They should put stuff lower

By brendon June 02, 2009 @ 6:54 AM

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Leona Lewis left LAX a few hours ago, on her way back home to London after a stop in LA to work on her, uh … career.  In the field of. As a … art.  Tist.  And as we all know, she’s one of the best!  It’s why she really is a huge deal in the UK.  More to the point – tits!  My God those things are terrific.  Might be one of the reasons she’s such a popular … s-sing, singer?

(image source = splash. full size jump = here)

Adam Lambert might be gay

By brendon June 02, 2009 @ 6:29 AM

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You may find this hard to believe, but there’s been tons of debate over Adam Lamberts sexuality.   Oh I know, right?  What could it be?!?!  People seem to think he’s obligated to make some big public proclamation but quite frankly those people can go fuck themselves.   If the dude doesn’t want to make a big deal of his sexuality, good.  

I don’t think anyone cares if someone is gay anymore, but how he lives his life isn’t up to me.  He should be more worried about why his lover looks so unhappy in the banner picture.  My girlfriends only make that face when I try to kiss them.

(image source = fame.  full size jump = here)

Eminem was in on it

By brendon June 02, 2009 @ 5:55 AM

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Scott Aukerman was the head writer at Sunday nights MTV Movie Awards, and while not thinking up uncomfortably awful jokes, he wrote on his blog that Eminem was fully in on the joke with Bruno, and it went down exactly as planned. The Sun UK says…

But Scott insists Eminem was in on the prank – and agreed to have Bruno’s naked rear just inches from his face.
He wrote on his blog: “Yes, the Bruno/Eminem incident was staged.
“That’s all anyone wants to talk about, so let’s get it out of the way.
“They rehearsed it at dress and yes, it went as far as it did on the live show then.”

If you’d like to know why the MTV show was so devoid of any happiness whatsoever and get a quick look at the sad state of Hollywood comedy writing, check out Scotts tumblr and twitter.  Here’s a Twitter he wrote about snowmen:

A lot of 3′s in snowmen, huh? 3 snowballs to make it. 3 charcoals for its buttons. And THREE DEGREES WHEN YOU MAKE IT!?!?!?

I shit you not.   This guy has been nominated for an Emmy.  As a comedy writer.   There is so much wrong with this joke, I can’t even…

I gotta go … lie down.  I don’t feel so good.

Okay I’m back.  I can’t think about the snowman joke without getting deeply and profoundly depressed, but I will point out that it’s composed of 4 observations, and every single one of them is wrong.  The premise is wrong, the examples are only true if you’re drawing a snowman for some Christian Family Activity pamphlet, and is his punch-line that it’s cold out during winter?   Aha!   Now I get it Oh wait.  I bet he’s got some real zingers about sand castles too.  Let me guess, 100 trips to get the sand…

Oh but there’s more.   Some jokes that didn’t make it on to MTV.

- Taylor Lautner gained 30 pounds of muscle to be in the Twlght sequel. It’s paying off -I hear “New Moon” is like a vampire movie on steroids
- “She has the last name of a carnival ride, and he has the last name of a tree. Please welcome Anna Faris Wheel and Chris Pine Tree.”
That joke was killed because we were contractually obligated to mention “Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs” – which fucked up its rhythm.

The Sun must have edited his statements about Eminem and Bruno, because if this doofus didn’t begin things by saying, “I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you”, I will eat my hat.

Bruno vs Eminem, part 4

By brendon June 01, 2009 @ 1:27 PM

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Still no definitive answer as to whether Eminem knew Sacha Barron Cohen was going to 69 him on TV last night, but E! now has what is probably the most likely scenario…

(Eminem) was aware that Brüno would be falling on him—but not while wearing a butt-baring thong. And though Eminem stormed out of the Gibson Amphitheatre, the hip-hop star didn’t leave; he hung out in his trailer until the show was nearly done.

Life and Style says much of the same but adds that so did Paris Hilton, because that’s who Bruno asked first.

…producer Mark Burnett cleared the prank with the rapper beforehand. However, Eminem wasn’t aware of exactly how naked Sacha would be when he agreed to do it!
A second insider also confirms that Eminem was actually Burnett’s second choice. The first? Heiress Paris Hilton, who, luckily for her, declined to participate.

Oh, ooh, yeah.  Wouldn’t want to offend her delicate sensibilities.  As if that do-nothing whore hasn’t had random balls dropped on her chin a thousand times already.  Probably wouldn’t even be the first time a guy with a camera in an angel costume had done it.  Doing the same thing on TV seems to be the next logical step.

Thank God for Leighton Meester

By brendon June 01, 2009 @ 12:18 PM

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Thank God for Leighton Meester, the one and only girl at MTV last night that even tried to look sexy. Her dress would have been way hotter if it was just cut away instead of sheer, but she looked terrific anyway, and it was more than enough to win First Prize.  I don’t know why she looked fug last month at the beach (here) but she obviously took care of business, and now I never want to speak of that incident again.  This approach worked with my girlfriends positive pregnancy test, I see no reason why it can’t here.

(image source = getty. jump to full size = here)

It was staged! Or maybe not!

By brendon June 01, 2009 @ 11:11 AM

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The LA Times makes some alarmingly stupid points to “prove” that Eminem was in on the joke last night when Bruno dropped into his lap at the MTV Movie Awards.  Namely…

1.  “It can’t be a coincidence that the two forces met and cameras were poised to catch it perfectly on TV.” No it’s not a coincidence.   It’s a TV show.   That’s how they work.  They point cameras at events as they happen to “catch” them.
2.  “Furthermore, it seemed like Eminem was wearing a live microphone…” Well Brunos would have been about 12 inches away.  That should be close enough.  You don’t have to swallow the things.
3.  “And can it be another coincidence that a camera just so happened to be positioned in the aisle to catch sight of Eminem stomping out?” Are we starting over?  Go read Point 1 again.

But they clearly feel it was staged, and Drudge links to a Daily Mail story with a link titled “STAGED”.   The Daily Mail doesn’t actually go that far, but it’s possible the story has changed since the link went up.  Radar Online seems to be the only one with any new news at all:

We don’t know if Eminem was in on the joke, but Sasha Baron Cohen and a group of pals were laughing and drinking after the MTV Movie Awards Sunday.
The caper, however, was not well-received by all … partying at a West Hollywood celebrity hive, the Chateau Marmont hotel, the Borat funnyman boozed it up with pals, according to an on-scene source. As a girl walked by Cohen, she loudly told him, “You’re disgusting,” before walking away.

So at least Sacha is still alive, or was last night for a few hours.  The reason I’m so alarmingly slow today is because I’ve been calling all my friends to figure out the truth here.  Unfortunately I don’t have a really huge circle of friends.   There’s that pretty black girl at Starbucks who calls me “baby” when I order, but I don’t think she knows anyone in Hollywood.  And then there’s my friend Essence.   “Friend”.  “Girlfriend”, practically.   I know those girls act like they like you because you’re buying dances, but I don’t think this is that.  I really get the feeling this is different.  When I brought her flowers she even kissed me on the cheek.

Seriously. What the hell?

By brendon June 01, 2009 @ 10:14 AM

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It’s hard to even make sense of how boring and pointless the MTV Movie Awards have become. It used to be a good show. It was funny, clever, it looked cool and hot girls showed up dressed real slutty. Now … Ashley Tisdale? The Transexual in a seven-minute gum commercial? This must be what it felt like for boxing fans when Muhammad Ali tried to wrestle in the late 70’s. It’s just sad.

Eminem looks happy – update

By brendon June 01, 2009 @ 1:12 AM

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Unless he magically learned how to act overnight, it would seem Eminem was not in on this joke. But it shouldn’t be a problem. If there’s one thing I know about the rap community, it’s that they love a good joke. They love to laugh, those guys. Especially if the joke is at their expense, in front of lots of lots of people. It’s cool. “Live and let live” is a saying you hear a lot in the rap world.

UPDATE – The new pictures don’t prove much, except that this chick with the big jugs should be my backup girlfriend.  Unless she’s there with that black guy.  I assume most minorities could beat me up, so I try to avoid confrontation if possible.  I’m sensible.

(image source = getty. full size jump = here)