the airport it’s not always a good thing. Why are there holes in your face?
By Matt March 27, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Chicago sports reporter Dan Bernstein was forced to apologize because he tweeted about a chick’s giant tits because they are fucking huge and hard to ignore. Bernstein was referring to Chicago Bulls beat reporter Aiyana Cristal, who coincidentally got her job because of her Guinness Book tits and has a porn star name, when he dropped his completely commonplace observation:
“I have no interest in her work, but enjoy her giant boobs.”
You and everyone else. You’re not glued to your chair when the chick with the gargantuan melons reports the coach told the team to play hard? Being a human you’re prone to noticing outliers? What if Derrick Rose was playing with a two foot long dick hanging out of his spandex, would it be alright to note that? Someone send me the new rules. Bernstein got a lot of heat because people are pretending things don’t exist now and apologized in a desperate frenzy to keep his job:
“My words are my responsibility and my words were stupid. And there’s nobody else to blame for any difficulties that I might be going through because of my stupidity. It’s entirely on me. And I own it. And I wish I would’ve had a second thought about sending it, and I’m learning my lesson about what is appropriate, what is inappropriate to say, and I feel bad about it.”
Save it for Human Resourcesl Bernsteinl you had me at hello. In my opinion when anyone can do your job you may as well have giant tits. If you’re making a movie and garner an R rating throw a few in as well for good measure. It hurts nobody and if someone tells you otherwise they’re pretending. Now let me watch this Bulls game in the bathroom while I fast forward through the last second shot to catch that in depth recap.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 1:38 PM
Chelsea Handler suddenly remembers she was almost Cos-Raped ten years ago in an Atlantic City hotel where she was performing standup. She remembers being with three dudes who were maybe filming her for something she can’t remember. So, sex tape. A manager from the hotel came and told her Bill Cosby was also performing at the hotel and wanted to invite her for an afternoon visit to his hotel room. Unlike every other woman in the Cosby allegations spanning fifty years, Handler sensed something awry.
That’s really weird. I don’t want to go alone.’ I go, ‘I don’t know him.’ So the three guys I was with –thank God these guys were with me. One was filming and one was like a producer; we were filming something –I brought them up with me to his room and thank God I did, because now I know what would’ve happened if I went up there alone.
It’s unclear whether or not Handler is making up the story now because she’s desperate for attention or she’s not making up the story now because she’s desperate for attention. She learned one valuable lesson that day — fuck the chief at E! and you’ll get more than just a roofie hangover. Make that now thirty woman who have come forward claiming Cosby drugged them and assaulted them and and one woman who claims this shit almost kind of sort of could’ve happened. Was your topless selfie camera not working today, Chelsea? Back to the galleys.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Jack March 26, 2015 @ 1:19 PM
Old English woman Jeremy Clarkson has been fired from Top Gear for beating the shit out of one of his producers. As someone who works in production I can sympathize. There are lots of people in the TV industry that deserve an ass whooping from a cantankerous British biddy.
Read all about Jeremy getting dropped like a lowrider in Echo Park. (Dlisted)
Ain’t nothin’ like a pair of free titties. (The Chive)
Jennifer Lopez returns to banging her teenaged backup dancer. (TMZ)
Floppy-titted Chelsea Handler says Bill Cosby tried to sex her up too. (Huffington Post)
Sara Sampaio eats the shit out of a Carls Jr. burger. Sexily. (COED)
The Jet’s Flight Crew takes some sexy calendar pics in the Caribbean. (Busted Coverage)
Rita Ora wears a see-through shirt so you can see her tittyballs. (Drunken Stepfather)