By Lex July 23, 2013 @ 3:57 PM
Miley Cyrus keeps flashing body parts as if she’s trying to divert attention from her Maxim’s Hottest Girl in the Known Entire Universe punim. It’s definitely working. I’m looking at her black thong right now and she sure looks pretty. I’m not saying girls should just spread their legs to be more adored. I am suggesting it’s a solid option.
Photo Credit: PCN, Splash
By Lex July 23, 2013 @ 3:39 PM
You know what sucks about being a future king of England? I mean, besides the complications arising from generations of inbreeding and having to eat lots of mayonnaise. You have to marry some royal girl from another Euro family someday. Historically, those girls have looked about as comely as the horses they all ride to fill their idle time. But, with the introduction of some outsider vagina to the mix the past couple of generations, things are looking a bit brighter on the princess and duchess and countess front.
Here’s a look at a bunch of current royal women who I’d bed. The women not on this list I’d also bed, but I’d not brag about necessarily. Neither would they.
Photo Credit: Getty, WENN
By Lex July 23, 2013 @ 2:20 PM
I’m not sure when it become cool for old ladies to suddenly start talking like Howard Sten about their privates, but somebody really needs to stop this shit. Do I want to know that Shirley Jones and her Cassidy husband used to experiment sexually, that he had a big cock, and she went from virginal wife to orgasmic sex fiend? I probably would’ve watched the sex tape back in the 60′s when they were doing it like Pam and Tommy Lee. Not so much now near 80. Cut that shit out, old people. You got a wild sex tale to tell, tell it now, when we all can enjoy it. Don’t wait until your butter is melted and your pots are dry, as my grandfather used to say about the elderly ladies he was courting. I have no clue what that means, but I know I don’t want to think about Shirley Jones’ dry pots.
By Lex July 23, 2013 @ 1:52 PM
Holy crap. It’s like a girl got sucked up into some alien space ship, stripped, probed and punched in the face a few times just so she’d remember them, her chin turned toward the wall so the aliens could pleasure themselves with her nice body but still think about other hotter looking girls, then shat out into a dry river bed in New Mexico, where a photographer found her, propped her up on a stool, and snapped her picture for no apparent reason. But everybody interprets art differently.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Lex July 23, 2013 @ 1:23 PM
My last vacation was sleeping in the back of a buddies’ broke down car which made it halfway to a campground where I was told there would be girls who ‘weren’t too hairy’. I’d rather been in Formentera with Bar Refaeli. I don’t even know where Formentera is, but it sounds fucking amazing. Bar’s not too hairy. She also has trouble with her macrame swimsuits riding up into her ass just like I do. I could see myself being very successful with her. Unless she’s a lesbian like the other girls who have turned me down.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
By Jack July 23, 2013 @ 12:45 PM
In the latest example of a fast food worker acting like a douche, a Subway “sandwich artist” named “Weedpriest” got caught putting extra salami on their fresh baked bread. The penis belonged to Ian Jett, AKA “Weedpriest”, and we know that he did it because he posted pictures of his health code violations on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. He also froze some pee in the Subway’s freezer, you know, like you do. Maybe he wasn’t high that day and wanted to save it for future drug tests. Someone saw his handiwork and turned him in and he has been subsequently fired. and all his Employee of the Month pictures removed from the wall.
Is social media revealing secret nasty shit at fast food restaurants that has always gone or, or is it encouraging dimwitted attention whores to try to out gross each other behind the counter for publicity? It’s both. Now quit your whining and go eat a giant fucking penis-tasting meal that costs less than a pack of cigarettes.
By Lex July 23, 2013 @ 12:33 PM
Paris Hilton is blowing up in France like a summer Muslin slums riot. The surrender monkeys in their mock turtlenecks can not get enough of this tittering blond heiress. They’re putting her front and center in a reality TV show you’ve never heard of finding jobs in L.A. for these moderately attractive French girls. In turn, the girls are teaching Paris how to say ‘The demon bumps are back in my lady area, do you have a cream or ointment?’ in French. This show is going to win several awards involving medallions.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
By Lex July 23, 2013 @ 11:58 AM
I live in L.A. so I should know this. Apparently, it’s illegal to walk up the driveway of a random elderly lady, pull off an article of clothing, pour gasoline on it, light it on fire, and start yelling out crazy shit. This is one of those wacky regulations you don’t really know about until somebody like Amanda Bynes whips out her lighter. The cops put Amanda back on 5150 hold in the loony wing of the local hospital giving her bicoastal street cred in that particular health center block. They’ll let her out again after the 72-hours as her final destiny of glorious burn out has yet to be achieved.
“Do you know anyone by the name of Amanda Bynes, or why she would have some vendetta against you?”
Chilling words indeed.