Eva Longoria is getting a divorce

By brendon November 16, 2010 @ 5:14 PM

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Hey, remember that post 5 minutes ago? This one. The answer is “yes”.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are getting divorced … TMZ has learned.
Parker filed for divorce yesterday in Texas.
The “Desperate Housewives” actress and the San Antonio Spurs star married back in July of 2007.
Eva has stated that she has Tony’s initials tattooed on her body … in a mystery spot. She also has Tony’s jersey number — “Nine” — tattooed on the back of her neck.

Oh jesus christ. Look TMZ, if you dont have anything else relevant to the story, just stop typing, ok. Also, for the love of God would you please learn how to use an ellipses. Not everything deserves a … dramatic pause. The way you do that is really … god damn annoying. I can barely even read and even I know you’re fuckin that up.

CONFLICTING UPDATEor maybe she isn’t. “Longoria’s rep told E! News that (TMZ’s) report “is 100% false, Tony did NOT file for divorce from Eva.”

is Eva Longoria almost single?

By brendon November 16, 2010 @ 3:47 PM

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E! says that Eva Longoria, who was once inseparable from her husband Tony Parker Longoria, is now very very separable. Is it because she wants me to stick it to her? Yes, probably.

Something is going on in Eva Longoria Parker’s world—and it doesn’t sound good.
Her camp is on lockdown and not talking. But here’s what we know:
Not only did Parker host the MTV EMA awards in Europe on Nov. 7, but four nights later she was in Vegas hosting last Thursday’s big Rock for the Cure benefit for the Nevada Cancer Institute.
And this coming Saturday, she was supposed to be one of the many celebs to appear at the taping of Anderson Cooper’s CNN Heroes of 2010 television special but she canceled over the weekend.
Could it have to do with husband Tony Parker and whispers that there’s trouble between them?

I didn’t really follow that to be honest with you. I’m not sure why hosting a few events mean there’s trouble in her marriage, but maybe this is the sort of thing where Malkin can’t say everything he knows. And I don’t really care to be honest with you. This bitch is gorgeous. If she’s single, I don’t care how it happened. That’s why I replaced Tonys vitamins with deadly poison!

Jessica Simpson had to buy her own engagement ring

By brendon November 16, 2010 @ 2:21 PM

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Jessica Simpsons new fiance played in the NFL for 6 years, and even had a pretty good season in 2004, but he hasn’t had a team for 2 years now and never had a big contract. In other words he’s almost certainly broke, so before he proposed to Jessica, she had to go buy herself a ring and then pretend to be surprised. Popeater says…

The sight of Jessica Simpson’s $100,000 ruby-and-diamond Neil Lane engagement ring alone is enough to make you gasp, but the fact that she may have purchased it herself is enough to bring you to tears.
“No way could Eric, who doesn’t have a job at the moment, afford to purchase such an expensive ring,” a friend of Jessica’s tells me. “Yes, he made a little bit of money in the NFL and is from a wealthy family, but unless his parents helped him out, Jessica must have paid for it herself.”

What kind of woman would go buy her own wedding ring? A desperate one.

“First, we find out that Jessica doesn’t want to have a prenup, and now we find out that she might have paid for her own ring. It just doesn’t feel right to me,” a family friend tells me. “We all want Jessica to be happy and finally find true love after all she has been through, but she doesn’t understand that in the long run if she pays for everything it will hurt her relationship with any man.”

Gee what a surprise that Jessica picked out diamonds with a ruby in the middle. A ring with a red center? Fatty probably thought it was a jelly doughnut.

who is the windows phone girl in lingerie who says “really”?

By brendon November 16, 2010 @ 1:17 PM

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So last night, in between Michael Vick fisting the Redskins, that Windows phone commercial came on, the one that has people saying “really?” and plays In The Hall Of The Mountain King, but much more importantly has that amazing piece of ass in lingerie trying to get the attention of her husband, who I assume is gayly texting his homosexual lover.

And since her breasts kinda bounce when she throws the pillow at the guy looking up the record for the most cocks ever crammed in to one mouth, and everyone goes insane with desire when they see her, this was a huge topic on my twitter. But who is she? Where did this siren come from, and are there pictures of her naked?

Read more >

is Ke$ha still repulsive? Let’s find out!

By brendon November 16, 2010 @ 11:55 AM

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You know she is, brother!

She’s still down in Australia, and yesterday went swimming at Bondi Beach. Thankfully she didn’t wear a bikini again. I’d rather see the clouds part and angels announce the End of Days than her giant square ass in a thong.

(source = pacific coast)

Jessica Simpson is not getting a pre-nup

By brendon November 15, 2010 @ 6:42 PM

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I think we all know that Jessica Simpsons marriage to Eric Johnson is gonna last about as long as the first piece of wedding cake they give her, so it would be dumb to not get a prenup and put her 100 million dollar fortune at risk. And since Jessica Simpson is dumb, that’s what she’s gonna do. Popeater says…

“Nick (Lachey) walked away with over $10 million of her money when they divorced, because they had no prenup. You would think she would have learned her lesson,” an insider tells me. “But where romance is concerned, Jess follows her heart not her head.”

Her dad, however, is not so sentimental.

“At the moment, Joe is sitting back and being a great father, supporting his daughter and his future son-in-law,” a family friend tells me. “However, you can bet after all the excitement has died down, Joe is going to do everything in his power to make sure Jessica doesn’t walk down the aisle until Eric signs away any right he might have to Jessica’s enormous fortune.”

I remember this dude from when he was playing for the Saints. If Joe wants to stop the marriage he should paint a goal line right in front of the alter. From what I could tell Eric thinks the world past that point is filled with monsters and he won’t go anywhere fucking near it.

Scarlett Johansson is the, ahem, “GQ Babe of the Year”

By brendon November 15, 2010 @ 5:15 PM

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Scarlett Johansson has been named the 2010 GQ Babe of the Year, and what better way to show what a hot – oh dear god – “babe” she is than by having her pose in a one piece swimsuit with a rope belt in front of a gray background. Jesus Christ, does GQ know what year it is. Is this issue for all the Doughboys as they head off to Europe to fight the Kaiser? TAKE HER GOD DAMN CLOTHES OFF!

BREAKING NEWS: SNL did something entertaining

By brendon November 15, 2010 @ 4:08 PM

The Unstoppable parody on SNL this weekend would have been good for the way Scarlett Johansson says “Chrysler Build Ing” if nothing else, but it became the kind of thing you’ll watch 20 times when it added Jay Pharoahs unbelievable Denzel Washington impression. This is easily the most I’ve ever re-wound video of a black guy on late night TV that wasn’t shot on a security camera. Racism, LOL!

(source = filmdrunk)