Michael Jackson Obvious Pedophile

If you're still defending Michael Jackson go fuck yourself. It's okay to admit you're wrong. It's an admirable quality. Sit out Billy Jean at the wedding, this dude raped children. The police routinely frame people for various crimes and plant evidence. Yet, they don't have a ton of child porn floating around in their trunks. Do the fucking math.read more

Terry Richardson Fosters Nurture Argument

Terry Richardson is allowed to get away with being an obvious predator because he's a hipster with sideburns. Apparently a lot of chicks want to do porn yet not admit it. Here's your loophole, and we all know the truth. Do not take them to dinner unless you want to get lectured about gender equality by a chick with dried cum in her extensions.read more

BET Awards Importing Fine Slapping Ass and Shit Around the Web

L.A. strip clubs are scouring the land for the finest black booty to work the stages and rooms for the BET Awards weekend. It's like a junior version of an NBA All-Star game which still leads the world in big professional ass imports. Our nation's sports and television figureheads must be ground properly.read more

There's a Rooster Teeth Channel and They Have the Tits (Mr. Skin Minute Video)

TV content used to be the purview of a small handful of powerful media conglomerates. Now anybody with a camera and a laptop can distribute programming. Wonderful news if ignoring the lessons of YouTube giving everybody a channel. Video compression and server farms didn't cause the general population to become Vince Gilligan.read more

Snapchat Remains Vaguely Successful (VIDEO)

The lifecycle of all social media platforms is that nobody over fourteen understands them at launch, the dude who invents them makes a billion dollars and gets to fuck a supermodel, and nobody admits to themselves the entire thing is merely a new medium for commercials.read more

The Nike Wimbledon Dress Gets Re-Stitched

Wimbledon seems important in those moments you forget it's a British tennis tournament. Cute. Nobody from Latvia is buying tickets now that you left them paying for Greece's unfunded DMV worker pensions. Nike designed a tennis dress for their sponsored athletes based largely on 1980's Hamptons hooker wear.read more

Charlotte McKee in A Bikini

It's a big day when a New York based fashion model heads down to Miami for representation. Blank-faced Polaroids in nude underwear become salacious glossies in bikinis. New York wants tiny tits and boyish bodies. Miami wants giant screaming honkers and streams of last night's rapper cream pie running down your leg.read more

Heidi Klum Hosts A Party For Herself

You're never too old to lick a dripping ice cream cone in the manner of a fellatio big finish. The theme of Heidi Klum's Macy's launch party was lingerie and frozen deserts. One of these things was made within ten thousand miles of the store. Only fat sweaty people eat ice cream in their underwear.read more

Chris Brown Hits For The Cycle (VIDEO)

If Chris Brown understood the concept of irony he'd really enjoy reading his paperback biography while he's permanently locked up six years from now. We'll leave a few pages at the end so you can write in your conversion to Islam, OJ Light.read more

Led Zeppelin Stairway To Victory

A jury ruled Led Zeppelin didn't steal the song Stairway to Heaven from an obscure acid rock band named Spirit fronted by a guy who is now dead. Jimmy Page and Robert Plant both played the I Don't Recall card when asked whether they had ever heard the song in question or met the band Spirit.read more

Ashley Graham Confidence Is Diabetes Proof

Ashley Graham's plus sized modeling phenomenon has opened the door for absolutely no other heavyset models. Maybe they need a wider door. It's important to know when you're a groundbreaking civil rights leader and when you're just a corporate novelty act. Like the black college kids banks hire as summer interns then place prominently in the gratuitous office shot photo on the homepage of their websites and brochures.read more

Arnold Schwarzenegger Wanders a Dystopian Wasteland Because You Just Had to Have That Burger (VIDEO)

Arnold Schwarzenegger exploited his celebrity and movie catchphrases to get himself elected governor of California then proceeded to accomplish absolutely nothing during his term of service. The Keebler elves worked more magic than Schwarzenegger who discovered environmentalism as an excuse to fly his private jet to locales anywhere but Sacramento.read more

Rio Seems Ready

Brazil seemed like an odd choice to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. But only because everybody going there is going to be be killed or live to produce shrunken apple head babies. As with any exceptionally poor decision based upon the transferring of large amounts of Vulcanized rubber futures, cracks are appearing in the dam.read more

Ava Sambora Looks Just Like Her Mom Never Did and Shit Around the Web

Whenever a famous hot actress or model has a growing up daughter the media insists on mentioning repeatedly how she's an exact replica of her mom. That's never true. Sometimes she's not nearly as good looking, sometimes she's better looking. It's rude to note the distinction. So let's just say, Ava Sambora looks less ferret-y than her mom.read more

Gwyneth Paltrow Gracious to a Fault

Gwyneth Paltrow is all about the perfect. The perfect lip moisturizer, the perfect vacation retreat in Morocco, the perfect marriage. Until her marriage ended when Gay Beethoven could no longer stand a woman endless commenting on his choice of salad greens and locking herself in the master bath with a weekend's worth of the perfect trail mix.read more