like some kind of supermom

By brendon April 02, 2009 @ 10:24 AM

If you think there’s no bias against the Lohans, maybe you can explain how people are always saying parents should spend time with their kids, yet when Dina brought her 15-year-old daughter to a bar, THEY REFUSED TO LET HER IN!  What is this, Russia?!?!

When a 46-year-old mom wants to take her daughters out for a special night, a Hollywood nightclub might seem a curious choice. Not so for Dina Lohan, who took Lindsay, 22, and Ali, 15, to Villa on March 25, Us Weekly reports.
“Do you know who I am?” Dina protested when they were turned away at the door because of Ali’s age.
“You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!” Lindsay added.

Oh what!  I hope that dude enjoyed his job.  Management is gonna be pissed when they find out he didn’t let in a minor who is closer to 12 than 21.  He better hope they only fire him, and don't sue, or even kill, him.

morning headlines

By brendon April 02, 2009 @ 8:38 AM

JOHN MAYER – gawker says his new song is about a “woman obsessed with another man and can communicate only indirectly, for example through national tabloid magazines.”  But they don’t name the woman, instead they say something about Jenifer Ansiton.  Hey Gawker, WTF?  (gawker)

BRITNEY – she's apparently “fallen for her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, and is trying to rebuild their broken family.”  But the 5 paragraphs before that are about her gettin it on with some other dude.  So Kevin is forgiven if he’s getting mixed signals. (source = ok)

LIZ HURLEY – she’s a genius when it comes to understanding the power of tits, so of course when she opened her store in Bicester, England yesterday – not a bikini store, mind you – she had hot teen girls in bikinis.  Rest assured, if there’s a way to get clean renewable energy and tits are somehow involved, Liz Hurley will figure that shit out. (source = getty and wenn)

britney is a master criminal

By brendon April 02, 2009 @ 6:08 AM

People magazine says that Britneys “life has gone from soap opera to spy novel” after the testimony yesterday in court by Sam Luftis sister Christina, who said Britney contacted her to secretly attain a prepaid cell phone to make calls without her fathers knowledge.

"[Britney] told me she wanted to get a hold of Sam," said Christina, 25, whose brother had once been Spears's manager. "She wanted him to help her find a lawyer, and wanted someone to get a prepaid cell phone to her. She was scared because her father was blackmailing her with visitation rights over her kids."
Spears allegedly told Christina to meet her on the fifth floor gym of the Peninsula Hotel on Jan. 16. When Christina arrived, Spears was working out with her mother while a bodyguard stood nearby. But they rendezvoused in a sauna where Christina gave her a phone.
The phone, however, was later discovered by Spears's security team and confiscated from her purse.

Look People magazine, I like you, but don’t god damn tease me about spy novels and then tell me a girl got a cell phone but now she doesn’t have a cell phone The End.  I’ve never read a spy novel, but I have read several issues of Busty Foxes magazine and I got diabetes and scurvy when GoldenEye 007 came out on Nintendo, so I’m an expert on girls and spies, and I assure you that never once did James Bond hide in the sauna from his mom.  

evening headlines

By brendon April 01, 2009 @ 3:52 PM

WOLVERINE – the X-Men sequel won’t hit theatres for another month, but a nearly finished print leaked online last night around 7:30.  The source of the leak is still unknown, but I assume that Dougray Scott somehow did it(source = variety)

MADONNA – her lawyer confirms the adoption of Mercy James is all but finished.  He creepily said, "I don't see any law in Malawi that can stop this adoption."  Then he put on a big metal glove and added, “No one on earth can stop us now!  Silly humans, with your puny laws!”  (source = us.com)

HEIDI KLUM – she’s naked in a new book from photographer Russell James, but it's kind of boring because they’re in black and white and outside and blurry and she covers up.  So here is Eve Wrywal doing the opposite of everything I just said. (link is NSFW).

pretend britney is super hot

By brendon April 01, 2009 @ 11:41 AM

The new Candies ads featuring Britney Spears went online today, and it’s a little insulting for them to insinuate that Britney still looks like this (uh), but other ads tell you that turning on your thermostat causes dollar signs to escape out the top of it, and they act like your kid wouldn’t get taken away by child services if you and your wife put bathrobes on backwards at his little league game, so it's really not the first time advertisers have told you to go fuck yourself.

megan fox might be weird

By brendon April 01, 2009 @ 10:22 AM

Megan Fox rushed right into Bar Marmount last night (perhaps anxious to enjoy some award winning Three Olives vodka) and one thing is clear: she’s not stuck up.  The winner of the Handsome Man Contest let her in, then she hung out with some filthy hippie who sells candles out of her van, then some dork in an aquamarine coat.   All that’s missing is that dude who wants to get you free money from the government and Billy Mays.

EXCLUSIVE – the Lindsay sex tape

By brendon April 01, 2009 @ 8:39 AM

A plan is in place for Lindsay Lohan to release two hardcore sex tapes. She has refused this offer several times already, but competing groups are now driving the price to insane heights.  The producer loaning her the Maserati is not the only one in porn trying to get her to do this.

Very obviously, Lindsay Lohan isn’t gonna get gangbanged in a rented out bowling alley (that’s not a euphemism for her vagina by the way), but she can choose some guy she likes, fly to a resort and get it on her knees while he films it.  The plan I heard says the tape will be released in two parts, a total of six hardcore scenes, claiming it was made during her trip to Mexico with Sam last September (here).  The guy will remain anonymous.

Lindsay has no money.  She has no job offers or decent endorsement deals.  She has not agreed to do anything yet, in fact she has refused several times, but she is being offered millions, upfront, locked away for now but paid later while calling it a lawsuit settlement.  I asked the odds that she would actually do this, I was told 1 in 4.

So there you go.  At first this seems insane, but then two seconds later it seems about right.  If she got real slutty, the movie would make hundreds of billions of dollars.  Even the novel based on the movie would hit number 1.  Personally, the minute I heard the dvd was done, I would wrap my penis in packing material just to make sure it stays safe until the big day.

morning headlines

By brendon April 01, 2009 @ 7:15 AM

BRUNO – the first cut of the follow-up to “Borat” has received an NC-17 rating.  Maybe because of the scene where the black baby he bought arrives in a cardboard box at the airport.  Or because you can see the baby in pictures of Bruno having gay sex.  And yet he’s still a better parent than either of the Lohans.  (source = the wrap)

MADONNA – the fundraiser she held 14 months ago to raise money for Malawi brought in an impressive $3.7 million.  It will help save lives, as soon as she finds it.  To be fair, she’s never explained where the money is or what it’s for, so it’s almost like it never even existed.  (411)

AMERICAN IDOL – Megan Joy is expected to be cut from AI tonight, so good news for people who like things that suck.  That hot black girl from Mississippi was the best package by a mile, but she’s gone, now so is Megan and her huge rack.  Fox better get Marisa Miller to sit in the audience and lick her breasts or else no one will ever watch this POS.  (source = E! and Dial Idol)