Miss America Plays the Red Cup (VIDEO

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 9:10 AM

2015 Miss America Kira Kazantsev Uses Red Cup For Her Talent
Remember when Donald Trump started his own beauty pageant and said fuck the talent portion and the gowns, let’s just get some prostitutes out there with big hair in tiny bikinis and pick a girl who says she hates illiteracy? I don’t really either. But I do know nobody gives a shit anymore about Miss America. Not because the entire idea of a beauty pageant is a tired tradition dating back to a time when spank banks were super lean on content options. Or because Atlantic City is now Detroit by the Sea, a town that peaked in the years when they still shoved horses off of diving boards. But because whoever is in charge owes some money to somebody so now we just get Russian girls from New York being crowned every year.

Kira Kazantsev sat on stage and slapped a red cup on the ground like a deformed street urchin trying to scratch out coins for sustenance. What the fuck was that? You couldn’t learn a couple notes on the violin or how to assemble a Habitrail in under sixty seconds?

The reason why I chose to do that talent is I wanted every single little girl in America to be able to see that you can do that talent — you can do whatever talent you want on national television — even with a red cup — and still be Miss America and have the time of your life.

So, Uncle Yuri told you it was in the bag so you decided to rub it in the face of the bitches behind you from the less connected states? Kazantsev said she wants to use her title to battle sexual assault in the military. Presumably by smacking her red cup in a cadence that calms the savagery of rape. It’s probably time for somebody to put the Miss America Pageant out of its misery. This long, slow, bed-sore ridden death is hard to watch.

Photo Credit: Splash

Terrorist Tool Wrote A Poem

By Matt September 15, 2014 @ 7:56 AM

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Terek Mahanna is a fat kid from Boston who is convicted of aiding al Qaeda but escaped to the Middle East because it is slightly better than prison. Terek now heads up online recruitment for ISIS, since he is one of the few members of the terrorist organization who can write fluently in English. That also sets him apart from most of his Boston public school peers he left behind. Along with posting beheading videos with strident threats to the power in the West, Mahanna often shares a poem he about jihad because that’s the type of lame shit thirty year old virgins think is cool. The poem is predictably boring and shitty except for one titillating passage:

“These are the Hoorees with round and firm chests
Pure untouched virgins, they’re better than the best,

Seventy-two in all, with large eyes of dark hue
Each one created especially for you,

They call our your name asking where you are
But to their disappointment, from the battles you are far.”

If this guy wants death to America he’s going to have to step up his game. Teasing guys with promises of seventy-two pretend virgins might have worked around the tire fire, but not for guys with the Internet. Instead of being gripped by this boring fantasy they can simply log onto Pornhub and start gripping their uncallused dicks. Look for ISIS membership to drop steadily causing them to ditch the poetry and return to trolling Reddit with their explicit hacked photos of the bare feet of hot Syrian women.

PhotoCredit: Getty Images

Ray Lewis Is The Arbiter Of Good

By Matt September 15, 2014 @ 7:25 AM

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Ray Lewis jumped on board the Ray Rice Shame Train and made some comments which would seem reasonable had they not come from a guy everyone believes was involved in a double homicide. Lewis is an exclusive club of dudes who are not only able to get away with murder but also scrub any mention of it from the collective conscience and then get a TV gig and a statue. Its probably those rimmed glasses or some info wars thing that ESPN is doing since its against Disney’s policy to employ known throat slashers. Lewis makes a special point to distance himself from Rice:

“There is no comparison between me and Ray Rice. It’s night and day.”

True, Ray Rice punches women, you stab men. Also Ray prefers ankle socks and you like knee-highs. Spotting the chance to jump on a guy who might just be sitting a couple rungs beneath himself on the moral turpitude chart:

“This is a tragic situation what Ray Rice did was inexcusable, there’s no room in our world for what we’ve seen.”

No matter how bad things get in this world, you can always count on Ray Lewis to make super obvious generalized statements and hide a bunch of your bloody clothes in his limo, as needed. Ray is a simple man. He might stab you to death, but he’ll hold the door open for your granny when she comes to ID your body.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Iggy Azalea Needs A New Porn Name

By Matt September 15, 2014 @ 6:39 AM

Iggy Azalea’s lawyers are threatening to sue Vivid if they market her sex tape with the name Iggy on it, because Iggy is a trademark of Iggy Azalea and not the ten thousand part-time employed dudes who play some guitar named Iggy. These lawyers are really getting into specifics over a tape they kind of claim doesn’t exist. Regardless of what Vivid names the movie plenty of people will be watching it. Word tends to get out pretty quickly on these things and those who can’t bring themselves to violate porn copyright laws online will pony up their money to see Igggy Azzalea get her titanic injected glutes pounded. Iggy Azalea’s team seems freaked out about what might be on the tape so it must include something pretty good. I don’t know what could be embarrassing to a chick whose stage act involves bending over and slapping her pussy in front of school aged children, but I know I want to see it on my good monitor.

Amber Rose Leads To Questions

By Matt September 15, 2014 @ 6:05 AM

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Amber Rose posted some photos of herself where her body looks pretty hot, but is still attached to her twink face leading to a philosophical conundrum of whether or not banging her makes you gay. Its kind of like letting a dude blow you with the lights off, super gray area. This androgyny coupled with Rose strongly resembling Keanu Reeves in that scene from The Matrix where he wakes up bald and covered in plasma in a human manufacturing plant suggests the fashion world may just be playing one long con on dudes who occasionally flip through magazines at the dentist’s office. Rose has been frequently hired as a model despite being less attractive than the notary typing up her contracts. Some suggest her career success can be traced back to her teen stripper moxie, her relationships with several well known rappers, or just the fact that the power brokers in the fashion industry become super erect at the thought of a tiny alien boy with big tits. Yeah, it’s the last one.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Adrian Peterson Indicted, Arrest Warrant Out

By Lex September 12, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

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An indictment came down today for Adrian Peterson for punishing his four year old kid with a switch last May. That’s a thin tree branch for you people who live in big cities and didn’t get whooped proper as a child. It’s a long standing parenting tradition for especially blacks in the South to make their kids grab the instrument of their own punishment off of a tree for a few painful lashes. You can go anywhere from mild stings to a full Roman lashing on somebody with a switch. When the kid is four and his skin is lacerated around his Underoos and you send him back to his mama she might just take him to see a doctor who might just report you to the police. What flies in Texas doesn’t always fly in Minnesota.

Adrian Peterson has between five and seven kids by between three and seventeen women. I’ve done the math too, I think it works out. He had a child he didn’t even know was his until abused to death by the boyfriend of one of his baby mamas. Maybe when one of your multitude of hapless innocent bastards visits you for a get to learn daddy’s name trip you don’t give him the full Kunta Kinte for knocking another one of your brood off the video game console. Even if you agree with corporal punishment, which I kind of do, you can’t do this kind of blood letting in 2014 any more than you can punch your wife in an elevator for sassing you.

Before sending the kid back home with his fresh daddy bruises, Peterson texted his baby mama:

“You will be mad at me about his leg. He got about five more pops than normal. He didn’t drop one tear! … He’s tough as nails.”

Fucking wonderful. What happened to the good old days when NFL players just assaulted and murdered other grown men. Goodell, get on this shit.

Angelique Morgan Isn’t Doing Something Right

By Lex September 12, 2014 @ 1:59 PM

Angelique Morgan Looks Top Heavy In Pink Bikini While Sunbathing In London
You have but a few options when you’re booted from the British Celebrity Big Brother House. Nobody has yet chosen death by self-immolation on the London Bridge. That would be an amazing act of carbon neutrality. Your other choice is to crawl into the woods in a bikini that hasn’t fit you since 1997 and pretend having sex with Gary Busey for two years didn’t gnaw away the good parts of your soul.

Angelique Morgan became famous to about eleven people when she appeared on a bunch of those VH-1 Rock of Love shows, spinoffs, and secondary dingleberries that proved difficult to remove with just a glancing wipe. Enough to get her into the Celebrity Big Brother house where she was reunited with Gary Busey who had no idea who the hell she was since both his short term and long term memory ranges intersect at about three minutes. If I were Angelique, I’d keep crawling.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

The NFL Punches Rihanna And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 12, 2014 @ 1:37 PM

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In its infinite wisdom to cover its ass over fucking up the Ray Rice debacle, the NFL pulled a Rihanna song from its Thursday night football coverage so people wouldn’t think about Rihanna being punched in the face by Chris Brown. They also banned Tina Turner songs and any Michael Jackson songs created after his childhood beatings but before his molestations of other kids.

Read all about the NFL trying to cover its ass. (The Superficial)

John Mayer is trying to plow Jennifer Lawrence. (Dlisted)

Shia LeBeouf has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and being a dick. (Huffington Post)

How can Sofia Vergara even work out with those huge titties flopping around? (Popoholic)

Have you missed beating prostitutes? Here is the trailer for the new Grand Theft Auto. (COED)

Scout and Rumer Willis finally naked together as sisters should be. (Drunken Stepfather)

Julianne Hough has tits and her cleavage looks amazing. (Hollywood Tuna)