By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 12:44 PM
If you’re like me, you can’t wait until E! sends Chewbaca and Kourtney to The Hamptons to open up their new store for feeble minded girls with borrowed credit cards. With each new Kardashian spinoff comes the promise that one of the illiterate munions will be killed accidentally by a stoned gaffer fucking up something electrical. Kourtney Kardashian is taking a break from her life as the supervisor to the nannies of two bastard children by suntanning in Cabo. There was a rumor she was going to marry the former semi-employed snowboard instructor she keeps letting knock her up, but apparently the couple are happy as is, just being filmed monkeys for cash. This is good news for Kim who doesn’t want her totally less ass awesome older sister stealing any attention from her own wedding number three coming up whenever all the photo and TV rights deals are finally inked. It’s impossible to describe in words how much I can’t stand the Kardashians. So I just printed out this blurry picture of Kourtney and took a dump on it. Nothing personal, Kourt. I was actually thinking about your mom.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash
By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s “docu-series” comes to an end on Sunday with a big two-part series finale, so if you haven’t been watching up to this point, you’re just like the majority of people in America. Apparently the series conclusion has Lindsay making a triumphant return to the public life, which is actually just her introducing Miley Cyrus at a concert, and also preparing for a new role in a thriller, which either refers to her cameo on 2 Broke Girls, which could be described as “thrillingly unwatchable horseshit,” or maybe the movie Inconceivable, for which the plot is being “kept under wraps,” probably because it doesn’t exist.
But the most intense scene of the trailer for the finale has Lindsay crying about how “mean and humiliating” the leak of her sex list was, and I honestly feel bad for her. She probably had no clue it would get her so much attention when she wrote down the names of every famous guy she’s sucked off and then released it to a tabloid. You just can’t trust anyone these days.
By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Victoria Beckham turned 40 years old yesterday, which is truly remarkable if you consider the fact that none of the Spice Girls ever looked that young when they were popular. If you’d have asked me how old I thought she or the other women who didn’t marry one of the most famous and wealthiest men in the world were today, I’d have probably started with the high 70s and worked my way down in total disbelief. But Posh and David Beckham are still pretty young and incredibly rich, so they spent her birthday somewhere that none of us poor assholes have even heard of. They probably already live on Elysium and we just won’t know about it until we’re all wearing robot armor and trying to fight the mutated AIDS virus off.
Photo Credit: Victoria Beckham Twitter
By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
For most people, Throwback Thursday is a way to let your friends know that you hate the way that your life has turned out and you want nothing more in the world than to travel back in time to the days when things weren’t as shitty and meaningless. But for Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s just a way to throw some more battery acid at her ruined marriage to Chris Martin, as she tweeted this photo with her kids along with the message “luckiest mom ever.” Is she trying to tell Chris that their kids love her more than him? Yes, she absolutely is, because Gwyneth Paltrow is a mean, hateful demon who was birthed on this planet straight from Satan’s butthole. But her kids sure do love her, that’s for certain.
By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 1:22 PM
Kim Kardashian slapped on her Spanx and a support bra and a shit ton of makeup and Corinthian hair extensions took a bike ride in Miami. Some people suggested Kim was homaging Audrey Hepburn in her famous black and white biking photo shoot from back in the day. But Kim was insistent that if anybody was homaging anybody, it was Audrey ripping off her game. Then she announced that her baby daddy would sponge out that Hepburn cunt if she ever showed her face around the Dash store in Miami. When the macaw trainer who first taught Kim to verbalize informed Kim that Audrey Hepburn had been dead for over twenty years, Kim giggled and squealed ‘so sorry’ in a cliche Japanese schoolgirl voice. Then she offered to let any reporter who killed the story finish on her psoriasis blemishes. There are a million fat asses on bikes, only the true pros get paid.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 12:37 PM
One of these mega-yammed bleached blond Nikkis is a Playboy model and the other is currently designing a line of leopard skin pants with Richie Sambora. I could look it up and figure out which one is which, but that would break our implied social contract. We pretend that we stumbled upon these two fun-sized lasses working the 3-lb dumbbells in their backyard. They pretend they don’t know there’s a cameraman snapping digitals down their tops. And we all agree not to mention the phrase, all-day masturbation candy. It’s a tripwire type deal. But nary a missile was fired in four decades of Cold War. That shit works.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Technically this isn’t a selfie, but technically I don’t give a shit either way, because one day this world is going to end, and eventually a new alien species will arrive to repopulate Earth, and all they’ll find to learn about us will be a million photos of asshole teenagers holding their cameras away from their faces. But if more selfies looked like this one from model Irina Shayk, maybe I wouldn’t be so negative about the stupid trends that kids follow these days. All we need are a few rules, like guys can’t take selfies at all, and neither can unattractive girls or girls who make those stupid fucking duck faces. And for good measure, only girls who are 18 are older can take selfies. Sure, you can call this sexist and misogynistic, but I guarantee that everyone would eventually agree that selfies were 1,000% better.
Photo Credit: Irina Shayk Instagram
By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
The only thing that bullshit nostalgia is ever really good for is lining a studio’s or network’s pockets once the public starts acting like some old TV show was greater than it actually was. Case in point, Boy Meets World is getting a new spinoff series called Girl Meets World, because those kids weren’t terrible enough actors back in the 90s, and we should bring them back now as really terrible adult actors. However, Maitland Ward is starting to give me a change of heart about this negativity, as the actress who played Rachel McGuire on the original series attended last night’s premiere of A Haunted House 2 in Los Angeles. I’d watch Girl Meets World if it’s a show about Maitland wearing this dress with no bra or underwear as she travels the globe, twirling her hula hoop. That has to be good enough for at least three seasons before she turns 40 and I lose interest again.
Photo Credits: Getty