Alec Baldwin Writes Whiny Letter About Paparazzi

By Jack October 08, 2013 @ 2:52 PM

Alec Baldwin, everyone’s favorite racist drunk uncle, wrote a letter to the local East Hampton paper bitching about the paparazzi. Apparently, the bloated walking whiskey bottle had some run ins with photographers and other celebrity paps in Amagansett and East Hampton. He says that they are harassing his young yoga instructor wife and baby at places like Ralph Lauren and other stores around town. So, he did what any old guy who doesn’t know that no one reads newspapers anymore would do and wrote an open letter to The East Hampton Star. Baldwin says,

“What has gone wrong with our society that this vermin has spawned in East Hampton? These are not New Yorkers that have slithered out here. They are home grown. They are locals. And they obviously have no idea about how to live in a community like ours. I hope that our local government will address this issue, which has nothing to do with freedom of the press and everything to do with criminal harassment, abuse, and authorizing the intimidation and stalking of one group in our society while protecting the basic rights of all others.”

While normal people might appeal to their government to fix pot holes or fight crime, Baldwin doesn’t want people taking pictures of him. His ability to be rich and famous and earn massive bucks from Capital One credit card commercials without having a bunch of short dudes with cameras following him around is really a Constitutional crisis. I hope the Supreme Court takes this up in their next session. Somebody needs to fix Alec Baldwin problems!

Alec Baldwin Ass Rapes Paparazzo So He’ll Never Forget

By Jack August 27, 2013 @ 3:07 PM

Alec Baldwin and his fucked up Irish temper struck again when he allegedly attacked a photographer on the streets of New York. And, by ‘allegedly’ I mean he pinned the paparazzo against a car. Supposedly, the pap was taking pictures of Jack Donaghy and his yoga instructor wife Hilaria, when Baldwin flipped the fuck out…again. There were a lot of witnesses, because the streets of New York are full of witnesses. There are nearly 10 million people here for Stephen Baldwin’s sake. His buddies claim the photog started it while everyone else says Baldwin attacked. Witnesses say Hilaria ducked into a tea store. A friend said, “What kind of sick twisted psychopath chases a woman who just got out of the hospital from having a baby into a tea store?” A good point, but I totally think Baldwin started it. Why? Because he’s an angry street dick and I should know.

That’s right. I was driving in Greenwich village a few months ago minding my own business down 12th street when an old man literally jumped in front of my car. Even though I had the right-of-way, he got red in the face and started pounding on my car, hard. It was then that I recognized Angry Baldwin. He told me to go fuck myself and Hilaria had to pull him away. Not exactly like having your car surrounded by Taliban forces in Kabul, but still pretty freaky even for New York. Does this auto-assault prove that Baldwin attacked the photog? No. But it does show  that he’s a man who would attack a crappy used car. Sure, half the world wants to key a brand new shiny Beemer, but only rage disturbed. homeless people bang on crappy used cars.

Not that it’s related, but here’s Alec bringing his cute little new daughter home from the hospital. I hope she came with a a front fender that can be banged out if dented.

Photo Credit:

Hilaria Thomas Has Five Days to Give Birth or Watch Her Boobs Explode

By Lex August 19, 2013 @ 3:23 PM

Alec Baldwin And Pregnant Wife Hilaria Thomas Sit In The Park In New York
I was staring so hard at the pregnant swollen boobs of Hilaria Thomas that I barely noticed old Russell Crowe kissing her on the head in the park as he fingered her toy poodle’s ass. Odd, but it’s Manhattan. More typically, you’d find Alec Baldwin on the park bench, seated next to his soon to be baby mama, waxing passionate about how a Republican president would be horrible for the coons and wetbacks of this nation. Some people question Alec Baldwin becoming a dad again at age 55, given that by the time his new child is in college, he will be even older and more fucking annoying than ever. But, you can’t stop love. Or a young yoga instructor’s desire to get in on a little 30 Rock residual money.

Photo Credit: PCN

Ireland Baldwin In A Bikini On A Boat With Her Family

By Lex July 19, 2013 @ 1:25 PM

Ireland Baldwin In A Bikini On A Boat With Her Family In The Hamptons
I’m not usually one for checking out family vacation photos of attractive teen girls, although that would be one amazing fucking Tumblr site. But I guess Ireland Baldwin wants us all to see her in her bikini because she keeps putting her photos out on Instagram. It’s important we get these next gen Baldwin family photos if for no other reason than to use in articles ten years from now when they all start beating the crap out of people and getting arrested.

Photo Credit: Ireland Baldwin/Instagram

Alec Baldwin Thinks He’s A Journalist Now

By Jack July 05, 2013 @ 2:19 PM

America’s paunchy drunk uncle Alec Baldwin wants to travel to Russia to interview Edward Snowden for his podcast. Baldwin has a podcast on WNYC and I guess that qualifies him to get the interview every journalist in the world would cut off their left nut/vulva lip to get.

“I want to try to interview him for my podcast on WNYC. I’m pressing all the buttons I have in London with friends of mine who know Julian Assange. I’m going to fly to Russia and try to interview Snowden… I’m going to try.”

Celebrities often act like they have Ph.Ds in political science or economics. They just love to spout their mouths off about shit they scanned in HuffPo in first class from N.Y. to L.A.  It’s even worse when they’ve summarily studied to play a character, like, oh, Jack Ryan, an intelligence analyst tasked with bringing in a defecting Soviet submariner. Compared to that, getting to Snowden in a Moscow airport hotel will be a piece of cake. But, Alec, you were so much younger than. And, also, that was fake.

Alec Baldwin Threatens To Quit a Bunch of Shit

By Jack July 03, 2013 @ 4:10 PM

Alec Baldwin is threatening to not only quit Twitter but acting too. In an interview in Vanity Fair he talks about how it’s Twitter’s fault that he keeps saying stupid shit. He said of social media in general that, “It’s just another chink in your armor for people to come and kill you.” Like when you call out gay journalists as ‘toxic queens’ people will write nasty shit back to you. He says that he learned an important lesson from James Gandolfini’s funeral. No, not to be an all around gentleman and professional like the late star, just that Gandolfini didn’t have a Twitter account:

“I went to Jimmy Gandolfini’s funeral, and when I was there I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn’t have Twitter. Jimmy Gandolfini was so beloved as a person, and he was so admired as an actor, and he didn’t give a fuck about social media. I really learned a lesson at the funeral. I said to myself, This is all a waste of time”

I guess if Tony Soprano had to die to teach Alec Baldwin a lesson about the perils of having a Twitter account, so be it. We all have to do our part to make his world a better place. Dick.