fear not, Victoria Silvstedt!

By brendon January 06, 2012 @ 3:16 PM

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I thought that banner picture of Victoria Silvstedt in St. Barts was kinda cute because it looks like a slutty version of that old Coppertone ad. This one, with the dog pulling down a little girls swimsuit, the one that gets parodied all the time. I doubt you could do an ad like that today though, or else ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ would have already done it.

(image source = splash)

Shakira knows whats up

By brendon January 06, 2012 @ 2:28 PM

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?Shakira was in Miami yesterday, laying out in a thong bikini by a pool, and she spent much of the time rubbing her own ass. Which only sounds weird if you’ve never seen how hot Shakiras ass is. Once you have it seems pretty reasonable.

(image source = bauer griffin)

Drew Barrymore is getting married

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 6:55 PM

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After dating for just about a year, Drew Barrymore got engaged to Will Kopelman, who is probably gonna kill her for her money. Because he’s an art consultant, which sounds like a phony job, and he just looks like the kind of guy who would marry someone and then kill them for their money. So don’t be surprised if Drew and her big stupid face have a little “accident” next year. It’s amazing no one thought of this sooner. She’s rich and dumb as a rock even when she’s not high, which is always. Even painting a big X on the floor and then telling her to stand on it under the safe dangling from a rope would work.

Justin Bieber had a good day

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 5:05 PM

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The last time we saw Justin Bieber at the beach, he was with Selena Gomez, who was in a bikini and draped across him. And he looked bored and played with his phone the whole time.

But today he was at the beach with some other lithe young men, on his knees in front of them, and taking them roughly from behind, and he looked happy as could be. Gosh I wonder why that could be.

(image source = fame)

Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough are on vacation

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 4:52 PM

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Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough are on vacation in Saint Barts this week, and today Julianne went to the beach. Don’t get too excited though because, as always, she was dull and average in every way. I had more fun just looking at the sand.

(image source = bauer griffin)

Jessica Simpson wants to look like Jessica Alba

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 4:17 PM

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Jessica Alba looked terrific over the holidays when she hit the beach in a bikini. Not only did she get her hot body back after having a baby, but she made it look easy. But it’s not, and it sure as hell isn’t easy enough for Jessica Simpson to do it, despite what she was thinking when she went on twitter and wrote:

“New goal: look like @jessicaalba after baby. Job well done lady!”

To which Alba somehow avoided sarcasm to reply:

“OMG! Ur so sweet! Thx hon!”

As a reminder, this was Jessica Alba on July 24th, 22 days before she gave birth.

This is Jessica Simpson on December 18th. And December 23rd. She’s at least twice the size of Alba, and she’s not due for another 3 months. The only thing Jessica Simpson resembled in those Jessica Alba pictures was the sun.

Katy Perry was too boring in bed for Russell Brand

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 2:12 PM

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Russell Brand says he used to be a sex addict and have sex 5 times a day, so if it seemed unlikely that the religious and sugary-sweet Katy Perry could satisfy him in bed, that’s because it was.

Russell Brand is notorious for his once-wild lifestyle and attempts to change his bad boy ways. But according to a report in the newest issue of Us Weekly, Brand allegedly wasn’t able to kick all of his bad habits.
“Katy was kinky enough during their first times together and he was very attracted to her,” a source claimed.

Wait, so she was more fun in bed before she got married, but then made sex routine and monotonous? Well this is the first I’ve ever heard of a girl like that. What did he want that she was too good for anyway?

“He likes dirty things. He really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair. He’s attracted to things he can’t imagine happening to him. (And) he has a closet full of sex toys.”

Ok well obviously I didn’t know about the wheelchair thing. Maybe she has a point. Because if you’re a hot girl with big tits, and you can move in the direction that your hair is pulled and open your mouth on command, the sex is gonna be fine. I should write that on my eharmony profile somewhere. I don’t have time for a bunch of games.

Leann Rimes is graceful

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 12:30 PM

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It was time for some hot, boney-chestplate action! yesterday after Leann Rimes, her stolen husband, and her muscular girlfriend who looks like Lisa Kudrow if someone had just punched Lisa Kudrow in the face for a no doubt justified reason, all went in Hawaii.

One of the first things the girls did was rub their tits together, which seems appropriate since they already look like reasonably priced strippers/escorts.

(image source = fame and bauer griffin)