Anne Hathaway is in Paris this week filming a romantic comedy called “One Day”. As in, “One Day, I went to the pet groomer and got a haircut and they chopped it all off and it was a terrible idea because no girl ever looks better with short hair. Some girls look ok but every girl on earth looks way better with long hair. Now, with my featureless pale skin and androgynous hair, I look like a CPR mannequin. This is gonna be a horrible movie.”
These stories never turn out the way I want them to (with a hanging, and crows), but Paris Hilton could be in real trouble after Las Vegas police found almost a gram of cocaine in her purse this weekend.
Hilton is claiming it wasn’t her purse and she didn’t know the coke was there, but as a legal analyst for CBS news points out, that’s fuking retarded.
NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER – but they can put her in a dress with big ruffles, because Jennifer Grey will be a contestant on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, along with Brandy, Florence Henderson, Audrina Patridge, and Bristol Palin. The men will be Kurt Warner, David Hasselhoff, The Situation, Michael Bolton, Kyle Massey, Rick Fox and Margaret Cho. Remember, mini dresses can set the dance floor ablaze in hot red tones or shades of pink or purple. They’ll make heads turn and add pizzazz to your performance. That tip goes for the fellas too, since I now assume you’re all gay. (la times)
JOHN CUSACK – was asked about the proposed mosque near Ground Zero, and he wrote, “I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES (OF) DICK ARMEY AND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS”. Because those people are against the mosque, and Cusack believes in free expression. Unless you disagree with him, in which case he’ll advocate murdering you. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it. (twitter)
JESSICA SIMPSON – is flaunting “her voluptuous figure” in these pictures, according to the Daily Mail. I don’t know what it said after that though because I opened two pictures of Jessica at once and my monitor fell through the table. (daily mail)
Demi Moore and her way cool husband Ashton Kutcher were on stage at a Snoop Dog concert in Vegas Friday night (good luck figuring out which race should be more embarrassed by that statement), and while Ashton sat and pantomimed, “I’m a jackass with no improv skills” to the crowd, Demi did a sexy dance for Snoop.
Even though she looks good for her age, her age is 47. Did you ever go to a dance in junior high and have the chaperon and teachers start dancing too? This was like that, except worse because at least the dance would have had my incredible mix CD. Savage Garden, Aqua, Smash Mouth – they’re all here, in one amazing collection!
Gemma Arterton (English model and actress, star of ‘Quantum of Solace’, ‘Clash of the Titans’, ‘Prince of Persia’) is on vacation with some unworthy big-titted jackass in Italy this week, and if I’m interpreting this right, the key to getting a girl who would normally be way out of your league is to be a boat. Wait. Wait, no. Have a boat. Yeah that makes more sense.
This story about Lindsay Lohan running a stop sign because she was racing to a bar this weekend, just 5 days after getting out of rehab, is so full of shocking surprises, you should probably check with your physician before you read it. Fox News says…
Early Sunday morning the just-released-from-rehab star was pulled over by cops after running a red light, X17Online.com reports.
The 24-year-old actress was trying to get to the Chateau Marmont Hotel, the scene of many of her previous late-night shenanigans.
On probation after completing two weeks in jail and court appointed rehab, the star, driving a $150,000 Maserati GranTurismo, with 433 horses under the hood, apparently used a few of those horses to try to put some distance between her and the following paparazzi.
After she was stopped, Lohan was let off with a warning.
That last part should make the people of LA feel nice and safe. The cop pulled over someone with a long and well documented record of reckless driving, who ran a stop sign because it stood between her and a bar, and he couldn’t even be bothered to write her a ticket. Awesome. Maybe he could change out her license plates for some fake ones next time too. She’s a celebrity after all, we can’t have some snitch droppin a dime on her.
Britney Spears was still in Hawaii this weekend, and still in a bikini and still with her boyfriend Jason Trawick. And, I guess, her kids are just home somewhere. Hopefully with a nanny. Or just leaving them in the yard works too. They’ll keep coming around if you feed them, so maybe they’ve scurried off by now.
Paris Hilton was charged with felony possession of cocaine today in Las Vegas, and if convicted, she could face a minimum of one year in jail. This all began Friday night after she was pulled over for suspicion of smoking marijuana, leading police to find .8 grams of cocaine in her purse.
Okay now and try and guess if Paris was undone by good old fashioned police work, or because she’s so fantastically stupid she literally took the cocaine from it’s secure hiding spot and dropped it into the cops hand. The answer may surprise you. (NOTE: It won’t surprise you.)
…a crowd (gathered), Hilton said she was “extremely embarrassed” and asked the cop if she could go to the bathroom at the Wynn Hotel.
At the hotel, Paris told the cop she needed lip balm so the cop handed Paris her purse: “As she began to open it, I saw a small bindle of what I believed to be cocaine in a clear baggie begin to fall from the purse and into my hand.”
The good decision making marathon continued after that when Paris told the cops it wasn’t her purse and she didn’t know about the cocaine, but did admit that all the other stuff in the purse, such as $1300 in cash and credit cards, were hers. Keep in mind when girls go out they usually have some tiny purse that holds only a few small things. But Paris would have you believe this purse was like a top hat in a magic show, you can reach in up to your shoulder, and WHO KNOWS what you’re gonna find in there. Lip balm, cocaine, some doves or a dozen roses, Paris is just as surprised as the rest of us.