“I slept with my own father.”

By brendon September 23, 2009 @ 9:45 AM

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To set the table here, Mackenzie Phillips is the daughter of John Phillips, the founder and lead singer of ‘The Mamas & the Papas’. He’s also the father of actress Bijou Phillips and singer Chynna Phillips. Mackenzie was a big deal in the 70s when she starred on the CBS sitcom ‘One Day At A Time’. Valerie Bertinelli played her sister, and Pat Harrington played ‘Schneider’, the gruff building superintendent with a heart of gold.

Now to the point: Mackenzie will be on Oprah today (the show, not the fattie) to promote her new book, and according to People magazine, she reveals that she had sex with her own father. Oh I know right. What a slut!  It takes some nerve to go on TV and brag about raping her own dad.

“On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it,” writes Phillips, who was 19 and a heavy drug user at the time. “I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad’s bed.”
“My father was not a man with boundaries. He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father.”
“Had this happened before? I didn’t know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it.”

OK so apparently he was the one who raped her. The headline didn’t make that very clear. I assumed she was the predator because that’s how girls are with me. I am like sugar to them.  They’re constantly pawing at me and asking to rub my genitals. In fact before I go to a party or a bar or somewhere like that, I have to soak my penis in that bitter apple puppy spray stuff so girls won’t keep licking it and putting it in their mouth.

afternoon headlines

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 6:44 PM

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FUN WITH TAZERS – Police in Merced, CA. used a stun gun on a man with no legs in a wheelchair. Twice. Then his pants fell down as they handcuffed him on the ground, and they left him that way in broad daylight. Then he sat in jail for 6 days, then was released for lack of evidence. Why would they do all this? Probably because the guy was an asshole. I’ve had a house cat kick my ass, don’t tell me someone in a wheelchair can’t bite and scratch and give you some disease. And of course they left him on the ground. He’s got no legs. What should they do, carry him around on their back like he’s Yoda? (ap)

KHLOE KARDASHIAN – will marry LA Laker Lamar Odom this Sunday, even though they only met last month. “It will be a very detailed and classy affair,” a source said of the wedding. Unlike the divorce next month, which will be haphazard and bullet ridden. (people)

HEATHER LOCKLEAR – has agreed to reprise her role as Amanda Woodward on the new ‘Melrose Place’. The plan is for her to make her debut on Nov. 17, around one month after the show will be canceled. (wonderwall)

BILLY JOEL – is 60, and still divorcing 27-year-old Katie Lee Joel, but yesterday he brought his new gf to the opera, and she looks even younger than Katie (picture). At what point are we gonna see the FBI confiscating this guys hard drives. (popeater)

ANNALYNNE MCCORD – wore this awesome dress to the HBO Emmy party Sunday night. She and I would be a good couple because we’re both real hot, but I dress real conservative. My sexuality is assertive without being pushy. (hq jump here. source = getty and pco)

“was left drenched in blood…”

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 5:20 PM

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Christina Aguilera and her mom, Shelly Kearns, are the focus of a new documentary on E!, and they talk candidly about why Kearns left Christinas father. It seems pretty reasonable. The Sun UK says…

A FOUR-year-old CHRISTINA AGUILERA was left drenched in blood after her father violently attacked her – for innocently disturbing his “nap”.
Shelly recalled: “I scooped her up and said, ‘Oh my God. What’s wrong?’
“She told me, ‘Daddy wanted to take a nap and I made too much noise.’”
The alleged horror incident was the final straw for Shelly, who packed up and fled the family home with Christina and her other daughter RACHEL.

Well, even though she did make too much noise, you shouldn’t beat kids until they’re soaked in blood. There’s better ways to deal with a kid who interrupts your nap. Cookies filled with poison, for example.

lindsay throws beer cans now

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 2:40 PM

Lindsay Lohan has no business at an acting award ceremony of course, so she did not attend the Emmys Sunday night. She is an alcoholic drug-addict however, so she very much did attend the Emmy after-parties, including one at the Chateau Marmont.

When she stumbled out “definitely drunk” around 3:30am, she was in no mood for the paparazzi. As she ducked down to drink do drugs have sex with something hide, they asked things like “are yoo a bade influence on your seester?”

Then, as if to answer “yes”, she took a can of Amstel Light and threw it at them. Luckily there just happened to be an open can of beer in her hand, even though she doesn’t drink. Maybe that cars back seat makes Amstel Light. Do they have cars like that? I didn’t think they did but Lindsay doesn’t drink or lie, so it’s the only logical explanation.

nicola roberts understands fashion

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 1:41 PM

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At an event last night at the Mayfair Hotel in London, Nicola Roberts showed why she’s my favorite member of the UK girl-group ‘Girls Aloud’. Primarily because she wore a shirt that might as well be made of glass, but also because I don’t know who my other choices may be. Is Carrie Underwood in that? She’s a singer, right?

Nicola isn’t that awesome looking or anything, in fact it’s a little like we’re being seduced by Arianna Huffington, but any famous rich girl who wears invisible clothes gets a Five Diamond ranking in my book. My book is called, “Girls Who Probably Do Anal.”

(10 more here. hq jump here. source = wenn, splash and flynet)

this dude seems pretty cool

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 12:47 PM

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Katy Perry helped out the band 3OH-something-something-I-have-no-idea and got all wet in a fountain for their new video. And while being in a band seems like a cool job, it’s not nearly as cool as the guy who answered the ad to fondle Katy Perrys huge breasts. I’m sure he’s gay (ungrateful bastard) but I would pretend to be gay too for a job where my responsibilities included “Feel Some Big Titties”.  Unfortunately they might catch on when I stared into her eyes the whole time with an erection. Then pulled her hair and called her a whore.  And then came.

(16 more pix here. hq jump here. source = fame)

detective freckles was right!

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 11:23 AM

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When Lindsay Lohans house was broken into last August, Detective Freckles got out her trench coat and giant magnifying glass and deduced that the culprit may have had motives even more sinister than simple financial gain.

that’s how i know it was not a ROBBERY. electronics weren’t taken… just things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me

Well, that still makes it a robbery, I mean ROBBERY, but whatever, because today TMZ says the suspect was an old friend. Her coke dealer.

The man arrested for allegedly burglarizing Lindsay Lohan’s house may not have been a stranger to the actress..
Several people who worked with her on the movie “Labor Pains” saw Nick Prugo hanging out on the set with Lindsay. One person who worked on the set estimates she saw them together at least 10 times.
Prugo — who is 18 — was arrested for cocaine possession last February.

Lindsay almost made this arrest last week when she confronted Nick but he escaped when the heel broke off one of her shoes during a struggle and after that she just ran in a circle for about a minute then got dizzy and fell down.

its the perfect crime

By brendon September 21, 2009 @ 4:53 PM

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In May of 2008 (here), several recordings were released of phone conversations between Hulk Hogan and his son Nick while Nick sat in jail for essentially killing his friend John Grazziano. On the tape, Hulk and Nick agree that Johns negative attitude was why the Lord slammed Johns head into a light pole, and Nick was merely the vessel for their vengeful Gods angry wrath. They also discussed how Nick could make the most money possible from all this.

Needless to say Hulk learned nothing about how recorded phone calls work, so a few weeks ago he called Chase Holfelder, the lead singer of the band The Mile After. As you can hear, Hulk waits for the beep, then threatens to have Hells Angels break Holfelders legs.

To his credit, Hogan didn’t leave his name and address, but any chance of anonymity went to hell when he explained what type of Mania was bein’ messed with (Hulk-A), and then calling him “brother”.  Hogan should be a spy or something.  He’s a chameleon, the man of 1000 Faces.