Farrah Abraham’s Dirty Bikini For Sale

By Jack May 16, 2013 @ 2:42 PM

Are you a perv that enjoys rolling around in soiled women’s undergarments? Then you are in luck my disgusting friend! The pink glittery bikini that Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham wore, (briefly), on the cover of her recent cinematic tour de force Farrah Superstar: BackDoor Teen Mom is for sale! Vivid, the porn company that bought and and distributes the video, put the bikini on Ebay with a starting bid at $500. It seems that the bikini has fake tanner, body glitter, and…um…other mysterious stains. The glittery bathing suit is listed as “used” and is “Straight off Farrah’s body and into your hands.” In other words, it hasn’t been washed since Farrah’s asshole had its date with destiny,

I hate to challenge any man’s taste in personal recreation, but it seems like you could spend your money more wisely. You could get a good looking escort for what you would pay for this bikini and have actual sexual intercourse with a real human vagina. But I guess there are many complex layers of pathology I’m missing on this impulse buy decision.

Khloe Kardashian Somehow Fits

By Lex May 16, 2013 @ 2:11 PM

Khloe Kardashian In Tight Dress Visiting Kim In Los Angeles
Forget this genetic forecasting nonsense, you want real scientific achievement to better the lives of women, look at the new girdle technology available to the ladies. The complex constrictive elements employed to fit Khloe Kardashian into this dress simply were not available just a few years ago. It’s like when NASA says we will land a man on Mars knowing that at some date in the future the technology to allow for human interplanetary travel will be invented. There’s a relatively predictable discovery curve. Still, I guarantee you nobody in 2008 saw Khloe Kardashian ever fitting into this dress.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN

Pat Robertson Tells Woman To STFU About Her Cheating Husband (VIDEO)

By Lex May 16, 2013 @ 1:10 PM

I guess this is supposed to be creating shocking waves of resentment among the liberated minds around the nation. Pat Robertson essentially telling a caller that she needs to stop whining about her husband cheating a couple times here and there and focus on the good stuff. Like, does he pay the rent and take the kids to Little League and not hit the sauce and beat you. Because men have a tendency to wander every now and then so deal with it. I wanted to get outraged. And Pat Robertson is really a total tool.. But he’s also… right. Clearly, he’s right. Most married men cheat and the others are just fucking lazy. If you can keep your man to a couple one-night wick dips every decade or so, and he’s an otherwise good man, then, yeah, he is a good man.  And that part Pat says about women keeping a happy enticing home is also right. Men who are getting loved up at home are less likely to go full ditch. Just a fact. Hating a fact doesn’t make it go away. The good news for women who find this all disappointing and not at all like a Disney cartoon is that you no longer have to get married. For most of history, you had to. Now, it’s a total choice. You want loyalty? Get a cat and a vibrator, which is a joke if you know anything about cats.

Heidi Klum Likes To Show Off Her Boobs

By Lex May 16, 2013 @ 12:16 PM

Heidi Klum In See Through Dress At The Versus Versace Launch In New York
Sometimes I wake up in night with this recurring fear that I’m the only person in the world who gives a shit that Heidi Klum started fucking her kids’ bodyguard while she was married to Seal. Okay, maybe Seal is the other guy who gives a shit. But even he’s probably ten models past giving a shit about anything Heidi did. Heidi’s P.R. team put a full-court press on the celebrity kiss ass magazines which barely covered the story, if at all. Yeah, you’re aloud to ditch your husband and take up with another dude. But when that other dude is one of your kids’ caretakers, that’s a fucking story. Jude Law took a reaming for banging the nanny. Because it’s cheap and cheesy and the kind of shit I would do. Probably you too. But when Heidi Klum does it, it should’ve been noted.

Here’s Heidi showing off her boobs on the red carpet. I can see why she’d cause a man violate his Super Sacred Celebrity Bodyguard Oath.

Photo Credit: Getty, Splash

The Camel Toe Diet

By Jack May 16, 2013 @ 11:42 AM

The woman in this video has the most glorious cameltoe we’ve ever seen. I mean, it’s fucking breathtaking. This chick was once a kinda-sorta-not-really fat teenager who even the rapey guys in high school wouldn’t touch. That is until she discovered some super vegan raw food diet that blah, blah, fucking blah. Now she doesn’t eat nuts or bread or anything remotely good and she goes around giving presentations on eating like a diabetic rabbit to bored New Age housewives. The biggest benefit to the diet seems to be the health and vigor that one’s labia can achieve. Her meat curtains are like the event horizon of a black hole that is threatening to pull both her pants and all matter around it into her pussy singularity. It’s really hard to listen to what a woman has to say when her genitalia is pulsating through her trousers. Yes, I know your face is up there, but your pie hole just swallowed my dog.

Avril Lavigne And Chad Kroeger Are Perfect

By Travis May 16, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

I thought for sure that someone behind a Canadian version of “Punk’d” was eventually going to come forward and take credit for Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger being engaged, but almost one year after the world learned of this unholy union, Avril is more excited than ever. The totally legit punk rocker told Access Hollywood Live yesterday that the Nickelback frontman was so perfect for her, because… you guys won’t even believe this.

“My mother always taught me that. There was a rule in our house, no calling guys, I wasn’t allowed to call guys, they had to call me. Men like a chase. I don’t run after guys so he did it.

“Believe it or not, I actually said before we started dating, ‘I want to date someone who is 10 years older than me’, and he’s exactly 10 years older than me and it’s nice.” (Daily Mail)

That’s amazing. Truly, the greatest love story of this generation. And while we all await her new album, “Here’s to Never Growing Up”, which was co-written by Chad, maybe they’ll run off and get married somewhere ideal for their incredible love. Might I suggest Syria or the inside of a volcano?

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Rita Rusic In A Bikini

By Lex May 16, 2013 @ 10:08 AM

Rita Rusic In A Bikini At The Beach In Miami
The thing about my older woman fetish is that it’s getting tougher to find worthy imaginary girlfriends the older I get. When you’re fifteen, every woman in your sphere is an older honey. You can violate yourself thinking of a teacher, your dental hygienist, or the mom from Who’s The Boss. But you get a little older and suddenly finding a mature women to imagine nursing you in adult diapers becomes a real chore. At some point I’ll be watching reruns of The Golden Girls with a tube sock in my hand wondering why the fuck I was cursed with this dreaded desire. Pedophiles really do have it easy.

Here’s Euro actress and film producer Rita Rusic on the beach in Miami. She turns 53 years old today. And, by old, I mean, I want to have sex with her until her hip bone cracks.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

Hayden Panettiere Might Be Engaged

By Travis May 16, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

While Us Weekly reported back in January that “Nashville” star Hayden Panettiere and on-and-off boyfriend and heavyweight boxing champion, Wladimir Klitschko, were engaged, it still seems to be a topic of confusion among people who care about their strange relationship. But Hayden may have provided an answer on Tuesday, when she attended the Entertainment Weekly and ABC-TV Upfronts Party in New York City and she was seen with this ridiculous ring on her right hand.

Of course, sticklers for accuracy are quick to point out that women wear engagement rings on the left hand, but the Daily Mail suggests that maybe she just went the European route and wore it on her right hand. But then Hayden attended the Versus Versace launch party in New York last night and the ring was nowhere in sight, suggesting that nobody knows dick.

So I think the most important question here is how goofy does it look when these two have sex? Does she climb all over him like a tiny monkey in a giant tree? Or does he just lay back and twirl her around like an airplane propeller?

(Photo Credits: Getty)