shauna sand is pretty easy going

By brendon March 18, 2009 @ 12:35 PM

Some girls get all uppity if they’re the victim of a sexual assault in public while someone films it.  Not this one.  Which is surprising, because if I had the equivalent of her tits, I would fight to the grave if someone tried to rip my clothes off.  Her nipples have that creepy blue ring around them (this), as if they were ironed on, like a discount Garfields eyes.

(image source = mavrix)

afternoon headlines

By brendon March 18, 2009 @ 11:13 AM

LEANN RIMES – She’s been married for seven years to backup dancer Dean Sheremet, but new pictures show her kissing actor Eddie Cibrian. Top magazines tell me this is shocking, so I’m shocked, but not as much as I would be if I knew who any of those people were.  “This is so unlike him or her”, I might say if that were indeed the case.  (source = us magazine)

BRITNEY – a judge has made a temporary restraining order against Adnan Ghalib permanent, meaning he cannot go near her for three years.  It also means I need to look up the meaning of the word “permanent”, because I thought for sure it meant something else.  (source = ok!)

AUDRINA PATRIDGE – “the Hills” star signed a deal today for her own reality show with Mark Burnett Productions, executive producer of “Survivor” and “The Apprentice”.  The plan is to show more of her range as a performer.  The same reason I decided to start a band.  No one wanted to be in my band, so I just kinda drum with my foot and play cymbals with my knees and of course there's banjo and my clarinet is held in front of me with this metal brace thingy I made.  My understanding is that musicians get tons of pussy.  Nice.  (story = ew, images = mavrix)

if only he really was doing this

By brendon March 18, 2009 @ 9:38 AM

Star magazine says today that John Mayer is considering a tell-all book about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston, where he’ll, um, you know, tell all.  Including the time during sex when … when … wait for it … she called him “Brad”.  Star, go:

…what embarrassing info could John reveal? For one, Jen made a slip of the tongue calling John "Brad" in bed! He also knows all about her obsessive exercise regime, embarrassing TV viewing habits, devotion to astrology and numerology and has witnessed the actress throw fits!  Then there's the whole thing about their sex play…

Of course she called John “Brad”.  She's nuts.  Listen to Brad tell it and you can’t figure out if they’ve ever even met.  You and I both know the day is coming when this daffy bitch is gonna be seen dragging a Brad Pitt-sized burlap bag and pushing it into the backseat of her car, then the next day an old-timey spinning newspaper headline will scream BRAD PITT GONE MISSING, in that giant font they normally save for monster attacks.

madonna cant hold her men

By brendon March 18, 2009 @ 8:59 AM

Madonna’s new whatever, that model dude who is clearly gay but she hangs out with, is 22.  She’s 50.  Brace yourself for shocking news, because he may be looking around.  The Sun UK says…

Jesus was seen tenderly clasping lingerie model Luciana Costa as they swayed to the music in his home city of Rio.  Jesus held Luciana close and whispered in her ear — and onlookers claimed they started kissing.
(A source said): “They danced together very close lots of times. He whispered things in her ear, grabbed her hand, put his hand around her waist.  He’d had a little to drink and it seemed clear he was after something.”
Early the next day the pair were snapped as they ventured out for a Sunday stroll.

This alleged lingerie model (the lumpy big nosed mess here) is pretty damn ugly too.  And she’s 31.  This guy is a fuckin weirdo.  Madonna is all dehydrated and leathery, her vagina must feel like your penis is in a sock filled with sand.  Thank god I don’t see a turtle or coconut in these pictures.  This pervert might try to fuck it.

(image source = splash news)

ri may have dumped chris brown

By brendon March 18, 2009 @ 8:04 AM

I don’t know if you heard, but Chris Brown beat the hell out of Rihanna a few weeks ago.  More specifically, he “held her close and bit her left ear.  He stopped the vehicle and she turned off the car, removed the key from the ignition and sat on it.  Brown did not know what she did with the key and began punching her in the face and arms.”  But whatever, because now they’re back together, yaay!  Or maybe not.  The highlights from E online say…

According to a source, they have been "taking a break."  They’re not calling it a formal breakup, but have decided to put some distance between them.  Rihanna flew to New York City; Brown has remained in Los Angeles, where he is working on a new album.
"He's just putting ideas down for some songs he wrote," says a Brown source. "He needs to feel like he's moving forward."

Chris Brown is right.  He's suffered enough.  Sure he punched her in the face repeatedly, but that was, like, in February.  It’s March now, man.  March.  And since then he’s gone jet skiing and hit some clubs and tried the get the charges dropped.  You have to admit he’s done everything humanly possible to make amends and ensure this will never happen again.

morning headlines

By brendon March 18, 2009 @ 5:48 AM

Because this is the most your bipolar ass can focus on first thing in the morning.

NATASHA RICHARDSON – Natasha is now in a NYC hospital but a family friend says, “There is no chance.  It is a fact that her heart is beating but she is brain dead.”  Doctors say it is essentially already over.  At first I hoped they were talking to doctors who weren’t medical doctors, but “Dr.” as in a rapper or someone really good at bbq, but no, it was the medicine kind. (source = people)

RIHANNA – Ri is going out more and more, but never with Chris Brown, whom you may recall, “began applying pressure to (her) left and right carotid arteries causing her to be unable to breath. She began to lose consciousness”.  Anyway, over the weekend she hit up a quiet bar in Manhattan.  “She stayed from 11 p.m. till about 2 a.m. for a friend's birthday.  The room was completely blocked by her bodyguards.”  These bodyguards must be a nervous wreck.  It can’t look good on your resume if your client was almost beaten to death.  And they know who did it.  It was that guy.  Right there.  The one she’s getting into a car with all by herself.  (source = new york post)

JESSICA ALBA – Because of space constrictions, I had to edit out the sassy effeminate Korean dude from Jessica’s February Elle magazine shoot.  I apologize.  I don’t know why I still tell people that Tyler is the internets Sassy Effeminate Korean Dude headquarters.  It’s simply not true anymore.  (source = elle)

this is not going well

By brendon March 17, 2009 @ 5:30 PM

OK! magazine now says…

In a devastating turn of events, OK! has learned that Natasha Richardson has died after suffering a fatal brain injury while skiing in Canada.  A source close to the actress's family confirms to OK! exclusively that Richardson, 45, was considered brain dead, and that it was the decision of the family to take her off life support a couple of hours ago. “The family is devastated,” the source tells OK!

So far, OK! is the only one I can find saying this, so maybe they’re jumping the gun.  The giant exclamation point right above Natasha’s face seems to be in poor taste. 

PERPLEXING UPDATE – so OK quickly pulled the post down.  No idea what that means.  Here is a screencap of what they had.

NON-CLARIFYING UPDATE – so OK was the only one to ever say she died.  and then they took it down like 5 minutes later.  so either they're the ones who actually killed her and now they need to cover it up or they jumped the gun.

evening headlines

By brendon March 17, 2009 @ 4:00 PM

KATY PERRY – On Friday, because of this, I forgot for a few seconds why I think I would punch Katy Perry.  Oh, wait.  Yeah here we go: “I fart a lot.  I'm hopping around. I'm a little gassy.  I don't care.  It's my stage.”  You know what, I don’t care how big her tits are … um, okay I very much do care, but god damn is she annoying.  (source = the sun USA)

GWYNETH PALTROW – Gwyneth is opening a gym in NYC, and it's pretty much exactly what you might expect from her.  One person asked to join said, “It's ridiculous. Membership is like $4500 to join and then hundreds of dollars a month. Who can afford that right now?”  Paltrow is so far removed from reality, when the woman said 4500 was too high, Paltrow probably thought she was retarded, and showed her pictures of an apple and a duck.  “Can you say duck.  Duuuck.  Duck.  The duck says quack.”  (source – sydney morning herald)

ANNA FARIS – this chick is really really funny.  And she looks like this.  And in this months GQ, she talks about all the weed she smokes. If she got any more perfect it would turn out she can fly.  (source = GQ)