Joanna Krupa helped promote her new PETA ad yesterday, and I’m sure she has the best of intentions but I doubt celebrities really know that much about PETA because those people are fucking nuts.
The ad advocates adoption but PETA took in over 2100 dogs and cats last year and only 7 were adopted (more). PETA sucks. There’s 18 dogs on that poster, but if those lunatics had their way Joanna wouldn’t be the only one with little angel wings floating up to heaven.
I have 4 dogs, and they were all adopted, but I wouldn’t give money to PETA even if they were holding my baby over a pool of lava and demanding a 1 dollar ransom. Although that’s mostly because I hate kids, and what am I, made out of money?
The good news for Tiger Woods is that the Florida Highway Patrol is ending the investigation they never really began after Woods’ car crash. The bad news is absolutely everything else.
Us Weekly now says it has confirmed the Enquirer report that Woods had an affair with Rachel Uchitel. On top of that the Enquirer produced, “an on-the-record interview with a friend and multiple sources who passed polygraphs.” To make bad even worse, Us has released a few of the text messages allegedly sent from Woods to a woman named Jamie Grubbs.
“I will wear you out…when was the last time you got (bleeped)?” one message read.
Another one from Tiger read, “Send me something very naughty…Go to the bathroom and take (a picture).”
Now Grubbs is claiming that during her affair with Woods his wife became suspicious. According to Grubbs, Woods said, “My wife went through my phone and may be calling you.”
And here’s a text to Woods from his wife Elin Nordegren, sent about two minutes from now…
“Im’a get two hardcore pipe-hitting niggaz down here, and let them go at ya with a hammer and a blowtorch.”
Radar Online says Grubbs and Uchitel are not the only two women that Woods had affairs with, and several others are in negotiations with various media outlets. Nordegren hasn’t made any public statement yet, either personally or through an attorney. She did meet with a divorce attorney, but the lawyer couldn’t remember anything she said because while Elin was talking the lawyers eyes rolled around in his head like a slot machine and landed on dollar signs, and when he looked at Elin she turned into a big bag of money.
MORE GOOD NEWS UPDATE - now it’s being reported that Grubbs was telling castmates on her VH1 show about the affair over a year ago.
At first I got depressed when I saw these pictures of Diane Kruger and her boyfriend Josh Jackson on vacation in Mexico, because it reminded me of the pictures of George Clooney and Cindy Crawford and Colin Farrell, who are also in vacation in Mexico. But then I broke into their house and stole a bunch of stuff.
Actually that’s his wife in the picture above, but believe me when I tell you, the whore’s are comin’. It all began with Whore Zero, Rachel Uchitel, who has repeatedly denied any affair with Woods. And yet…
Rachel has offered little explanation about how she ended up in Australia at the same time and at the same hotel as Tiger just weeks ago.
A Los Angeles cocktail waitress says she had a steamy 31-month fling with Tiger Woods and has a voicemail recording and text messages to prove it.
Jaimee Grubbs, now 24, says she began having an affair with Woods, 33, in April 2007.
…they went on to have 20 sexual encounters.
Several other women are coming forward claiming they had affairs with Tiger Woods.
…we have confirmed that at least two more women are being linked to Tiger in sexual affairs and that one cheating story could appear as early as Thursday.
I think it’s safe to say he didn’t think this all the way through. He’s maybe the most famous person on earth. Of course he got caught. The Statue of Liberty could go buy some weed and have a better chance at getting away with it than he did.
A few years ago, a director named Kerry Conran spent 4 years on his Mac making a 6-minute trailer about giant robot war machines. A famous producer saw the footage, and that trailer became the movie, ‘Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow’. It lost $80 million.
A few years after that, director Michael Davis made a 17-minute reel of animated footage showing different action scenes that he wanted to turn into a movie. The ideas were stupid, but so is Hollywood so New Line gave him a bunch of money and those drawings became ‘Shoot Em Up’. It lost $52 million.
52 is less than 80, so sensing that this was moving in the right direction, Hollywood will try the same idea once again. The LA Times says…
When Federico Alvarez came to Hollywood two weeks ago, he was a total unknown.
After seeing his short film, which depicts an invasion of Montevideo by a battalion of giant robots, Mandate Pictures agreed to bankroll a $30-million upcoming film for Alvarez, with the filmmaker getting a cool $1 million director’s fee.
Alvarez also made the rounds of the talent agencies and ended up leaving town with a CAA agent team as well as a deal with Anonymous Content to represent him for commercials. Most important, Alvarez also came away with an A-list Hollywood godfather, “Spider-Man” director Sam Raimi, who will serve as a mentor and producer, through his Ghost House Pictures, on Alvarez’s first American film.
So it would seem they forgot that they already tried this once with giant robots. Which means they probably forgot they tired this with drawings too. Which is why I’ve already started on 17 minutes of drawings. It’s like ’300′. Except it’s girls. And it’s just one, and she’s naked. And not fighting. So, basically, nothing like ’300′, but once they hear ’300′ those dipshits will get so excited they’ll start handing me their wallets and car keys.
JUDE LAW AND SIENNA MILLER – are back together. Or at least they were on Thanksgiving. “They had no problem flaunting their love right in the middle of the restaurant. They definitely looked like they were head-over-heels for each other.” Of course Jude Law would stick his dick in a beehive and go down on his own reflection, so Sienna better cool her jets. (star)
RACHEL UCHITEL – says she has only met Tiger Woods briefly on two occasions and has offered to take a lie detector test to prove they’re not having an affair. If she answers all the questions honestly, it will save her reputation and earn 10 points for Gryffindor. (new york post)
JAKE GYLLENHAAL – really wants to marry Reese Witherspoon. Unfortunately for him, “There’s a huge attraction between them … but Jake can be a little overbearing at times, and Reese is really happy with life right now. So why change that?” Sounds like Reese is a little too comfortable. Jake should go out one night and pick up some whore. Of course whores are pretty much my answer to everything. (people)
JESSICA SIMPSON – made this dress beg for mercy last night as her sister Ashlee made her Broadway debut in ‘Chicago’. It sort of looks like a boa constrictor just ate a wild pig. Sexy, right? (splash)
Yesterday there were a bunch of pictures (like this one) of Colin Farrell on vacation in Mexico. I didn’t download any of them of course, because if I wanted to see some short-fused drunk mick with his shirt off I would go to my family reunions.
But then his girlfriend Alicja Bachieda-Curus stepped out of her clothes and into my heart when she laid out in the sun for a while. You can’t really tell what she looks like (this is her at Cannes) but you can tell that her body is fantastic. How come this dude get’s to nail all the hot ass? Is there some shortage of sexy Hollywood hunks that I don’t know about? According to my mirror, no, no there’s not.
NICK HOGAN – is mostly famous for driving like an reckless asshole, and Saturday night he “was involved in a minor car accident in Los Angeles.” No one was hurt and no police reports were taken, so no specifics are known, but maybe a little torture will loosen his tongue. (the ap)
ALEC BALDWIN – is retiring from Hollywood. In about three years. “I don’t have any interest in acting anymore. Movies are part of my past. It’s been 30 years. I’m not young, but I have time to do something else.” Some are saying he could have a second career in politics. His only hurdle will be that he has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about. (e! online)
JAKE GYLLENHAAL – has not broken up with Reese Witherspoon, despite the rumor this weekend that he had. I was sitting at a red light and saw Jake standing there, so I rolled down my window and asked him for a comment, but all he said was, “hey man wanna party?” Then he pushed his tongue against his cheek and made a handjob gesture. No sir I do not “wanna party”, thank you very much! (access hollywood)
EMMA WATSON – was in Jamaica this weekend, and to be honest Hermione didn’t look very happy. Hopefully me hitting on her and telling her, “she’s cast a spell on my magic wand” will cheer her up, because I was planning on doing that anyway. (splash news online)