thursday night headlines

By brendon February 11, 2010 @ 9:14 PM

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JON GOSSELIN - has a tiny penis, according to his ex girlfriend, Halley Glassman. “He’s hung like a nine-year-old boy. It’s so tiny, tiny, tiny. (I) would laugh about it with my mom.” Jon Gosselin had no comment, the beginning of 6 months without mentioning her, so that when she ends up dead he won’t look like a suspect. (us.com)

ANGELINA JOLIE - paid $20,000 for a 200-year-old olive tree to give to Brad Pitt for Valentines Day, because it’s a sign of peace and longevity. That may sound like a lot, and you can pay 15 grand for an olive tree, but only if you want a complete piece of shit. (wonder wall)

JOHN MAYER - stopped his concert last night to give a tear-soaked apology for some of the things he said in his Playboy interview. Crying in public like this should only strengthen his fan base in the hood. (foundry)

LADY GAGA - may lose some of her goofy outfits because her favorite designer, Alexander McQueen, was found dead today of an apparent suicide. Actually he hung himself, so I don’t know why its’ being called an “apparent suicide”. He either killed himself or he really sucks at making rope swings. (pop eater)

FINALLY, PART 2 - After days of crappy lo-res SI Swimsuit Issue pictures, finally some decent scans have shown up online. Unfortunately, other than Brooklyn Decker, the models this year kind of suck, so this is a real mixed blessing. (si.com)

FACEBOOK …. TWITTER …. A DONKEY IN A SANTA HAT

brad and angelina are suing

By brendon February 09, 2010 @ 11:39 AM

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Tabloids have been claiming that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are breaking up any minute now since at least 2006. Here’s a post from May of 2007 about it. Yet they’re still together, and in fact they seemed pretty happy two days ago as their adopted New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl.

So maybe that’s why they’re suing the London tabloid the News Of The World, who claimed Pitt and Jolie met with attorneys in December to divide their assets and work out custody of their children. The BBC says…

The couple’s lawyer, Keith Schilling, called the “widely republished” allegations “false and intrusive”.
He added the paper had failed to meet “reasonable demands” for an apology.
He said the pair had also asked for a retraction of the allegations, which had subsequently been “widely republished by mainstream news outlets”.
A statement from Schillings Lawyers also noted that Sorrell Trope, identified by some publications as a divorce lawyer advising Pitt and Jolie, had never met them.
“I have had no contact from… Angelina Jolie and / or Brad Pitt,” said Trope in a letter quoted in the statement.
“I have never met… your clients or had any involvement with either of them. The foregoing is true with respect to all other members of this firm.”

Pitt must be a really nice guy. Aren’t there Russian generals selling bio-weapons for like a million dollars? What the hell is he waiting for? If I were rich I would definitely use it to terrify people and attack them into submission. But only my enemies. I’m tough but fair.

afternoon headlines

By brendon January 27, 2010 @ 7:19 PM

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BRAD PITT - now that he may be single again, Jennifer Aniston wants him to know she’ll take him back. But she won’t beg. Unless he wants her too, and then she’ll crawl across the floor on her hands and knees, groveling and pleading as if her very life depended on it. (star)

JAY LENO - told Oprah that he hasn’t spoken to Conan since all the Tonight Show drama began. “I haven’t talked to him through all this … it didn’t seem appropriate … I don’t know. I think it — let things cool down and maybe we’ll talk, you know.” He explained that a face-to-face talk went against his natural sneaky, back-stabbing instincts. Then, while he and Oprah talked, he gave the signal for someone to break into her car. (us.com)

CHARLIE SHEEN - His wife Brooke Mueller, the one he tried to murder on Christmas day, is in rehab for an alleged drug addiction. Let’s just hope her weakness won’t sully his good name. (radar)

SHANELLE - Is there some reason I can’t get hot girls to do this kind of thing for Tyler? If so that reason can suck it because it’s standing between me and my happiness. (foundry music)

LINDSAY LOHAN - The issue of Loaded magazine that she posed for essentially naked is now out (scans here). As much as I’d love to make fun of her, she’s skinny with red hair and huge breasts. Half my hard drive is devoted to those very things. If I act like I wouldn’t have sex with her, it sends a dangerous message to my penis. (loaded)

Read more >

angelina is tearing her family apart (not literally)

By brendon January 25, 2010 @ 10:23 AM

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Early last week, InTouch magazine claimed Angelina Jolie cheated on Brad Pitt with her dialect coach for the movie ‘Salt’ (which he adamantly denied). A few days later, Us magazine said they were on the verge of a break-up because she hates New Orleans, home of the NFC champion New Orleans Saints. Then over the weekend, a British tabloid claimed Jolie and Pitt were already separated and had even signed paperwork dividing their assets. I can’t tell if you’re getting the point to this post yet, so here’s another example.

BRAD PITT’s brother begged the Hollywood star to leave ANGELINA JOLIE because their family was being torn apart, The Sun can reveal.
The couple have been putting on a united front but a source said: “It’s no secret they have been in a pretty loveless relationship for about a year.
“They barely spend time together and when they do it is very fraught. They want different things from life.
She wants a baby from Syria and now Haiti while he thinks the six kids they have are more than enough.

They looked happy enough on January 6th in New York, but whatever. Syria and Haiti? Jesus Christ can’t she adopt just one kid where she doesn’t need a treasure map to go find it? Where she just fills out some paperwork, in English, in ink and not blood, where she doesn’t have to fight an RV-sized spider or decipher some dusty old book to defeat the “Mummys Kiss”.

angelina hates new orleans

By brendon January 22, 2010 @ 4:43 PM

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Brad Pitt was at the Saints game last Sunday to preemptively celebrate their victory over the Vikings in 2 days, and he brought Maddox to hang out with Spike Lee and Reggie Bush. Angelina didn’t make the game because she was busy. Busy screaming about how much she hates New Orleans, that is.

(Pitt and Jolie) purchased a home in New Orleans in 2007, but an insider tell Us weekly Jolie “calls it ‘his house.’”
“Brad loves spending time in New Orleans, but Angie doesn’t. They fight because of it…she keeps yelling at him that she hates New Orleans and never wants to go back.”
Friends say Pitt is devoted because it allows him to indulge in his passions for architecture and environmentalism (he established a foundation to build 150 “green” homes in the wake of Hurricane Katrina). If the actor had his way, he’d love settle down in the southern town with Jolie and their six kids.
But Jolie “gets really bored” there, and would prefer staying at Chateau Miraval, their 1000-acre, $70 million estate in Provence, France — and continue traveling the world. Yet Pitt has lost the globetrotting bug. “He’s tired of it!” the source says.

It might not be the fairest contest in the world to compare a $70M estate in France to New Orleans. But if she’s bored, she should visit one of our many housing projects that the city planners refuse to move away from tourist areas like the Garden District and French Quarter. Running for your life is exhilarating, maybe she’ll get a kick out of that.

thursday afternoon headlines

By brendon November 19, 2009 @ 8:11 PM

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Todays headlines are sponsored by Barney, the fattest Dalmatian in England. He’s not the fattest black and white mix breed in England though. Hint hint, Mariah Carey. (barney pix here and here and here. source = splash)

DAVID FINCHER – was called in to create a menu screen for the BluRay release of ‘Fight Club’, so he copied the one from ‘Never Been Kissed’ starring Drew Barrymore. He meant it as a joke, but they do have things in common. They both make me want to punch someone, for example. (yahoo)

CHRIS BROWN – is struggling to fill even small venues during his comeback tour, and scalpers outside are selling tickets below cost. Maybe because lyrics like “babe pretty thick, that need to be hit” seem more threatening than sexy now. That’s either about a pretty girl he’d like to make love to, or a slow learner who needs a little reminding. (ny daily news)

BRAD PITT - turned down a $5M appearance fee and a trip to the United Arab Emirates because it was on Oct. 31st, and he wanted to go out with his kids on Halloween. What I’m trying to say is, Brad Pitt is an idiot. (msnbc)

BEHATI PRISLOO – is a pro. The model shot for Victorias Secret in New York today, and notice how everyone else is all bundled up and she’s essentially naked. Bullshit like this is why I got out of swimsuit modeling. (inf daily)