By Jack March 11, 2014 @ 12:38 PM
Lumpy Loch Ness monster Lena Dunham is at it again when she made a child rape joke after her SNL appearance. It all started when the tatted manatee appeared on SNL, you guessed it, naked. The bit was meant to make fun of criticism that Dunham is unnecessarily nude on Girls. When someone on Twitter asked her what we are all thinking, “Why are you naked all the time” she responded by Tweeting,
“Please tell that to my uncle, mister. He’s been making me!”
Child molestation is hilarious! The Internet jumped down her throat, because everybody on the Internet is right. Dunham apologized profusely and said she didn’t mean any disrespect to people who had been fiddled by their uncles. The fact is, for somebody who pretends not to care what people think about her, Lena Duham cares a shitload. She’s not writing tons of horrific sex scenes for herself because she’s indifferent to public notice. That’s exactly why she is doing it. And why she and her New York inflated minions become so aggressively hostile when her ‘indifference’ is questioned. She’s the most sensitive person in the world, you know, underneath that thick protective layer of comfort food.
By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 12:26 PM
Here’s a little hint for the ladies. If your boyfriend tells you who you can or can not hang out with or work with, it’s not because he values you, it’s because he owns you. Fuck, how about that for a little Oprah meets Dr. Phil meets that halfway house counselor you’ll be meeting with soon with a bloody lip explaining that she doesn’t understand, sometimes he just gets angry when you burn his toast. Shakira’s baby daddy, Gerard Pique, doesn’t let her get near men, even for her music video work. She even had to ask him permission to be slightly touching Rihanna in her latest music video. Shakira, who is apparently a teenage girl from a broken home, thinks this is super romantic awesome:
He’s very territorial, and since he no longer lets me do videos with men, well, I have to do them with women. It’s more than implied in our relationship that I can’t do videos like I used to. IT’s out of the question — which I like, by the way. I like that he protects his turf and he values me, in a way that the only person he would ever let graze my thigh would be Rihanna.
Many defenders of her soccer playing boyfriend say that Americanos just don’t understand the traditional Spanish world view on how a respectable wife who would never be allowed to dance with another man in public. Which might almost make sense if Gerard had actually bothered to marry Shakira, instead of just banging a bastard baby into her, which I guess is also Spanish traditional. C’mon, Shakira, you’re a 36-year old multimillionaire midget with a nice ass. You don’t need a dude who’s charting your response times to his texts. Come be with me. You can come home at 3am stinking of Old Spice and covered in man juice and I’ll just make you some lentil soup and ask you if you need an ice pack for your vag. Just buy me a Bentley and hump me on Sundays and I’m good.
By Travis March 11, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Beyonce and Jay Z took a little break from the former’s European concerts for some play time in Dublin yesterday with their daughter, Blue Ivy, because they’re just normal parents who want a good life for their child. Of course, while most kids her age are hanging out in pre-school or daycare while their parents are hard at work to keep the middle class from vanishing, Blue Ivy is being pampered on private jets and staying in the fanciest hotels across the world. That’s the breaks that a kid born into the Illuminati gets these days, though, and the rest of your unimportant children are going to have to accept that when Blue eventually takes over the world and forces them all to sacrifice their blood to the one true moon devil. But at least it will be absolutely darling when she does.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Travis March 11, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Now that he’s done showing all the lawyers and Katie Courics out there that he doesn’t have time for their questions as he looks to further detriment his career, Justin Bieber is letting the rest of the world know that Selena Gomez is his one and only. While he’s since deleted the video, Justin posted this clip of him and Selena practicing a very sensual dance routine on Instagram, and these two just seem to be made for each other. In fact, if we could place them inside their own vault and sink it to the bottom of the ocean, they could live happily ever after with each other for the rest of their lives. Of course, the vault would probably break and open up as they descended through a school of starving sharks, and that would just be unfortunate. But at least they’d still be in love.
By Travis March 11, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
From front to back and side to side, there’s no denying that Britney Spears is still one of the sexiest women in the world. She was out shopping in Malibu yesterday, and between the cutoff jean shorts and sleeveless, shredded t-shirts, I can’t even think of another female celebrity that looks this good without trying. You could line up every last Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and tell me to rank them, and I’d start with No. 2 and move on from there, because Britney’s the clear winner of this competition. In fact, Aphrodite might as well just pack shit up and get the hell out of Olympus, because ascending to heaven is the only thing left to do on this pretty lady’s checklist. Well, right after getting some ribs, probably.
Photo Credits: revolutionpix/WENN.com
By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 6:50 PM
Irina Shayk just filmed her debut role in the new Hercules movie. No, not that last one where Kellan Lutz said some stupid shit that made no sense and asked everybody to look at his nipples while he bathed in Perrier. This next horrible one where we once more pretend that Dwayne Johnson is an actor. Irina Shayk isn’t an actress, but she is pretty damn good looking so however horrible she is at playing Hercules wife won’t really matter. Maybe Brett Ratner will do with Hercules what he did to X-Men and we won’t have to see anymore of these films for several years. We really don’t need any more classical Greek inspired adventure movies. We have plenty of relatable modern day heroes like Congressmen and single moms and gay actors.
Photo Credit: Beach Bunny
By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 6:21 PM
It’s hard to imagine thinking Justin Bieber is more of a douche nugget than before, but watching this compilation of his Judd Nelson in Breakfast Club canned disaffection during a civil deposition elevates this Lollipop Guild thuglifer to an entirely new level of imp status. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that he’s high or that he’s trying to imitate how he thinks a tough guy acts when being questioned, but we need to arrange for some of those kindergarten tykes in Krav Maga to hammer strike him to the nads until he’s back across the border in Canada.
By Jack March 10, 2014 @ 5:58 PM
Jay Z won’t be Kanye West’s best man at his wedding this coming May. Kanye asked Jay Z to stand at his side while he intentionally fucks up his life and marries the world’s most notorious money-crazed hooker. But Mr. Z and his wife Beyoncé refuse to appear on Keeping Up With The Kardashians because either it’s beneath them or they couldn’t agree on a price to make it not so beneath them. E! has offered to pick up the multimillion dollar bill for the expensive French wedding if they are allowed to shoot the whole thing for the network and the show. It’s just good for tampon sales. But Beyoncé isn’t having it. So, is it more important for Kanye to have his best friend stand by his side at his wedding or to be on his fiancee’s whore slobbering TV show? We all know the answer. An over-blown publicity stunt like Kim’s seventh wedding televised for the credulous morons that worship the Kardashians is too much for a mass media whore like Kanye West to pass up. That’s just street. Wait, I think backing your man is street and selling out to your skeevy booty call is not- street. I can never keep this shit straight.