angelina jolie is fantastic

By brendon February 26, 2010 @ 12:49 PM


The next few months are gonna suck because Angelina Jolie is in Paris filming ‘The Tourist’, and next week her co-star Johnny Depp is expected to arrive to begin their scenes together. So we can all look forward to endless tabloid stories about them doin it. Not that I would blame him of course. She’s fantastic looking. Any guy who can be in close contact with her for more than a few minutes without trying to slam his penis into her when she’s not looking is either gay or a martian or more likely a gay martian.

morning headlines

By brendon February 24, 2010 @ 12:49 PM


BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE – were photographed makin out in Paris on the set of her new movie. Perhaps all part of their intricate plan to trick the media into thinking they’re still together, which is apparently crucial for some reason that no one has ever bothered to explain. (just jared)

BONER - from ‘Growing Pains’ was last seen in Vancouver 10 days ago, and this morning his dad from ‘Star Trek’ asked for the public’s help. I bet this goes really well. “Chief we just got a tip from Mr. Hugh G. Rection saying Boner has gone limp on the corner of Imfuckin and Yomama. Should I send paramedics?” (people)

CHARLIE SHEEN - has entered a rehab for addiction to alcohol and cocaine. Let’s hope he get’s the help he needs. Everyone deserves a four-thousandth chance. (radar)

ROB ZOMBIE - is directing an episode of ‘CSI: Miami’, and this is the preview for it. Like every other episode of this dumb show, it looks like a complete piece of shit, but this one is Rob Zombier. (foundry)

AUSTRALIAN GIRLS - are fucking terrific. I don’t even know what Sophie Turner does, but she’s doing an amazing job at it. Whatever the championship trophy is called in her field, it should be renamed in her honor. (pacific coast)

tuesday morning headlines

By brendon February 16, 2010 @ 1:21 PM


AXL ROSE - made a very rare public appearance and played a secret show this weekend in New York. Unfortunately the only guy who filmed it had never heard of a camera before, and no one told him what they were or how they worked. (foundry)

LEONARDO DICAPRIO - is not engaged to supermodel Bar Refaeli, despite some reports saying he is. He should settle down and get married. Finally see what everyone is raving about. (pop eater)

BRAD PITT AND QUENTIN TARANTINO - really love weed, but not while they work, so they didn’t smoke any while filming ‘Inglorious Basterds’. They tried, but the result was the first 45 minutes of the movie showing Brad asking if anyone ever noticed that cats have grandparents, and then everyone else agreeing that this was totally fucked up. (daily news)

BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE - are in Venice, Italy today, holding hands and smiling while getting ice cream with Maddox, Pax, Zahara and Shiloh, who was dressed in a little bear cub (monkey?) hat. If these pictures were any more wholesome, they would be listed by the government as a source of calcium. (fame and inf)

thursday night headlines

By brendon February 11, 2010 @ 9:14 PM


JON GOSSELIN - has a tiny penis, according to his ex girlfriend, Halley Glassman. “He’s hung like a nine-year-old boy. It’s so tiny, tiny, tiny. (I) would laugh about it with my mom.” Jon Gosselin had no comment, the beginning of 6 months without mentioning her, so that when she ends up dead he won’t look like a suspect. (

ANGELINA JOLIE - paid $20,000 for a 200-year-old olive tree to give to Brad Pitt for Valentines Day, because it’s a sign of peace and longevity. That may sound like a lot, and you can pay 15 grand for an olive tree, but only if you want a complete piece of shit. (wonder wall)

JOHN MAYER - stopped his concert last night to give a tear-soaked apology for some of the things he said in his Playboy interview. Crying in public like this should only strengthen his fan base in the hood. (foundry)

LADY GAGA - may lose some of her goofy outfits because her favorite designer, Alexander McQueen, was found dead today of an apparent suicide. Actually he hung himself, so I don’t know why its’ being called an “apparent suicide”. He either killed himself or he really sucks at making rope swings. (pop eater)

FINALLY, PART 2 - After days of crappy lo-res SI Swimsuit Issue pictures, finally some decent scans have shown up online. Unfortunately, other than Brooklyn Decker, the models this year kind of suck, so this is a real mixed blessing. (


brad and angelina are suing

By brendon February 09, 2010 @ 11:39 AM


Tabloids have been claiming that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are breaking up any minute now since at least 2006. Here’s a post from May of 2007 about it. Yet they’re still together, and in fact they seemed pretty happy two days ago as their adopted New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl.

So maybe that’s why they’re suing the London tabloid the News Of The World, who claimed Pitt and Jolie met with attorneys in December to divide their assets and work out custody of their children. The BBC says…

The couple’s lawyer, Keith Schilling, called the “widely republished” allegations “false and intrusive”.
He added the paper had failed to meet “reasonable demands” for an apology.
He said the pair had also asked for a retraction of the allegations, which had subsequently been “widely republished by mainstream news outlets”.
A statement from Schillings Lawyers also noted that Sorrell Trope, identified by some publications as a divorce lawyer advising Pitt and Jolie, had never met them.
“I have had no contact from… Angelina Jolie and / or Brad Pitt,” said Trope in a letter quoted in the statement.
“I have never met… your clients or had any involvement with either of them. The foregoing is true with respect to all other members of this firm.”

Pitt must be a really nice guy. Aren’t there Russian generals selling bio-weapons for like a million dollars? What the hell is he waiting for? If I were rich I would definitely use it to terrify people and attack them into submission. But only my enemies. I’m tough but fair.

afternoon headlines

By brendon January 27, 2010 @ 7:19 PM


BRAD PITT - now that he may be single again, Jennifer Aniston wants him to know she’ll take him back. But she won’t beg. Unless he wants her too, and then she’ll crawl across the floor on her hands and knees, groveling and pleading as if her very life depended on it. (star)

JAY LENO - told Oprah that he hasn’t spoken to Conan since all the Tonight Show drama began. “I haven’t talked to him through all this … it didn’t seem appropriate … I don’t know. I think it — let things cool down and maybe we’ll talk, you know.” He explained that a face-to-face talk went against his natural sneaky, back-stabbing instincts. Then, while he and Oprah talked, he gave the signal for someone to break into her car. (

CHARLIE SHEEN - His wife Brooke Mueller, the one he tried to murder on Christmas day, is in rehab for an alleged drug addiction. Let’s just hope her weakness won’t sully his good name. (radar)

SHANELLE - Is there some reason I can’t get hot girls to do this kind of thing for Tyler? If so that reason can suck it because it’s standing between me and my happiness. (foundry music)

LINDSAY LOHAN - The issue of Loaded magazine that she posed for essentially naked is now out (scans here). As much as I’d love to make fun of her, she’s skinny with red hair and huge breasts. Half my hard drive is devoted to those very things. If I act like I wouldn’t have sex with her, it sends a dangerous message to my penis. (loaded)

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