Lisa Opie In A Black Bikini

By Lex April 23, 2014 @ 12:33 PM

Lisa Opie In A Black Bikini At The Beach In Miami
With the World Cup just around the corner and business association gunmen in Rio lining up street urchins to dump into the rivers, you can bet part time models are going to be wearing lots of soccer jerseys in public. It’s how girls who date for a living throw down their colors. This chick seems to be going strong for Argentina. It could be her pride for the boys of the Rio de la Plata. Or it could be she’s a walking semaphore for the drug cartels offloading their submarine full of cocaine into the skiffs off the coast of Miami. I haven’t had a date in long enough that I’d pretend to be supportive of her role in either option.

Photo Credit: Splash

Bree Olson Is Crossing Over To Mainstream Films

By Travis April 23, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Equally known for her work in the porn industry and as one of the “goddesses” that Charlie Sheen ruined for the rest of mankind, Bree Olson has decided that it’s time to make her run at crossover success as a legitimate film actress. While most of her latest roles are in small, independent comedies that sound terrible, Bree’s biggest role to date (that doesn’t involve being gang-banged by strangers) will be in The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence. The extent of her role isn’t known, but the film’s star, Eric Roberts, at least leaked some plot details to Entertainment Weekly yesterday.

“We have a centipede that is made of prison inmates, and they’re all hooked together. When you see this, you will never want to commit a crime and go to prison. It’s really horrible.”

Having your mouth sewn to another person’s anus and being in a long chain of people who are just shitting into each other’s throats only to eventually die from a terrible sickness? That’s almost as bad as voluntarily sleeping with Charlie Sheen.

Photo Credit: Getty

Tan Mom Is A Celebrity Boxer Now

By Travis April 23, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Tomorrow night in Pennsylvania, Patricia Krentcil, AKA the Tan Mom, will be introduced to Ang Cottone, AKA MILF Mom, in a press conference for World Xtreme Entertainment’s Celebrity Boxing. The two women have agreed to “fight” each other in a three-round boxing match, and the date and location of the fight will be announced tomorrow night, although it was already reported that Tan Mom would be fighting in Atlantic City on June 14. I hate when such important surprises are spoiled like this. The fight is the brain child of Damon Feldman, who so bravely decided that he wouldn’t exploit George Zimmerman by having him fight DMX, because people were fucking pissed that he’d even think about it. Instead, Tan Mom and MILF Mom are the so-called celebrities who will earn about $5,000 each for something so few people will watch, but if Feldman should “accidentally” allow a starving lion into the ring with them, it might be worth our time and money.

Avril Lavigne Must Be Stopped (VIDEO)

By Travis April 23, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

As fast as people can complain about what a terrible song and video it is, Avril Lavigne’s latest, “Hello Kitty,” is being pulled from YouTube, and that’s probably a very good thing. Co-written by her husband Chad Kroeger, “Hello Kitty” is an orgy of awful sounds and incredibly stupid lyrics, ushering Canada’s leading wannabe female punk rocker into a new era of ripping Gwen Stefani off. And just like when Gwen thought it would be cool and edgy to form a posse of Japanese girls, people are already calling Avril’s video offensive and borderline racist. Honestly, though, it’s time for people to stop being offended by trivial things and just focus on the fact that this is flat out awful.

(If the video disappears, watch it on Avril’s official site. I know I just said it’s awful, but it really is worth a brief watch just to experience it. Consider it a dare.)

Olivia Munn Is Getting Sloppy

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 6:46 PM

Olivia Munn Cleavy In The May 2014 Issue Of Allure
Olivia Munn used to be fun. She’s got those Eurasian looks that make dudes assume you could fuck her while watching a ballgame while women see right through her sinister shit and want to slit her yellow throat with an onyx blade while she slumbers. I might be transferring some of my feelings and applying them to the general population as I am apt to do. Either way, I can see her nipple in one of these photos. I wasn’t even trying. I think when she was on G4 and I bought into the whole geeky hot girl next door thing that nipple was gold to me. Now that she’s all network and looking like she had work done and living off the crumbs of coffee cake others leave on the table at Starbuck’s because they assume somebody will clean it, meh, not so much. I’m thinking more about a titty twister for making me watch that first episode of Perfect Couples.

Photo Credit: Allure

Scary Spice Just Doesn’t Give a Shit

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 6:13 PM

Melanie Brown Flashes Her Butt In Beverly Hills
I guess we all get to that age when it’s just fuck it, I’m going to stick my hand up my ass in public. You would never peg a musical talent like Scary Spice to go thong hunting right there in Beverly Hills, but, dammit, she once lip-synched Wannabe to 100,000 adoring fans. If her panties are bunching up in her crust, she shouldn’t suffer for one extra minute. Who knows where the nearest loo is. Unless you’re the man she makes smell her thong in the evenings, this is none of your concern.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Nigeria Seems Like a Fun Place to Take the Kids

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 5:43 PM

Sometimes, you look at a shithole and you think to yourself, man, that’s the shittest shithole I ever did see. There’s no way that shithole could be any shittier. That’s the kind of thinking that leads me to believe you’ve never been to Nigeria. That shithole just got shittier. Nigeria is now half-Christian and half-Muslim. The Christians drive around in modified Toyota trucks with automatic weapons shooting the shit out of people and blowing stuff up and spreading The AIDS just as fast as they can. The Muslims drive around in modified Toyota trucks with automatic weapons shooting the shit out of people and blowing stuff up and spreading The AIDS, but with Hijabs on instead of Don Mattingly era Yankees baseball caps. The Muslims have now started kidnapping Christian teen girls to force them into lives of washing clothes in Lake Ebola and the kind of prostitution where you don’t get good tips. They just ran off into the forest with a couple hundred girls from a high school that really has been going downhill since they canceled all the after school sports programs. My high school was pretty rough, but I don’t remember Muslim insurgents coming to steal and rape the girls. I didn’t pay much attention in high school so it is possible this was going on. It’d be easy to dismiss all the heinous human rights abuses taking place in African countries as back-assed primeval problems too far away to matter. If you want to sleep at night, I’d suggest you do just that.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Jenna Dewan Tatum and Minnie Driver Are Almost Naked

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 4:23 PM

Jenna Dewan Tatum Nude And Covered In The May 2014 Issue Of Allure
I don’t know who else is in here. Damn, I want to be Photoshopped like Minnie Driver. I could be a god. You can’t even see her brown tooth or that plate of St. Louis style ribs she ate in ’98 that stuck around her hips. Sorry, Minnie, please don’t quit Twitter again. There’s Channing Tatum’s wife. She looks good. Let’s be honest, we all thought he was gay. Nia Long, she’s in all those movies I don’t go to see because I’m too white, but she’s good looking even without the airbrushing. I saw her once at Whole Foods buying produce. I was buying those muffins that go bad in twenty minutes just like when muffins were awesome back in the 19th century and everybody died by forty. Kristen Bell. Hmm, her boobs got bigger. Must be God’s way of thanking her for doing so many profoundly good deeds. This Allure magazine is really the bomb. It’s like Maxim, but with good looking celebrities.

Photo Credit: Allure