All the dumb websites and magazines and TV shows do lists at the end of the year, counting down and ranking everything you can imagine, and they’re all subjective and poorly thought out and painful to read. But nothing else is going on this time of year, and so here we go.
100. JASMINE FIORE WAS MURDERED – by her husband, who was a contestant on the VH1 show ‘Megan Wants a Millionaire’. He pulled out her teeth, cut off her fingers and threw her body in a dumpster. So at least he wasn’t a litterbug. (August 15th)
99. MICHAEL JACKSON DIED – This one should probably be higher on the list but fuck that dude. He was a pedophile and his music sucked. Good riddance weirdo. (June 25th)
98. SUSAN BOYLE IS AN OVERNIGHT STAR – Does it bother anyone that she can’t really sing? After the first 5 lines on her famous ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ appearance her voice completely went to hell. What do you, got asthma or somethin? (April 11th)
97. LINDSAY LOHAN SUCKS – The reviews for the debut of her fashion line could have been worse, but only if they included a bunch of racist name calling for some reason. (October 4th)
96. BRITNEY SPEARS IS STACKED – Britney wore a see-thru t-shirt while in Australia for her ‘Circus’ tour. It maybe wasn’t as newsworthy as Michael Jackson dying, but what can I say, I just really love looking at girls’ tits. (November 5th)
That was rhetorical by the way because, according to this picture on her twitter, yes, Katy Perry and Russell Brand are still very much together. And today they’re in India at the Taj Mahal. In the caption she says he built that for her, but she’s a god damn liar. That bitch has a lot of nerve.
Taylor Swift and ‘Twilight’ star Taylor Lautner have broken up after quietly dating for the past 3 months. Prepare to get a toothache from all the adorable sweetness. Us magazine says…
The pair first sparked rumors of a romance when she hugged him at her October 9 concert.
They have since been spotted on several wholesome dates, like their frozen yogurt date at Menchie’s alongside Swift’s mom earlier this month.
“He liked her more than she liked him,” the source tells Us. “He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn’t travel much to see him.”
What the hell was that? Hugs and frozen yogurt? These two have a lot to learn about being big Hollywood stars. If I were him I’d have hit her with my car, and I’d buy a new tophat every day, then just throw it away. Look at me everyone, I’m rich, new tophats are nothing to me!
Tiger Woods hasn’t been seen in public for almost a month, essentially in hiding since the National Enquirer broke the story on Thanksgiving day that he was cheating on his wife with Rachel Uchitel. The good news is he’s been spending that time working on his relationship and making amends for his past transgressions. The bad news is he’s doing it with the whore, not his wife. The Sun says…
Tiger Woods has been seen partying with his alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel.
Woods, 33, and Uchitel, 34, were spotted holding hands at a party in Palm Beach, Florida, on Sunday night … (they also) partied together the previous night at a club.
Some sources told Entertainment Tonight they are living together in the Florida resort.
It’s been reported that a divorce could cost Tiger somewhere around 300 million dollars, so this Rachel chick better be a lunatic in bed. And I don’t just mean ATM and swallowing and three-ways with teen runaways they picked up at the strip club and who let you film it, I mean her vagina better be lined with studded velvet and vibrate when you’re inside it, and then when she comes gold coins fall out of her.
The jersey threw me off but apparently that’s not LeBron James yesterday on the beach in Miami, but it is Playmate of the Year/professional prostitute Victoria Silvstedt.
It’s always nice to see girls with big tits in bikinis, but all things considered her outfit is a little conservative. When I go to Miami I sex that shit up. I don’t do an hour a day on the stairs just to hide this magic under a speedo. I usually just drop my business in a sock and twist-tie the base, but since it’s Christmas time I might just wrap some festive ribbon around my balls.
Lindsay Lohans’ dad Michael was arrested on December 14th for violating a restraining order put on him by his ex girlfriend Erin Muller, and yesterday Muller stepped things up by filing papers with a New York court claiming Lohan beat her at least a dozen times during their 2-year relationship. Some of the highlights…
Dec. 9, 2007: Michael Lohan “slapped Erin in the face twice because Erin accused him of giving her a fake watch on her birthday. Feb. 2008: Michael “punched Erin in the mouth” because she had a male friend on Facebook March 2008: Michael “whipped a computer cord” at her face but she blocked it with her hand … causing a laceration. May 5, 2008: Michael “kicked Erin Muller in the ribs.” May 2008: Michael “kicked Erin Muller in the vagina, bruising it and causing substantial pain.” June 2008: Michael “spit in Erin’s face, and beat her repeatedly with his fist.” Then he “yelled at her to ‘stop crying c*nt — other people will see you — if they see you, I will kill you!’”
I like when stories like this are made public because I’m a crappy boyfriend but at least I’ve never kicked my girlfriend in her vagina, bruising it and causing substantial pain. In fact I’ve had several girlfriends comment that their vagina was never even sore, and in some cases showroom new, even after we’d dated for several months.
The 911 call placed by Charlie Sheens wife Brooke Mueller on Christmas day after he choked her and threatened her with a knife has been released, and it’s a delightful peek into the life of a Hollywood playboy who has been above the law his entire life. Some of the highlights…
911: Tell me exactly what happened. BROOKE: My husband had me, with a knife and I’m scared for my life and he threatened me.
911: Which room is he in, when the officers enter the house which room will he be in? BROOKE: In the bathroom. 911: And which room are you in? BROOKE: In the kitchen. I thought I was gonna die, (unintelligible, perhaps “someone help me”.) 911: What’s your name? BROOKE: Brooke. 911: And whats your husbands name? BROOKE: It’s Charlie Sheen.
Soon after that Brooke says he’s trying to sneak out of the house but the officers arrived just a few seconds later and his brilliant escape plan was foiled. The reason she sounds drunk is because she was drunk, reportedly registering a .13 BAL. That might also explain her unthinkably bad self-defense skills. If someone is chasing you around the house with a small knife, don’t go wait for them in the room where the bigger, stabbier knives are kept. “Okay ma’am, where are you know?” “I’m in the kitchen with my back to the hallway, tying my shoelaces together and yelling that he’s a fag who isn’t man enough to stop me.”
Dimwitted pervert Brett Ratner is on St Barths today with some unknown daredevil who presumably lets him fumble around on top of her, and for her sake I hope she isn’t using any cocoa butter stuff on that tight young body of hers. You don’t want butter flavored skin when you’re trapped on a boat with one of natures purest sources of fat and stomachs.