these two guys are safe. for now.

By brendon March 30, 2009 @ 11:32 AM

A friend sent over the wildly insulting letter being given to the crew of “the Baster”, the Jennifer Aniston comedy that starts filming today in NYC.   The letter reminds everyone that the media will go to any lengths to get pictures of Jennifer Aniston standing outside in a coat.  Pictures like that would be the biggest scoop of the year.  I hope no one get’s killed.  The letter ends with this (confusing words like “talking”, thankfully explained):

Since we will be dealing with the paparazzi on this film, we would like to present some guidelines of what we can and can not do:
1. No Touching the paparazzi.  This includes pushing, pulling, or punching.
2. No Talking to the paparazzi.  This includes any words that come out of your mouth and are directed toward a member of the paparazzi.  
3. No Acknowledging the paparazzi.  This includes making gestures and exchanging glances.  

Then it says anyone who breaks the rules will be fired immediately.  Tough, but they know what they're doing. You don’t get to make Hollywood movies unless you know how people think.  For example, they felt the turkey-baster insemination joke was so strong they built an entire movie around it.  The joke is 30 years old now, meaning 30 times as funny.  If she dresses up as a man to spy on her boyfriend, or works on a candy assembly line that moves very fast, I may have to see it three or four times just to hear these timely jokes over all the laughter.

(image source of her on the set today = pacific coast)

britney is in good legal hands

By brendon March 30, 2009 @ 11:07 AM

I bet if you’re a law firm, a good way to impress potential clients is to leak their confidential voicemails to the internet. Like this one by Britney about her dad threatening to take her kids, which is now in the hands of JFXOnline.

 “Hi my name’s Britney Spears. I called you earlier. I’m calling again because I just wanted to make sure that during the process of eliminating the conservatorship that my father has threatened me several times, you know, he’ll take my children away.
I just want to be guaranteed that everything will be fine with the process of you guys taking care of everything–that things will stay the same as far as my custodial time. That’s it, bye.”

Aww.  She sounds so sad.  And she’s sexy again so now I actually care.  You hear that and get a bad feeling.  It’s like seeing a baby kangaroo in a minefield.  Something cute is in danger, and someone needs to save her.  It's like Donkey King, but this time … the game is for real!

gisele will steal your baby

By brendon March 30, 2009 @ 8:29 AM

If you don’t remember, New England Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady dated actress Bridgett Moynahan from 2004 to 2006, and got her pregnant just before they broke up.  Then he dated and eventually married supermodel Gisele Bundchen.  But Gisele makes it clear in this months Vanity Fair that she respects Bridget’s role as the mother of Toms child, so much so that she and Bridget live in the same town but have never met and Gisele says he’s, “my child, 100 percent.” 

 “I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that, but to me it’s not like because somebody else delivered him, that’s not my child. I feel it is, 100 percent,” Gisele says. “I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that’s important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine. I already feel like he’s my son, from the first day.”

This is what happens when girls are too hot.  They go their entire lives without anyone telling them to shut the hell up and so they never realize that they’re dumb.  But she would have been put in her place if she wore these shorts out this weekend, because I had mine on too, except mine lace up in the front as well, and several very satisfied ladies agreed that I owned that shit.

reese is pregnant and/or tubby

By brendon March 30, 2009 @ 5:18 AM

Reese Witherspoon was shopping in Santa Monica yesterday and new reports say that “rumors of a baby are starting to swirl.”  And here’s all the proof you need, a close-up of her guilt-proving un-six packed stomach.  Here’s proof that TRex’s could fly and the Dinosaur King had a sword of flames (a gift from a wizard, perhaps?) and here’s proof that fox’s will sneak up on you and say “Boo!”

(image source = flynet)

kelly brook won the bikini contest

By brendon March 30, 2009 @ 5:15 AM

Kelly Brook spent the weekend n Barbados, where she pranced off the beach and into my heart, reclaiming her title as the hottest girl on earth.  But she’s not a very good swimmer.  She’s clearly drowning in some of these pictures.  Luckily I'm very brave, so I would dash into the water behind her and wrap my arm around her neck until she “calms down”, then lay her on the beach and cut her top off like they do on TV and press up and down on her chest.  I'm the hero!

katherine heigl was just kidding

By brendon March 28, 2009 @ 1:24 PM

Katherine Heigl has been a menace on the set of “Greys Anatomy” for about a year because she wants to leave the show that made her famous and become a movie star, like Clooney did with “ER”, and Bruce Willis with “Moonlighting”.  You may have noticed there’s like a 15-year gap between those two examples.  So did she apparently.  The AP says…

Katherine Heigl said Friday she's ready to stay with "Grey's Anatomy" and the decision rests with the show … she's comfortable balancing movies and TV by working on big-screen projects during the summer hiatus for "Grey's Anatomy."
"I'm more than happy to make that compromise. I don't know if I want to continue for five years working 12 months a year, but I can take at least another year or two," she said.

When asked about this, a coal miner said, “Oh Katie, please, please don’t be a hero.  Don’t try to read words out loud a few days a week for 24 straight months.  I had a vacation in 1997, actually the mine collapsed and a cart crushed my leg in three places, but those ten days were magic!”

(remember when she was hot?  feels like a billion years ago, doesn’t it?)

saturday headlines

By brendon March 28, 2009 @ 9:43 AM

BRUCE WILLIS – officially married Emma Heming yesterday in a private civil ceremony in Beverly Hills.  Their Caribbean wedding last weekend is not recognized in the US. Also not recognized in the US: Page 3 superstar Eve Wyrwal. (NSFW Eve update, source = us magazine)

MADONNA – she dumped her 22yo boyfriend yesterday just before her trip to adopt a child in Africa, probably because adoption officials questioned the morals of a single mother dating someone 28 years younger.  She hopes this will ease any fears that she’s some weirdo pervert.  Here’s a naked picture of her burying her face in a guys ass, but that's different. It was a different era then. It was the 90s, when licking guys assholes was all the rage. (source = daily mail)

JOHN MAYER – last week he broke up with Jennifer Aniston, this week he’s hosting a cruise to Mexico in tiny shorts and a see-thru tank top. It’s the first time a guy has gone gay to get rid of Aniston but rest assured not the last. (image source = pacific coast)

this looks shopped

By brendon March 27, 2009 @ 1:00 PM

Lindsay Lohans line of spray-on tan products should be a big success, because you can’t walk ten feet without hearing someone say, “I want smooth golden skin, like Lindsay Lohan.”  They took some promotional pictures for the launch, and they all must have sucked because the one they sent out makes it like she has a clubbed foot.  As you can tell their marketing approach is based on blatantly lying.  Unless it fell here from space, there’s no ooze or lotion that will take you from this to this.