This should lighten the mood

By brendon July 01, 2009 @ 2:27 PM

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When my grandfather (my moms dad) died, during the viewing my dad and I were in the front row and for no real reason I asked him if he signed the guest book. And he said, “No. Why is there a raffle?” And that’s not the greatest joke in the world or anything but because we weren’t supposed to laugh we of course burst out laughing.

I know I’m rambling and no one cares but that banner picture of Ryan O’Neal saying goodbye to Farrah Fawcett at her funeral today is so sad I don’t even wanna think about it. Kate Jackson and Cheryl Ladd paid there respects, but other than that her service wasn’t exactly star-studded (a little somethin for the ladies).  It was however super Hollywood-y. By that I mean lots of offensively inappropriate short dresses and low cut tops. Look at this whore.  This is Emily McEnroe, so I guess Farrah was her aunt, and that dress is ridiculous. I have belts that go down further than that.

(21 more pics here. hq jump here. source = splash news online and getty)

Lindsay just got paid

By brendon July 01, 2009 @ 12:49 PM

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Apparently casinos in Vegas have mountains of money that they can’t give away fast enough, so even dullards like Lindsay Lohan can make 70 grand for a 5 hour appearance.  The New York Post says…

Lindsay Lohan’s 23rd birthday isn’t until tomorrow, but she’s already managed to profit off the day.
According to sources, the troubled starlet was paid a cool $70,000 by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas to host an all-day “pre-celebration” at the hotel’s Wet Republic pool party last Saturday.
…the event was less of a celebration and more of an urgent attempt to pull in some cash. “None of her really close friends were there” said our insider, who noted that ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson was also missing from the festivities. “The only person who was even known was Brittny Gastineau.”

I don’t think Lindsay has any friends, but, and I’m embarrassed to know this, but I think that’s Steve Aoki in the banner picture. He’s at least as famous as Brittny Gastineau. He’s a DJ. Really good. And Devon Aokis half-brother. She’s that visually disturbing Japanese girl from movies like “War” and “Sin City”. Asa Akira is Japanese too, and she’s awesome looking. You would think Asa would be the model and Devon would be the one doing hardcore porn. Oh but their dad, Rocky Aoki, founded Benihana, those restaurants where they cook the food in front of you and flip shrimp into your mouth like you’re a fuckin otter at Sea World.

I know none of this has anything to do with Lindsay but … I can’t. She’s so boring now. And so done. At this point making fun of her would be like Brad Pitt at the end of “Seven” when he empties his clip into John Doe even though he’s already clearly dead.

Michael really loved drugs

By brendon July 01, 2009 @ 11:14 AM

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Michael Jackson was so stuffed with drugs when he died last Thursday he probably would have rattled if you shook him, but as far as what actually killed him, police are now narrowing their focus to a drug called Propofol. It’s a sedative so powerful that it’s wildly illegal outside of controlled medical environments such as an emergency room or surgical suite. If it had a TV ad, instead of a middle aged couple exchanging coy glances and then turning off the stove, it would have doctors opening a safe between armed guards and removing a glowing beaker with blacksmith tongs.  TMZ says…

The drug is used to put people under anesthesia before surgery. It is an extremely powerful drug that is only available to medical personnel. As one source said, “There is no conceivable way this drug can be properly prescribed for home use.”
Sources say the drug is so inappropriate and reckless for home use, if a doctor facilitated it for Jackson and it caused his death, he or she could be prosecuted for manslaughter.

This is a drug that can only be administered with an IV, so Jackson would have had help using it, which is why the police are so interested in any doctors or nurses who had Jackson in their care. They haven’t actually found any Propofol at the scene but a nurse has said on record he asked for it, and they found other drugs often used in combination with Propofol. Also he was wearing an “I Heart Propofol” t-shirt and he had an arrow drawn on the inside of his arm and the words, “propofol goes here”.

“I’m a workaholic.”

By brendon June 30, 2009 @ 7:13 PM

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Not that it would make any more sense, but it really feels like these quotes are old. Nonetheless, various outlets are reporting today that, in a new interview with the British version of OK magazine, Lindsay Lohan says she’s the hardest working person she knows.  Oh but there’s more.  In fact, she loves working so much, she doesn’t even know what to do with her self when she’s not working.

“I am the hardest-working person I know. I’m a workaholic. I don’t know what to do when I’m not working. I get creatively frustrated.”
“I prefer to be making films. For most people – and for me, too – there’s something about going to the movies. It’s about being able to transform into different people and tell different stories.
“To be the person who’s on that screen, who can make someone feel better, or bring out more emotion in someone, makes me feel really blessed that I’m able to do that. It’s just about finding the right roles, but when the time is right, they will come.”

Okay … where am I? Is this earth? There’s no fuckin way I’m still on earth and the person I know as “Lindsay Lohan” just called herself, not just a hard worker mind you, but the hardest worker.

Afternoon headlines

By brendon June 30, 2009 @ 3:05 PM

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BRITNEY SPEARS – and her agent/boyfriend took to the pool this weekend outside her house in LA.  She’s taken her hair from blond to brown, while he went from brown to blond.  Just imagine all the fascinating conversations these geniuses had about that. (metro)

MICHAEL JACKSON – it’s believed that 12 fans have now committed or attempted suicide since Jackson died on Thursday. This man was barely saved in time:

“He was in a terrible state and kept on saying: ‘It’s all the same to me. I’m going to kill myself. It’s the worst tragedy of my life and I don’t want to live any more. I don’t know why you saved my life, I want to be with him’.”

A report from Tunisia claims a girl took her life as well but that has yet to be verified. Why would they do this? Obviously it’s because their lives are fantastic.  (the sun, e!)

LACEY SCWIMMER – I’m told that Lacey Scwimmer is on “Dancing With The Stars”, though I have no idea what that might mean. All I know for sure is that she turned 21 this weekend, and that if these were any more boring the images would have refused to stick to the film.

Simon Cowell will make 144m

By brendon June 30, 2009 @ 1:58 PM

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144 million dollars per season. 144 million. Dollars. One hundred. And forty-four. Million. Dollars.  Per season.  Which is five months long. 144 million dollars for five months.  Five months. One hundred and forty-four million dollars to judge “American Idol”. For five months.

Fuck my life.

EARLY salary figures from Simon Cowell’s ‘American Idol’ contract negotiations are leaking out and they’re eye-popping.
Cowell, who reportedly made $36 million last year for judging the hit competition show, has been offered three or four times that amount — between $100 million and $144 million per year — by co-producers Fox and 19 Entertainment to stick with ‘Idol’ when his contract expires next May.
While $36 million may seem like a lot of money for five months worth of snarky comments and eye-rolls, it’s only a fraction of the estimated $900 million that ‘Idol’ rakes in a year.”

Hopefully Paula will read this and go to the producers and say she wants 144 million a year too.  If she does do that, cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.

This is the real father

By brendon June 30, 2009 @ 11:56 AM

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TMZ says now that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of any of his kids, but Us trumps that by claiming they know who the real father is. Arnold Klein, the handsome and presumably stoned devil in the picture above, was Jackson’s dermatologist and the boss of Debbie Rowe, who was the mother of Michael’s kids. Sort of.

“Debbie Rowe is not the biological mother of the two kids she bore for Michael. All three children were conceived in vitro — outside the womb.
Debbie’s eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate.”

Rowe was married to Michael when she gave birth to his son Michael Jr. (also known as “Prince”), and his daughter, Paris Michael Jackson.  Prince (Michael Jr.) is not to be confused with Michael’s third child, Prince Michael Jackson II.   So the youngest child’s name is Prince but he can’t use it because the other Michael Jackson (the boy, not the girl or dad) is called Prince so Prince is called Blanket.  Rowe gave birth to Prince, but not to Prince.  That mothers identity is still unknown.

It’s like Michael had kids just to declare psychological warfare on them. He probably has a tape waiting for them where he tells them they’re actually robots and not even alive and right outside is a man here to turn them off so they can all be buried together.

Where did Christian Bale go?

By brendon June 30, 2009 @ 11:04 AM

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Remember Christian Bale? He was in the Batman movies, and Terminator 4?  And after that he was in talks to star opposite Johnny Depp in “Public Enemies”?  And those talks were successful and he took the part and filmed the movie and it was a really big deal? Well you’d never know that based on the ad campaign, because Bale isn’t in any of the commercials and not on the poster. E! online, is there something you’d like to say?

“Apparently when you have the option of showing Johnny Depp staring off into the middle distance and looking iconic, you don’t need a second actor staring off into the middle distance and looking iconic. Not unless that second person carries the exact same, or better, commercial draw as Johnny Depp.
Christian Bale does not. You may think Bale does. You may want Bale to. You’re wrong.
According to the scale which measures domestic and worldwide actor bankability, Depp is overshadowed only by Will Smith in his ability to get butts in seats. Brad Pitt comes in at No. 3. Bale, who may be a very talented actor, is not so bankable; he is not even in the top 10.”

One of the new commercials even says “Depp. Is. Dillinger.” in three dramatic on-screen cuts, but no mention of Bale.  Nothing.  At all. How can that be?  They still put Cameron Diaz on posters and that fug dipshit hasn’t sold a movie by herself ever.  Posters with her are only good if you need something to point at as you tell the ticket guy, “I don’t know what that one is but if you sell me a ticket for it I will punch you in the face.”