lindsay skipped another deposition

By brendon April 21, 2010 @ 7:29 PM

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Lindsay Lohan skipped a second scheduled deposition this morning, when she was expected to officially give her side of the drunken and stoned high speed chase she led cops on down PCH in an Escalade she stole in 2007. The deposition was scheduled for 10am today, but unfortunately, Lindsay wasn’t able to get a ride until 11am.

In a completely unrelated story, Lindsay was out drinking until 2:30am this morning. But then, as she stumbled away, she covered her face with her hands as the paparazzi tried to take her picture. “Where did she go,” they probably screamed. “She was here, and then she just disappeared” added another.

jwoww is a natural entertainer

By brendon April 21, 2010 @ 5:06 PM

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Jwoww and the rest of the ‘Jersey Shore’ cast went to a laundry mat to do some laundry this week, so naturally J wore a tiny little dress that showed off her awesome rack. Huge implants are a sign of wealth and status. If this were the olden days she’d be a fancy queen or princess.

(image source = fame and inf)

heather locklear is under arrest

By brendon April 21, 2010 @ 3:34 PM

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California is, without question, the worst place on earth. Everything is illegal, everything is taxed, everything is 5000 times harder than it should be. Unless you’re a no-parking sign, because apparently those have an entire branch of government dedicated to ensuring their safety.

Heather Locklear was arrested for allegedly hitting a no-parking sign on a public street early Saturday morning near her gated-community home in Ventura County, Calif., and left without notifying anyone, police say.

Notify? Notify who? Who should she tell? A stop sign? A traffic light? “Hey Mr. Orange Cone, I think I killed your wife.”

The actress was cited for misdemeanor hit-and-run after Ventura County Sheriffs examined debris left at the scene and traced it back to her car, sheriff’s spokesman Ross Bonfiglio tells PEOPLE.
“While Locklear was technically arrested, she was not handcuffed or taken to a station because it was just a misdemeanor charge. She was cooperative, but I can’t give any information about any statements she made. She was cited and released. She signed a document stating she would make a court appearance.”

Who knows how many resources were used to bring this sign-driver-intoer to justice but it was all worth it. We’ve taken back the streets from this blood thirsty maniac!

holy crap jessica

By brendon April 21, 2010 @ 1:28 PM

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A “upfront” is an event held by networks where advertisers are invited to an extra fancy party and the stars of the network shows are there and everything is real sexy so people will buy lots of ads. Yesterday in New York, Jessica Simpson had the upfront for her VH1 show. It was the most appropriately named event ever. It’s like she has two asses, and one is on her chest.

(source = splash news online)

play blackjack with judah friedlander

By brendon April 21, 2010 @ 12:41 PM

It seems like, no matter what your hobbies are, someone has a contest tailor made just for you. For example if you like football you can enter fantasy football contests. But what if your hobbies include hanging out with Judah Friedlander, eating delicious fried chicken and playing championship level blackjack. What about you? Where’s your contest?

Well dry your eyes because your day has come my friend. The KFC Double Down contest offers all that to one lucky winner. Leave a comment below and explain why you deserve to be seated next to Judah at his Blackjack Table. Go here for the official rules.

matt and trey might be killed for showing muhammad

By brendon April 21, 2010 @ 11:52 AM

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These fuckin savages even posted where Matt and Trey live. Seriously? Is anyone gonna fight back against these animals? Tell them to go fuck themselves? Wait. Sorry. Let’s back up a little. Fox News says…

A radical Islamic website is warning the creators of “South Park” that they could face violent retribution for depicting the Prophet Muhammad in a bear suit during an episode broadcast on Comedy Central last week.
RevolutionMuslim.com posted the warning following the 200th episode of Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s “South Park,” which included a caricature of the Prophet Muhammad disguised in a bear suit. The Web posting also included a graphic photo of Theo van Gogh, a Dutch filmmaker who was murdered in 2004 after making a documentary on violence against Muslim women.
“We have to warn Matt and Trey that what they are doing is stupid and they will probably wind up like Theo Van Gogh for airing this show,” the posting reads. “This is not a threat, but a warning of the reality of what will likely happen to them.”
Reaching by phone early Tuesday, Abu Talhah al Amrikee, the author of the post, said he wrote the entry to “raise awareness.” He said the grisly photograph of van Gogh was meant to “explain the severity” of what Parker and Stone did by mocking Muhammad.
“It’s not a threat, but it really is a likely outcome,” al Amrikee said, referring to the possibility that Parker and Stone could be murdered for mocking Muhammad.

Matt and Trey are heroes, with more artistic integrity than the rest of Hollywood combined. They created a cartoon filled with juvenile jokes. They have opinions, and they express them with the help of dumb, goofy jokes. If you don’t like it, great, terrific, good for you. May you live a long and blessed life. But I don’t give a shit if South Park offends you. Matt and Trey don’t give a shit. Go watch something else and shut your mouth. I’d love to see these savages do something in this country. I dare you. I double dog dare you. I’m not scared. I’m not hiding. My name is Spencer Pratt. I live in Beverly Hills. Come get me tough guy.

sarah jessica parker looks great

By brendon April 21, 2010 @ 8:59 AM

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Sarah Jessica Parker is 45-years-old, but she looks better than ever! Of course that bar is pretty low because she’s alarmingly ugly and always has been. It would be like saying a turkey looks better than ever. Or a foot. But now people are worrying because she’s losing so much weight. To film ‘Sex and the City 2′, she went from a size 4 to a size 0, and now she’s getting even skinnier. The Daily Mail says…

The 45-year-old’s usually toned arms were replaced by sinewy arms and bulging veins as she walked her son to school.
Despite her busy lifestyle, friends of the star are claiming she has become ‘obsessed’ with dieting and gym, leading her to drop even more pounds.
The 5ft 3in star is said to have dropped from 7 1/2 stone (105 pounds) to  6 1/2 stone (91 pounds)

It may or may not be legal to kill people who they look like they already died, I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer, but if it is, I’ll just roll up in court with these pictures. And when the judge says, “why did you do it,” I’ll walk over to the jury with a picture behind my back and say, “Because your honor, Sarah Jessica Parker … was a Werewolf!”

And I’ll whip the picture out and everyone will gasp and the judge will bang his gavel demanding order. And then he’ll look at the picture and say, “Werewolf? Don’t you mean Zombie.” And I’ll say, “whatever. What am I, the monster detective? She looked like something.”

oh stfu esquire

By brendon April 20, 2010 @ 5:34 PM

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Esquire magazine has come out with their ‘Women We Love’ issue, with fatty Christina Hendricks on the cover as the ‘Sexiest Woman Alive’, and at one point they have a 75 Greatest Women Of All Time list. For Karen Allen (yes, Karen Allen), they write

Animal House! Raiders of the Lost Ark! Our nine- and twenty-two-year-old selves just fell in love all over again.

‘Raiders’ came out in 1981. So the person writing this is 51 years old. It’s no wonder this magazine is so cool and hip. This list, composed mostly of the writer naming strange women he’d like to fuck, couldn’t be any creeepier unless it was called 75 Women Whose Hair I’d Like to Stroke Before I Eat Them Because They’re All Godless Whores.