Jessica Simpson wants to look like Jessica Alba

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 4:17 PM

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Jessica Alba looked terrific over the holidays when she hit the beach in a bikini. Not only did she get her hot body back after having a baby, but she made it look easy. But it’s not, and it sure as hell isn’t easy enough for Jessica Simpson to do it, despite what she was thinking when she went on twitter and wrote:

“New goal: look like @jessicaalba after baby. Job well done lady!”

To which Alba somehow avoided sarcasm to reply:

“OMG! Ur so sweet! Thx hon!”

As a reminder, this was Jessica Alba on July 24th, 22 days before she gave birth.

This is Jessica Simpson on December 18th. And December 23rd. She’s at least twice the size of Alba, and she’s not due for another 3 months. The only thing Jessica Simpson resembled in those Jessica Alba pictures was the sun.

Katy Perry was too boring in bed for Russell Brand

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 2:12 PM

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Russell Brand says he used to be a sex addict and have sex 5 times a day, so if it seemed unlikely that the religious and sugary-sweet Katy Perry could satisfy him in bed, that’s because it was.

Russell Brand is notorious for his once-wild lifestyle and attempts to change his bad boy ways. But according to a report in the newest issue of Us Weekly, Brand allegedly wasn’t able to kick all of his bad habits.
“Katy was kinky enough during their first times together and he was very attracted to her,” a source claimed.

Wait, so she was more fun in bed before she got married, but then made sex routine and monotonous? Well this is the first I’ve ever heard of a girl like that. What did he want that she was too good for anyway?

“He likes dirty things. He really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair. He’s attracted to things he can’t imagine happening to him. (And) he has a closet full of sex toys.”

Ok well obviously I didn’t know about the wheelchair thing. Maybe she has a point. Because if you’re a hot girl with big tits, and you can move in the direction that your hair is pulled and open your mouth on command, the sex is gonna be fine. I should write that on my eharmony profile somewhere. I don’t have time for a bunch of games.

Leann Rimes is graceful

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 12:30 PM

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It was time for some hot, boney-chestplate action! yesterday after Leann Rimes, her stolen husband, and her muscular girlfriend who looks like Lisa Kudrow if someone had just punched Lisa Kudrow in the face for a no doubt justified reason, all went in Hawaii.

One of the first things the girls did was rub their tits together, which seems appropriate since they already look like reasonably priced strippers/escorts.

(image source = fame and bauer griffin)

BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton is an idiot

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 5:58 PM

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The bad news is that Us quotes Paris Hilton as saying: “I’ve earned $1.3 billion since 2005.” The good news is that’s not even remotely true.

“I’m involved in my products every step of the way. My fragrances are doing really well at the moment,” Hilton tells FHM UK’s January issue. “They’ve produced more than $1.3 billion in revenue since 2005.”

Obviously there’s a big difference between revenue and income, so, despite the headline on Us, Paris has not earned $1.3 billion. And she lies constantly so that number is probably completely made up anyway. I’m surprised she didn’t say eleventy quillion.

Lauren Sanchez looks fantastic in a bikini

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 4:10 PM

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Latin girls all look 35, no matter if they’re 35 or 45 or 15. They all have big tits and long shiny hair and too much makeup and it’s awesome. Like ‘Good Day LA’ anchor Lauren Sanchez, who spent the holidays in Mexico. This chick has 3 kids and she still looks incredible in a bikini. She looks so great it was probably a bad idea to post these, because now when I break into her house while she’s at work and hump her giant bra there’s gonna be a trail of evidence leading back to me.

(SEXY UPDATE: the pictures weren’t going full size for a while but that should be fixed now. image source = flynet and fame)

Billy Baldwin has to fly coach

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 3:26 PM

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I’m mean spirited and petty, so I squealed with delight to see Billy Baldwin flying coach on an Alaska Airlines flight to Idaho. It makes me feel better about myself when a famous person can’t afford to fly first class. I bet Gwyneth Paltrow would be surprised to see that they even have seats back there. If you asked her to describe coach she would probably say people sit on old wooden benches, and there’s goats and chickens walking around and hay on the floor and oars sticking out of the side of the plane, and it gets real windy when they put the landing gear down. Gwyneth Paltrow is an elitist cunt, is my point.

Anyway, Baldwin sat back there and read political cartoons in the LA Times, which perfectly fits the perception I have when it comes to where actors get their information about politics.

(image source = inf)

Nick Cannon is in the hospital

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 1:09 PM

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Mariah Carey went on her twitter page this morning and posted a picture of her and her husband Nick Cannon in a hospital bed in Aspen as he recovers from a mild kidney failure. She explained more over on her blog:

“We’re trying to be as festive as possible under the circumstances but please keep Nick in your thoughts because this is very painful. They tried to kick me out of the hospital but here I am pon de bed with Mr. C.”
“We’re doing OK but we’re ‘straaaaaanded in Aspen’ … the truth is as long as we’re together, we’re OK. I’m not trying to make light out of the situation because it’s a serious moment that’s very tough on all of us so please keep us and our family in your prayers. LYM.”

I’m not positive how this works but wouldn’t my prayers for him to recover be cancelled out by the ones I already made for him to get really sick and spend his days in agony?

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are engaged! Maybe!

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 12:31 PM

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Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake started dating in May of 2007. Three months after that, the rumors that he was cheating on her began, and theybasicallyneverstopped for the four years that they dated. Because he’s a jackass who was absolutely cheating on her. And so in March of 2011, they broke up. :(

But now not only are they back together, but Us magazine says they’re engaged. To get married. To each other.

Timberlake popped the question to Biel (last week) in the mountains of Jackson, Wyoming. “Justin knows how much she loves snowboarding and the mountains, so it was the perfect place,” one insider explains.
Another Timberlake insider adds that he’s “never been happier” with the New Year’s Eve actress. “He knew it was the right time to propose.”

Oh yeah I bet he did. There’s nothing girls like more than screwing over other girls, so I bet breaking up with Jessica really began a sharp decline in the amount of pussy he was getting. Needless to say he had to fix that problem asap.