Afternoon Headlines

By brendon May 28, 2009 @ 2:46 PM

EXCLUSIVE: Halle Berry Shopping In Sunset Plaza

TYRESE GIBSON – sang the National Anthem at the Lakers game last night and decided it would be a good idea to replace “our flag was still there” with “our Lakers were still there.”  And so he did, and it was.  His new version is interesting because it doesn’t make the slightest bit of God damn sense.  “The Lakers were still there”?  Where, floating above Fort McHenry?  Because that’s what you just said dipshit.  Hopefully someone else can change the words “Tyrese is not bleeding” to “Holy Shit I think that dude is dead.” (source = e!)

COURTNEY LOVE
– she denies that she owes AmEx $352,059.67, because she claims those charges we’re made on 140 different cards issued in her name.  Does shit like this happen to anyone but her and Homer Simpson? (source = tmz)

HALLE BERRY – I would kill at least 10 people if she would let me feel her tits for 30 seconds.  At least 10.  Probably more.  Probably way way more.  And I don’t just mean homeless people, I mean little kids who just got a 2400 on the SAT.  Just look at her.  Fuck those kids. (source = flynet)

Tori Spelling killed her dad

By brendon May 28, 2009 @ 11:55 AM

torihotness81

Not really of course, but she did according to her mom Candy, who said on a radio interview this morning that Aaron Spelling “didn’t want to live” after Tori stopped speaking to her family.  “And that’s what killed him.”  You can hear it here (from 3:45 to 4:31) but what she said exactly was…

“My daughter decided one day that she wasn’t speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that’s how it’s continued for the last 4 or 5 years … and it was sad because that’s what killed my husband actually, he just didn’t wanna live after that, he had done everything he could possibly do for his daughter and then she wanted no part of him once he couldn’t do anything for her.”

Candy seems delightful.  When Aaron Spelling died he was worth half-a-billion dollars.  Candy was the estate executor, so she split the assets equally between herself, Tori and Tori’s brother Randy.  Wait, no, did I say “equally”?  I meant to say, “Candy kept 498.4 million, Randy and Tori got 1.6 million to share.   To split.  “This is for you two to share,” she probably repeated, just to make sure it was clear about how badly she was fucking them.  But other than that, and this time when she said on the radio that she killed her dad, I bet she’s a dynamite lady.  What is Tori’s deal, why is she tearing this family apart?

Ri to face Chris Brown in court

By brendon May 28, 2009 @ 10:07 AM

rihanna kanye 230509

In an unexpected move, Rihanna has been ordered to appear at Chris Brown’s preliminary hearing on June 22nd.  If asked to give testimony concerning the night Brown beat her, it will be the first time she has publicly spoken of the incident since it occurred on February 8th.  Oh but the good news for Brown doesn’t stop there.

Judge Patricia Schnegg denied a request to allow Brown’s attorney accesss to confidential LAPD personnel records so that he can find out who leaked a photograph of a battered and bruised Rihanna to the media.

In denying the motion, Schnegg said everyone agrees that the leak of the now infamous photo was not a good thing, but that … “does not impact the validity of the police investigation and the arrest of your client.”

At one point Brown wanted the charges thrown out because of that photo, so this should put an end to that.  And if photos are okay I think the prosecutor should make one of those big charts with Chris Browns picture at the top, then a bunch of lines going from his picture to like two dozen pictures of hot girls with red X’s over their face.  Have it behind you the entire trial, and then during closing arguments explain that Brown also dated these women, but then move on to something else because he probably didn’t do anything to the other girls but the red X’s will make the jury think he killed them. I don’t know if that kind of thing is legal but I think it would be a neat lawyer-y trick.

What sexy auctions

By brendon May 28, 2009 @ 8:46 AM

SPL103319_002

There are two sexy new auctions this week, one to sell three paintings of Madonna and another for a naked picture of French First Lady Carla Bruni (uhq of that here).  A former model, the picture of Bruni was taken in 1994, at the height of her career when she was 26, and is expected to at least match the $900,000 a similar picture sold for last year.

The paintings of Madonna, one with ex-husband Guy Ritchie, take a few liberties with their subject, but it’s still clear what they are because as you can see here, the artists expression says, “Oh Jesus God I Just Saw Madonna Naked” all by itself.

(image source = pacific coast and splash.  full size picture jump = here)

Portrait of a Lady

By brendon May 28, 2009 @ 7:54 AM

britneyforgot

Britney has come a long way since she bottomed out almost two years ago, when she shaved her head and did stuff like in the banner picture, but that doesn’t mean she’s not still a hot mess.  Page Six says…

The pop tart took time off from her “Circus” tour to do an Elle magazine shoot, our spy says, and it was a disaster. “They dressed her in all these beautiful couture clothes — and, well, let’s just say she forgot what time of the month it was. It wasn’t pretty.”

I actually find this reassuring.  It would freak me out if Britney changed too much.  It would be like we woke up in some alternate reality. Britney would be real classy, running backs would all be Mexican and Hitler would be on the dollar bill.

(let’s relive the magical night from the banner in terrifying high-res: very very very NSFW pics here, here, here, here, and here)

Seriously. What the hell?

By brendon May 28, 2009 @ 5:58 AM

01mx0200314

I’m too lazy/indifferent to look it up, but … seriously.  What the fuck.  What’s the deal with the Kardashian sisters?  Do they all have the same dad?  There’s no way they all have the same dad.  Why is that one so big?  It’s like their mom got raped by Chewbacca.  There’s no way this is normal.  She might have gigantism.  Or that thing Lincoln had.  Marfans?  Either way they need to get her to a hospital to have this looked at before she goes crazy, climbs a building and swats down planes.  Our human military will be powerless to stop her, our earth weapons only make her angry.

Afternoon Headlines

By brendon May 27, 2009 @ 1:56 PM

haylienose2

MICHAEL LOHAN – Lindsays dad was apparently arrested on April 6th for threatening to kill his fiancée and himself when she tried to break up with him.  I wonder if that worked.  I normally just beg and cry and lay down in front of her tires. (source = ny post)

AMERICAN IDOL – AT&T employees attended two “American Idol” parties in Kris Allens home state, and they brought demo phones and showed how to send up to 10 text messages at once.  AT&T is the only network that can be used to vote on Idol with a text.  Idol says this did not effect who won, but some are saying this was a plot to keep the gay guy from winning.  And it worked.  It was risky, but sending store reps to parties in Arkansas was the only possible way for producers to fix the show.  (source = people)

HAYLIE DUFF – before you could be polite to Haylie Duff and say, “she’d be pretty like her sister if she just got a nose job.” Now she’s ugly and you can’t blame it on anything. So thanks Haylie, thanks for making everything real awkward. (image source = pacific coast)

I’m not sure I beelee dat

By brendon May 27, 2009 @ 12:23 PM

Despite Bow Wows assurances, I’m not so sure I agree with Chris Brown when he says he’s not a monster. He put out this video last night to promote his new record, one of the first times he’s spoken publicly since that night he punched Rihanna in the face for 20 minutes, and it really cleared up a lot of loose ends. Brown says…

“I’m about to drop a single this summer for ya’ll, so, we ain’t goin’ nowhere. Everybody’s that’s haters, they just been haters. All my real fans I love ya’ll. I ain’t a monster.”

Wow that was really touching. I wish I was a girl so I could date Chris Brown.