this is gross

By brendon February 03, 2010 @ 1:50 PM

xmadonnaarms

The Sun is reporting that Madonna and her boyfriend Jesus Luz broke up yesterday and surprisingly enough it was Jesus who initiated the split, saying the difference in their age was too much to overcome. Which is sort of the point to this. It’s weird enough that she’s 51 and he’s 23, but there’s a line between “weird” and “skin-crawlingly creepy”. And this is that line:

Madonna is 14 years older than Jesus’ mother.

I don’t mean to brag, but I only threw up once while picturing myself having sex with a woman 14 years older than my mom. I should be in some kind of tough man contest.

morning headlines

By brendon February 03, 2010 @ 12:06 PM

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CONAN O’BRIEN - is one step closer to a deal with Fox, with CEO Rupert Murdoch saying, “If the programming people can show us we can do it and make a profit, we would do it in a flash.” Conan is real popular with college students, so maybe one good way to make money would be to have Andy sell weed out behind the studio. (radar)

JAMES CAMERON - doesn’t think ‘Avatar’ will win the Oscar for best picture. “I believe it’s very unlikely that we will win because I made such a jackass out of myself last time.” He also says ‘The Hurt Locker’, directed by his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow, is the biggest threat. Then he added, “It’s good if you don’t mind watching movies in 2D, like some kind of stoneage fag.” (imdb)

LOST - This flight may cost more, but I have a bad feeling about that Quantas one. I don’t wanna risk it. (college humor)

SARAH HARDING - is a member of the UK girl-group Girls Aloud, and she’s been in Barbados all week modeling different bikinis. None of them were that great. In hindsight I maybe could have hyped these up a little better. (splash)

pray for simon monjack

By brendon February 03, 2010 @ 10:34 AM

xsimonparty

The alternate headline for this was, “People who read Tyler are fucking cool/smartasses”, because above is the email and response from the fake charity Simon Monjack set up yesterday announcing a party to cash out on his wife’s death, hoping that Hollywoods genuine affection for Brittany Murphy would somehow transfer over to him.

But as you can see, despite all the work that went into the invitation and website banner showing Brittany as a Spanish dancer (which is how I choose to remember her as well), the party has been cancelled because of “an illness in the family”. A second email from someone who was supposed to work this party says they were told Simon is the one allegedly ill.

Now all we can do is pray for Monjack. Pray he got bit by something, like a kid from Africa or a bug who landed here on a rock from outer space, and now he’s gonna have some terrifying disease where he ends up behind sheets of plastic and guarded by Marines.

tuesday afternoon headlines

By brendon February 02, 2010 @ 9:22 PM

011hue

POINTLESS NUDITY - Playboy model Tiffany Ryan is short, skinny, and has huge breasts. If she were Asian with dark red hair she’d be the perfect human girl, a quantum leap in genetic evolution, an event so without precedent that many would claim she was a god, and her arrival was a sign that the rapture had begun and the end of days was upon us. Luckily she’s white. We really dodged a bullet. (foundry)

WE ARE THE WORLD - was rerecorded yesterday to raise money for Haiti. The original was recorded in 1985, and is credited for Africa’s amazing transformation into the booming high tech metropolis we know today. (us.com)

SANDRA BULLOCK - is of course married to Jesse James, who used to be married to porn star Janine Lindemulder, who is currently in a halfway house for parole violations. Jesse and Janine have a 6yo daughter who lives with Jesse and Sandra full time, and today Janine was denied visitation rights. I know what you’re thinking: “How the hell did a story with so many interesting elements get so god damn boring.” Yeah I was surprised too. (e online)

MICHAEL JACKSON - The doctor who drugged Jackson just before he died will be arrested any time now and charged with involuntary manslaughter. The doctor has been meeting with his attorneys all week to arrange his surrender and also to see if he can bill Jackson for this time. (pop eater)

prepare to get turned on

By brendon February 02, 2010 @ 9:20 PM

'The Jersey Shore' Cast Members Arriving In Venice

Last week it was reported that JWoww from the MTV show ‘Jersey Shore’ was the subject of some naked pictures being shopped around. You may have noticed no one bought them. Probably because we were all hoping for the real hotness to get naked. And now it’s happening, I’m really doing it, living my dream!

RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively that nude photos AND video of Snooki are for sale and being shopped to various media outlets.
The stills and video leave nothing to the imagination, as she is wearing only a smile. In one photo she is in her bedroom, on her knees, with one hand on the ground and the other holding the rail of the bed frame. She is looking at the camera with her head tilted slightly. Her spot-it-anywhere fingernail polish is plainly visible. Another shot is too graphic to describe.
And if it’s not Snooki in the photos then she has an identical twin!

I’m gonna guess it was her. There’s nothing in our world that looks like that. She’s like something that shows up after you’ve been cursed. Like you’d make fun of some gypsy after you stepped on a doll that looks like Snooki and then a week later Snooki will have come to life and crossed over into this world. At first you’ll just hear little footsteps running around late at night, then you’ll see a menacing little goblin in the mirror behind you or peering out from behind the arm of the couch before disappearing. Then one day you get fired and your car is stolen and you come home and your girlfriend has been hacked into a thousand pieces, and this fat little chupacabra here comes out pointing a stick at you with some kind of instructions and a warning.

(picture source = flynet online)

i think im in love

By brendon February 02, 2010 @ 8:47 PM

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British model and TV star Jessica-Jane Clement is in Thailand this week as part of her world tour to make flat chested girls feel bad about themselves, presumably sponsored by Allergan. And she’s worth every penny because she’s fantastic. Maybe even perfect. If she was on her knees as if to give me oral, even if she had blood and chunks of human flesh falling out of her mouth, I would still stick my penis in there.

(source = splash news exclusives)

most actors are dicks. some are not.

By brendon February 02, 2010 @ 6:11 PM

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

‘The Hurt Locker’ star Jeremy Renner was on the set of ‘Today’ this morning with co-star Anthony Mackie (who easily could have gotten a Supporting nod) and director Kathryn Bigelow when the Academy Award nominees were announced, and as New York magazine says…

Cameras were rolling as a clearly thrilled Renner launched into an impromptu bear hug with co-star Anthony Mackie, reminding us that not everyone is as jaded about this Oscar race as it may seem.

Gratitude is an incredibly endearing quality, yet tons of actors are essentially robots because they’re so dumb/spoiled. DeNiro is a great actor, but he’s a GD zombie. Someone wearing a dress they made by skinning fat girls shows as much human emotion as DeNiro does in real life.

you stay classy, simon monjack

By brendon February 02, 2010 @ 4:48 PM

britmurpfound

Us magazine opens this article by asking, “Want to attend a event honoring the late Brittany Murphy?”

They must have heard me say, “you’re damn right I do,” because after that they detail how Britanys grieving husband has set up a charity with a vague goal about helping children, but a very clear goal for you to give him money.

On Thursday, Murphy’s husband Simon Monjack is hosting a launch party to celebrate the Brittany Murphy Foundation, which is dedicated to arts education for children. (Monjack claims he started the foundation with $1 million of his own money)
He is suggesting dollar amounts of $1,000 per individual and $10,000 from corporations to attend the event
Says a source, “Everyone thinks it’s very tacky that he is making it so much about money.”

In December, for a story unrelated to this, the Hollywood Reporter quoted sources saying Monjack was “a con-man” and “a dangerous guy” who, “presented himself as someone with a lot of money and had none at all.”  But does that mean he didn’t spend a million dollars to start a charity so he could teach orphans about jazz hands, and this may in fact be some sort of sham?  Yes, for Christ’s sake yes, that’s exactly what it means. What are you retarded? You can’t be this naive, man.

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