Mariah Carey Is A Thankless Job

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 7:44 AM

Mariah Carey Preforming In A Sling At A Sandy Relief Benefit In New York

Mariah Carey’s former personal assistant is suing her. Ysler Oliver said she was not paid for working overtime. Personal assistant is a weird job. You’re basically standing in for the unsuccessful sibling who maybe turned down the care-taking gig.  It’s babysitting for a high strung adult. Every now and then you get slammed with work or sexually harassed but for the most part you’re just chilling at a sick house watching an entire Walking Dead Marathon and billing the boss. Technically it was on the clock.

Isn’t this really about not getting an invite to the Holiday Party? I work countless hours eating the Lean Cuisines from the extra fridge in the garage and this is the thanks I get? Who would have known Mariah Carey would turn out to be a bitch when you took the job. When she asked you to wax the small hairs on her ass her esthetician missed, you shouldn’t have starting warming the paraffin, but you did, and sealed your fate. I’m sorry you signed a confidentiality agreement that prevents you from cashing in with a tell-all book. Invoking labor laws is pretty desperate. I hope that settlement money covers you for a good long while because you will never hold Kleenex packets for an important person again in your life.

Photo Credit: INF, WENN

Lingerie Still Trashy, Possibly Contaminated

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 7:22 AM

Candice Swanepoel Models Lingerie For Victoria's Secret

Four years ago Jeff Rossen did an Investigative Report which revealed stores who sell lingerie often re-sell returned items, because it was Sweeps or he’s a pervert or both. Something about a dude bringing hidden cameras into a Victoria’s Secret seems way too Chuck Berry. Following up exactly four years later and therefore also during Sweeps, it turns out most places still recycle satin thongs which have been exposed to open wounds and scabs. Victoria’s Secret, Marshall’s, and Walmart all issued apologies explaining their stock holders would rather you be exposed to the herp than their bottom line take a 1.2% hit. Also, if you’re buying lingerie at Walmart the genital itching is the least of your problems.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

I Always Knew Less People Gave A Shit

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 6:34 AM

Kim Kardashian Posts A Selfie To Instagram

Instagram notified a bunch of celebrities their accounts were being Purged, meaning some of their bogus followers were being deleted. Kim Kardashian lost 1.3 million pretend fans in a few hours, Rihanna 1.2, and Katy Perry 300,000 because her people are wholesome and less like obvious Spam Bots. Humans are easily swayed. You tell them you’re popular and just like that you are. Let alone you don’t do anything besides get pearl necklaced on Beta or cut a hook you didn’t write every few years give or take. Paying for followers is highly necessary when you’re dramatically uninteresting. I’m convinced David Spade did this with actual women in the late 1980′s. This is a new generation. Fake it till you make it. Then keep faking it and deny your popularity is not only greatly exaggerated but also based on a vast conspiracy called taking one of those free classes on Social Networking at the Apple Store.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Floyd Mayweather Victimized But Not in Any Fun Way

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

Floyd

Floyd Mayweather was in Saks acting like an asshole and some lady called the police on him for pissing in a bathroom that was supposedly blocked off for a private event. The cops didn’t care because the malls are a shit show this time of year. Show up for every out of bounds urination incident and next thing you know you’re expected to rush over for an armed robbery in progress. I’m thinking maybe this chick doesn’t like the black people so much. Or maybe just Floyd Mayweather. I’m racist against Mayweather. Maybe racist is the wrong term, I just hate illiterate guys known for beating up women and men the size of porn stars. On the off chance he has some Irish or German in him I hate them too. When you gotta go you gotta go. Especially when you’re a filthy drunken Irishman named Floyd.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Somebody Stand Up to North Korea? Anybody? Wolverines?

By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 2:25 PM

There have been low points for this country before. I’m not 238 years old, I don’t remember them all. Humdingers like the Civil War didn’t affect me personally. This North Korea ass-raping of the American film industry is a different matter. This isn’t a group of overachievers on some podunk college basketball team who upset Kansas or Kentucky once a decade and make for a great story. This is North Korea. They’re friendless street punks. They just made our entertainment industry fall to their knees and start sucking.

“There is evidence to indicate we have seen destructive activity with malicious intent that was initiated by a sophisticated actor. And it is being treated by the FBI and the Department of Justice as seriously as you would expect.” — White House statement

Stop it, White House. You’re making Kim Jong Un laugh while he’s trying to masturbate to his victory. That douchebag found a couple ‘sophisticated actors’ in his country, offered them the choice of double rice portions of death to hack into Sony, and now we’re waving the white flag like it’s our national emblem. I could give a shit about The Interview. If I never have to see James Franco and Seth Rogen gay-bait for promotion ever again, I’ll abide. But cowardice is somewhere below both greed and thinking Steve Harvey is funny on the list of unforgivable sins. Today, we sucked, America.

Colleen Shannon in a Bikini

By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 1:56 PM

Colleen Shannon Wears A Bikini For 138 Water In Malibu
Jail time looks good on Colleen Shannon. Damn, that ass. I can only imagine how coveted she was in the Sapphic showers of the women’s penitentiary. Two packs of smokes and a case of the pre-expired tampons just to be the one who got to hold her in the full-nelson. If they housed all the better looking women in one prison and put up cameras and streamed it to a premium pay site, they could make enough dough to easily pay for the entire correctional system. How the hell am I not governor?

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Alessandra Ambrosio Arm Bra (VIDEO)

By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 1:05 PM

Alessandra Ambrosio Arm Bra For Love Magazine Advent Calendar
If you’re not getting an invite to be in this Love Magazine Christmas not quite nude melange, you ought start figuring out how to get frigid magazine editors to anoint you the next Lena Dunham. Every girl with a pretty smile and a nice ass has been featured in these videos this month. They even let Kris Jenner pose after she promised to buy a ton of copies and not flash the triple-6′s etched into her skull during The Creation. Not being featured in this feature is like going through college without getting an STD. It only means you weren’t popular.

Photo Credit Love Magazine

Candice Swanepoel Models Bikinis

By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 12:20 PM

Candice Swanepoel Wears Victoria Secret Bikinis
This chick reminds me what a pain in the ass it must be to be a woman shopping for a bikini. I couldn’t buy a bathing suit if I saw one of the Hemsworth brothers modeling them with their abs just prior. Too much fucking pressure to look Thor. Unless you’ve got a body like Candice Swanepoel, this Victoria’s Secret shit is going to be riding your crack and unflattering your flaws. I’d still buy it because there are starving kids in India who need day jobs. But I’d have buyer’s remorse the minute I pulled that thong out of my bag at home and realized I was going to look like a tied Christmas roast. I’d make a horrible woman.

Photo Credit: Victorias Secret