This would normally sound like a story that a tabloid simply made up, but in this case it’s about Jennifer Aniston crying over Brad Pitt, so really all bets are off.
Jennifer Aniston drunk-dialed Brad Pitt, and got the shock of her life when Angelina Jolie answered.
Jen was home alone in her sprawling Beverly Hills mansion in late September when she dialed Brad after downing a few glasses of white wine.
When Jen heard Angie’s voice, she freaked out.”
Flustered, Jen launched into a blistering attack on Angelina, said the insider.
“Jen basically told Angie that she hated her, but Angelina fired back!”
The Enquirer includes a picture of Aniston on a cell phone. Just like the one used in the story perhaps. Coincidence? Well, I mean, yes probably, but still, that chick is a damn loser so yeah, she did this. She totally did this.
Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt announced they were separating back on January 6, 2005, and some version of this “Jennifer Aniston is dangerously obsessed with Brad Pitt” story has come up twice a month ever since. She can either get over it and live a long happy life or just kill herself, I really don’t care which, but this has got to stop. I cannot do this any more. I wrote like 5 different introductions for this stupid story, and this was the best one. Page Six says…
The unlucky-in-love actress was late coming out of her trailer while filming “The Bounty” with Gerard Butler a few weeks ago. The source tells Page Six that when an assistant went to fetch Aniston, she was in tears, and said, “I need a moment. This scene reminds me of Brad and me.”
Aniston pulled herself together and managed to put on a smile when she eventually emerged from her trailer. The insider added, “While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still very fragile.”
To be fair, the scene was about the bounty hunter (Butler) capturing Anistons character but then pushing her aside to catch someone younger and way way hotter, so you can see why that would hit so close to home.
The Thursday morning headlines are hosted by this sexy ass German guy who shuffles around in a circle for over 5 minutes to ‘Sunshine’ by alex M.O.R.P.H. At the 3 minute mark, just when you think things are starting to cool down, the music kicks back up and his hot moves go right along with it. I actually went and bought some panties just so I could throw them at the screen as I squealed with delight.
BRAD PITT – spent $82,000 on a custom home for the family (brace yourself) gerbils. To be fair, it’s not that the gerbil house is that fancy, they just had to add a bunch of locks and monitors so Zahara wouldn’t have a flashback and eat them. (the enquirer)
KATHERINE HEIGL – is adopting a 10-month-old “special needs” girl from Korea. It may seem nice of her to adopt a kid like that, but her diabolical ass probably just wanted a retarded one so when she forgets to feed it or leaves it in a hot car she can tell the cops, “it was fucked up like that when I got it.” (star)
NICOLE RICHIE – gave birth to a son yesterday, and just in case having her and Joel Madden for parents wasn’t embarrassing enough, they named him ‘Sparrow James Midnight Madden’. Or as he’ll be known in the 6th grade, “That Kid Lying Face Down In The Mud And Clutching His Stomach In Pain.” (us.com)
WEEKEND BOX OFFICE – “Inglourious Basterds” crushed this weekend, pulling in 65.1M worldwide. This is good news for director Quentin Tarantino and star Brad Pitt, two big names who don’t always deliver box office. A friend of mine almost didn’t go see it but I told her she should. And then I kidnapped her sister to let her know I meant business. (variety)
CURRENT SONG – the remix of “Superstar” from Lupe Fiasco, featuring Young Jeezy and TI. Not only does Jeezy put out awesome records, he was all but unstoppable if you took him in Def Jam Icon on the 360. (superstar = here)
LINDSAY LOHAN – was robbed again this weekend for the 2nd time in 3 months. The suspects reportedly took several watches and removed a wall safe. They would have taken more but Lindsay was beginning to suspect they weren’t really pizza delivery men. (the ap)
JENNIFER TILLY – turns 51 in 3 weeks, but still looks better than most when she goes to the pool. And she has that sexy voice. Long story short, I fucked her. (source = fame)
KIRSTIE ALLEY – has four years to live because of her binge eating and total lack of self control. She’s now 58 and over 250 pounds. The article is from the Enquirer, but put the quotes in a different order and you could rewrite it for Popular Science, bragging that even motionless tubs of shit can live to 62 in this modern age of wonders. (source = NE)
BRAD PITT – Will not be running for mayor of New Orleans, despite a grass-roots campaign asking him to. If he did, he says he’d be “running on the gay marriage, no religion, legalization and taxation of marijuana platform.” Whatever dude. Campaign with Angie in the Tomb Raider outfit and I’d vote for him as King of Earth. (source = star)
KAT VON D – Is in the German FHM this month showing off her hot little body. The tats are a bit much though. Too many faces. Too many unblinking eyes and motionless expressions starring at me while I do it to her. I would be like humping Terri Schiavo. (hq jump = here)
While walking the red carpet Monday night for the Hollywood premier of “Inglorious Basterds”, Angelina Jolie talked a little about how much she loves gettin it on, and how she and Brad Pitt seek out new and different places to stick it to her. The Sun UK says…
ANGELINA JOLIE and BRAD PITT have opened up about their sex life again – saying they get intimate in LOTS of different places.
Last week Brad revealed that a secret grotto behind the waterfall in their pool was “a great place for sex”.
But Angie revealed that it was just one of many.
“We’ve got a few special places, you know? You keep it going.”
Brad laughingly added: “”There is an old Hollywood property just a few minutes away. It has a grotto there. The rumour is Jimi Hendrix spent some time there.”
I have no idea what the hell they’re talking about, but whatever. Whenever and wherever she wants to have sex would be fine with me. A waterfall, a grotto or a cage filled with lions – the answer is “yes”. Crime scene? Hospital? Morgue? Yes. Yes. Yes. She could just gesture to a graveyard as we drove by and I would dig up the recently dead and use them to prop up her ass if that’s what she wanted. Who cares, just as long as I get to hump her.