usher is getting over his shock

By brendon March 16, 2009 @ 7:17 AM

Ushers wife almost died on the operating table last week (more here), and everyone handles this type of tragedy differently.  Some people sink into a deep depression, others get very pro-active in a “seize the day” type thing.  Usher did the kind where you fly to Paris and spray million dollar champagne on a strippers giant titties.  It’s unconventional, but look, he does appear to be moving forward.  The initial data seems to warrant more investigation.

(image source = fame pictures)

morning headlines

By brendon March 16, 2009 @ 7:14 AM

RIHANNA – Lawyers for Chris Brown want the charges dropped because it was all a misunderstanding when he beat the shit out of Rihanna.  “He will argue it was a misunderstanding between two young people passionately in love.”  Wow.  The balls on this guy.  (source = the Sun USA)

FATTIES – Did those fatties bring their own bench?  Because the bench they’re on doesn’t look bolted down or anything.  So I guess that’s a special one they bring from home.  Also because it hasn’t collapsed yet.  (source = College Humor)

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN – Kim's hot sister took some slutty pictures for Maxim magazine, which no one reads, and the footage of that shoot will air on “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, which no one watches.  She’s got this Hollywood thing all figured out. (source = the Sun UK)

BRITNEY – Britney Spears put on a bikini last week, and across the internet it was like those movies when a brave warrior stands over a cliff and blows into a conch shell.  Creepy perverts everywhere leapt into action to see if they could spot her vagina.  Because why wouldn’t they.  And they did it!  There it is!  A blurry line near her hip!  What a whore she is. (image source = Splash)

lindsay lindsay lindsay!

By brendon March 16, 2009 @ 7:03 AM

The other big news thing that happened with Lindsay was that the police were called to her lady friends house Saturday afternoon because they were fighting and breaking things after a night partying at Chateau Marmont and Jack Nicholson’s house.  Wait what?  Short version is:

Lohan's Friday night at the Chateau began around 8 p.m. Arriving with three other girls, she drank water and an unidentified drink in a cocktail glass while her friends had red wine. The group stayed well past 11.
Around 1:45 a.m., Lohan showed up at Jack Nicholson’s house, where she and her friends stayed until a bodyguard picked Lindsay up about 4:30 a.m.
Lohan’s bodyguard brought her to Sam Ronson’s house.  Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m.  Soon a loud disturbance was heard inside the house, including the sound of a breaking window. Police arrived shortly afterward.  They went to the door but Lindsay and Sam wouldn't open it.

Yep, people laugh at me because I don’t have any friends or a girlfriend or have ever kissed a girl or talked to a girl and because while Lindsay was out all night having wild sex with strangers, I was making popcorn balls and watching Battlestar Gallactica, but then the next day Lindsay got into a bunch of trouble, and all I got was a tummy ache.  Who’s laughing now!

(image source = splash news)

now this is more like it

By brendon March 13, 2009 @ 3:53 PM

We could go back and forth all day about who said what about Katy Perry yesterday, and still never figure out the truth, but what matters now is that she put her enormous tits in a pushup bra and a shirt that looks like it was pulled out of a sharks mouth, so now they look like this.  I haven’t given her huge rack the credit it deserves in the past, but in my defense she keeps them wrapped up all the time, so it's almost like they didn’t exist.  I can’t go around all day figuring out if fictional tits are big or not. 

(image source = flynet)

aww god dammit

By brendon March 13, 2009 @ 3:45 PM

Katie Holmes got hair extensions in Tokyo for for the Japanese premier of “Valkyre” Tuesday night, and I'm still convinced she looked fantastic even though every single picture taken of her looks terrible.  Because somehow this is it.  This is every picture I could find.  We’re still on friendly terms with Japan, right?  They’re not killing our photographers as they try to smuggle out pictures of their advanced hair extension technology, are they? 

(image source = wenn)

angelina jolie gets cooler every day

By brendon March 13, 2009 @ 2:59 PM

Angelina Jolie is filming “Salt” in NYC and Washington DC these days, so when Brad and the kids are away, and she’s stuck by herself on a Friday night, does she sit alone in her hotel room, or go down to the hotel bar, drink some vodka and hang out?  Well, very GD obviously she goes down to the bar.  Why do you think I'm doing this.  OK! says…

Last Friday night, March 6, Brad left NYC and Angie decided to have a solo night out of her hotel room, heading down to Sir Harry's bar in the Waldorf Astoria and taking a seat right at the bar.  "She was with a couple guys talking business and laughing," an insider tells OK!.  One eyewitness says Angie even relaxed with a few drinks, Belvedere vodka on the rocks.

I think we’re close enough by now that I can admit I would literally cum in my pants if I was sitting at a bar on a Friday night and Angelina Jolie walked in by herself and sat down next to me.

morning headlines

By brendon March 13, 2009 @ 1:44 PM

SCARLETT JOHANSSON – Scar has joined the cast of "Iron Man 2", joining Robert Downy, Don Cheadle and Mickey Rourke.  Scarlett will play Black Widow, a Russian with long red hair, huge breasts and pouty lips.  Iron Man wants to find this woman, as do I.  (source = imdb)

RIHANNA – 200 teenagers in Boston were surveyed about Rihanna and Chris Brown, and 46 percent said Rihanna was responsible for her assault.  More than half said the media was treating Brown unfairly.  The survey was conducted by the New York City Chamber of Commerce. (source = boston.com)

TITTIES – Either today’s Cute College Girl is three feet tall or that’s an usually high doorknob.  The "doorknob" is that shiny metal thing just past her bikini-clad tits.  (source = college humor)

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT – Jamie Kennedy told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show today that’s he’s dating his "Ghost Whisperer" co-star Jennifer Love Chew-It.  I hope this didn't blind you with all its star power.  (source = us.com)

FERGIE – Fergie dyed her hair brown for some inexplicable reason.  Then she went to the March of Dimes ball in NYC.  Then she baked some children in an oven and cackled manically.  (image source = getty)

prepare to fall in love

By brendon March 13, 2009 @ 11:41 AM

Here's what you need to know about these pictures of Shauna Sand topless in a chainmail "dress" in a shoe store: this is not a photo shoot.  She was just shopping like that.  This store is open.  For people to walk into and buy shoes.  Swear to god.  And considering her nipples look the dial on a safe after all the surgeries, that couldn’t be any more jarring unless you walked in the door and they threw a snake on you.

(image source = mavrix online)