Alec Baldwin Is a Quitter

By Lex February 24, 2014 @ 3:44 PM

Alec Baldwin's Cover Story 'I Give Up' In New York Magazine
I can’t help but feel we had many more liquor fueled rants and fist-fights and ‘faggot’ slurs from the steely-eyed old fellow. But, no, Alec Baldwin declared he’s quitting. Nobody’s clear yet on what Alec is quitting exactly, but in a new heavily publicized magazine cover story he laments publicity and hints at leaving his beloved Manhattan for good. If you check the moving company records, you’ll see that self-righteous progressive hypocrites move into the city far more often than they move out. Alec has even considered leaving show business altogether to get away from the the scrutiny of the paparazzi who don’t always follow the commands of his paid publicists:

If quitting the television business, the movie business, the theater, any component of entertainment, is necessary in order to bring safety and peace to my family, then that is an easy choice.

Read that as, there’s no way in hell he has the testicular fortitude to make this move. Despite being fired from a talk show on network that only has twenty-seven viewers, Alec continues to rake in the bucks, the attention, and the drama Irish drunks crave from the bottom of their glasses. He can’t leave the action. It’s like Jordan quitting basketball or more aptly, Lamar Odom quitting the rock. Self-pity is Alec’s crack. He’s not going anywhere.

Photo Credit: New York Magazine/Twitter

MSNBC Fires Alec Baldwin for Being a Dick

By Lex November 27, 2013 @ 3:40 PM

Alec Baldwin Leaves His Apartment In New York City

In a move nobody cares about by a network that nobody watches, noted gay rights activist and homophobe Alec Baldwin has lost his late night talk show, Up Late. Alec Baldwin apologists are quick to point out that the firing is not directly related Baldwin’s ‘fag’ slurs in public, and actually more a result of his kicking a woman with cancer out of her makeup room at 30 Rock. The fallout from the show cancelation will be tremendous as up to eight people will become disappointed on Friday nights when MSNBC adds an extra hour of lesbians shanking each other in prison, more formally known as The Rachel Maddow show. Yeah, I know, I went long on that one.

Here’s pictures of Alec’s hot daughter, Ireland, who I will comfort after the gay mafia kills him in some fabulous manner.

Photo Credit: WENN, Ireland Baldwin/Instagram

Ireland Baldwin’s Daddy Is Not Homophobic, Okay?

By Travis November 18, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Ireland Baldwin is the rare Hollywood double threat these days, in that she’s becoming more and more famous not only because she’s the daughter of famous people, but also because she posts a lot of pictures of herself in bikinis to Instagram. But now that she’s 18, she’s proving that she’s so much more than online jailbait by finally speaking out about her father Alec Baldwin’s love of dropping homophobic slurs in his hissy fits against the paparazzi that tease him into exploding at them. In a Twitter rant on Saturday, Ireland claimed that Alec is “far from a homophobe or a racist,” and that he just gets really emotional because he’s trying to protect his infant child. And just as I was starting to think she might have a point, she Tweeted some bullshit about Willow Smith and Lady Gaga and completely lost me.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Alec Baldwin Trots Out Gay Hairdresser to Prove He’s Not a Homophobe

By Lex November 15, 2013 @ 5:06 PM

With the gay tide turning against him, Alec Baldwin quickly rushed to his gay hairdresser for an impromptu bona fide on being anything but a homophobe. Of all the hairdressers in the world, Alec Baldwin chooses the rare gay hairdresser because he doesn’t see color or sexual orientation, he just sees a dude he can easily take out with just a metal comb if he fucks up his fabulous hair. Baldwin’s gay-defense opera bouffe seemed to be gaining traction until Anderson Cooper spoke truth to power from Gay Central Command:

“Just read Alec Baldwin’s latest excuses. They are actually so ridiculous they are funny.”

Anderson Cooper’s word is worth approximately one hundred hairdressers. He’s The AIDS quilt of the gay bedding department. Unless Alec Baldwin can produce the dream team of Elton John, Dolce AND Gabbana, and the human remains of Eleanor Roosevelt to all talk about how so non-homophobic he is, he might as well forget about trolling for hot lesbos with Bill Clinton after the GLAAD Media Awards this year.

Photo credit: SplashNews

Alec Baldwin Banishes the Word ‘Cocksucker’ From His Vocabulary

By Lex November 15, 2013 @ 1:30 PM

There’s no end to the manner in which Alec Baldwin is able to devour education and knowledge and translate it into evolved and progressive thought. For instance, one of his dear gay friends, Rich Ferraro, let Alec know that cocksucker can be seen as an anti-homosexual epithet when used to taunt a male adversary in a public kerfuffle. Especially when used in the clear context of a slur or putdown, as opposed to, say, general praise on a Grindr review, ‘Mmm mmm mmm, Steve sure is a great cocksucker.’. Knowledge in hand, Alec promptly retired the term cocksucker from his vocabulary. Just like that. As potential replacements for his vitriol, Alec’s considering the more delicate options of assplow or jizzface, or simply just returning to threatening to hurt people really badly with a tire iron.

Alec Baldwin Falls Victim to a Vast Right Wing Cocksucking Conspiracy

By Lex November 15, 2013 @ 8:06 AM

Alec Baldwin wants the world to know he’s friend to gays and all woodland mammals. The fact that Alec sometimes lets loose a homophobic slur in no way impedes his ability to be an ardent LGBT supporter. He’s so hardcore about LGBT rights that he named his child Carmen. Nobody can remember if it’s a boy or a girl. Gender neutrality point, Alec Baldwin. The fact that Alec called an annoying paparazzi a ‘cocksucking fag’ on the street in New York is merely part of a right wing attempt to make enlightened souls like Alec seem like elitist hypocrites. To wit, Alec didn’t even say ‘cocksucking fag’, he said ‘cocksucking fathead‘, as proven by expert acoustic analysis as performed by his young yoga instructor wife as she cringed before her irate husband bathed in his own sweat and demons. Alec had some Tweets up threatening to sue TMZ for claiming he uttered the word ‘fag’, but they seem to have been deleted. I suppose in preparation for the big legal action where Alec can explain in deposition that his Tweet earlier this summer calling a gay journalist a ‘toxic queen’ was a cheeky royal dig, that barking at somebody that you hope they ‘choke to death’ is a Buddhist blessing, and that he honestly thought that the black photographer’s real name was ‘Coon McCrackhead’.