John Hamm A Mad Man

By Matt April 17, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

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John Hamm reportedly did some pretty fucked up hazing to a fraternity pledge during his brief stint at the University of Texas. Mark Allen Sanders says Hamm put the claw end of a hammer under his balls and dragged him around the room, and also set fire to his pants while he was wearing them. He also claims he was beaten with a paddle to the point his kidney was ruptured and his spine was fractured and he was repeatedly confined into a makeshift grave in the frat’s basement. It’s unclear if he kept coming back for it. The abuse was bad enough the frat was forced to disband and Hamm, along with other members, were charged in a lawsuit which was settled for three cases of Natural Light and several lawn couches. So, one step short of the death sentence by Texas standards.

Sanders is now a personal injury attorney. There’s no word if he specializes in hazing suits but universities along with Hamm have solid endowments. Hamm has yet to comment but handsome people get a pass at their first hammer claw to the balls. Guys in frats are expendable anyway. If he’d have insulted a pug or referred to Bruce Jenner with the wrong pronoun there might be a problem. I’m sure Hamm feels terrible just look at him. Blame it on the alcohol. College was a long time ago.

Photo Credit: LightheartedEntertainment/Youtube 

Jordana Brewster Not Really Nude

By Lex April 16, 2015 @ 1:12 PM

Jordana Brewster Strategic Nudes For Allure Magazine
There’s nothing more heinous than advertising naked women then angling out all the money shots. Maybe genocide. Depending on who were talking about. Rwanda cough cough. Every year Allure magazine touts a bunch of Hollywood actresses in their nude issue without any real nudity. Zuckerberg could look at these photos without seizing. I can’t believe we’re busting rappers for weed while these magazine bastards go unpunished. I’d pay four bucks to see Jordana Brewster naked. I’d not pay four bucks to see her not naked. Do you see what just happened there? I just wasted four bucks at the newstand. Where do I go to get my dignity back?

Photo Credit: Allure Magazine

Britney Spears Potty Mouth And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 16, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Britney Spears turned on a heckler at her Vegas show after he called her a “fat bitch”. She called the guy a “Fucking asshole”. These were either gratuitous empty insults or well reasoned evaluations of character. It’s really really close.

Watch Brit get all Louisiana on a dude. (TMZ)

Amber Heard looks cold. At least her nipples do. (Egotastic)

Nerds everywhere are spazzing out over seeing old ass Han Solo in the new Star Wars trailer. (Huffington Post)

Courtney Stodden has got some big ‘ol titties. (Hollywood Tuna)

I wouldn’t mind having Bella Thorne’s legs wrapped around me. (Popoholic)

Who needs bras? Set them titties free! (The Chive)

Please enjoy this crotch shot courtesy of Erin Heatherton. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sarah Silverman Justifies the Ends

By Lex April 16, 2015 @ 11:57 AM

Sarah-Silverman-Pointing

Sarah Silverman added her own video clip last week to the streams of women with anecdotal evidence about women making less money than men for the exact same job. Anecdotal evidence has been trumping scientific data since the dawn of time, with a sharp upward trend in the Facebook age. Silverman recalled that time her buddy Todd Barry played a fifteen minute set at the New York Comedy club and got slapped three twenties while she performed immediately after and the club owner game her ten bucks. Indisputable, undeniable, unassailable proof. The Hernandez jury convicted on less. The New York Comedy club owner she named, Al Martin, had a different angle.

I did not pay you less cause of gender …..I paid you less because Todd Barry was booked and you weren’t. It was a GUEST SPOT, so I gave you some car fare, which actually is more than almost any club would have given for a GUEST Spot. Funny how in your attempt to become a super hero with a noble cause, you forgot that little fact.

Al Martin later went on to say that he actually thinks the gender wage gap is a real issue, though naturally like everybody else, he’s never been party to it. Maybe the neighbors nobody likes. They’re always up to no good. Sarah Silverman issued an apology to Al Martin exclusively on Slate magazine where like minded friends could tell her her mistake wasn’t so bad. Silverman reminded everybody that even though her personal story of gender wage gap turned out to be bogus, the issue remains more real than ever. She’s pretty smart. I bet she realizes how stupid that sounds.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Irina Shayk Oiled Up

By Lex April 16, 2015 @ 10:03 AM

Irina Shayk OIled Up For Eyewear Linda Farrow

I’m certain some fancy marketing program at one of those higher learning institutions will tell you selling eyewear is complicated and ask you for $100K to crack the code, but it really is just a Russian model with swell tits greased up like a 5’10″ vagina. Why would you not want those same glasses? You get the guy, you get the body, you’ll cum like you haven’t had since your honeymoon just by holding these spectacles to your face. I want three pair. I can do Paypal, but not until next Tuesday. Fuck, just take my car title, I’m ready to get started.

Photo Credit: Linda Farrow

Miley Cyrus and the Willis Sisters Censor Nipples to Protest Nipple Censorship

By Lex April 16, 2015 @ 9:52 AM

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Those protestor chicks in Europe flash their tits anytime a woman anywhere in the world is denied an abortion. Here in the U.S., the idle hands celebrities are fighting for the right to bare their nipples. It’s hard to imagine the combined brain power of Miley Cyrus and the two impossibly less employed Willis sisters came up with this as their Plan A. I’d recommend bringing in somebody from the outside to direct the campaign. You can find somebody with a valid high school diploma on Craigslist for not that much, a little more if you want them and their partner Chaz to four hand massage your dick and not murder you in the afterglow. The Free the Nipple campaign stands at the all important fork in the road. I’d gently rub my nipples with that fork. But that’s me, I have trouble making friends.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kim Kardashian Cropped

By Lex April 16, 2015 @ 8:27 AM

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Kim Kardashian’s likeness was blurred out of an ultra-orthodox newspaper in Israel because super religious Jews believe that pictures of skin revealing women inherently make them seem like whores. You could argue the general religious point, but since the actual example is Kim Kardashian, it’s hard to argue against the specific. Kanye and Kim were in Israel to have their toddler christened at the site of Jesus’ crucifixion. Also to have tons of footage of them christening their toddler. While in Jerusalem they met with the city’s mayor who was interested in their thoughts on housing policy against a backdrop of a multi-ethnic urban environment.. Also, he just had to know if Kanye puts Kim in an injured horse harness when he fucks her. Really, people around the world think very similar thoughts.

Photo Credit: Twitter/FameFlynet

Crunchy Black Wrong Drugs

By Matt April 16, 2015 @ 7:35 AM

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Rapper Crunchy Black of Three 6 Mafia was arrested for possession of meth in Las Vegas but calmly told police he thought he had bought cocaine and could he go now?

“Oh damn. I was trying to buy that powder, not meth.”

I meant to kill that guy with a Desert Eagle how’d this silly 9 mm get into the conversation? They’re both illegal. Maybe you thought you were street purchasing some 1980′s action film DVDs. Wait, that’s also illegal. When your name is Crunchy Black you’re pretty much presumed guilty so he was arrested and charged with possession of cocaine and providing a fake name which I could have already told you. Black is already wanted in Minnesota for beating his girlfriend and trying to snort the stuff on the side of the highways. The name and the bling ought to go over well with the Nevada judges. Cross your fingers and hope you’re the last guy to hear O.J. confess before he expires.

Photo Credit: Twitter