tiger is buying everyone off

By brendon December 03, 2009 @ 2:12 PM

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Tiger Woods seems determined to handle his cheating scandal by staying out of the public eye and throwing as many millions as it takes to make sure everyone else does too. Rachel Uchitel was the first of his girlfriends to be outed, and she had a press conference scheduled today in LA. That was abruptly canceled less than an hour ago. Try and guess why. Radar Online says…

Rachel Uchitel was set to go public and admit her affair with Tiger Woods until a last-minute flurry of phone calls between her rep and representatives for the golfer.
Tiger’s people are desperate to keep Rachel from talking about Tiger and that they were willing to go a long, long way to keep her silent.
One source claimed that Rachel was negotiating a $1 million payoff by Tiger’s people to remain silent.

Dr. Evil here better get online and look around before she screws up the chance of a lifetime. Tiger Woods would pay a million dollars for a large Coke. What is she, retarded? Does she even know how money works? Tiger should roll the dice and give her a piece of paper with an X on it and tell her that’s a million dollars. Based on her financial acumen on display so far that would probably work.

holy crap

By brendon December 03, 2009 @ 1:08 PM

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Once a month or so Katy Perry will remember that she’s a hot skinny girl with huge tits, and the Grammy Nominations Concert in LA last night was definitely one of those times. The blond Pam Anderson thing is kind of boring, but Asian girls, Jayme Langford, Katy. These bitches are awesome. It would be like fucking Wonder Woman. She made a bunch of stupid faces on stage of course, but with some practice I could probably throw some roofies in her mouth when she does that, or even better work out some blow gun type thing and shoot it right down her throat. Then an hour or so later I’ll be able to describe Phase 2 of my plan that very same way.

(source = wenn and getty)

cheating might cost tiger woods $300 million

By brendon December 03, 2009 @ 12:14 PM

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Yesterday I randomly speculated that Tiger Woods might lose hundreds of millions of dollars if his wife files for divorce. I didn’t really base that on anything, because research takes forever so fuck that, but this time the things I made up were true, and I didn’t look up a damn thing. Suck on that Us weekly.

…the couple has a prenuptial agreement worth $300 million, which would make this the most expensive celebrity divorce in history.

But at least Rachel Uchitel, the girl at the heart of this story, is sticking by her claim that she never had an affair with Woods. Oh wait never mind.

Rachel Uchitel has publicly denied she had sexual relations with Tiger Woods, but we’ve learned she has said she did indeed have an affair with the golfer. And, we’re told it was her — not Jaimee Grubbs — who caused an argument between Tiger and his wife, Elin Nordegren, that immediately preceded Tiger’s SUV crash.
Sources say less than an hour before Tiger’s accident, Rachel and Tiger were texting each other. Elin confronted Tiger and asked whom he was texting. She grabbed the phone and we’re told she called Rachel to confront her. Tiger and Elin began arguing and the phone broke in the process.
We’re also told there was damage as a result of the altercation in the vestibule area of Tiger’s home — damage that cannot be easily repaired, and that is why Tiger would not let police come in.

Even if Tiger is guilty of everything he’s accused of and 10 times more, THREE HUNDRED MILLION GOD DAMN DOLLARS? Jesus Christ. Elin should be well compensated for what he’s done to her, but, seriously? 300? If someone is gonna take that much money from you I really don’t think killing them would be unreasonable. Every human life is important, but only up to a certain point. Let’s not get carried away.

katie holmes just got paid

By brendon December 02, 2009 @ 8:47 PM

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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have been married just over 3 years now (Nov. 18) and despite recent rumors that their relationship is struggling, things are going great. So well in fact, Katie has even agreed to extend her marriage contract. Aww. This is really touching.

OK! can exclusively report that the Cruises have reached a deal on expanding their family: Katie plans to get pregnant sometime in the next year.
“She no longer feels like she’s just Mrs. Cruise. She’s her own person again,” a pal tells OK! of the couple’s decision. “She and Tom have their disagreements, but deep down they love each other very much. That’s what is important.”

Being rich must be awesome. Normally this kind of thing is called prostitution, but if the number is high enough they call it “loving each other very much”. The issue isn’t paying a girl to have sex with you, it’s paying her a hundred dollars to have sex with you. This is the kind of shit that happens when you let women vote.

afternoon headlines

By brendon December 02, 2009 @ 6:25 PM

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LADY GAGA – says she’s more than just eye candy. “My album covers are not sexual at all … The last thing a young woman needs is another picture of a sexy pop star writhing in sand, covered in grease, touching herself.” Actually that might be good for young girls. Being as sexy as Lady GaGa is an entirely attainable goal, like having a goal to touch your toes or “look at this.” (elle)

MATT DAMON – will not make another Jason Bourne movie without director Paul Greengrass, who walked away from the franchise this week because he and the studio can’t agree on a script. As if anyone can tell those movies apart anyway. (hollywood reporter)

KALIKA MOQUIN – is a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, but more to the point she might have been having an affair with Tiger Woods that ended in October. Even more surprising is that someone named “Kalika” is white. How the hell did that happen? (las)

RACHEL UCHITEL – is seen in these pictures at a club in the Hamptons three months ago. I’m starting to see the appeal. A good way to gauge if your implants are the right size is if you have to constantly lean backwards so you don’t tip over. Mission Accomplished! (splash)

jessica alba > lindsay lohan

By brendon December 02, 2009 @ 5:27 PM

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Todays Lindsay Lohan story that someone clearly made up has to aim high because it’s been a while since she was in the news.  So to make up for lost time, the Mirror has one that claims she was making out with Jessica Albas husband.

This morning there were rumours circulating that Lindsay spent last night chewing the cock ear off John Mayer at a New York nightclub … apparently Lindsay’s got one of her legendary scary crushes on him.
…she’s also trying to ensnare Cash Warren. Yes, Jessica Alba’s husband. One US mag says they’ve been seen kissing.

It goes without saying that no one is going to go from Jessica Alba to Lindsay Lohan. Look at that fug bitch. At this point, “Kissing Lindsay Lohan” sounds like metaphor for something you don’t want to do. “Hey dude are you taking Statistical Mechanics this semester?” “Hell no. I’d rather spend three days a week kissing Lindsay Lohan.”  And then the first guy would think to himself, “Wow, he really must hate Statistical Mechanics.  I had no idea.”

i think tigers wife was upset

By brendon December 02, 2009 @ 3:15 PM

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Early on there were reports claiming Elin Nordegren chased Tiger Woods out of the house with a golf club after confronting him about his affairs last Friday night. Today Tiger addressed that rumor as part of his public statement.

…that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

Oh but hey look at this. Less than an hour ago the Florida Highway Patrol released pictures of his Escalade, and even though he only drove a few hundred feet before crashing and no one else was in the car, the back passenger window is smashed and the interior is covered in broken glass. According to this diagram of the accident done by the Highway Patrol, that is the window that would have been closest to the house when Woods drove away. So either Tiger is lying again and Elin did this, or the neighborhood is filled with people trying to attack him.

(source = getty)

tiger woods has confessed to everything. sort of.

By brendon December 02, 2009 @ 2:06 PM

No doubt encouraged by Us magazine releasing his voicemails and Radar Online reporting that he paid for Rachel Uchitel to go with him on a trip to Australia last month, Tiger Woods has posted a statement on his website admitting his affairs, asking for privacy and apologizing for his behavior. Some highlights…

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect.
… that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.
… I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

Golf Digest says Tiger has made over $750 million during his career, so he better pray his wife sticks around. They’ve been married 5 years and have a kid. She would make hundreds of millions in a divorce settlement after all this.

If she knows what’s best she’ll swallow her pride and forget it ever happened. He’s already replaced her several times. He could spend 100 million on some elaborate plan to kill her and still come out 300 million dollars ahead. Hell for 100 million he could probably turn her into a newt or send her back to caveman days. Best of luck prosecuting that. Those things might not even be illegal.